Always Trudging Home

2010-02-14T21:02:00.003-05:00

The hardwood was cold under his hands, the grains course under the thin waxy finish. He couldn't remember how long he'd been sitting at this table. He remembered trying to mark time once as if he was waiting for a time when he would leave, but that moment was long past now, a distant memory. The feel of the table under his hands was comforting. The chair, now well worn through use, seemed to have sprouted from the floor. The age darkened wooden legs firmly embedded themselves making it hard to slide the chair back to stand up, though why he should ever want to do that he couldn't imagine. The chair was comfortably warm, and, though not padded, somehow soft. He sat in his chair, hands on his table, and thought that somehow life was complete. The room was not large, but comfortable. Four walls surrounded him. The roof above him didn't leak. The lamp in the corner shown with a dim light, but still enough to see everything in the room. He and his table. He and his chair. They were his friends and he enjoyed their company. But the door. The door was looking at him again. He didn't like the door, and for all that he could tell the door didn't like him. He sat staring back at the door. Sometime he could ignore it but right now he just couldn't. He starring back at the door he dared it to blink, dared it to do anything. He knew how this contest would end, the door being a door would lower it's eyes and leave him in peace to enjoy the comfort of his chair and table. He just had to wait. It always ended the same way. Oh, sometimes the door would hold it's gaze for a time, but soon it would give in and resume it's normal stance of ignoring him. He thought of the many battles he and the door had, they were fond memories, and he smiled knowingly at the door. The door simply stared back unwaveringly. It never blinked, in fact he couldn't remember the door ever closing it's eyes. It would simply look away. He suddenly felt...angry. He thought that was what it was called, angry. He couldn't remember the last time he felt angry. He didn't like it, which was simply another reason to dislike the door. Staring at him silently, making him feel angry. He suddenly had the thought that he might even hate the door, but dismissed it quickly, the door would soon leave him alone anyway. He smiled again, knowing the contest would end the way it had always ended. The door stared back. He smoothed his hands against waxy surface of the table, cool and comforting. The table was on his side. It never said that it was, but it never said that it wasn't. The chair of course was on his side, how could it not be? The three of them sat staring at door. He was proud of his little coalition of furniture. Feeling that this would solidify them as friends for good, having a common enemy. Door didn't seem impressed though, still staring. He wandered how long door would last this time, not that he was waiting for anything. He even thought about looking away first this time, but considered that impossible now that his two friends had joined the fray, and continued staring defiantly at door. Door stared back...and smiled. He blinked, door had never done that before. He suddenly didn't know what to think. It was all he could do to just to keep staring at door. It was a trick. It had to be. He just had to keep staring. Door would look away soon. Door always did. He kept staring, willing door to look away. Door smirked at him, winked, and opened.

un-alone in the dark...

2009-05-20T00:50:00.003-04:00

I sometimes envision myself in a dark room. standing somewhere off center. I don't know where I am, but that doesn't seem to bother me. I seem perfectly content to stand there, trying to notice anything that might be around me. people and faces rush by, talking to me, sometimes just barely noticing that I'm there. Some I recognize, other I don't. Voices call out from a distance and an barely hear them, yet somthing tells me they're important. Sometimes everything stops, the people, the faces, the voices disapear. The quiet of it fades until I can hear the blood pounding in my ears. then slowly the voices, then the faces, and eventually the people reappear. I see them all, though many i ignore. Sometimes, I try to move toward one of them, but every step seems to take me nowhere. Sometimes the steps seem to drive them away, as if the distance was what was needed between us and the lose of it enough to send them into hiding. I never seem confused, I seem to accept this reality, though still push the boundries of it. Through it all, I never quite feel alone. even when the faces, and voices disappear, I never have the sence that I'm alone. In fact, it's in those cases when they are gone that I have a greater sence that there is more than me in this room...
A.T.H.

The Lauridsen "Lux Aeterna"

2009-05-16T00:30:00.003-04:00

I've always loved the sound of sung Latin. It's flows, almost as if it was created for singing. There are only a few languages I know that make singing easier, French and Latin are my favorites. Latin is first of those. Jordan Davis introduced me to the Lux Aeterna. It never fails to ease my mind. I never consider it a waste of time simply to sit and listen to it start to finish. To be honest I don't know if I've ever not listened to it in it's entirety. It wasn't until recently that I found a copy of the vocal score with a translation of the text. The text is taken from portions of the the Requiem mass, Te Deum, O Nata Lux, and Veni, sancte spiritus. Each passage speaks of God the source of light. I love the text of this cycle. It speaks of how the light of the world came to save us, how it purvades our lives, shines through us, grants us peace and rest. The phrase Lux Aeterna occures only once through out the piece, and that is at the end:

Lux aeterna luceat eis, Domine:
cum sanctis tuis in aeternum:
quia pius es.

May light eternal shine upon them, O Lord:
in the company of thy Saints for ever and ever;
for thou art merciful.

Lux Aeterna, Eternal Light. It's an important concept for someone like me who often sees himself in very dark places, surounded by dark influence, steeped in dark thought. Honestly when my thoughts grow overly dark this is the first piece of music I turn to. It's not that I only turn to this, but I feel that if God has granted me a piece of music that can ease my mind, and remind me of part of who He is and who I am to Him that I should be grateful and indulge in it regularly. I see God in music, I hear God in music, and I feel God in music...and I bless him for it.

Lux Aeterna

I. Introitus

Requiem Aeternam dona eis, domine:
et lux perpetua luceat eis.
Te decet hymnus Deus in Zion
et tibi redetur votum
in Jerusalem:
exaudi orationem mean,
ad te omnis caro veniet.
Requiem Aeternam Dona eis, Domine:
et lux perpetua luceat eis

rest eternal grant to them, O Lord,
and let perpetual light shine upon them
A hymn befits thee, O God in Sion.
and to thee a vow shall be fulfilled
in Jerusalem:
Hear my prayer,
for unto thee all flesh shall come.
Rest eternal grant to them, O Lord,
and let perpetual light shine upon them.

II. In Te, domine, Speravi

Tu ad liberandum suscepturus hominem
non horruisti Virginis uterum.
Tu devicto mortis aculeo,
aperuisti credentibus regna coelorum.
Exprtum est in tenebris lumen rectis.
Miserere nostri, Domine
miserere nostri.
Fiat misericordia tua, domine, super nos
quemadmodum speravimus in te.
In te domine, speravi:
non confundar in aeternum.

To deliver us, you became human,
and did not disdain the virgin's womb.
having blunted the sting of death, You
Opened the Kingdom of heaven to all believers.
A light has risen in the darkness for the upright.
haver mercy upon us, O Lord,
Have mercy upon us.
Let thy mercy be upon us, O Lord,
as we have trusted in thee.
In thee, O Lord, I have trusted
let me never be confounded.

III. O Nata Lux

O nata lux de lumine,
jesu redemptor saeculi,
dignare clemens supplicum
Laudes preces que sumere.
Qui carne quondam contegi
dignatus es pro perditis.
Nos membra confer effici,
tui beati corporis.

O born light of light,
Jesus, redeemer of the owrld,
mercifully deem worthy and accept
the praises and prayers of your supplicants.
thou who once deigned to be clothed in flesh
for the sake of the lost ones.
grant us to be made members
of your holy body.

IV. Veni, Sancte Spiritus

veni, Sancte Spiritus,
Et emitte coelitus
Lucis tuae radium.
Veni, pater pauperum,
Veni, dator munerum,
Veni, lumen cordium.

Come, Holy spirit,
send forth from heaven
the ray of thy light
come, Father of the poor
Come, giver of gifts
come, light of hearts.

Consolator optime, Dulcis hospes animae,
Dulce refrigerim.
In labore ruquies,
In aestu temperies,
In fletu solatium.

Thou best of consolers,
Sweet guest of the soul
Sweet refreshment.
In labor, thou art rest,
In heat, the tempering,
In grief, the consolation.

O lux beatissima,
Reple cordis intima
Tuorum fidelium.
Sine tuo numine
Nihil est in homnie,
Nihil est innoxium.

O light most blessed,
fill the inmost heart
of all thy faithful
without your grace,
there is nothing in us,
Nothing that is not harmful.

lava quod est sordidum,
Riga quod est aridum.
Sana quod est sucium.
Flecte quod est rigidum,
Fove quod est frigidum
Rege quod est devium.

cleanse what is sordid,
moisten what is arid,
heal what is hurt
flex what is rigid
fire what is frigid
correct what goes astray

Da tuis fidelibus,
In te confidentibus,
Sacrum septenarium.
Da virtutis meritum,
Da salutis exitum,
Da perenne gaudium.

Grant to thy faithful,
those trusting in thee,
thy sacred seven-fold gifts
Grant the reward of virtue
Grant the deliverance of salvation
grant everlasting joy.

V. Agnus Dei - Lux Aeterna

Agnus Dei,
qui tollis peccata mundi,
dona eis requiem.

Lamb of god,
who takest away the sins of the world,
grant them rest

Agnus Dei,
qui tollis peccata mundi,
dona eis requiem.

Lamb of god,
who takest away the sins of the world,
grant them rest

Agnus Dei,
qui tollis peccata mundi,
dona es requiem sempiternam

Lamb of god,
who takest away the sins of the world,
grant them rest everlasting.

Lux aeterna luceat eis, domine:
cum sanctis tuis in aeternum:
quia pius es.

Light eternal shine upon them. O Lord
in the company of thy Saints forever
for thou art merciful.

Requiem aeternam dona eis, Domine,
et Lux perpetua luceat eis.

Rest eternal grant to them, O Lord,
and let perpetual light shine upon them.

Alleluia. Amen.

Recovering...

2009-05-03T03:01:00.001-04:00

There's a silence so deep that it' can be felt in the core of your being. Where you hold your breath at the risk of disturbing it. That moment between the conductor's baton click and the first note lasts an eternity. The anticipation of what's to come can stop your heart in that moment, then release you. Release you from all that encumbers you. In that moment, life is perfect. At least I think so...

I saw the movie the soloist yesterday...well, Friday...I guess it's already Sunday as I type this. It wasn't what I thought it would be. It was a movie about a relationship, and one that in itself would make you feel good at the end. What I didn't expect was that it's a movie about belief. About a man who didn't believe anything, a man without passion, who was change by a man who believed so hard in one thing, believing that, as the movie stated, if all else failed that it "would carry him home." That's all I really have to say about it now, which i guess is nothing. It's a major statement, it moved me, I was moved by it, but now...life goes on.

I'm really tired right now, but I just feel that I need to get some more out before I crash. So tired. I've not been sleeping well lately. I get to the point where I should be sleeping and I either stay up for some reason, usually not a good reason either, or at the moment I'm about to fall asleep a thought will pop into my mind and keep me up. To be honest it's normally people who keep me up. They don't do it on purpose, and I'm sure if they knew they would remove themselves from my thoughts so I could get a bit of restful sleep.

I'm going through a bit of an identity crisis right now. It's hard for me say that. I'm going through a bit of an identity crisis right now. I think that I've been trying to find myself in the wrong things. In people who really don't have any weight in my life. Only one of them in fact would I actually say that I cared about what she thought of me. My stomach is doing somersaults right now just by writing this, as if I was telling this to her face. Words are starting to fail me right now...Without knowing it I've placed the value of my existence in her opinion of me. I can't do that. It's fruitless to begin with, that one. And it's not just her, there are several people lately that I've placed a lot on what we do together, where we go, how much time we spend with each other. I've seemingly given my purpose to people who neither want it or deserve it for that matter. I'm not even sure when I started doing this. I mean, I've always wondered what my friends really think of me, who I am to them, that sort of thing, but I've at least always known that my reason for being doesn't rest on them. I'm still me after they're gone, just like I was me before they were there. I don't understand how this happened. The one I know, but the rest...it doesn't make sense.

I sometimes get the feeling that I want to sever all ties. Start over. I'm not saying it's a smart idea, and I'm sure there are some people out there who would say that I've done that already. That maybe that would be easier. Just cut everything off, leave or stay, and just start my relationship over again. That maybe the ones I have are too complicated, too hard, not really worth it. clean sweep...no. That wouldn't be good. it's a bad idea, and I'd never be able to pull it off anyway.

I don't know why I have the feeling that a boulder is about to drop on my head. That one last piece of information that comes and destroys the fantasy that you've created. I'm just tired I guess. I mean even if the one that I'm thinking of did happen, life would continue. Saving grace I guess. Life goes on. We continue existing, we continue moving. I mean in the end I don't believe that this is everything. I get hung up on it all the time, but this is not the end all be all. I had a conversation back in January I think, it been a while and I don't remember when it was. Before I moved in with Ben, but that doesn't mean anything to anybody but me. I was siting in one of my local coffee shops...yes I said one of, I have three that I frequent...no one should be surprised. I was still there with a cup of tea, reading Mear Christianity...which has no basis to the story unless the gentlemen who sat down at my table noticed what I was reading before he sat. He asked me if he could sit, and I said yes, the place being pack with high schoolers and college students, and me having a table to myself. We quickly struck up a conversation. He was an older gentlemen, retired lawyer actually. It was a long conversation about right and wrong, afterlife or no afterlife. world conspiracies, and the ridiculousness of life. The man was a bit of a nihilist. He never said that out right of course, no one would unless they were completely pretentious. He told he that he didn't believe that there was an absolute right or wrong. He was not comfortable with absolutes of any kind, To the point where he questioned me when I said that murder was wrong no matter what historical, cultural, or other perspective we chose to look at it through. He told me he didn't believe in an afterlife because he didn't want to see the point in living past this life. Not that the idea was a bad one, not that he's an atheist and doesn't believe in God, not that there's no scientific proof. He didn't want to believe that there was one...I cried a little bit afterwards. I asked him, what If? He would say that there is so much that can't be known and maybe this was one of those things, and I said what if he could know? I dont' want to know know, but eternity I would say. legacy he would say, exactly I would say. I just don't know the if he would say, I want to but I can't. He so wanted to believe that there was somthing better that what he knew. Eventaually words failed both of us, he finished his coffee, thanked me, and left. This man wanted to believe that there was somthing more, but didn't know if he could face it, and for that matter didn't want to face it.

I have to believe that there is something else there. I have to believe that this shit of an existence, this hell I'm living is not all there is. There as to be more than loneliness, than absurdity, than swine flu and cancer, than economic downturn and endless debt, than gay rights and right to life, than war on drugs, terrorism, hunger, and global warming. There has to be more than what I see around me. Because what's around me, it's not worth the effort of getting out of bed in the morning. This world is lost and wants to keep me lost with it, but there's more, I know there's more. And I'm constantly at odds with the world, because I know that there's more. I've been promised that there's more. And that more that is trying to guide me home, I just keep letting the world get in the way.
A.T.H.

Observations...

2009-04-24T05:56:00.001-04:00

my life has changed...I'm not the man I was when I left college. If fact I would have to say that I've changed more in the last year, then I did during my entire collegiate career. The fundamentals are still the same, I am still me. I'm still sarcastic to a fault, I still find humor in dark subjects, my faith is steadfast if not always as strong as I would like it to be, I still see the beauty in small things, the things that most people know about me are still the same. It's really the small things that have changed about me, my overall world view has changed, I question more, trust less. I question myself more and more, and seem to find that the conclusions that I come too are not always the ones I'm comfortable with. I find myself more an more trying to separate my feelings from what actually is. Sometimes it's easy and simple, sometimes it's hard to tell where one stops and the others begin. We spend so much time steeped in emotion, we often let them guide us solely, and sometimes that is the right action. Sometimes we need to jump in with both feet, led by the heart, not caring what the consequences maybe, knowing only that they are worth enduring. But sometimes we have to separate ourselves from what we feel, so that we can step back and take moment to understand the situation better, know the consequences, know which evil we are to chose.
I don't find myself in the situation currently, but it has been where my thoughts are lately. My thoughts have been dark lately, but not always, and not for long. I've been spending a great deal of time alone, which ultimately means I've spent a lot of time thinking. never a good idea, I know. I was talking to Liz last night, we were going to watch a movie together...which means we were going to watch the same movie while talking on the phone...but that didn't happen. I talked a lot last night. I know that a lot of it sounded depressed, melancholic, it was a dark day. I was alone, didn't have much to do, I've been confused lately about my career choice. I have the sinking feeling that I'm not cut out for this, but I enjoy it too much to not give it my best shot. I think the thing is, I just have so much that I want to do. I'm afraid of getting stuck in a situation where I can't get out simply because I need to pay the bills. I'm terrified of that. There's so much to do. I want to act, I want to be the music minister in a church, I want be an academic and pursue knowledge, I want to go into the mission field, I want to teach, I want to get married and start a family. I good many of these can be followed with the phrase "Someday...". One at a time, maybe two. Each in their time, in God's time. I just wish, and I say this with all reverence and respect, that God would hurry up. I've always wanted to know the ending first, I've learned to take joy in the journey, it's just that there are times during the journey that you wish that it was over. (I don't mean completely)
Last Saturday was gorgeous. Clear blue skies, upper 60's, not humid at all. So I went hiking...naturally. I drove to Doubling Gap, about an 1hr and half away so that I could hike Flat Rock. It's 5 miles round trip, 2.5 miles up and thus the same back. 2.5 miles of pure hell. I hate hiking it, I dread it. I know that it will take me at least 2hrs just to get up. That I'll stop every fifty yards, simply because my legs can't take it anymore. I'll contemplate turning around every time I stop. I'll swear out loud at myself for doing something as absurd as hiking to Flat Rock. And I mean swear, those of you unfortunate enough to see me truly angry know what that looks like. It's quite impressive if I say so myself, dirty, hot, tired, and unable to express myself in anything but "four letter words." This is one of the reasons I normally hike alone. The thing is I know all of this before I go. I know exactly what it's going to be like, and I know exactly what the temperature will do to further exacerbate the problem. I know all of this and yet I take the best day of the year so far and throw it into at least 2hrs of what was described to me on Saturday as a "hell walk." Why? Because I know what waits for me at the end of those 2hrs of hell. I'm not going to share a picture, I'm not going to explain to you what you see, any attempt to do so would cheapen the experience. If you're ever in the area on a nice day and want to see something breath taking, just ask and I'll try not to swear to much...
I say all this because I know that this is what life is like. I know that in the end everything will make sense, or with all hope it all won't matter. The end may not justify they means, but it will give purpose to the journey. It will all have meaning in the end. It all has meaning now, I just seem to be stuck on the fact that I don't know what that meaning happens to be. I know it has purpose, He gave it purpose. I may not always seem happy, but I always have joy. May He never let me be content, complacent, or contrived. May He always keep me true, loyal, persistent, and loving. Amen.
To the journey, and the destination...may I enjoy them both...someday.
A.T.H.

