In to the woods...

Every time I step into the trees my life changes. I breath differently, I see differently, I move differently. There are no leaves on the trees any more. There are no forged trails where I'm going. It's more than the trees. It's the more than the animals. When you enter somthing a empty as the wilderness, it will do two things to you. It will empty you of everything you ever thought was true, and then if you let it it will fill you with a truth you never thought existed. It's one of my favorite musicals. It's were I go to think. It's were I go to be alone. Tomorrow...it's where I go to live.

A.T.H.

this is how I feel...

I always run the risk of saying something I shouldn't when I open my mouth. The risk is double here, because I'm not always sure who reads this. There are two things about jumping off a cliff, you don't always know if you'll make it to the other side, and you're never certain you can fly untill you jump. And right now...this is how I feel:

I've always said this...

Apparently there's a worry out their that the coming generation of children will grow up to be a bunch of pansies. I've know this all along. I'm just wonder why it took everyone else so long to figured it out. The mountain man has spoken.
A.T.H.

what it takes...

It's interesting how little it takes.
All day things are fine.
Then you blink.
And your world
falls apart.

The past eleven days...

One week ago I was recovering from a weekend with the youth group. We had gone to Assateague Island for the weekend to camp on the beach. It was great except for two very unescapeable facts. I was driving the "girls" van, and the wind was blowing so hard that we couldn't even set up the tents. Other than that it was a great weekend. I love the ocean, the endless motion of the waves, the smell of the salt. Just to sit and take it all in is so relaxing. It's almost worth enduring 10 total hours in a van full of over talkitive 15 and 16 year old girls whose taste of music is confined to rap and country. It's a miracle that no one died.

The ensuing week has been varitable roller coaster. I've spent a lot of time wondering about my relationship, and all of the joy that comes from that. I talked about them or rather my lack there of, with several people. John-philipe of course wanted to know if after no hearing from me for years, which I completly understand. It's the people that talk to me on a daily basis, that I don't get. No nothing has changed since yesterday, and you probably wouldn't be the first one I'd talk to about it anyway. I know people as because they care, at least that's what I'm choosing to believe, but sometimes enough is enough. Just in case there are people who were contimplating asking me about it...Yes there are people I like, No I've not really talked to them about it, Yes I do want to be in a relationship, and No I won't tell you anymore. Honestly the whole thing is rather depressing.

On Wednesday I was asked to help deliver a clavinova. Not a problem...but it was. Only two of us went, problem one. What we were told we were picking up was not what it actually was, problem two. Instead of a regular rectangular clav we found that the order was actually for a digital grand piano. It's a clav, but more in the shape of a miniture baby grand piano and weighing about 300 pounds on the light side. Luckily we had a piano dolly...right. Needless to say, things did not end well. We ended up droping it on the way out of the door. We cracked the polished ebony finish on it, it wasn't bad but it wasn't deliverably at that point. I forgot to mention that we had to drive to one of our other stores an hour away to pick it up. The day was not going well, but then we started to drive back. On the way back, I got probably the best complement that I could ever receive. Ian for some reason, started talking to me about...well me. I wasn't sure were he was going with this until he meantioned a conversation we had the week before. Afterwards he talked to Bill, the warehouse manager, and asked him if I was a christian, to which Bill replied that yes I was. I take this as a great complement, because I've never said that I am a Christian. I'm not quiet about my faith, but those exact words have never left my mouth. I personally believe that I should never have to tell anyone that I'm a Christian. If they can't see who I'm associated with through the way I act, then I'm not doing my job right. The rest of the van ride was theological discussion, I was able to present my faith and answer a lot of questions. I also got a glimps into what druidism is, which was fasinating to me since I have a great concection to all things celtic. I can understand why early Christian missionaries chose to cross the druidic religion with the Catholism. There are many places where Christianity simply takes one more step than the druid beliefs. The rest of the day was a lot better after that conversation. Ian quit two days later. I don't know if I'll see him again, but somthing tells me I won't.

I've been sick for the past four days. Not laid out, but not feeling well. To be honest, I've not felt well for one reason or another since the sunday back from the beach, mentaly, phisically, or emotionally. The concert I went to on Sunday didn't help. My brother is a great musician and plays in several ensambles, and for the most part things were ok. They were amature groups so I wasn't expecting much, but even my good graces have limits. The ladies choir left everything to be desired. I wept for my art. The instrumental ensambles did well, until the very end when a would be arranger/composer destroyed my favorite Beethoven piano sonata. It is just not meant to be arranged for brass. But so ended my weekend, and began a new week.

My week. I don't know what to think about it. So I present the evidence to you. God has been good, present in trouble. Questions without answers. I feel like I'm standing of the razors edge and I don't know what to say, or even if I should say anything at all. I think for now, the questions are best left unasked.

A.T.H.

PS. These are my horses on the beach