2009-01-27T21:04:00.002-05:00

I took this picture with my phone when I was in Connecticut. I don't know why like it so much. Maybe it's because it explains who I am so well. Someone who seems to be just coming out of the darkness, or slowly sinking into it. I can't tell which sometimes. I can't tell even know. I feel odd, it's weird, not that I feel odd that's almost normal...which raises the question how I know I feel odd...I won't get into it anymore than to say that I know myself and I know when this are different. boring...I just realized I'm writing off the top of my head with no where to go...no where to go...trapped. I don't feel...
A.T.H.

Things I remember...

2009-01-16T19:32:00.003-05:00

Jenny and Erica used to sneak up behind me each grabbing an arm and start singing the Truly Scrumptious song from Chitty Chitty Bang Bang. They did this because I hate the song, lucky for them it made me love them even more. It's a simple memory, but it's one that I only remembered because I stumbled upon this photo while going through boxes of junk I needed to throw away. I remember my first senior year, Jenny ended up getting mono at the beginning of the year and went home to get better. She ended up not coming back at all that year. It was a sad day when I found that out. Erica and I both took it hard, and I really started to miss those little surprise sing-a-longs. Jenny was like a sister to me, and I've not heard from her in a long, long time. Miss you both.
A.T.H.

What I want...

2009-01-16T02:46:00.000-05:00

does it matter? Does it really matter what I want? Some would say no, that fate has chosen what I'm meant to do in my life, who I'll meet, what friends I'll have, whether or not I'll marry. I mean is that all there is? Has life decided for me what roll I'm to play in the world? Or is it simply safer that way...
What if what I want has merit? What if by one single decision I could change the world? What if what I wanted, was how God decided what I'm to be doing with my life? What are the desires of my heart? Are they placed there by a loving God directing me toward the path I should be walking? But this is dangerous you see. When my desires, my wants, have purpose I am then culpable for what I do and what happens because of what I do.
What if what I want...changes? Does that make what I wanted before any less right and true? Does it mean that what my wants become are now something less than before? Or worse yet, what happens you can't decide what you want? What is the pain you feel when you're torn between what you want?
What if you run from what you want? What if what you want scares you because your afraid you can't have it, or that you'll change into something you don't understand? Does it corrupt it when you want something you can't have, just by the nature of wanting it? Or is it the nature of the unavailability of what you want that makes it wrong? Can you hide from what you want, or are you fated to long for it, until you have it, until you want something else? And if you want something else does that mean that you never really wanted the other thing in the first place? Can you allow others to effect what you want? Is their objection to you wanting something a valid reason for then trying to not want it?

I don't know, and I don't see an easy answer. I do know that I now know what I want, and while I'm not sure if I can have it, I will pursue it. I've been brought up to believe that a man is honest, loyal, slow to anger, and while not eager to please willing to do so. Sometimes we live by our obligations to others, but sometimes we must be obligated to ourselves. Sometimes it's simply trying something new, following through on a project you started, but sometimes...sometimes it's laying it all out to be seen. There comes a time when it's best to lay all of your cards on the table, and see where you stand.

That's where I am. I'm about to show my hand, and what will come of it? The risk of it all is what is on my mind right now, does the dividend out weigh the risk? Do I have any real provocation for acting so? Right now, my only provocation is peace of mind. I simply need to know, and move forward. What I risk losing, what I have now no longer seems sufficient, and what I have to gain...we it's all I can think about. So much so that it keeps me up at night. I'm tired and I'm ready to sleep. God knows I need peace of mind, and I have only one option left. I can't see things staying the same, and I don't want them too.
A.T.H.

Thankful thursday...

2008-10-23T22:26:00.002-04:00

I was just inspired to do this, (thankyou liz). It was an interesting day, and I spent most of it in a pretty annoyed mood. Honestly I was pretty angry at one point. Because of that I think that I need to do this, and just remind myself of the truth of my situation. I am thankful for...

The ability to make dang good chili
A country where I can be involved in the elector process, even if it takes a year and a half and makes me want to hurt every third person who opens there mouth about it.
The chance at a career that I never considered possible
Friends who know me, and still want to eat lunch with me, and will on occasion have a conversation with me.
People who believe in me when they have no good reason to do so.
Little old ladies who can walk faster than a two year old.
Children who believe the angels on stage are real.
The quickness that with which summer became Autumn.
The cold air against my face, and burning my lungs
My Father who understands the frustration of unemployment, understands the frustration of moving on, and who in brief moments becomes my daddy one more time to pray with me over the phone when I'm at my wits end.
My Mom who believes that everything I do is golden.
Liz Stewart who listens to me from a thousand miles away
Friends how gladly tell me that they told me so.
the knowledge that life goes on.
Being existential enough to believe that my reason and purpose comes from a God who created me, loves me, died for me, and wants only the best for me, even when I ignore Him, yell at Him, and blame Him.
The grace to be a performer in need of a little attention from time to time.
Ten months at a "job" that gave me my first real friends in three years, a chance to try a new career, and the apperance of passion that I didn't know was there.
The patience to wait for a new contract to come out, and knowing that it doesn't define me as a person, or a performer.

A.T.H.

because I like to eat...

2008-08-24T23:25:00.003-04:00

Ok, I really do have other things to write about, but I want to wait just one more day to write about those things. I'm waiting because by tomorrow I should know whether or not I have Christmas employment at the theatre or if it's back to the drawing boards...among other things. So he it is, because it sounded interesting and I was wondering myself.

The question is, which of these 100 foods have you eaten. If you want to participate feel free...here are the rules:

1) Copy this list into your own blog, including these instructions.
2) Bold all the items you’ve eaten.
3) Cross out any items that you would never consider eating.
4) Post a comment here once you’ve finished and link your post back to this one.
5) Pass it on!

1. Natto
2. Green Smoothie
3. Tofu Scramble
4. Haggis
5. Mangosteen
6. Creme brulee
7. Fondue
8. Marmite/Vegemite
9. Borscht
10. Baba ghanoush
11. Nachos
12. Authentic soba noodles
13. PB&J sandwich
14. Aloo gobi
15. Taco from a street cart
16. Boba Tea
17. Black truffle
18. Fruit wine made from something other than grapes
19. Gyoza
20. Vanilla ice cream
21. Heirloom tomatoes
22. Fresh wild berries
23. Ceviche
24. Rice and beans
25. Knish
26. Raw scotch bonnet pepper
27. Dulce de leche
28. Caviar
29. Baklava
30. Pate
31. Wasabi peas
32. Chowder in a sourdough bowl
33. Mango lassi
34. Sauerkraut
35. Root beer float
36. Mulled cider
37. Scones with buttery spread and jam
38. Vodka jelly
39. Gumbo
40. Fast food french fries
41. Raw Brownies
42. Fresh Garbanzo Beans
43. Dahl
44. Homemade Soymilk
45. Wine from a bottle worth £60/$120 or more
46. Stroopwafle
47. Samosas
48. Vegetable Sushi
49. Glazed doughnut
50. Seaweed
51. Prickly pear
52. Umeboshi
53. Tofurkey
54. Sheese
55. Cotton candy
56. Gnocchi
57. Piña colada
58. Birch beer
59. Scrapple
60. Carob chips
61. S’mores
62. Soy curls
63. Chickpea cutlets
64. Curry
65. Durian
66. Homemade Sausages
67. Churros, elephant ears, or funnel cake
68. Smoked tofu
69. Fried plantain
70. Mochi
71. Gazpacho
72. Warm chocolate chip cookies
73. Absinthe (But I want too...)
74. Corn on the cob
75. Whipped cream, straight from the can
76. Pomegranate
77. Fauxstess Cupcake
78. Mashed potatoes with gravy
79. Jerky
80. Croissants
81. French onion soup
82. Savory crepes
83. Tings
84. A meal at Candle 79
85. Moussaka
86. Sprouted grains or seeds
87. Macaroni and “cheese”
88. Flowers
89. Matzoh ball soup
90. White chocolate
91. Seitan
92. Kimchi
93. Butterscotch chips
94. Yellow watermelon
95. Chili with chocolate (Chocolate with chili's?)
96. Bagel and Tofutti
97. Potato milk
98. Polenta
99. Jamaican Blue Mountain coffee
100. Raw cookie dough

My life as an actor...

2008-07-14T00:04:00.002-04:00

I have an audition tomorrow...
It's kind of odd to hear myself say it. It's a really good opportunity to see if this is a direction that I should be pursuing. Up until now I've not been sure how to take my new life as an actor. I mean I love it, I've alway dreamed of performing for a living (most musicians do), but I never really considered the idea that this is something I could do at least for a season. And now I'm presented with possibilities that really astound me.
It's a new musical, Amazing Grace. It's centered on the life of John Newton. The music is powerful, as is the story. It could lead to...I don't really know. I new opportunity somewhere else with another theater, another show. It could prove that I really should be pursuing this career, or it could tell me that this is only a season and to enjoy it while it lasts. I don't know. I'm prepared for the audition, though. I feel good about my songs, my voice feels good (though a little tired right now), and I'm looking forward to it. I'll have friends at the audition, and we're all kind of excited about it. New Opportunities...wow. That's all I can really say...wow.
A.T.H.

Things unsaid...

2008-07-09T23:55:00.003-04:00

I've been reading old posts...I'm not sure what to think about them either. I like them, but they're mine I kind of have to like them. The one thing that really stuck out was the topics I chose to write about. Mostly they where centered around relationships, or rather the relationships that I would like to have. I don't know what to think about that. Of course relationship are important to me, but they're important to everyone, to one degree or another. I guess that they are just normally at the forefront of my mind, so when I start to write that's what comes out. Relationships, or my lack there of. As if I find my self worth based in them. I don't, or at least I don't think that I do. Maybe it's because I'm surrounded by them. Even to night, I spend time with a couple from work. I didn't intend to, but it turned out that we we're the only ones who went for wings tonight. I enjoyed the time, they're both friends and I feel comfortable around them. In fact I love to hang out with the both of them. We've do this twice, where it ends up being Ben, Kristan, and me. We sit and talk and enjoy each other's company, and I don't feel like a third wheel. I would even go so far as to say that I enjoy watching them interact as a couple. They are just a blessing to be around. They make me feel comfortable even though I'm the single guy at the table, they're the kind of couple that make me hope that one day I'll be in that type of relationship.

I was in a relationship a few months back. Romantically it lasted maybe two weeks. I ended it. I ended because it was going so fast for me. She was great, she was lovely, wonderful, funny, but it happened so fast. I never saw it coming, and I wasn't ready for it, and all of a sudden there it was. I got scared, just a little...maybe more than a little. So, I ended it. I didn't do it with the idea of backing up, spending some time getting to know her, or making sure I was doing the right thing. I did it because I was uncomfortable with the idea of having someone that close. There I said it. I'm not an open person, I've never been an open person, and I found myself telling her the things that I didn't want to tell anyone. So, I stopped. But I knew I was doing the right thing. She came over one Sunday after church, she sat in my chair and asked me straight out if there was a chance for us. Part of me actually wanted to say yes. Yes, there is a chance for us, but just not right now. I've been alone for so long that when I finally wasn't I wasn't comfortable with the idea. I couldn't handle it at all. I kind of wanted to be with her, but not really. I didn't think that was fair so I told her, with a heavy heart, no. I stopped thinking about it. I felt hounded even after that. She would send me text messages a lot. She would call and ask to come over. None of my other friends did that. In fact if I want to hear from one of my friends it seems that I need to call them, or text them first. I got annoyed, and acted like a jerk. Something I wish I hadn't done. I started to build the walls back up that seemed to have fallen down. A few weeks ago she started dating some other guy, a new guy in the cast. At first I was fine with it. I was happy for her. Then I snapped. What the hell had I just done? I wanted to be in a relationship, remember? I wanted to date someone, remember? All this longing after people who don't spend enough time to give you the time of day, all this wishing you could find someone who actually liked you for a change, and now it's gone? I actually tried to get her back, but that didn't happen. In fact I almost succeeded in the complete destruction of any relationship that had left. It's been a process to getting to today.

I've been trying to understand why I did what I did. It doesn't make sense to me. But today, walking in the animal hallway, I started to think about the situation again and immediately stopped and though it'll work out the way that it will work out...and I moved on. Now would I date her given the chance...yes, I would. Do I see that happening...no I don't.

I had a rather bad day today. I woke up 20 minuets after I should have been at work for tour this morning. I slept through one alarm, and two phone calls. I was not impressed at the time, but I kind of am now. I got there in time for tour to start, and actually tour went well. We had a good group, and they asked a lot of questions. Later at cast meeting I found out that the Casting Director wanted to see me for 5 minuets. I knew exactly what the reason was, and exactly what she was going to say. "We're going to keep you in the backup position." I knew this, but was still thoroughly disappointed when I heard the actually words. You see backup is the number three position for a roll, but for Lucifer, the roll I currently "backup," there are only two of us. Which makes me the understudy by proxy. I feel like I'm being jerked around. I feel taken advantage of. I feel like I want to call the principle, who's a friend of mine, and telling him to pick a day when we both just don't show up for a show. I wanted to just go home at this point, but I didn't. the show must go on. My show run was bad, I couldn't get my timing right, I couldn't get my mind in the scenes, I missed dance steps, flubbed notes. I just had a bad day. Then said girl above asks me how I'm doing, so I tell her. I'm having a bad day. She sent me a text on the way home saying if I need someone to talk to she'd be there. I read that in my car, and I guy reaction was "no you won't. Not the way I'd want you to be." I can't tell her that. For friendship sake I can't tell her that. So I talked to Ben and Kristan, and I felt better. The right people, at the right time, for the right purpose.

I don't think she was the right person at the right time, but I guess only time will truly tell. Just like Sarah wasn't that person in High School, and Erica wasn't that person at University. This is where this gets hard. My mind is completely empty right now, and I'm writing in the present. There are few people in my life that I would consider dating. Erica, I would date, but know that it would never happen. I'm fine with that. This current girl I would date, but it can't happen. I'm not sure I'm fine with that but I do still think that I was right in the first place...no matter how much I've gone back on that thought, and seconded guessed it. And Liz, I would date, but she's a thousand miles away, and for all that I can ponder out has no interest in dating me. I have a picture of the two of us siting above my computer. It's from the last day we were on Caton's Island, inside the mess hall. Do you remember? I love that picture. I always have. I always thought that we looked good together in that picture. Liz has always been in the back of my mind as someone that I liked, and that I thought that I could date if we ever lived close enough, but that chance has never happened. And the logistics of a long distance relationship of that magnitude have always been daunting to me. I've often thought about how it might work, but I never get very far in the planing, mostly because it would take the both of us to make it work, and that's something that we've never had. That's it. Three women, that I would date, and seemingly none that I can.

I've spent the last six months living outside of my box. I'm completely steeped in a life that I never thought that I would be involved in, living a dream basically. A dream that I did not prepare for, was not planing on, yet here I am an Actor by trade. I have an audition coming up on the 14th for a new show, and the possibility of staying at sight and sound another year. It's because of this that I've been taking that chance to say those things that I've never said, or maybe just hinted at. It's better to have said them I think, than to have wished you said them after it was too late. Things that need to be said. The things I wrote about here were some of them. I need to clear the air, even if it on a blog that no one reads anymore. I want a relationship, but I want it with who I want it. I'm not good at intimacy, or relationships but I do try. I try to open up. Maybe it is as simple as a friend of mine said, "maybe it wasn't God's timing." Maybe. Maybe it wasn't God's person. Maybe. Maybe I just screwed up royally and have to suffer for a while. Maybe. It's been an uncomfortable, but good six months.

A.T.H.

2008-06-14T22:57:00.002-04:00

Sometimes you fight for what you want, but what if you can't. What if you had exactly what you said you wanted in your hands and you threw it away because you were scared of what it meant? Have you ever realized you made a mistake at the exact moment that it became impossible to fix. What does a man do when all he wants is to be happy, and he is the only one who stands in the way of it? All I can do is nothing...and nothing is all I have a right too.

The man...

2008-03-11T00:53:00.000-04:00

It's been a rough week. Last Sunday my Grandfather died. He was 85 and had not been doing well. When he caught a cold late last week the doctor knew that the only thing he could do was work through it on his on. It was a good guess. My grandfather worked himself through everything. At 75 he built his newest house with his own hands, eventually he had to be forced to stop so that he wouldn't hurt himself. He was stubborn to a fault, sarcastic, and a practical joker. You never knew exactly where you stood with my grandfather and that was the way he liked it. He dropped out of school after the eighth grade because his father was forced to retire from the Logging mill at the age of 75...the stubbornness runs in the family. He enlisted in the Army during WWII. He trained as a combat engineer and was shipped to the south pacific. He island hopped, spent time in the Philippines and latie, and was on a ship waiting for landing orders to invade Japan when the bomb was dropped. He never talked about the war, but we all understood. We listened to the stories he would tell and nodded with out questioning when he got silent. I never really knew that part of my Grandfather, but I knew that look in his eye. That glint that let you know he was up to no good, which was most of the time. I loved that look. I'll miss that look.

I didn't get to spend a lot of time with him these last few years. I tried to get up whenever I could but I normally wasn't around. We were alike in lots of ways, most of them mentioned above. I remember when I graduated from High school, He came down for my graduation party. He took me aside and started telling me about when he left for the army. He told me about how some of the boys he was with would cry at night because they were away from home for the first time. He looked me in the eye and said...Don't do that. I just had to laugh. He knew I was nervous about college, just the way he had been nervous about leaving for the army, but that was his way of telling me that I'd be ok. He was a good man. A brave, intellegent, loving, man, and I'll miss him. I just wish he and been well enough to come see me in the show. The last time I saw him, we hugged, he told me he was proud of me, and that he would be down soon to see the show. He never made it, but he wasn't a show guy so I won't hold it against him.
A.T.H.

2008-02-27T22:16:00.003-05:00

It just occurred to me that I have once again failed to keep a promise...even if it is just to myself. The "job," heh...it's my job, is great. We opened Daniel and the Lions Den on the 7th of this month, and while I won't say that it's been going swimmingly, I can't say that it's going badly. I would have to imagine that most theaters have the small hiccups that we've had. Honestly I find them kind of nice. They're a break from what could become monotony and they do keep you on your toes. I'm really enjoying myself here in Lancaster. It's not the booming metropolis that I sometime think I would enjoy, but it's not completely dull either. The apartment I moved into is in a slightly nicer section of town a few blocks from Franklin and Marshall College. For me that means hearing college kids walking around most of the night. I like it though, the neighborhood isn't scary, at least to me it's not, and I can park right out front of my door most of the time.

Honestly it's been a very busy two months, between rehearsals, commuting, moving to Lancaster, making new friends, and just getting myself set up it's been a veritable whirl wind of activity. I have pictures of my apartment, but they're on my camera and right now I'm too lazy to even attempt to post them, maybe tomorrow. As far a pictures of work go, I'm not really allowed to take any pictures inside the theatre, so poop on that idea. I got a very part-time job as a tour guide for the theater, but I think I'm going to look for something else to supplement my income. I'm hoping that in the next few weeks I'll become more accustomed to my schedule and start to find the many cracks so I can get out and do a few of the things I want to do. I really do love my job, and often find myself sitting on the side stage where I start from and just wondering how in the world I ended up on stage. I'll be honest it was not a goal of mine to be on stage in anyway. Partly because it wasn't something I necessarily wanted to do and, to be very honest, I never thought that I was good enough. It's been an interesting two monthes for my ego. I don't have big roles, and there are times when I'm on stage that the scene could go just as well without me, but simply to be here...to have the opportunity to be on stage...it's beyond a dream. It's beyond what I thought God would do in my life.

You always assume that God has great plans for your life, but you tend to see them in the scope of what you believe is possible. Being on stage was a possiblity for me, I'm not good enough to do this, but here I am, sitting next to a guy who's actually been on broadway, who's traveled with Les Mis and sang as Valjan. I don't do this, but this job makes me wonder. I'm getting back into voice lessons, getting into the gym, and even starting some Ballet classes. If I'm going to do this, I'm going to do it right and better myself. It makes me wonder where I'll be in 5 years. Because I never thought that I would be here. I am in awe, and I want to know more.
A.T.H.

My New Job...

2008-01-10T23:02:00.000-05:00

I know I've not really written consistantly for quite some time now. I hope to rectify that this year, though I'm pretty sure that by now my minimal following has dwindled to nothing. In any case, let me introduce you to my new reason to blog. The picture is of my new office. Sight and Sound theater in Lancaster, PA. I'm in the process of move there, but for the time being I'm enduring an hour and a half one way commute, fortunatly it's the worst thing about my Job. I'm now among the true ranks of the starving artist's, being paid to sing, dance and act...that's right I get to play for a living. completly awesome, and completly God. I'm going to try and do a photo journal for this year, posting photos and maybe some video from time to time to document my first year here. It's going to be great, it's only been four days, two of which spend in nothing but meetings, and I love it. I never dreamed of actually being able to do somthing like this, it's completly mind blowing to me. If anyone is still reading this, immediate friends in anycase, I'm giving an open invite to come and see the show's this year. let me know a head of time and I'll get you good tickets for cheap. This place is amazing...I just have to keep saying it.
A.T.H.

What Church should be...

2007-11-24T08:17:00.000-05:00

I don't often have the answer that question. Normally my idea of "church" is vague and even I couldn't tell you what I really think it should be, but this morning it hit me. I've been up all night, I'm exhausted, I've got great news that I should be writing about, but what I just experienced was just too good. We had a youth all-nighter last night, it was fun but I don't want to do another one for a long time. This morning Mark(our youth pastor), Ben, and I, the three leaders for the evening, just started talking. The conversation was one that was long overdue for me. We talked about the church, what we liked, what we didn't like, but eventually the topic changed to theology, actually the question of Free will. It was good, questions firing back and forth, answers to try and support the statements that we were making. We referenced Scripture, Old and New Testaments, we didn't site anything outside of scripture actually. It really exemplified "working out your faith in fear and trembling." It reminded me of the conversations I would have at school with Allison, Morty, Jones, Erica, Jon, Jeff, and all the rest. I never felt like I needed to go to church, because we talked about our faith. We questioned each other, supported each other. I missed that...That's what church is supposed to be.
A.T.H.

...yeah...

2007-11-10T12:03:00.000-05:00

Have you ever felt like your blowing something completely out of proportion? I know that I have a habit of doing that, and while I don't like I know that it's a part of me and I've come to know the signs of when I'm doing it. It's the price I pay for trying to be a practical romantic. In any case the particular situation doesn't matter...or at least I'm not going to be specific about it. This time I just can't tell. I can't decide if this is just my emotions getting the best of me or if I'm truly upset over this, and then I don't know what I want to do about it even if this is something that is real and not just some over blow fantasy I've created in my mind. There's not much to be said about situations you create in your mind in the Bible at least I've not found any. Though I guess it falls under the category of leaving all things to Christ and not worrying...I guess. That doesn't make me feel much better about the whole thing. I don't mean to sound unfaithful about this, but...I can't help this feeling right now. I'm just praying that if I can't come to a good decision that at the very least it doesn't blow up in my face...I can't have this blow up in my face.
A.T.H.

Harmonious Dischord...

2007-10-25T02:39:00.000-04:00

There's nothing quite like trying to lead worship for a youth group. The blank faces, the people talking right in front of you, the adults sitting in the back waiting for everything else to get going, the pastors kid who stares back defiantly daring you to make him do anything. I normally don't care. Normally I just let it slip off my back. Normally I can just ignore it. Tonight though...tonight I'm sure that youth group would exist with out the music. It did before, and there wouldn't be anything different even know. I'm just disappointed is all. I'm not up there to give a concert, and if I was I'd treat it differently. Part of me thinks that maybe I should. Maybe I should treat it like a mini concert...but then I'm playing for them, and I frankly don't care what they think. None of them have very good taste...average high schooler musical taste. No I won't make it a mini concert. It's just frustrating, completely dis hearting, and it makes me wring their fat little necks. They want a mic in front of them, but they won't sing when there out there looking at you. They want to play, and confront you about not calling them and telling them about practices, but they don't show up for youth group...ever. They say they don't sing because they don't know the words, but when the words are put up in front of them they still just stare back at you like you just spit in their food.

I don't know what I can do. I don't know if I want to do anything. I don't know if I can. This is only temporary, but part of me would like to leave something behind. The other part of me wants to do something so shocking that it's scars the lot of them for life. There's this idiotic dichotomy I find in my self. The musician what's praise, for someone to tell him that what he does is good and worth listening too, and for people to enjoy him music. Because the music is apart of him, and to not like the music is to hate him. Then there's the servant...I want nothing more that to do my best, and to lead and play to the best of my ability because I'm doing this for God and the people in front of me. And who cares if they like the music or not because it's not fore them, the music is simply the catalyst for something higher. Bull. The music is the ultimate. It is the conduit for emotion, and in itself has life and breath and can survive beyond the simple rudimentary forms in which the so called pop stars find there fame. Taste via popularity, pure music prostituted into a form that is less than it was ever meant to be. Yes I am an elitist, yes I do think that I have a better ear than the average person out there...

This is my problem. The Musician and the Servant, the two constantly colliding never truly finding common ground. This is my dilemma. Constantly fighting off pride, and trying desperately to stay with in His will. Every time someone stares blankly, every time they refuse to sing, I can't stand it. I just...This is who I am.
A.T.H.

2007-10-06T01:40:00.000-04:00

Thinking hard. sometimes some thing's got to give. I'm just not sure what.
A.T.H.

Nervous...

2007-09-16T22:07:00.000-04:00

I'm nervous...really nervous. ask me later...

A.T.H.

The things I hear...

2007-07-20T01:06:00.001-04:00

The only thing better than chocolate is...bacon.

I didn't say this, but truer words have never been uttered. I love bacon.
A.T.H.

Waiting...and other things that I suck at...

2007-07-18T00:09:00.000-04:00

I'm in a musical. I doubt that there's a single person who might just read this that actually knows that. I'm not complaining, there's no reason you would know. I've not written about it up until now because...well I haven't, so deal with it. I've been at practice almost every single night for the past two weeks and thankfully it's coming together. Otherwise I'd be pissed right now. It really is going well, and it'll be a wonderful performance. Actually we only have about one more week before opening night. I'd invite you but...well the last time I checked no one who reads this lives anywhere near me. But that's what I've been doing with my time lately. Nothing major, still unemployed, still doing everything for nothing, still loving it for the most part, still wondering why in the world I want to be close to people I never get to see. I really do. It bothers me so much that I let someone so far a way bother me so much, and it bothers me even more that I try not to think about it. But you know, it's the way it's going to be and there's not really anything I can do about it right now. In all likelihood there will never be anything I can truly "do" about it. So...yeah...
It's nice to be told that your someone's favorite from time to time. One of the girls in the musical told me that as I was pulling out in my car at the end of practice. I'm pretty sure she was joking around with me, we'd been joking around earlier, but it's was still nice to hear the words. The musical is Titanic, by the way. Nothing to do with Leo and Kate. I remember when a touring company came and performed it at IWU, well I remember being annoyed that that the only decent song in the entire show was sung by the telegraph operator's to his telegraph machine. I was certainly not impressed, but now that I've heard the music and have spent time with the characters I love the show. It's great music, and I love my character, I'm Thomas Andrews designer and builder of Titanic. It'll be great wish you could come.

the things I hear...

2007-06-04T01:12:00.000-04:00

they're simple phrases, but none the less mountains. mole hills in the reality of the world, but mountains in my tired mind. Things I wish I had never heard, but will never forget. the things I've heard bring comfort. They bring pain and frustration in sweet tones. enticing and drawing me close I listen low. forgetting pasts, remembering futures, and never realizing the present. the normal oddities cloud my view. gone in between the phrase I see was I want to hear and remember only those things I'm never told. They're simple phrases, but none the less mountains. If could rise above these mole hills, I might be a better man. They're simple phrases.

A.T.H.

Pray for rain...

2007-06-02T03:23:00.000-04:00

I sat outside and waited for the rain to come tonight. It's an awesome thing to sit and watch a storm roll in. I remember a long time ago, back before I had bad thoughts about church camp, I stood on the ballfields at camp and watched a storm roll over the mountain and into the valley that the camp was situated in. There are two storms that I remember from my times at camp. This one came over the mountain like a spear. A pointed triangle of a storm pushing up and over the mountain and then spreading out through the valley. I got drenched walking back to the main building. I sat and watched the rain fall until they called us for dinner. I love watching the rain fall. It's the only thing that I've found that is as soothing to me as watching waves roll in from the ocean. Tonight I waited. I waited because I knew it would come. There was no dramatic sky, no long roll of thunder, just a breeze. I sat there and listened for it to come over the house, but it didn't come, at least not from over the house. It happened with out me realizing it, sounding like wind through the trees a the edge of the yard. It came up through the yard, and then it was there. The rain I was waiting for. I took my book inside, came back out and sat until it passed. It was only 15 minutes or so, but it's a huge thing just to sit and watch the rain.

I've been worried about how things are going to work out. I'm not sure how this whole thing is going to work out, and the best plan that I have isn't going to work itself out for another five years or more. I'm not sure I'm happy about this, but I am going to stick with it. But I'm worried, I worry a lot about a lot of things, but not very often about myself. When I worry I start to think to much. I over analyze and scrutinize every little detail of what's going on. Every little conversation, the length, the subject or lack of subject, and who it was with. I'll blow them out of proportion and come to conclusions and assumptions that never had a chance of existing. Then the rain came from somewhere unexpected. I almost missed it, and I heard that voice inside my head. Sometimes it's the calm before the storm that's important, but sometimes you need the rain. Even when you know what's coming you may never know where it's coming from. I love the rain.
A.T.H.

Not enough coffee...

2007-05-28T00:08:00.000-04:00

I was excited about playing this morning, I really was. It had been a while since I had gotten to play my electric, and was looking forward to playing. If only things would have gone well, somethings are just amazing certainties. Problems with the Churches sound system are one of mine. The group hadn't been able to practice the week before, the room just wasn't available, so we met at eight this morning. I'm glad that I stopped long enough to grab a cup of coffee, because I was about to need it. It took me too long to set up my cords and effect boxes, so I didn't have any time to simply try things out again and make sure everything was sounding correctly. I had to borrow a chord from the back because I didn't have my second one. I miss tuned one string on my guitar which through off the tuning, but not enough for me to know that it was out of tune right away. I was borrowing an amp that I would have rather not used...and I actually didn't. I finished set up without realizing any of this. I started playing at once realizing that my guitar was not playing what it should tone wise, and for that matter the sound coming out is sporadic and horrible. I'm not happy, and I'm confused. I assumed, because I needed to(desperately needed too), that there is something wrong with the amp. I switched aways from the amp and ran directly into the system, praying that this simple fix was all that was needed...it wasn't. I picked up the closest direct box and plugged in. Nothing, no sound, no nothing. My dad, whose thankfully the sound man for the service, quickly came up to give me a hand. I told the leader to just start and keep going, and that I would pick up when I could. Dad quickly flushed out the problem, the other end of the cord never got plugged into the system, I sighed heavily. Not happy but appeased. I strum...sporadic and fuzzy...getting annoyed. I checked all of my lines, no response through the system. Strum one more time...accidentally touching the pickups, response. Stunned and trying again, same response...beyond angry. Dad takes guitar before I break it (literally). I spent the next ten minuets hooking up someone else's guitar praying hard that it wouldn't work, it didn't. Now I'm angry that I've wasted so much time switching guitars. Dad tells me that the chord I picked up wasn't working. I stare blankly, wondering why I'm learning this now. I don't remember saying anything out loud, and I hope that didn't, I pray that I didn't. No one said anything, but they could have been just being polite. I reattach my guitar, change out the lines two more times before finding the last working free line on the stage. With everything finally set, I notice that the one string is still out, I fix it. I let off the bypass and strum hoping to hear my guitar...nothing. Dad had changed the line I was connected to, and didn't tell the guy at the soundboard. Five more minuets and one button later I finally hear my guitar. So with one song left to practice I was set to go. Not enough coffee in the world, no where near enough coffee for that.

My morning. I wish I could give it back. I thought about it, and all I really needed to do was change on line and I would have been fine, but it was the sequence of events that set me off. I normally have a tight reign on temper, but this morning...I'm just happy I had a reign on my tongue. I don't feel good about it, I'm embarrassed by it. I was beyond frustrated, beyond angry, and that my dad had to take my guitar from my hands is just embarrassing. It wasn't a proud moment to be sure. I just couldn't help being angry at what happened, and how simply it could have been solved. I was able to spend time in prayer before we started, and just asked God to settle my mind and focus on Him, and thankfully he did. But now, at the end of the day, I remember what happened. I don't have a good lesson from all of this. In certain respects I'm ashamed of how I reacted and in others I know I acted correctly. I think that this is one of those days where drawing even is a win.
A.T.H.

The Man in the Shadows...

2007-05-25T00:34:00.000-04:00

I remember a moment a long time ago when I was in maybe seventh grade. The memory is actually kind of fuzzy, but there are certain things leading up to it that make the feelings genuine. I was standing on the outside of the roller rink, arms across my chest, slight smile on my face. I was watching a friend of my dancing with his new girlfriend. You see I had been helping him get in good with this girl for the past two weeks. Telling him what to say, talking to her for him, all the kid things that middle schoolers do when they like someone else. I didn't mind doing this, I liked it actually. There was always something about helping my friends that I enjoyed greatly. Having the chance to do this just made me happy, and standing there alone in the dark I felt happy. I've always preferred to be off in the shadows, leading from the side. No matter how much time I spend out front I'll never feel as good as when I'm off to the side in the shadows.

Things haven't been going well lately. I won't be going to grad school in the fall like I had hoped. I was rejected from all of the schools that I applied to, and there isn't much chance of me getting in under anything else for the fall. On top of this I lost my job. I've taken this as a positive thing, I'm looking for a church...or anything really, though I'd prefer a church. I've sent my resume out to a few places, and while I've not really heard back from anyone (who's offering a job that I'd be interested in) I'm trying to be patient and make the best use of my time. There's a part of me that would really like to stay in my area for a while. It's been seven years since I've started moving and I've not stayed put for more that nine months at a time. I'd like to not move for a while. I've been looking at what I would need to do to get involved with Wycliffe Bible Translators as an Ethnomusicologist. They have some basic grad level classes that I could take, but by all accounts I think it would take at least five years to do the classes, if not just go for a full degree, which would be better, and work off enough of the debt to be eligible to go with them. I'm not a patient person, but it's a goal. But for right now I could use a few good things to happen to me, a church in the area would be nice...I think I'll pray for that. The other things seem like too much of a miracle to ask for right now.

When I was in high school I used used to be in the Show Choir. I loved it, and we were good. I'll probably spend a good part of tomorrow looking for a tape of our last performance my senior year. I'd love to see it again, but on the other hand I'll probably watch it and hate it. I'll take that chance though, but first I have to find it. I've been thinking about this because yesterday I went to Friends and Family night. Friends and Family night is the Show Choir's very last performance. The Director invites all of the alumni and family from the past groups to come and see the years last show and to come up and attempt to sing the last song, which has been the same for the last 10 years. It's been seven since I graduated and Seven since I sang that song...I didn't remember any of it. Besides that there were only two people there that I was in show choir with, both underclassmen. One was a guy, guy recognized me before I did him. The second was the one person I wished would be there. She was actually my last "crush" from high school, a great friend, and one of the few people I managed to keep in touch with after I left for college...at least for a little while. We lost touch sometime during my sophomore year, like I did with everyone. We talked once or twice after that, but eventually the silence that became my relationship from high school took this one as well. When I came back to the area I heard that she was working at the school, so I sent her and email and even tried to stop in and see her. I never heard back from her. I kind of chalked it up to not receiving my email, and me just missing her. Though my second attempt to stop by was less encouraging. I saw her for a second, walking towards me, then she turned quickly and walked the other way. I decided not to follow. Before I go on, my intentions here were simply to reconnect with an old friend and nothing more. Whatever my feelings had been, they no longer are. They quickly left after I left for school. Yesterday I didn't notice her until we went up to sing the last song. There was quick recognition of who I was, by several of the guys. One saying something about "Big Combs." it was the easiest way to differentiate between me and my brother my senior year. Actually he was "Little Combs" and I was just "Combs," but that's not important. I saw her, and she saw me, but I didn't have any time to say anything to her. We knew that each other were there. As soon as the program ended I got up to talk to her, but she was gone before I got the chance.

I'm not sure how I feel about that. I've had friendships that fizzle. There are people that I used to talk to at length that I don't really say more than two words to now, but it's expected. I didn't think there would be jumping for joy or any great conversation, but she didn't even say hello. it makes me wonder if I might have offended her, or made her angry. I really wonder. We did a lot of things together when I was in high school, and to not even acknowledge my existence. I'm not angry, just confused and a little hurt. It's not been a good month. I really feel like I'm living in the shadows, in more ways that one.

A.T.H.

Words in the Night...

2007-04-14T21:11:00.000-04:00

I've always been a night owl. That's when I do my best thinking. Things just seem to come to me after 8pm, and the later it is the better and easier. That's why I have post-its lying around everywhere. Some people use tape recorders, I can't stand the sound of my own voice so I have post-its. That's the premise for the following, written about 1.30am. It kind of woke me up.

"Love,
a sideways dance
whose partners have lost the way
Blinded by feelings,
but feeling so strongly
no other direction but forward
I can but obey.
And kneeling down
am greeted with silence
and empty faces
Hold poverty to the Soul
and laugh
and scorn
and reason not
Reason is consumed in passion
and passion
Delivers us blind
and leads me
to my own slaughter at my own hands
It would be better to be alone,
but primal striving never ceasing leads me
helpless
onward toward you
Never ending struggle
never ending pain
all acceptable
but silent confusion
leaves me here
cold, Alone
and without."
1.30am 4/13/07

A.T.H.

signifying nothing...

2007-04-13T23:06:00.000-04:00

when you really get down to it, you can either laugh or you can cry. I've never really liked to cry...I guess that's why everything ends up as a joke to me.
A.T.H.

Awe, isn't that cute...

2007-04-09T23:17:00.000-04:00

At lunch today I witnessed something that really interests me. I sat across the way from a middle aged guy with two kids, one not more than six months old, with him. When he went to leave, the waitress told him that she wouldn't charge him for his oldest child's meal. It was interesting to me to see all this take place. The single man with kids is the true enigma of the modern age. I would really question anyone who would look at a man like that and wonder about the situation that he was in, how he got to that point, and not feel sorry for him. Now I am assuming, and most likely wrongly, that the man that I saw was single, but for the sake of curiosity I let myself run with it. We say we're moving past the old stereotypes, but I think if we're truly honest with ourselves we would acknowledge that we aren't. For instance, if it had been a single women, with those two kids what would your true reaction be? Especially when the baby started crying? Would you truly be sympathetic or would your guy reaction be something more like, "if she had only..." As I sat there and watched it all pan out I really started wonder about my reactions. I wondered about how society still reacts to the old faux paux (please don't correct my French...unless you're French, then by all means please correct me) we support it on t.v., but in the end we deplore the outcome.

If you really think about it we react completely different to a single man with a child then we would to a single women with a child. Now of course I see it differently, and you'd expect for me to see it differently. I'm still single and still hold on to the lone wolf, alfa male mentality that I've grown accustom to, and even though I say I want kids it's normally expressed as "some day" and certainly not right now. The thing is that that is still a very common perception of a guy, and so to see one of us single and with kids you start to assume the worst. It's out of the norm, women are immediately attached to a man with kids. That's something I completely don't understand. I'm sure it's thoughts of family, and the idea that it's less painful to just marry a man with kids, and possibly a bit of sympathy for the man. Mean while every other single guy is keeping his distance, afraid that it might be some disease that we could catch. We see the single father and are afraid. We feel sorry for the guy. It's kind of like seeing an old dog, you feel sorry because he can't do the things he wants to do anymore.

Is it the same for single women? I've always assumed that it was. Actually I believe that it's worse for single women. Guys certainly are biased against them, historically anyway and even now. I don't really have a direction for this post. It was simply a series of thought I had at lunch and will subsequently be forgotten tomorrow. I just think it strange that in this thoroughly modern world that we profess to be living in that this basic definition between the sexes still stands so strongly. Just curious...
A.T.H.

no title...

2007-04-05T21:58:00.000-04:00

I'm going to do this here because I need to prepare for tomorrow.

"And the Spirit of the LORD is upon me,
Because He has anointed me
to preach gospel to the poor.
He has sent me to heal the brokenhearted,
To proclaim liberty to the captivities
and recovery of sight to the blind,
to proclaim the year of the Lord's favor."
Luke 4: 18-19

Christ's mission here on Earth. That's it.

Two points:
"To bind up the broken hearted"
John 19: 25-27
"Near the cross of Jesus stood his mother, his mother's sister, Mary the wife of Clopas, and Mary Magdalene. When Jesus saw his mother there, and the disciple whom he loved standing nearby, he said to his mother, "Dear woman, here is your son," and to the disciple, "Here is your mother." From that time on, this disciple took her into his home."
Christ came to Earth to heal the brokenness caused by sin, but we would be amiss to believe that his only thought was of wholeness for our souls. Brokenness and separation cause pain, and Christ knew that those who love him were watching him die on the cross. He knew that he was leaving, and that their were obligations still that needed taking care of. When Christ looked down, he saw the women that nursed him has a child, held him when he cried, raised him, and loved him even to the end. He loved Mary, his mother, and knew that she needed to be taken care of. Even in a time of greatest pain Christ thought were on the welfare of others. Even on the cross, He sought to heal the hurt he knew his death would cause.

"To release the oppressed."
Matt. 27: 50-53
"And when Jesus had cried out again in a loud voice, he gave up his spirit. At that moment the curtain of the temple was torn in two from top to bottom. The earth shook and the rocks split. The tombs broke open and the bodies of many holy people who had died were raised to life. They came out of the tombs, and after Jesus' resurrection they went into the holy city and appeared to many people."

Freedom from oppression. We've looked at some of the many things that oppress us, we've seen how Christ frees us from oppression, but here we see a final act of release. When sin was introduced into the world, God made a way for us to become close to him, to release the sin from our lives. God set in motion a system of sacrifice, a religion, but no matter how much blood we spilt we would never be able to become close to God. So God became close to us. He came down and presented himself as one last blood sacrifice. With the sacrifice complete there was no longer a need for the rules and legality of religion. We were free to accept Christ as our sacrifice and come and meet God face to face. In the temple the curtain separated the inner temple from the Holy of Holies. It was the Law that only one priest could enter the Holy of Holies, the place where God was said to dwell, but at the death of Christ God ripped the curtain in two from top to bottom so that there would be no doubt. Now there would nothing that kept man from God, but man.

A.T.H.

Put to shame...again

2007-03-26T11:13:00.001-04:00

He continues to amaze me. Not Steve Harvey, God. No introduction necissary, but we can't help but give one.

Pungent Gratitude

2007-03-26T09:47:00.000-04:00

I've not done this is a long time, and I'm past due. no excuses...no good ones anyway.

An absolutely gorgeous spring day...even when I'm stuck inside.
Meeting youth a Starbucks and connecting with them a little further.
A youth lesson sprung on me at the last minuet, that I didn't see until an hour before presenting it, that went absolutely swimmingly.
Meetings with a youth pastor who's become a friend.
Practice time.
A new computer that's more than I could have asked for, and a way to pay for it.
Confidence that small things like breaking a string, won't effect my worship leading.
Finally finding a song that all the youth know, like, and are willing to sing.
Seeing Audio Adrenaline in concert one last time.
Being completely blessed and being able to worship with all my heart.
Small conversations with small implications
Feeling that in the grand scheme of this, some of all of this really matters.
Friends who support me, and correct me even though their not with me.
The chance to step up and be the man God wants me to be, and succeeding
Experiencing God's nature, though His creation, even if it's just on t.v.
Kid's engaging in a lesson and making it fun.
Having a job, even if I didn't look forward to going to it this morning.
Skiing with my dad...skiing in general actually.
Sudden strength, quite compassion, and knowing that none of it was me.
The ability to love, even when it's not returned.
Sitting outside and watching nature do it's thing.
Being able to laugh...even when it's at myself.

The list could go on, and most of this is just from the last couple of days. Why pungent? Mostly because I like the word. There's so much in my life that I'm grateful for that in a way it permeates through all aspects of my life. I just don't always take the time to write it, and normally when I do it's somewhere else. This time I just needed to write it out here.

A.T.H.

On the way home...

2007-03-19T09:40:00.000-04:00

I guess it was about a month ago or more, but I went on a ski trip to Michigan. I went by myself, it was just one of those trips, you know. I needed a chance to get away, and just be by myself for awhile. 12 hours alone in a car will definitely grate you the opportunity to be by yourself. It was a great trip with a lot of great skiing and just a few friends. I don't have any pictures to share so you'll just have to take my word for it.

I take trips like that, not so much for the destination, but the travel itself. It's the in between times that I love the most from the summer I traveled with Brothers Keeper. It was the long travel times that we got to know each other, and we were able to just be ourselves with just the other people in the van. But then I also I love the long quite in the car because it allows me just to become steeped in thought. I don't always like the thoughts that I have, but it at the very least lets me recognize them and deal with them as I can. I had some thoughts on the way back from Michigan that I didn't really know what to do with, and it still haunts me just a little. I was thinking about relationships that I've had in the past and the ones I have now, and it occurred to me that I never really thought of the reasons why I want to be in a relationship. The thought didn't start out like that. I was thinking about friends mostly, thinking about them being married or not being married, thinking about the ones I've not heard from in while, some almost a year, some longer. There was something in all of that that made me question myself as to why I thought that I wanted to be in a relationship. Not so much what I'm looking for, but the actual reason why. Like any single person my age I have a list of things that I would like to find in a potential mate, and honestly a few of them are very shallow (who knew? I'm not perfect.). But my reason why...

My gut response was companionship, and for the most part that still is the basis of my response. The thing is, it then occurred to me that if my sole purpose was companionship that I might as well just get a dog. Dog's are great for companionship. They're loyal for the most part, they love you unconditionally as long as you feed them, they snuggle in next to you when your feeling bad, they do all the things you could possibly want, right? It was kind of a depressing thought, and like I said I've been thinking about it for a while now.

I'm not going to get a dog. I would like to have a dog, but my life is just too unstable. I like the instability, which weighs into the discussion heavily. I get annoyed when I can't just pick up and go. Even if it's just to see a movie. I got annoyed last weekend when my cousin showed up unexpectedly to spend the night. I was looking forward to a night to myself, but instead of getting some much needed quiet time he invited some other guys over, asking me if it was ok after the fact, to watch basketball. I was not a happy camper. If anything, I was going to go see a movie, but I really just want to be by myself and not engage with anyone. He stayed the next night too, it was not what I wanted to find after working all day, then having to drive to York and back. It's a selfish thing, and it makes me wonder if I could actually handle being married or even being in a relationship. With the right person I'm sure I would make the effort, but still the idea that person lying next to me in bed, while I am in love with them, is still going to be there in the morning. Know I'm sure that a constant like that would in time become something that is comforting. It's just that for someone like me, who has been so independent for so long, and see his independence as an immense benefit, it get just a little hard to let go.

This of course completely clashes with the idea that I, at least eventually, want to be married. clashes like green and hot pink, man. Even I can't seem to get past it some days. For a while now I've really just shut down relationship wise. I've not wanted to be in one besides friendships and I've like what's come of it. With few exceptions, really just one, since my junior year of college I've sought nothing but friendship with anyone. Even that one exception started as nothing more than friendship, and it will continue being a friendship. Friendships I love, and I like having a lot of them even if I don't hear from people very often. There's an understanding between friends, at least there should be, that each will live there lives and enjoy each others company, grow from each other, nourish each other, and while it hurts to leave these relationships, it understood that it may happen, and there are no hard feelings only sad goodbyes. But they're nothing like the relationship between a husband and wife. I love my friends, but not enough to want to live with the majority of them for any really length of time, probably a week at the most. I mean, I love you guys, but...please leave. So there has to be more than wanting companionship.

It's been a series of completely unrelated conversations that have brought some clarity to my thoughts. There have been a lot of realizations of things already known, which normally make me feel stupid for not having recognized them in the first place, but in this instance its been more of a comfort. Like any relationship it's more about what you put in than what you get out of it and a deeper one, like a marriage, requires a deep commitment to give of yourself. I think that's why a lot of people get divorced now. There's very little in the world that urges us to give of ourselves and expect nothing in return. In fact the world tells us that everything we do should be done to further me, to better me, to benefit me. The thing is relationships don't work like that, not a one. I can say all this knowing that I'm no closer to that kind of relationship than I was that day in the car. I may never be some one's husband, and I may never be able to pour my life into someone like that. I've always known that it was a possibility, and while I don't like it I do accept it as a possibility. I'm prone to protect people, even if it's protecting them from me and the things I know I'll be asked to do in my life. I've never thought it was fair. So there it is...
A.T.H.

Just one of those things...

2007-03-12T09:38:00.000-04:00

It's been a busy weekend. I really just want a day off, but that won't happen until Saturday. So I just have to live with it. There was a lot of good in the weekend. It's just that I spend so much of it exhusted and crankey, I'm still just a little kid is so many ways. This all started Wednesday when I drove up to Milton, PA, which is about 2 1/2 hours away, to hear the chorale sing. I needed that...I really needed that. It was refreshing in a way, and in another way it gave me just a little bit of closure that I needed but never really realized. It's one thing to sit in on a practice, there where many times when I was in practice that I felt like I was just sitting in, but it's completly different to sit through a concert. I've never sat back and heard the choral before...and they where good. I know that people say that it's never the same if your not singing with the group, but they tend to say it in away that makes them sound like they were the reason the chorale sounded the way it did and that without them the group is somehow less. Proff perpetuates those feelings and I completly understand why, it's hard to invest as much as he does into that many people and not feel some great lose after four or five year when they move on to other things. The thing is, no it's not the same, and it never will be, and that is a good thing. Certain people I remember saying the perticular statement about, said it with a distain that I don't think that even they noticed. They hadn't moved on, but in there minds were forced out. But Wednesday night, getting to see Nate and Maria, Proff, Gale, Dan, Tony, and Jenn helped me let go. My personal problem was that my last year I was the only 5th year, and in many ways I was everyone's older brother, or grandpa to some (that stopped quickly). There was respect for me that was given automatically, proff took my advice, freshman to senior asked me questions, even among the officers I was the one that went to proff with questions. It was odd to me that I was in that kind of position, but it was even how I saw myself to a certain degree. Even a year later when I was back on campus for a couple of days, people asked me what I thought and asked what I thought they could do to make it better. I had told them that I washed my hands of the organization, but then continued to dole out advice like usual. But Wednesday it was gone. Talking to Gale afterwards he asked me directly, as only gale can,
"did it bring back memories?"
"Yeah, yeah it did."
"Any tears?"
"No, only good memories."
"Good."
It's nice to have the answer that they're looking for from time to time.

Thrusday was technically my day off, and for all intesive purposes it was. I had drive up to Reading, again about two hours way. Now I say I had to because a friend of mine was in Reading. This isn't a begruding had to, this is a "if I don't I'll kick myself for not doing it." I'd not seen Jordan in probably four years, and it was a great time to just catch up and see what each other had been doing. The time spent was great, except for me faigning guilt about not flying out to San Diago to visit him. It's not that I don't want to, but I just havn't had the time or the money. It was a good time, a really good time.

There's a song that a local Christian radio station plays, What could be better by 33 miles. It's actually a rather normal christian song. It talks about heaven and what could be better than living in heaven, It's just a normal song...and that's what bothers me about it. I heard the song again on Saturday while I was driving through York and it suddenly hit me exactly what this song was talking about. More than talking about heaven it talked about already being in heaven. Here's the chorus:
I’m living in the days ahead
I’m already dancing on the streets of gold
Can’t stop celebrating in my soul
I’m living in the days ahead
Nothing on earth could ever compare
Can’t wait for the day when I get there
When I see Jesus face to face
Tell me what could be better
Tell me what could be better

Now I know I'm reading more into the lyrics that I should, and it's just a normal song that was writing by a new well meaning christian based band, but I don't think that this is right. I hear the phrase, Be in the world but not of the world (an exact phrase that I'm pretty sure doesn't exist in Scripture), and I start to think that songs like 'I'll fly away' and the one above arn't getting ahead of themselves just a little bit. Like a mentioned before, I don't believe that the exact phrase above can be found in scripture (or at least the parts that I've been reading latly) there is certainly more than enough scripture to support the phrase. In John 17 we read Christ's prayer for us his followers. Christ says over and over that he doesn't want God to take us out of the world but to protect us from it. He prays for our unity. He prays in certain words that we would be in the world, but because we are from him, not of the world. Now you could accuse me of being to much of the world and on certain occations you'd be very correct. I'm not going to defend those actions, I can't and any attemp to do so would be futile under the light of scripture. My only defence is that Scripture is vague on certain issues, and I do toe the line on a lot issues. What can I say, I'm slow. I'm just a little confussed by all of this talk about already being in heaven. I think Paul says it better than I can:

"12Not that I have already obtained all this, or have already been made perfect, but I press on to take hold of that for which Christ Jesus took hold of me. 13Brothers, I do not consider myself yet to have taken hold of it. But one thing I do: Forgetting what is behind and straining toward what is ahead, 14I press on toward the goal to win the prize for which God has called me heavenward in Christ Jesus.

15All of us who are mature should take such a view of things. And if on some point you think differently, that too God will make clear to you. 16Only let us live up to what we have already attained."

Press towards the goal, be focused on the goal, but continue running the race. I'm just not convinced of the benefits of living with my head in the clouds while people are dying for attention here on the ground.
A.T.H.

filling space...

2007-03-04T00:16:00.000-05:00

I'm posting most because I'm tired of looking at my last post. There are most certainly times when I know that I've done something stupid, and I'm desperately trying to figure away out of it. This isn't one of those times, but unfortunately it feels like it. I've written a lot in this past week, almost none of which will ever find it chance for public scrutiny. Most of it is honestly what Shakespeare once termed "A tale told by an idiot, full of sound and furry, signifying nothing." Now this signifying nothing part is yet to be seen, but that the sound and furry is pretty dead on. In any case you don't want to hear it and I don't want you to hear it.

I've been working on my follow-ups to the Philosophy of music post, again more for my benefit than anyone else's, but I'm doing it. There has just been so much on my mind lately and this has been coming up more and more, and I just thought it was about time to hash out my thoughts, support them with some facts, and maybe open the floor for more discussion.

The youth Pastor...sorry didn't want to hear that song...and I have been talking out some new plans for the direction of the Sunday night youth service. It's been rather lax up to this point, and really isn't going in a direction that He feels that it should be going. We're still having the same old problem that our church, and many other churches for that matter, have always had. Sunday night is for the older group, and is subsequently the smaller group. There is nothing for kids after that and going off to college is the usual catalyst for seeing them disappear into oblivion. He would first off like to see the service become more of a service, and at least have the appearance of formality. We've been discussing emerging worship and how we could implement a good portion of those things on Sunday night. It's going to be a very interesting lenten season for me, because I'm now very much involved with transforming an extremely casual, very clichish meeting into something that resembles a worship service that could potentially attract some of the "lost generation" that we see quickly filter through the doors every Sunday morning. I'm looking forward to it, but I'm trying and praying to keep my head in all of this.

Last Friday I did one of the things that I pray that I would not do while leading worship. I'm not proud of it, and I only mention it here to simply clear the air. No one there will read this, and I don't believe that anyone noticed more that what appeared to be a mental block on my part. I pray consistently that if my heart is not in the right place when I'm in front of a congregation of any size that God would take me out of the situation and place someone else in until my heart reflects the words coming from my mouth. I don't tell that to many people, actually I've only told one other person. Friday night that happened. I won't get into it deeply, because it's hard to explain and rather easy to write off. God took the rhythm and He took the words. A song that I've done several times now, and never once messed it up, even in practice. You could say it's a fluke, but you'd be wrong. I still feel bad about it. It hurts a little to think about it now a week later. It's been a week of struggles.

Finally, if you're reading this...I really want to talk to you. I have no expectations, no preconceived ideas. I would like to hear your side of this, and maybe there's nothing to hear. Still...I won't say anymore. We should talk.
A.T.H.

Empty Air...

2007-02-26T22:55:00.000-05:00

The problem with clearing the air is that afterwards, it's empty.
Floating sucks, especially when your the one that jumped.
Sometimes even when you think things through you still don't have answers.
Scars may tell us that we've lived, but they still hurt.
Just never wanted to be that guy.
Can't freakin' breath...no regrets
A.T.H.

The Philosophy of Music...Beginnings

2007-02-20T09:33:00.000-05:00

I think it was three years ago, some time around my Junior year at the wu, that I first started asking a question that has become one of the central defining factors in my music, and my worship leading. I had been taking Dr. Bences' class on later church history, and became very troubled with how music was used during the revival era, late 19th and early 20th century. It was around the same time that I was taking Music History with Dr. Kindley and relearning the introduction of pathos and ethos into music. The question became very troubling to me and for a time made me consider a different direction for music. The question came from first acknowloging two basic absolute facts:

1) Music, regardless of whether or not it was purposefully created to do so, evockes an emotional responce from the listener.
2) Humans are emotional beings and, regardless of ablility to set aside those emotions for any period of time, are primarily guided by those emotions.

The enivitable question manifested it's self very quickly:
Q: Is modern musical worship, or musical worship in a historic sence, pre-revival era, in the simplest sense manipulation, and as such is it morally responsible for the christian community to to eliminate music from the service?

This is a topic that I can't seem to get away from, and honestly I'm glad of it. This single question has kept me honest in my worship leading, helped seek out good songs with substance, and kept me warry of my own short comings as a musician. On the adverse side it has also pertetuated a certain amount of distrust and cynisim toward worshipleaders who I've not personally worked with, or at least gotten to know. Honestly it made the the last three years of chaple at the WU almost unbearable. I won't name names, and it would be remiss of me to think that similar thoughts weren't directed toward myself as well, but I know I was not alone in my feeling when certain personalities where seen mounting the stage, guitar in hand. It was the question along with these simple feelings of distrust, and in certain cases having it revealed that the distrust was desearved, that lead me to understand that worship leading is a relationship between the leader and the congregation that must be cultivated over time. It cannot, like any good relationship romantice or otherwise, be rushed into fruition. Any worship leader who has faces their congregation for the first time can tell you that there are many more blank looks staring back at you than open mouths and closed eyes. It's disconcerting at first, and if it doesn't directly kill your dream of a large congragation worhiping along with you, following every subtle move, completly in tune with what your going, and not caring what that the powerpoint guy just messed up another slide...it definatly beats it within an inch of it's life.

This relationship is a sacred thing to me. It dictates many of the things I do, and in many respects determines the life I have a head of me. We all have reputations that we strive to live up to, even if it's simply not living up the reputation of not having a reputation. I've tried to look good in the eyes of those I lead, all the while trying to stay true to who I know I am. While I was living in Connecticute a possition ended up falling into my lap. Tim, the music director and my boss, was regularly asked to lead a song at the begining of the commity meetings. Everyone meet together for a short devotional before splitting up into the individual groups. I hate meetings, hate meetings, but unfortunatly so does Tim. Being the boss and having abundantly more excusses to get out of them, it evenutally became part of my job discription to lead the song at the begining of the meetings. For the most part I presented myself respectully, but never changed my clothes from what I had been wearing all day. As a result this lead to one day leading the song in jeans and a tee shirt. Everything was clean and my appearance was other wise more than appropriate, but the Senior Pastor felt the need to calmly correct my appearance after the meeting was over. I took the "advice" as he called it with an obvious grain of salt. This was the first and only time I wore a tee shirt to a function like that, and honestly had the people that were there been offened like he assumed they would be, they would have come directly to Tim or myself, not to the senior pastor. One of the things he said to me has really stuck though. He said that he understood that I was a musician, and as such thought of myself as an artist, but he would appreitate it if I dressed a little nicer so that I didn't alienate the folks who just got off the train from New York to be at the meetings. My immediate, but unspoken, responces was: if you understood the mind of an musician/artist we wouldn't be having this conversation. I never said anything of the sort, but Tim and I did discusse it later on, after the Pastor went to Tim as well. I was basically told to ignore the comments.

My immediate internal responce probably common given who I am socially, and then my subsiquent external responce was right on par with who I am personally. I never showed up like that again, at least not to those meetings. Honestly the intial comment never bothered me, but after thinking about it, the second part of what he said, his reason behind why he said what he said really started to bother me. You see I liked Sam, the pastor. I liked what he preached on and how he presented it. He was a good speaker and delivered the messages well, but after thinking about what he said, I started wondering why he avoided some topics. We all avoid certain topics, and we all have our reason for doing so. I avoid talking about things that I consider personal because I don't want you to know about them. I'm not going to come out and say that I know why he avoided certain topics that others would readly go after, and I'm most certainly not condeming him in any way for it. It was his reasons why he wanted me to look "nice." We don't want to alienate the people at the meeting. Some of whom are fresh off the train from the financial district of NYC. They come in there nice, expecive suits, and there I am in jeans and a tee shirt. My only thought on that is this: who am I singing to and for?

There's been a lot of personal experience that has lead me to where I am, and there are many more that await me. I titled this The Phliosophy of Music, and I'm getting to it, but I had to get through some personal things before I could break it down. This is by no means the end of the personal experiances, they'll creap up in the writing from time to time as they always do, but I intend to focus the true philosophy of the music and not just my personal opinion. What is to follow is a treatise. An essay on worship and the power of music. Yes Liz...this is going to be very long.
A.T.H.

More Proof that even I don't know what I'm doing...

2007-02-08T09:47:00.000-05:00

You scored as Neo orthodox. You are neo-orthodox. You reject the human-centredness and scepticism of liberal theology, but neither do you go to the other extreme and make the Bible the central issue for faith. You believe that Christ is God's most important revelation to humanity, and the Trinity is hugely important in your theology. The Bible is also important because it points us to the revelation of Christ. You are influenced by Karl Barth and P T Forsyth.

Evangelical Holiness/Wesleyan

75%

Neo orthodox

75%

Emergent/Postmodern

75%

Reformed Evangelical

61%

Fundamentalist

50%

Modern Liberal

50%

Classical Liberal

50%

Roman Catholic

32%

Charismatic/Pentecostal

32%

What's your theological worldview?
created with QuizFarm.com

There was a tie breaker question to get to this result. The top three make me laugh because even I don't think it's completely possible. though the bottom is pretty close to my personal feelings. If you thought that I was messed up, know you know for sure.

A.T.H.

btw, I'm stalling. I have things to write about, but I'm not sure how to put them to words right now.

Disappearance...

2007-01-24T22:42:00.000-05:00

I've disappeared into the brilliant white.
Into anonymity
Into silence
into...

A.T.H.

beautiful in white...

2007-01-22T14:16:00.000-05:00

There are few things that make me happier than seeing little specks of white fall from the sky. I've waited for this all autumn, and been jealous of people who have an over abundance of it, but now I'm satisfied. It's a calm that has only been produced in my life by one other person, and it's delicious...I just wish I had a picture.
It's snowing outside.
A.T.H.

The Days God answers prayer...

2007-01-03T20:38:00.000-05:00

Aaron wasn't having the best of times. Oh times were good, but he just didn't feel right. There was just so much on his mind and not that many people to talk too. With Grad school weighing hard, and his thoughts on friends he'd not talk to in a while, and several other things that just didn't seem to be working out, he didn't think he had much to smile about. Even Christmas seemed to get him down, which just mad him angrier than he was before. In fact nothing seemed to cheer him up, nothing. So he had one of his legendary chats with God. Aaron got angry, and questioned away. But then just like always...God said nothing. You see God know's that Aaron just needs time to let it out, so He lets him vent. So after a couple of days Aaron finally got to the point and asked God for something good to happen, nothing big, just something good.

A couple of days went by and Aaron wasn't feeling any better. But then Aaron went to work and found out that the company was making some changes. Aaron was suddenly worried, for obvious reasons. His boss quickly reassured that the only change that he needed to make was back over to the retail store so he could start learning his new position. Aaron smiled. That evening Aaron took a run and felt good that he was keeping up with it, so he smiled again. Then he had a long conversation with a friend on line, and he smiled even more. But then today...Oh today...

Aaron was just walking by the snack machine when suddenly he noticed a yellow wrapper he'd not seen in two years. Could it be, could it truly be his long lost love. He didn't want to believe, he had prayed, but couldn't have imagined something this good. There gleaming like a jewel, dead center in the machine was something very precious. He couldn't believe his eyes.

Coffee Crisp.

It was unbelievable. They didn’t exist outside of Canada, he was sure of it. He had never seen one in the U.S. that he hadn’t brought back himself. Aaron beamed, and hungrily reached into his pocket. But what he pulled out did not make him happy.

Things couldn’t be that bad. Coffee Crisp insight, and Aaron couldn’t even buy one. This was going to be a bad day, but Aaron stopped to think. Maybe this didn’t have to be a bad day, but how?

Then Aaron had and idea.He had to go to the post office at lunch, so he could stop at the bank on the way back. The plan couldn’t be simpler. So he walked away and waited until he could go to lunch. Everything went well. His training went smoothly and he had such a good day. As he left for the day he passed the snack machine one last time, and reached into his pocket.

Not only did he have enough change to buy one Coffee Crisp.

He had enough to buy two.

I’m a simple man, with simple pleasures. Earth, sky, water, friends and good food.
A.T.H.

The End...

2007-01-02T00:23:00.000-05:00

Just some thoughts from the end of the year…

There have been a lot of things on my mind lately. I’m about to send in the last of my Grad applications, which in a way is a huge relief but at the same time the beginning to a whole new set of worries. Worry may be too harsh a word, but it’s the best I can use to describe where my mind will be. I always get a nervous feeling when I’ve done the best that I can do and am about to let go and let God finish the job the way he always intended. I know that some of you out there are thinking that I should be giving it all to God from the start, but the school frown on applications that aren’t filled out by the applicant, kind of a catch twenty-two. It’s not that I don’t trust God or that I believe that old adage of “God helps those who help themselves,” but I do think that God expects me to hold up my end of the deal. I’ve never been the kind of person who is comfortable with waiting for someone else to do their part; it’s actually why I like working alone. I don’t like being dependent, which in itself causes a huge problem. I won’t get into that, trust me you don’t want to hear it, and honestly I don’t have much more to say about grad school. I’ve done everything in my power, so now I have to wait whether I like it or not.

Christmas was good, the weeks before it kind of sucked though. I got talked into singing in the churches Christmas musical which all in all was an enjoyable experience. It allowed me to meet and really talk to some people in the church that I hadn’t up to that point. Though that’s where the enjoyment stopped. I can’t stand hokey, and this musical was the hokey king. What was even worse was that the solo that they wanted me to sing was beyond hokey it was down right pathetic. The whole musical was based off of 1940’s style music, which I love, but the lyrics, the plot, and really everything else was in desperate need of an overhaul. It was probably more frustration that it was actually worth, but any opportunity to where my choral tux is a welcomed one. I meet up with friends for a movie the Friday before Christmas; it was a short meeting actually. We just met up, watched the movie, and then went our separate ways. Not a great grand meeting but it’s a start, you know. I’ve had problem’s meeting up with people since I got back; I made a lot of hard breaks when I left. It’s hard to cross burnt bridges, and I’m not proving very adept.

But Christmas was good. It took me forever to get in the mood. Christmas music just grated on me this year. I couldn’t stand it, and only started really listening the week before Christmas. I’m not sure what it was, but there was just something odd about the whole thing. Nothing this season has felt like Christmas to me. Lots of things have changed and a lot more will change before all is said and done. I think that’s had a lot to do about it, but I don’t really know. Maybe it was the fact that it was warm, unseasonably warm. Freakishly warm, even. I mean, it’s not 55 degrees on Christmas, that’s just not right. There’s just so much about it that bothers me though, the commercializing, the bad spirits even on my part, the plodding horribly played Christmas carols sung Christmas eve. I hate the feeling that with all of this going on that I’ve missed the point completely. I hate faking things, and to be honest I’ve gone to Church late these past couple of Sunday’s because I didn’t want to stand through badly done Christmas carols that I would only sing out of a feeling of obligation. So much of it felt like obligation, right up to the point I woke up Christmas morning and my family gathered round the tree like we always do. That was when if finally felt like Christmas, and I had a sudden sense that no matter how many things change there will be those parts of my life that will always be constant. That Christmas isn’t what the rest of the world has made it. That Christmas isn’t even what the church has made it. It’s not even what I’ve made it. I heard a song a couple of days ago, when I turned the radio back on, that really hit me. “Here With Us” by Joy Williams, actually I have no idea if she wrote it or not, it an amazing song. The whole song is about the simple wonders of who God is, what He has done and Seen, and juxtaposing them with the image of the baby lying in his mother’s arms. There are several lines, the whole song actually, the just hit me hard, but I think the line that hits the hardest and brought the biggest revelation was this one:
“Jesus the Christ, born in Bethlehem. A baby born to save, to save the souls of man.”
At first, it’s not thing but the simple statement it seems to be, and maybe that all it was written to be. But this simple fact becomes so much more when we think of how he came to save us. He was born so that He could die. None of us, while we all will inevitably reach the end, none of us was born specifically to die. The song is amazing, you should try to find it; it’s on “come Let us Adore Him.”

I’ve been thinking a lot about the past year, where I started it, and where I am now. I’m having trouble coming up with whether it was a good one, or a bad one. I’m just not sure. It’s been a year of being up in the air, and with the New Year at hand I don’t see much of that changing, at least not yet. I’m asked on all but a daily basis how the grad school thing is coming, and what I’m planning on doing with it. It would be annoying, but I like talking about it, though I get about four lines into it and I start to get glazed over eyes, so I keep going. Don’t get me wrong; this year has been anything but bad. I don’t think I could call this year bad in anyway, I’m just not sure I’m comfortable with calling it good. I don’t know. It’s an interesting little problem, at least to me it is.

Novus Orsa, New Beginnings, the new year. It’s a time to start over. Thank God, cause I need one. We all need one. I’m not talking about resolutions that you’ll forget by the end of the week, but a real chance to start over. We all have our resolutions; I’m going to try to run every…other…day or something like that, but I know that I’m not going too. I’m busy, but I’m going to try, I swear I’m going to try. But I hate to run. I’ll play soccer until I drop dead, but I hate to run. I’m defiantly nuts. This is a time of Novus Orsa, new beginnings, and I plan to make the best of it. I hope you do as well. Happy New Year to everyone, I hope you’re all doing well. I miss you all, and I hope to hear from you soon. Love you guys, plutonicly though, only plutonicly...

A.T.H.

The trouble with IM...

2006-12-11T11:01:00.000-05:00

I've come to the conclusion that I really don't like IM. It's been my main mode of keeping in touch with people since I left school, but honestly I've really just had enough. I feel dehumanized when I'm on it. I feel like I've become at best a disembodied voice that pops every now and then, and annoyingly asks what you're up too. "Talking" over IM just takes so much out of a conversation. You miss the inflection of the voice that makes somthing a joke instead of a serious comment, or in my case the biting edge the lets you know I'm just being sarcastic, (I dare you to guess which is more important to me). It's just that I love conversations, and while IM is acceptable, and for all intesive purposes necessary, it just doesn't match up to the human interaction that you get through a good conversation. Moreover, there are just certain things that I want to say, but don't feel right saying them online, over IM. The same thing applies here, because you can't see the other persons reaction, can't hear the inflection in their voice, and because the can't perceive the way in which you say somthing it just won't sound the same to them as you may have intended it.

There are just certain things that you want to hear instead of read, not because of the words, but because of the way they are said. If you were to tell someone that you love them or even just like them, and actually let them hear the words, they would understand the truth behind them, or the lie if your being false. But simply to type out the words, I love you. The response changes, or you don't know how to respond, for that matter, why should you respond. You can just get up and walk away, close the window, say you had computer problems. It's easy to ignore a conversation online, you don't have to commite yourself to it. You can get up and walk around, go find a cup of coffee, get somthing to eat, or continue watching whatever you were watching on t.v. Maybe you're different, but I never feel the compuction to fully engage in a conversation online that I would feel when I'm looking directly into the face of the person talking. Honestly the disconnect that I do feel is rather disturbing.

The content of the conversations seem different as well, possibly because if neither participant is obliged to engage in the conversation, there's no need to talk about anything above the trivial. Opening questions of how a day has gone cease to be openings and instead become the conversation. There's no awkward silence to fill, because there is no awkward silence. You just move on to the next conversation, or switch back to watching t.v., or playing your game, or what ever else you were doing before you just happened to start a conversation with someone else.

I just feel at a loss with it it all. People I want to get to know better, I can't becuase I'm stuck with small talk conversations that even I can't force myself out of. I want to know more about the people I talk to, but find myself stalled by a lack of questions, and a perseived lack of interest on the otherside. I'm not being accusatory here, I know that almost all of this in on me. My mind runs wild like it always does, and I begin to believe things that I only percieve to be true whether they are or not. It's the eccentric musician in me I guess, we can't all me normal now can we. In all honesty I'm stuck. As much as I dislike it, I won't stop using IM. I don't really have a choice. I'm just tired of it. I'm tired to conversations that don't lead to much of anything but disapointment. I'm tired of asking all of the questions. I'm tired of starting the majority of the conversations. Maybe I've gone too far with that last statement, but it does feel like it.

When you've think, like I do, that you'll spend much of your life on the road, moving from place to place, country to country, never really having a home you tend to feel that at the very least that you should hold on to the friendships that I have, to strengthen them, pursue them. Relationship do one of two things, they grow or they die. It's a harsh reality and you may not agree with me right now, but I've not come by this conclusion lightly. It's been a hard lesson that I've hated to learn, and it is the driving reason behind my seriousness now. I don't like that my friends are spread across the country and the world, I don't like that the person I have an interest in lives in another country, but I live, work, worship, and strive through things that I don't like. When you tell yourself somthing enough times, eventually you believe it no matter what it is. It's a simple equation of mind over matter, but even with that I've never convinced myself that I can go it alone. I don't want too. In fact I never want to believe that I can go it alone, and so I hang on desperatly to the what I have.

I want to leave on a happy note. This whole thing has been rather melancholic. Things are well for the most part. I'm busy, work most days, and practices most nights. It's a good life. It's my life, and while I'm always trying to find ways to better it, I really wouldn't trade it for anything.
A.T.H.

In to the woods...

2006-11-26T01:28:00.000-05:00

Every time I step into the trees my life changes. I breath differently, I see differently, I move differently. There are no leaves on the trees any more. There are no forged trails where I'm going. It's more than the trees. It's the more than the animals. When you enter somthing a empty as the wilderness, it will do two things to you. It will empty you of everything you ever thought was true, and then if you let it it will fill you with a truth you never thought existed. It's one of my favorite musicals. It's were I go to think. It's were I go to be alone. Tomorrow...it's where I go to live.

A.T.H.

this is how I feel...

2006-11-21T00:34:00.000-05:00

I always run the risk of saying something I shouldn't when I open my mouth. The risk is double here, because I'm not always sure who reads this. There are two things about jumping off a cliff, you don't always know if you'll make it to the other side, and you're never certain you can fly untill you jump. And right now...this is how I feel:

I've always said this...

2006-11-15T22:50:00.000-05:00

Apparently there's a worry out their that the coming generation of children will grow up to be a bunch of pansies. I've know this all along. I'm just wonder why it took everyone else so long to figured it out. The mountain man has spoken.
A.T.H.

what it takes...

2006-11-11T00:36:00.000-05:00

It's interesting how little it takes.
All day things are fine.
Then you blink.
And your world
falls apart.

The past eleven days...

2006-11-06T23:31:00.000-05:00

One week ago I was recovering from a weekend with the youth group. We had gone to Assateague Island for the weekend to camp on the beach. It was great except for two very unescapeable facts. I was driving the "girls" van, and the wind was blowing so hard that we couldn't even set up the tents. Other than that it was a great weekend. I love the ocean, the endless motion of the waves, the smell of the salt. Just to sit and take it all in is so relaxing. It's almost worth enduring 10 total hours in a van full of over talkitive 15 and 16 year old girls whose taste of music is confined to rap and country. It's a miracle that no one died.

The ensuing week has been varitable roller coaster. I've spent a lot of time wondering about my relationship, and all of the joy that comes from that. I talked about them or rather my lack there of, with several people. John-philipe of course wanted to know if after no hearing from me for years, which I completly understand. It's the people that talk to me on a daily basis, that I don't get. No nothing has changed since yesterday, and you probably wouldn't be the first one I'd talk to about it anyway. I know people as because they care, at least that's what I'm choosing to believe, but sometimes enough is enough. Just in case there are people who were contimplating asking me about it...Yes there are people I like, No I've not really talked to them about it, Yes I do want to be in a relationship, and No I won't tell you anymore. Honestly the whole thing is rather depressing.

On Wednesday I was asked to help deliver a clavinova. Not a problem...but it was. Only two of us went, problem one. What we were told we were picking up was not what it actually was, problem two. Instead of a regular rectangular clav we found that the order was actually for a digital grand piano. It's a clav, but more in the shape of a miniture baby grand piano and weighing about 300 pounds on the light side. Luckily we had a piano dolly...right. Needless to say, things did not end well. We ended up droping it on the way out of the door. We cracked the polished ebony finish on it, it wasn't bad but it wasn't deliverably at that point. I forgot to mention that we had to drive to one of our other stores an hour away to pick it up. The day was not going well, but then we started to drive back. On the way back, I got probably the best complement that I could ever receive. Ian for some reason, started talking to me about...well me. I wasn't sure were he was going with this until he meantioned a conversation we had the week before. Afterwards he talked to Bill, the warehouse manager, and asked him if I was a christian, to which Bill replied that yes I was. I take this as a great complement, because I've never said that I am a Christian. I'm not quiet about my faith, but those exact words have never left my mouth. I personally believe that I should never have to tell anyone that I'm a Christian. If they can't see who I'm associated with through the way I act, then I'm not doing my job right. The rest of the van ride was theological discussion, I was able to present my faith and answer a lot of questions. I also got a glimps into what druidism is, which was fasinating to me since I have a great concection to all things celtic. I can understand why early Christian missionaries chose to cross the druidic religion with the Catholism. There are many places where Christianity simply takes one more step than the druid beliefs. The rest of the day was a lot better after that conversation. Ian quit two days later. I don't know if I'll see him again, but somthing tells me I won't.

I've been sick for the past four days. Not laid out, but not feeling well. To be honest, I've not felt well for one reason or another since the sunday back from the beach, mentaly, phisically, or emotionally. The concert I went to on Sunday didn't help. My brother is a great musician and plays in several ensambles, and for the most part things were ok. They were amature groups so I wasn't expecting much, but even my good graces have limits. The ladies choir left everything to be desired. I wept for my art. The instrumental ensambles did well, until the very end when a would be arranger/composer destroyed my favorite Beethoven piano sonata. It is just not meant to be arranged for brass. But so ended my weekend, and began a new week.

My week. I don't know what to think about it. So I present the evidence to you. God has been good, present in trouble. Questions without answers. I feel like I'm standing of the razors edge and I don't know what to say, or even if I should say anything at all. I think for now, the questions are best left unasked.

A.T.H.

PS. These are my horses on the beach

Not much of anthing...

2006-10-31T23:31:00.000-05:00

It's very interesting that I could feel disapointment over not getting somthing, even after I purposefully talked myself out of it. It's just so strange. I can't seem to wrap my mind around it. I talked myself out of it. It doesn't even matter that I talked myself out of it. I'm free, which is what I wanted...and that disapoints me. It really makes me want to hit somthing. It's just frustraiting. Am I that far gone? Please tell me this is normal.

The hardest thing I have to do in my life is talk to my friends about their relationships, especially when they're not going so well. I want to reach out, to hold them. It kills me on the inside. It's not becuase I'm not in a relationship, that's not the point. I don't like the fact that I don't have anyone in my life like that, but it doesn't bother me that much. I just feel for my friends, I want to do everything that I can for them, and it very feel like I've done enough. There's always somthing more that I could do, somthing else that I could say. It's just that tend to be active, I'm never satified with words. It's part of the reason I want to go into the missionfield. I can't just take a passive approch, I need to go.

I go to talk to Pam today. First time I think since Amy's wedding. It was great to talk to her, just to find out what she's up to and how she's doing. We talked about grad school, and what I should expect. We might meet up in NYC in December, catch the Opera, just have some fun. Actually this week has been a catch up we for me. Yesterday I had an hour long conversation with probably my best friend from High School. I've not talk to him in 6 years or more and then just out of the blue he calls. It was great to just catch up and hear what he's been doing since college. John-Phillipe is a great guy and I always hated that I lost track with him.

this post has been about a lot and really nothing at all. I've got a good story from the weekend, but right now this is what's on my mind.
A.T.H.

a few thoughts...

2006-10-24T23:29:00.000-04:00

There are things that I've never told anyone. I have my reasons for some of them, and for others...I just can't make the timing work.
I get jealous easily and it's somthing I hate about myself.
I never feel content with where I'm at or what I have, and I fear the times that I am content.
I rush to change, but what things to stay the same.
I have conversations with myself, and every once and a while I answer back.
I tell a good story, but even I don't believe them.
I'm full of advice but can't seem to follow any of it.
I've stopped making plans because they never work.
There are certain things in life that I want, but I don't know how to go about getting them.
I suck at conversations, I never know what to say.
I hate that the people I like live worlds away, and I never get to see them.
If I was a man, I'd tell you...
A.T.H.

25

2006-09-28T01:08:00.001-04:00

I don't make a big deal out of it because...I just don't.
Right now I just want some sleep, but in the morning I'll go to work, then I'll have practices and then I'll probably sleep. It's not a big day, but it is one more year. One more year of experience. One more year of knowledge. On more year of things left undone. One more year of things never forgotten. One more year of travel. One more year of hope. One more year of seeing where God has placed me. One more year of moving forward. One more year alone. One more year full of friends new and old. One more year of encouragement. One more year. I'm not guaranteed another one, but if I had to leave I think I'd be content. But for now I'm not content, there is much to be done and I am looking forward to every new day. I tend not to celebrate the day becuase to me it's just like every other day, one more chance to get it right, and that is the best gift I could ask for. This is the end of year 25 and the begining of year 26...bring it on. I'm ready for you.

Happy freakin' birthday to me.

A.T.H.

2006-09-24T23:18:00.000-04:00

If I told you I love you
would you believe me.
I've lied, I've cheated
and trust is a virtue
I seem not to posses.

Of all the things
I could promise
none seem to posses
the finite ability
of absolute truth.

If I showed you
the black of my heart
would you stand at my side
when the morning brings to life
the world I've tried to hide

If I told you I love you
would the world stop turning
would the sun shine brighter
would the stars seem closer
If I told you I love you...

2006-09-12T00:11:00.000-04:00

I don't know how to say this. All I can do is ask for prayer. Not for myself, but for my family. I can't say much, but my cousin is in serious trouble. He and his family need serious prayer, so I appeal to you. Please, I beg you. Please pray.
A.T.H.

You win some, you lose some...

2006-08-26T00:31:00.000-04:00

It's been awhile since I posted anything other than a short update...
It's not for lack of subjects to write about, but then again, in a way, it is.
Working my job I hear a lot of things that spark my interest. Things that when you first hear them they just jarr your sences, and even afterwards they stick with you untill you either get it out, or you hear something else just as jarring. I've got a list of things like that. Other than that there's a lot of day to day things, but I'm not exactly interested in sharing them on the net. I've just been very busy lately, working 40 hours a week, two practices a week, preparing songs for Sunday, playing, not including all of the middle of the week stuff that always happens. But a lot of that...I just don't want to tell you about. Trust me you'll thank me someday.

There has been somthing that's really sticking with me. When my cousin graduated from the tech program that he's been working through my mom came up with the great idea of giveing him a guided day trip to New York City. The guide of course was the only person she knew who was at the time living outside the City...me. I love the City, and am absolutely entralled at the idea...actually I'm happier about the fact that eventually I'm going back to the City, even if for the day. My cousin doesn't get out of the state much, doesn't travel at all. He hasn't seen much of the world and my mom has taken it upon herself to help out. Well, I've been helping the situation. I've bought him a travel book, circled the things that I think that he would enjoy, plus the average tourist things (the good ones) that everyone who goes to the City should check out. He's getting really excited about all this, which just makes me more excited. A couple of weeks ago Mom made a passing comment about me taking my other cousin up to the City. I had been home all of five minutes and not had the best of days, the only thought that popped into my mind was the money I'd have to shell out to do that. Bad I know, but like I said it wasn't a good day and I'd not quite been myself. I instead made mention that I thought the trip was supposed to be just Kyle (his younger brother) and myself, to which my mom responded that we could go up some other time. Again the money thing came up, and being who I am I opened my mouth. Mom ignored the comment, she's really good at that, and said that Shearod is a lonely young man and it would be nice to do this. Withou thinking (like all of my good comments) I blerted out that, "Mom, we're all lonely."

This weekend is going to be a little disapointing. One of my good friends, Liz is going to be coming through the area, but due to some extenuating circumstances I won't get to see her. Very disapointing. I've not seen her in probably four years if not longer. We talk a good bit online and I love that, but it's nice to actually see your friends from time to time. I miss her, and only talking online just isn't the same. I feel that way with all of my friends from school. Talking online is great and I love that I keep in touch with the people, but it's just not the same. It's not the same, and it never will be.

Mom didn't have much to say to my little statment. Honestly I wasn't sure that I'd even said anything. It's not that I don't want to help lonely people out, but there's only so much I can do. I think the thing that bothered my mom though was the fact that I said that we're all lonely. It's true, in one way or another we're all a little lonely. Unless we're married I guess, not that that is the answer to loneliness. But yeah, I'm a little lonely. I don't mind it. I've got a lot of things that keep me busy, contact with a lot of people that I know and like, and frankly when I'm done with my day I don't nessiarily want to hang out with people...but I do anyway. There are a lot of things here, lots of conclusions that I could draw from a small side comment that I made off the top of my head, but I choose not too. I don't want to be lonely. I don't want to miss my friends. I do want to get married someday and have kids. Just not today. I can live with being a little lonely.
A.T.H.

Happiness in red....

2006-08-14T23:51:00.000-04:00

It was a good weekend. Hershey Park with the family, we made mom ride the roller coasters. My Cousin and his girlfriend were baptised on Sunday, very amazing, awesome time for the family. I played again on Sunday morning, helped to lead worship, very good time. But Sunday afternoon...oh this fatefull sunday afternoon...I bought this

Happiness definatly came in red.
A.T.H.

I'd tell you, but...

2006-08-01T00:37:00.000-04:00

There are certain things that you just can't write about on a blog. Things like talking bad about your friends...not that I have anything bad to say about you guys. I really don't, and you know that if I did...I'd just tell you.

Morty dropped by yesterday, which was really sweet. He meet my family, my grandfather...so now he understands. I love showing off my family, they're completly hillarious. Other than that everything is fairly normal. I work everyday, I water my bonzai, I read, hang out with people from church, plan worship services, the normal stuff. It's a little boring, but I can't complain. I'm going to be getting an electric guitar soon, I think. We'll see, I'm not sure yet.

So there's a little update for you all. Hope you enjoyed it.

A.T.H.

Where oh where have I been...

2006-07-12T22:30:00.000-04:00

So...enough with the Russian. To answer your question, I've been on vacation. With creation canceled I went up to my church camp with the youth group and had a blast. I played councelor to the youngest group of guys that when a long, juinor highers mostly, and they were hillarious. I lead a group up to Flat Rock, which means nothing to anyone who might read this. It's the worst four mile round trip you'll ever take. Morty just to give you an idea, it took us just about two hours to hike up, and I made it back down in fourty five minutes. That was with the ten minute stop to play with the rattle snake. Sorry, no picture. You'll just have to take my word for it. We threw together this amazing race type of thing for the kids, and yeah...my guys won. Irlanders freakin' rule.
So then it was on to the beach. yes, North Carolina where all your dreams come true. Well...not really, but it was close. It was a good week all in all. We didn't have any waves all week, but that was ok too...not really. Talked to a pro bodyboarder about board selection, talked to the bonzai lady about the tree I bought. That's right, you should be jealous. Had some amazing sea food as usually. Convinsed my Aunt that when I said I was eating dolphin that I wasn't actually eating Flipper. It's a fish for crying out loud, a really good fish. Played some mini golf which was kind of boring to be honest. Saw the fireworks over the harbor at Manteo on Roanoke Island. It was over all a great week.
And now I'm back in Hanover...working...interestingly enough my Pastor drove his Harley in the the Church last Sunday. I thought it was great. He'll do anything for a sermon illistration. Well, almost anything.
A.T.H.

Предположение, что это говорит.

2006-06-23T00:08:00.000-04:00

Я - небольшое правление прямо сейчас. Так, я думал, что я буду пробовать somthing забаву. Я действительно хочу изучить русский язык когда-нибудь, но пока я соглашусь на перевод этого в Интернете. Я тоскую без Вас парни. Я действительно желаю, чтобы Вы звонили бы, но тогда мне жаль, что я не имею шары, чтобы назвать несколько человек самостоятельно. Вещи подходят. Работа хороша. Я взволнован для создания. Даже более взволнованный для берега. Я хотел бы получить собаку. Я действительно хочу собаку, сибирский huskie. Хорошо, это было забавой. Я думаю, что это - время для кровати. Я должен встать и пойти, чтобы работать снова завтра. Проклятая ответственность. Я надеюсь, что каждый преуспевает.
A.T.H.

A Quick update...

2006-06-13T16:25:00.000-04:00

For the simple reason that I haven't blogged in two weeks, I thought I should write about what's been going on. I hope that in the next few days I will no longer be unemployed...I hope. I had an interview last week and I'll find out this week what the verdict is. That has consumed the majority of the last week or so.

I love soccer and I need to find some pickup games this summer. I've been watching the World Cup games this week, current game is Crotia vs. Brazil. I saw the U.S. get beat 3 - nil by the Cezch Republic, horrible game. There is somthing to be said when a team doesn't move to the ball, I've not played in 5 years or better and I know that.

I played bass for the worship team on Sunday and will do that again this Sunday, I've got practice tonight. My parents didn't know that I played the bass. I prefer the guitar, but the bass is good too. It's intereting to see how things have changed over the years, in a greater musically sence I mean. I used to be that you could be good at one instrument and that was good enough. People were in awe at what you could do. But now, especially in the church, one instrument just doen't cut it. You have to be able to play the piano, guitar (electric and accustic), and sing like an american idol. And that's just if you want to keep up with the Jones's. Sorry for the sidebar. I'm playing again on sunday, and except that some of the songs were doing...well...I just don't like how were doing them. Personal opinion, and I've got a lot of them.

I had one crazy-a dream this morning. I say this morning because I distinctly remember waking up before I actually had the dream. I woke up after all of the excitement was over, a trip across town on foot by myself, cutting through a house and being caught by the people that lived there, meeting an old friend I haven't seen in years and just saying hi before hurrying on, suddenly being in a group of people that I knew and was comfortable with but I didn't know any of them, an illegal imagrent bust by the INS, running from the INS and hinding out in the
basment of a building, then end with the discovery that I couldn't call Morty, which I had been trying to do the entire time, because I suddenly found that my phone lost his number. Then I woke up.

I'm employed. A music store, that I have spent many hours at already, has hired me to be...dun dun DA!!!...a music librarian. Yeah I know. It's a good job, it's fairly temporary which is nice, but they will be more than happy to make it more permenant if I don't go to grad. school. They actually created the job for me, which is hugh for self esteem. Not that I need it...really at all.

Creation is coming up in the next two weeks, and the straight down to the Outer Banks for a week. The mountains are great, but they don't have sand dunes or ocean waves that you can ride. I'm still working on summer hikes, but now that I'm employed I'll at least be able to fund them. I'm thinking about whitewater rafting in late summer early fall. If anyone is interested...Morty, Jones, Ankney...give me a call and tell me. I'm serious about this, rafting in West Virginia.

I should be taking the gre in the next couple of months. Applying for grad. school. I'm a little nervous, just a little.

A.T.H.

My greatest mystery...

2006-06-01T20:48:00.000-04:00

Caral Sagan had the cosmos and the search for intellegent life.

Da Vinci had the pursut of science, machines, and art.

Isaac Newton had the laws of physics.

Edison had the light bulb.

Socrates had the pursue of knowledge.

The Church has the Trinity.

Paul had his thorn and the revelation of "Christ in you."

My brother has the inability of the human brain to function within 200 yards of a Walmart.

I have...you. You and the way I act. I can't explain it, and it confuses the crap out of me. You intrigue me, you make me think, you make me happy, and you piss me off. I would think about something else if I could, but know my life would be less with out it. You effect me without knowing, without trying. You are my greatest mystery.

What is your mystery? What drives you in the middle of the night?

A.T.H.

Alone on the train...

2006-05-22T11:22:00.000-04:00

I went into the city yesterday for the last time, well...at least for a while. I sang in church with a male quartet, got rousing applause for my high A at the end of the song, cleaned up, changed, and hopped the train into the city. I've just started reading Miller's "Searching for God knows what." I'm going to love it as much as I loved "Blue Like Jazz," but I think this one will make me think more. It already has in some ways. We talk about putting God in a box, and how that's bad, but do we ever really think about how we've put God in that box to begin with? I'm still beginning to think about this for myself so I won't attempt to answer that now, but there have been other snippets that have caught me off guard. Here was the first:

"My friend who owns the coffee shops told us, in a tone of kindness and truth, that nobody he knows who is successful gambles; rather, they work hard, they accept the facts of reality, they enjoy life as it is. 'But the facts of reality stink,' I told him. 'Reality is like a fine wine,' he said to me. 'It will not appeal to children.'

The author and I share something in common...actually I think we have lot in common, but that's beside the point. We both hate self-help books. I can't stand them and it really makes me angry to see them in Christian bookstores. First the idea that what will help us as humans is already inside us, when the Bible states that nothing we do with prosper outside of God is just a little confusing to me. Second, they mostly seem to be about making yourself happy, wealthy, or good looking or some other such nonsense. Third, this is where Miller and I really agree, there all very formulaic. Follow steps one, two, and three to achieve true enlightenment and a fuller wallet. I can name two people who've achieved the same goal through the same process. If you can please tell me, I'd love to be enlightened.

Being a lover of a good glass of wine, I'm not a connoisseur by any stretch of the word, I can completely relate to the previous statement. My family goes to the Outer Banks, North Carolina every summer for vacation. If you've not gone, get up and go, it really is the best vacation spot ever. Last summer we took some time and sampled some of the local wines, everyone has a local wine now. Dad picked up one and we opened it for dinner. Now my brother who is trying things for the first time, because he's better than I was, was completely disgusted that we would choose to drink something so foul. Nothing about it appealed to him, a complete waste of taste. Now to be honest it wasn't the best tasting wine in the world and it was defiantly a bit too sweet for my tastes. But that was the difference between us, My parents and I commented on it, said things about it both good and bad, we enjoyed the taste for what it was, we appreciated it. By brother on the other hand couldn't tell you anything about the taste except that he didn't like it. Only someone immature complains about something they don't understand.

The second excerpt was this:
"But I suppose I can't blame him because, in my life, god is always changing the way I think of Him. I am not saying God Himself is changing, or that my theology is open and I blur the lines on truth; I am only saying I think I know who He is, then I figure out I don't know very much at all. For instance, and as I have said, a lot of people believe God responds to formulas, but He doesn't. So that is one example of how our idea of God is always becoming a bit more accurate. And that's one of the things you notice about Jesus in the Gospels, that He is always going around saying, You have heard it said such and such, but I tell you some other thing. If you happened to be a person who thought they knew everything about God, Jesus would have been completely annoying."

Longer I know, and I'm not going to comment on it, except for this. What makes people think they speak for God? What amount of knowledge do you have to gain to come to the conclusion that you know exactly what God would do? How small of a god would you have to serve? Santa Clause is not God, Santa doesn't even exist.

I stopped into a Church yesterday evening, The Journey. They’re a very fascinating church and if I lived in the City it's were I would be spending my time. Their service is very much like chapel at IWU, except with flow and continuity. Four services every Sunday, all filled with people 23-30, probably why I like them so much. The two teaching pastors are amazing and connect with the people in profound ways. Their goal at the end of the service is to move you to action, whatever action that might be. They even put in on the back of the attendance card they give you. "This week I commit to..." There's normally a list of four or five, the first one always being the memory verse for the week. They finished up a series called, T.G.I. Monday with a talk about what it means to be successful. They contrasted the world's ideas of success with God's idea of success, with a big emphasis on serving others. About half way through I was caught by something that I heard in my head. Yes, I'm hearing voices again. No, I don't need medicated. But the quite voice in the back of my mind went, "that's why you liked Wednesdays so much." There were parts of Wednesdays that I could have done without, or would rather have done without. But all in all I love Wednesdays around here, because that was the day we had kids choir. I can't begin to explain, how much I loved working with the kids, teaching them, answering questions (no matter how annoying), kneeling down to help and crack a joke just so they'd smile. I've come to a conclusion. It doesn't matter what you do, as long as you serve God.

Sitting alone on the train I couldn't do anything but thank God for the time I've spent here. I've a few more days, and a lot of things to do in those days, but my time here is quickly coming to a close. I couldn't do anything but thank him, for giving me a perspective that allowed me to learn even as I served. Sitting alone on the train I made my promises one more time. Lots of things can happen when you're alone on the train.

I'll drive these roads in thunder and in rain
and I will sing your song at the top of my lungs
and I will praise you Lord in glory and in pain
and I will follow you till this race is run
and I will drive these roads till the motor won't run
and I will sing your song from sea to shining sea
and I will praise you Lord till your kingdom comes
and I will follow where you lead
Till there's no more faith
no more hope
I see your face and Lord I'll know
there's no more faith
there's no more hope
we'll sing your praise and let them grow
where there's only Love.

A.T.H.

That thing you swore you'd never tell anyone about...

2006-05-17T23:55:00.000-04:00

Well, I'm still not going to tell you. On the other hand locking yourself out of the house is pretty funny, but not as funny as realizing that you didn't but the spare key back in it case. And neither is as funny as trying to hoist yourself through the window feet first with nothing to grab onto about you so you have to do it one foot at a time while you balancing on the deck railing. All this because you wanted your steak cooked on the grill like it should be. Some people will travel the world to find what they like. I just had to climb through my pantry window.
A.T.H.

freeloading...

2006-05-15T14:44:00.000-04:00

couchsurfing.com, In the world of procrastinating freeloaders like myself it's surpising to find that one of us had enough in him to start up somthing where everyone gets something for free, even if it is just a conversation with someone who just picked you up from the airport. Staying in a strangers house for free...sounds like ministry team days to me. This could come in handy if I ever get to go on that trip to Europe that I want to take...
A.T.H.

Weeping Willow...

2006-05-09T14:01:00.000-04:00

World weeps this funeral day
Steel sky for a shroud
A cold May wind tugs
Gently at my coat
Like a child vying
For my attention yet
Not wanting to bother me
Shrugged shoulders
Depressed in motion
Fallen petals pink and brown
Swirl by a lonely bench
Seeking refuge beneath
The shrugged shouldered branches
Silent birds quickly skitter
Round the quiet lamppost
Weeping world
Weeping willow
Bends it’s branches
To brush my hair like a lover

You were twenty-four...

2006-05-09T12:25:00.000-04:00

You were twenty-seven when it happened
Was it sudden? Was it quick?
Or was it slow
Was it long and painful?
Were you scared so far from home?
You were twenty-seven.

You were twenty-seven when it happened
You were the Rector of Rugby, N.D.
A man that people trusted
But maybe a man that people hated.
You were twenty-seven when it happened
You were twenty-seven

I see myself, lying in your place
Both young, both following
Chosen to lead
Did you choose or were you chosen
Did you know what would happen
Were you happy,
Were you content
Did it make sense
Did it have too
Did you wonder why now
Had you thought yourself safe

I was twenty-four when it happened
When you caught my eye
When you asked if I found peace here
“I don’t come here for peace,” I said
“That is well,” you said
“For we aren’t here to give it”

You were twenty-seven
And I am twenty-four.

A.T.H.

Random thoughts...

2006-05-08T17:27:00.000-04:00

I've been really unplugged as of late and don't know much of what's actually going on...and I kind of like it.

I don't know what to get Allison and Yank for their...

A Bar is a really interesting place to meet people.

Karaoke is a hillarious way to spend time with anyone new. Especially when they're cute, and you can sing.

I was looking for somthing on the internet but I stopped cause I couldn't remember what I was looking for.

My Parents stopped by on their way to Cape Cod...that was fun.

Never show up early for Cinco De Mayo party...that's it, just don't do it.

Should have put money on Barbaro, I wanted too...but I didn't know where to go.

I've been having the same dream lately and I don't like it. I don't want to argue with her, but I'm afraid that I might. I don't want to. no

Crab fishing in the Barring Sea is nutz, and I want to do it.

People look at you funny when you say sweet as.

I think I want a tatoo. Like a Celtic cross on my shoulder, or somthing like that.

When someone buys you a drink, you drink it. Simple chorale training that...

Personally I like the fact that I can here at least 3 different languages in 15 minuets at the park. Makes me feel special.

I found a place to learn to scuba dive, but I'm broke...I don't think this is a problem.

I still want to go sky diving.

A.T.H.

What the crap...

2006-04-27T22:45:00.000-04:00

I really want to say somthing about how high gas prices are right now. The whole situation really just makes me angry. I'm paying 3.15 per gallon, which makes me angry. The people we've put in charge are currently using this to try and get re elected, which makes me angry. More importantly the people who are in charge are completly impotent to do anything but argue about ways that might fix this problem. They bicker, and moan, and sit on there own hands instead of helping each other reach a common ground on the subject. Now I know that they don't have to pay for their gas, I pay for their gas, so why should they care? Well I care, dang it, I care! FIX THE PROBLEM! I'M PAYING YOU TO FIX THE PROBLEM! WHY HAVN'T YOU FIXED THE PROBLEM! So, now that I've said that...
This may be the most selfish thing that I've every said...but I'm going to say it anyway. I really don't like it that I don't sing as much as I think I should at Church. I hate that I sing melody when ever Tim calls me down to sing the praise choruses, I never sing the first tenor line. I wouldn't care except for the fact that I am a first tenor. What I'm singing is literally destroying my voice. Everytime I have had a solo is been, a nice, rather boring song, that doesn't fit my voice because it's to low. I've been passed over again for a solo in choir, again. I mean...your paying me to do somthing of these things right? That's why I'm here? And I really don't want to conduct the piece that we did in october, but for some reason are going to do again in two weeks. What's the point in that? I can't do anything with it, they already know the piece, they've done it a dozen time's I'm sure, they won't watch or react even if they do. I'll do it anyway, and I'll do everything that I can do with it. A word out there to all music students, assistants or otherwise: Never let the director teach the choir your piece, because then it will sound like he wants it, and not like you want it.
So yeah...maybe I am selfish, but I needed to get this out. Maybe next time I'll talk about somthing better...more important...somthing less self-aborbed. I'm just angry and annoyed is all. So...I was a good day, I'm just stuck here for right now. Talk to me tomorrow.
A.T.H.

The Coin...

2006-04-11T11:30:00.000-04:00

"'Show me a denarious. Whose portrait and inscription are on it?'
'Caesar's,' they replied.
He said to them, 'Then give to Caesar what is Caesar's, and to God what is God's.'
Luke 20: 24, 25

I remember explicitly the first time I heard this piece of scripture. I was being taught a lesson on finances, taxes, and tithing by my mom. She was making me give up some of my allowance for tithe for the first time, and I really didn't appreciate the effort. I stood there after my mom asked me to do this and explain why we do it, telling me that the Bible says we should give 10 percent back to God. Since I was maybe nine or ten at the time, if the Bible said it it was ok with me, even if I didn't quite understand why God wanted or needed my money. Maybe He needed some new underwear, I wasn't really sure. What I did know is that the government had no real need for my money. I told my mom this, and she smiled and calmly opened her Bible to this passage and explained it to me saying that we pay taxes because that's what Jesus said to do. The money obviously came from the government in the first place, so if they wanted it so badly they could have it back.

Maybe you have the same kind of experience with this passage, maybe not, but I think we all somewhere along the line ended up with the same conclusion. "Pay your taxes, cause Jesus said so." We can even support it with what Paul tells us to do in Romans 13:1 and the writer of Hebrews 13:17. It's fairly conclusive that Jesus told us to pay our taxes...Or I thought so until this Sunday.

This past Sunday the President of the Center for Judaic-Christian Studies in Dayton, Ohio gave the message. He spoke of the Triuphal Entry, of people praising Christ as he humbly rides in of a donkey, He quickly pointed that the crowd that would shout for his death in just a few days was not the same crowd that welcomed him to Jerusalem. "Those, he said, would still be in bed in those early morning hours after they had enjoyed the Passover meal. The crowd condemning Christ was most likely temple guards and people loyal to the ruling powers." WE then moved to our main passage. He said many of the same things that I've just said but then turned and said that this wasn't Christ's point at all.

The pharisees have been backed into a wall here by Jesus and they are searching for any reason to get rid of him. He's just told the parable of the Tenants (Lk 20:9-19). The People are appalled that the obvious subject of the parable, the Pharisees, would be reviled by God and their authority taken away. Yet Jesus reminds then that the Psalmist prophesied "the stone the builders rejected has become the capstone." (118:22) The teachers of the law and the chief priests are furious but know that to arrest Jesus out right would insight a riot so they attempt to trap him with a political question. They ask him whether or not it is lawful to pay taxes to the Roman government. Jesus realizing what is going on asks them for a denarius. The question you should be asking at this point is why didn't he just take one his own out of his pockets? The answer is simple...He didn't have one. Exodus 20:4 "You shall not make for yourself and idol in the form of anything in heaven above or on the earth beneath or in the waters below." It was unlawful for Jesus to have in his possession something with someone else's image on it. The fact that he asks for one, and receives one from some one associated with the temple let alone a teacher of the law or a high priest is down right scandalous.

The Denarius has on one side of it a picture of the Roman emperor, Tiberious in this case, which would be bad enough, but Mr. Pryor revealed to us that on the opposite side would have been an inscription, "Tiberious Caesar son of the DEVINE Augustus." Not only is this coin a symbol of roman oppression to the Jewish people it is an artifact of Roman religion. In essence an idol, forbidden by Jewish law, and it was in the possession of the temple.

When Christ asks whose picture is on the coin he very subtly references the creation account where God says, "let Us make man in Our own image." This is why the passage is so important. Christ quickly places ownership on two things in this picture, the coin and man. He tell them that if the coin is created in Caerar's, who thinks himself divine, image then give it back to Caesar, but you are created in MY image. We are to give back to God what is God's by right of creation, ourselves. The taxes are not important, give them what they gave to you in the first place. What is important is what you've done with your heart, your mind, your soul. By having the coin in their possession they are breaking the same laws they are supposed to teach and uphold in others, where is their mind, where is their heart, their soul?

We so often attempt to live our lives like the Pharisees where trying to live theirs, pious to the people who matter. On Sunday we raise our palm branches and cry "Hosanna in the highest! Blessed be your Name!," but as the week moves on we turn and say "Hail Caesar!" by what we have in our pockets. Christ told us that we cannot serve to masters, that eventually we would learn to love the one and despise the other. The coin seems like such a simple thing, but it held so much significance in the long run. This wasn't a social commentary on the good or ill of taxes, it was a revelation of moral truth to those who thought they had it all together. These men where so sure that they were doing the right thing, that Jesus was just trying to insight the people against them, that they missed the truth of his message. Love came to earth to save them, but all they could see was the power slipping out of there hands.
A.T.H.

my simple prayer...

2006-04-06T00:03:00.000-04:00

"My daddy's in Russia, so you're my daddy every Wednesday."

You know, even my hard, sarcastic, and way to often cynical heart can be melted. Especially when Katya, hugs me as whispers that in my ear. I've never been so honored in my life, never so scared. I never wanted so badly to be a father until I heard that whisper. I want so badly to live up to the standard that my dad has set for me, to be a man equally passionate about his family, his wife, and his God. I know no greater challenge. I just pray I'm man enough to live up too it... and that I get the chance to try.

God if you never bless me with a wife I will be fine as long as you always bless me with children.

A.T.H.

lists of seven...

2006-04-05T00:12:00.000-04:00

Liz I'm doing this all at once. For anyone else who might be wondering. My great, Canadian, short friend Elizabeth Stewart (all of which are quite lovely characteristics btw) tagged me to do some list of seven. So lists of seven it shall be. I love a challenge. Let the trial of brevity commence.

7 things I would like to do before I die:
1. Sky dive
2. Scuba dive
3. Learn Russian, French, and Gaelic
4. Learn to Fly
5. Hike the Appalachian Trail (all of it, though maybe not at one time)
6. Get really good at skiing
7. Read the compelet works of C.S. Lewis

7 things I cannot do:
1. Have a serious conversation with Dan Ankney
2. Go easy on myself
3. Go through a day with out listening to or making music
4. Talk coherently before 10am without coffee
5. Be nice
6. Not be sarcastic
7. not laugh in a days time

7 things I say most often
1. wow (normally said after someone else says somthing completly idiotic)
2. sweet as (there no second s get your minds out of the gutter and ask me)
3. wicked sick
4. You got that? you ok? Don't hurt yourself... (normally after someone fail to put together a simple english sentence, see number 6 in the previous list)
5. I win!!
6. Yeah, you suck.
7. I don't care. (my personal favorite. It can be applied to anything, though my favorite is when someone, like Kelly or Jeremy huff, tells me that that they hate me.)

7 place you might like to visit before you die
1. Ireland
2. Denali in Alaska
3. Russia
4. Salzburg, Austria
5. Paris, France
6. Thailand
7. Rome, Italy

7 things I hate:
1. People who talk even though they have no idea what they are talking about.
2. People how carry out War in the name of God.
3. Slow drivers
4. People who automatically assume they are right
5. Any guy who can't keep his word, has no sence of honor or what it means to be a gentleman, and treats women like trash
6. The idea that getting drunk is a way of having a good time.
7. People who can't laugh at the absrudity in their own life, including their faith.

7 activities I enjoy doing
1. Hiking/camping
2. Skiing
3. Reading
4. Singing, or really anything to do with music
5. Writing in my blog
6. Talking to friends over coffee
7. Video games

7 friends you want to do this list of sevens
1. Amy, because I'm pretty sure you're the only person who still reads this, besides liz.
2. Morty, but he won't.
3. Allison, but I know she's busy
4. Erica, but I doubt she'll read this...and she doesn't have a blog that I know of.
5. Kinky, but she probably won't read this either.
6. Jones...not that he'd be able to stop at seven.
7. Andrea, though again, I'm pretty sure she doesn't read this.
8. Any random reader who may like to enlighten me to his or her presence.

So there you go. 49 things you probably never would have guessed about me...well, maybe not. At the very least they are 49 things that you never really ever wanted to know in the first place. Here's hoping I hear back from at least some of you. If it works maybe I'll start writing about you guys more often, then I'll hear from you more...
A.T.H

Alone in the dark...

2006-04-03T12:16:00.000-04:00

This is becoming a disturbing trend. Last thursday I sent another 4 and a half hours in a car just so I could get to a wedding. Now I know this soulds rather benine, and it is except for the fact that I didn't leave until 11pm (and that after being up since 8am). It's rough driving through the night, especially when I don't have Amy to talk to and make fun of the signs for Schenectady. Now I'm not complaining. I could have easily left early on friday and made it to the rehearsal just fine, but there were other things that I needed/wanted to do while I was home. Like I said, this is becoming a rather disturbing trend with me and weddings. Let me just give a run down:
John and Jennie Gregory - Traved some 2,400+ miles over four days, alone in my car.
Nate and Maria Lail - After traveling from hanover, PA to marion. I traveled about 1000 miles in 24 hours (to Eau Claire and back to marion).
Steve and Amy Kannel - Hanover to Bryan, OH (I think that's were I was). Three days, stopped in Marion on the way back...not exactly the same direction. aproximatly three weeks after Nate and Maria's wedding.
Keith and Hidie Bortner - this was last thursday.
Lets face it, I love you guys and would drive to Antarctica if that's where you were getting married, nobody get any funny ideas.
Alone as I was, my mind, like normal, started to run away with me. Fortunatly it can't go far becuase I'm in my car...right. Anyway, I started thinking about all of my late nights, which started me thinking about the summer I traveled with BK, and it was all down hill from there. No, it was great for a chance to remember thinks I havn't thought of in a while. People I haven't thought of. It was great remembering everything from that summer on the road. The odd thing was that I found my pictures from that summer completly by accident on saturday. I put some faces to names and memories that I had gone through and remember things that I had completly forgotten until I saw the picture. Even so there were a few pictures that just drew blanks. I'm sure they were important at the moment, but I couldn't for the life of me remember what they were suppposed to be. So, contrary to the rather foreboding title of this blog it's a rather happy one. One of my great friends from my home church got married, I got to be there, a little worst for wear but I was there, and as I sat in the dark speeding toward somthing that has been known to throw me into introspective melancholy I remembered what I truly consider one of the best spent three months of my life. I would live them over in a heart beat. Jon, Amy, Steph, Tim, and Jon (Peter) I don't know if I ever thanked you for laughing at me (like when I got pulled over and played "who sir? Me sir?" with the cop), being angry at me, letting me laugh with you (Get Down, Jaun Carlos!!), keeping me a wake, keeping me going, letting me drive all the time (even if you didn't like sitting shotgun with me, Pete), generally having a little fun (like convicing the whole of East Michigan Family camp that I was from Ireland), and letting me laugh at you (why else would you spill stuff all over yourself every time you ate?). It was great reminiscing even if I was alone in my car. Where else would I be? Everyone knows that "I should be the one behind the wheel."
A.T.H.

Searching to understand...

2006-03-21T12:30:00.000-05:00

I'm not done, not by a long shot, but sometimes you just have to clear the air. I've been reading a good bit latly, and I've got a lot of reading to go. I picked up several authors, philosophers mostly, who I thought would give me a good look at the questions an atheist would raise, their perspective on religion in general, and some of the answers they would provide. I chose philosophy and not science on the simple grounds that science is in essence another religion. Through Science we've created another set of beliefs, as well as another world view, based on the scientific method and what we've "discovered" based on our own rational thought. You could of course say the same about philosophy, except for the fact that no one has ever (to the best of my knowledge) created a religion based on a man's philosophy. It has of course helped the case of many prophets, and in course many philosophers consider themselves prophets trumpeting the truths of the world to the milling masses. Some would say that Christ or Mohamad are nothing more that prophets/philosophers of their day whose followers took things to far. Personally these people have missed the point of the messages brought, especially in the case of Christ. I'll stay away from Mohamad, on the simple grounds that my thoughts and feelings on Islam are vague at best and my knowledge minimal, the best that I could offer would be personal opinion at best and that seems to just get me into trouble I don't need that right now. We can easily seperate the philosophy from the man when it comes to christ, which is I believe were we come up with the majority of our problems. We create new theologies, based off of the philosophy of Christ. This is were we get our so called social gosple. Please don't mistake me, those things are there, but it is only when we seperate them from the man that we can produce a gosple solely on the basis of the social ethics found in the Bible. Our Greatest problem is taking the Christ as a whole, blood, guts and all. I'll write more on this later, since it really isn't what I'm focusing on right now.

Of the authors I've decided to converse with I thought that I should start with Nietchze. Who better to start with than the man who claimed God was dead. Now before the atheist tells me one more time that a true athiest doesn't believe there was a god to begin with, let me remind you that when Nietchze says that God is dead, he's saying that the need for a belief in God no longer exists, so in essence this is different from the Diecide philosophy that came out of Emery University. That stated that God did in fact exist, but found that we didn't need Him anymore and in fact died on the cross, but never came back to life. Nietchze more simply takes humanism to its ultimate extremities and states that we no longer need God so there is no reason for religion. It's important to read Nietchze as an athiest or a thiest simply so you understand the true consequences of the Statement "God is Dead." The modern atheists that I've come in contact with seem to hold to moral standerd that are not much different that my own. They reject the anarchist formula that most christians would put on them, the long hair, death metal, all in black all the time, etc. etc. so on and so forth. They want to be seen as regular people, except for the fact that they don't believe in a deity. They go to great lengths to say that there is no god, but what it sounds like to me is a simple scurtting of the issue. They don't have to deal with many of the great problems of the world simply on the grounds that the problem revolves around there being a god in the first place. No god, no problem. Very simple you see.

The problem then becomes that they argue so long and so hard that they have no god and there for no religion that they create their own with out even knowing it. This is where science comes back into the picture, and gives me one more reason to exculd it, at least for the moment, from my research. Unfortuately science cannot regulate morality, so the atheist is left with a problem. If you reject the existance of God, you there for must reject religion, in my case christianity, wholly. This means that everything associated with that religion must die. This is the logical, and there for the only road left for the atheist. Nietzsche saw this, understood it and accepted it. Nietzsche took the precepts of humanism to there full extent, first in saying that God was dead and then in stringing out the next steps for human kind. He regected the notions of modern morality because he had too. You can't adhear to Judaeo-christian morality and ethical thought, basically the Ten Commandments, if the basis for those morals didn't exist in the first place. Nietzsche spoke of an Uber-Mensche, or superman, that would be able to replace this old form of morality which he considered a slaver morality with that of his own. this new morality would be based on the strenght and virtue of the person, much like those of Homer's hero's in the Illiad. In essence a might make right mentality. I don't nessisarily see this as the ultimate out come, but it is possible. In anycase, the fact remains that for some reason this is not acceptable to most atheists today, who are simply not willing to let go of the moral code that makes them, in there eyes a good person. But why.

Some I'm sure surmise that this moral code was the ultimate conclustion of time and human interaction, a kind of noble savage mentality. If we are all truly good to begin with then of course we would come up with moral laws that our government is based on today. I've struggled, and continue to struggle, with the idea of humanities inherent goodness. I want desperatly to believe in that goodness, that we all have the best for each other at heart. I see people go and join the Peace Corp, people give blood, people donated millions of dollars to the people of the gulf coast after Katriena, I watch shows like the miracle worker and Extreme Makeover: home edition. I see them and think that there is hope for humanity, that maybe we are good at heart, but then I see the news, or I watch the history channel. I hear about the things like the Holocaust and how nations simple turned there backs on the slaughter of innocents and refused to acknowlegde it was even happening. We shake our heads in wonder and discussed at ancient Romans who sat in the colosium, yet we delight in watching horor movies where people are ripped to shredds for pure enjoyment. I see this and I wonder if Calvin wasn't write with his total depravity.

Before this get any longer, I'm going to stop. I don't answers. I'm not even close, but I needed to get this out. I'm going to start writing again on other things. I've taken enough time off, and my head its starting to hurt. If I don't empty it soon it may pop, and everyone knows how much I hate to clean. So I'm back...for better or for worse, I'm back.
A.T.H.

The Meaning of Goodbye

2006-02-28T15:40:00.000-05:00

Today, I left campus for the last time. No longer can I consider myself a student. No longer can I consider myself a member of that society. Eight months ago I graduated, a few hours ago I said goodbye. I walked campus for the last time, seeing faces of friends, seeing the things that came to make it my home over the course of five years. I saw them, but for the first time I saw them as a stranger, an intruder, no longer welcome in their presence. I’ve moved on, they’ve moved on, and while we are friends and intend to remain so the course the course of time with which we had to impact each other’s lives is ended. We will each go our separate ways now, some to marriage, some to singleness, some to academia, some to notoriety, some to obscurity (though only to the world not immediately around them), some to the country, some to the city, some to were ever their foot falls take them, all of us to excellence, and none to mediocrity. We have been blessed to know each other, and while for a time we must part I believe that our own separate journeys will never take us far from one another. We all travel the same road, we all seek the same goal, but for now we’ve come to a fork in the path and are forced to part. There may come a day when our paths will cross again, but more likely our paths will run ever in parallel. We’ll watch with interest from a distance as each of us runs the course set a head of us, shouting encouragements, over the miles that separate us.
I hate goodbye. I won’t say it if I can get around it, attempting to use cleaver little euphemisms to curb the heartache. I hate goodbye. It’s an eternal truth set in my heart by the one who formed me with his hands. In my mind it’s always had the solemn finality of death attached to it, and while I don’t fear my own death I do fear the separation that it represents, a leave taking never to be reversed. My greatest fear is to be alone, truly and utterly alone. To feel, even for a moment, the separation that my Savior felt as he hung on the cross would be little less than hell. Others are my drive, my reason, my purpose for pursuing ministry. The joy on the face of the worshiper is what lead me to college, it’s what I long to see, it’s God personal gift to me, and it is what will take me across the oceans, into the churches, to graduate school and beyond. But because of this, I will always face goodbye. I will always face times were I must leave those I’ve grown to love, and dance around saying goodbye. So goodbye will remain my enemy and my ever-constant companion.
But maybe, just maybe we can chance fate, and turn goodbye into something less permanent. Maybe we can change the meaning of goodbye, not the death of something but more simply the change of it. The formation of relationship to accommodate time and space; it won’t be the same, nothing ever stays the same we must grow or we must die there is no other choice, but it will be something new and exciting. Just maybe, the end won’t be what we thought it would be, but turning and finding that it is but the beginning of something greater than we ever imagined it would be.
For now I raise my glass and propose a toast to all my friends and readers. Fill the glass with what you will be it smooth or sharp, strong or weak, caffeinated or not, but raise them all the same. I give you the toast of the town, you my friends. You have seen me through both the dark and the light, and if I have to swim the oceans and turn the moon on its head to keep you it’s well worth the price. I have been given no greater, and while our relationship will enviably change, lets make sure that they change for the good. I wish you health, good fortune, blessings, answered prayers, and the deepest desires of you hearts. I will pray for you as you go out among the nations, each to his own allotment. Be what you are created to be, go where you are called to go, love like there is no tomorrow, and give like you have the world in your pocket. Go and bless others as you have blessed me, and if we ever meet again this side of the gates of splendor think not of what was, but what is and what will be, but until then keep in touch, I’ll be here if you need me. I love you all.
A.T.H.

After a brief intermission...

2006-02-19T14:18:00.000-05:00

I'm taking a hiatus from blogging for a couple of weeks. Several reasons really, some personal and some selfish. My journey into a study of atheism has raised questions I don't necessarily want to ask here. I'm not about to become an atheist, but what I've read has made me seriously question why I believe what I believe. I need to spend some serious time in the Bible and with God. Faith is truly a burden, but it is one I carry gladly. I need time to assimilate what I'm feeling as well, both with my feelings and thoughts on atheism, and agnosticism for that matter, as well as emotions that have bubbled to the surface again. I'll be back in a few weeks, hopefully with something enlightening to say. Anyway, my touring schedule is taking me to the IWU campus this upcoming weekend. I’ll be performing live starting Friday at 2pm. I’ll be there thru Monday night and will be returning to my regular venues in NYC Tuesday afternoon. There are two shows nightly; there’ll be a $10 cover and a two-drink minimum for each performance. So come check it out.
A.T.H.

It just hurts, ok...

2006-02-16T00:08:00.000-05:00

I need a back rub.

I have nothing witty, nothing sarcastic, not even anything cynical, which after kids choir today is amazing, no philosophy, no theology, no nothing.

My back hurts, and I want someone to rub it.

VD...I'd rather have a rash

2006-02-14T14:08:00.000-05:00

I'm trying to ignore the day all together, and since I'm not on the IWU campus it's pretty freakin' easy, but my brother, coming from the same sarcastic stock as the rest of my family, either found or created an away message that I thought fit to share with everyone else:
Contrary to popular belief, St. Valintine was created by none other then the great great great great grandfather of the founder of Hallmark. This man also invented the easter bunny and santa clause.
Also, contrary to belief is cupid's arrows. When you get hit by one of them, you actually have about 5 minutes to live. why? its a fricking arrow!!!!!! There's nothing magical about it. Besides, any guy that looks like cupid has to be gay.
I love my family. Anyway, wear black to day to support Singles Awareness Day, and to help stop the spread of VD.
A.T.H.

Bittersweet...

2006-02-09T12:04:00.000-05:00

There's a link of to the right, under the title "oh the places you'll go." Despair.com, while not my all time favorite web site it does cater to my darkside. I enjoy my darkside, and that is where my more sarcastic, even cynical humor comes from, not that any of that ever gets displayed on this site. Anyway, the month being what it is I thought I'd share my favorite product from despair.com I think you agree with me that these are perfect for the up coming holiday. They come with two sets of messages, "Dejected" and "Dysfunctional." Here's what they have to say about them:

"Truly, "BitterSweets(tm)" are the perfect gift for you OR for someone you love, especially if that special someone is one who doesn't want to hurt your feelings but just doesn't feel that way about you but still wants to be friends so they can torment you with stories about their crushes on someone who doesn't appreciate them like you do, can't love them like you can, and actually takes pleasure in corralling a herd of fawning "just friends" behind themselves as they indulge in one self-destructive relationship after another, with no hope of ever finding true love, despite an army of souls eager to lavish it upon them.

(You know what we're talking about.)

Supplies are limited. But the pain that accompanies them may not be.

Available in six different flavors, including: Banana Chalk, Grape Dust, Nappy-Citric, You-Call-This-Lime?, Pink Sand and Fossilized Antacid."

This sounds ackwardly familer...If you'd like to check them out:http://www.despair.com/demotivators/bittersweets.html That should get you there. They have a plethora of other products to suit you darker side. Now if only I had someone to send them too.
A.T.H.

No more Faith...

2006-02-07T12:38:00.000-05:00

If you've ever wondered what you truly want in your life, you'll understand my thoughts. I don't know what everyone else wants but this is want I want, love. Not romantic love, per say, but true love for God and those around me. I've been thinking a lot lately about what I believe to be true and what reasons I have for believing them. It occurred to me that I believe in things that no scientist or philosopher could ever prove to be true. I believe in a almighty, omniscient, omnipresent Being who transcends both time and space. A being so righteous that by entering his presence I would die. I can't even look in his direction without being changed or destroyed. I believe that He created not only this world, but also the universe that it is suspended in. He did this using nothing, ex nihilo, completely against the rules of science. Yet I believe all of this. I believe against all scientific precepts. I can’t observe God; I can’t scientifically, rationally, or logically prove that God exists. Yet I believe. We call it faith. I hate it but that’s what it is. Faith. I really don’t like faith. Faith is hard and it forces you to look like an idiot. Now everyone knows that I am an idiot, that’s no secret, but I at least like to make a good front. Faith makes me feel hung out to dry. Hope really isn’t any better. Hope is expecting something to happen in the future. I found this in one dictionary, “The theological virtue defined as the desire and search for a future good, difficult but not impossible to attain with God's help.” So in essence hope is the irrational expectation of future. I know that’s a bit cynical, but seriously, what better definition is there? Which leaves me with love. The best definition that I know of for love is simply this, “to thrive on; need.” Paul wrote to the Corinthian church,
“Love never fails. But where there are prophecies, they will cease; where there are tongues, they will be stilled; where there is knowledge, it will pass away. For we know in part and we prophesy in part, but when perfection comes, the imperfect disappears. When I was a child, I talked like a child, I thought like a child, I reasoned like a child. When I became a man, I put childish ways behind me. Now we see but a poor reflection as in a mirror; then we shall see face to face. Now I know in part; then I shall know fully, even as I am fully known.
And now these three remain: faith, hope and love. But the greatest of these is love.”
I don’t often share my favorite song with people because it requires so much explanation, and I normally just don’t want to bother with it, but here it is. “No More Faith” by Andrew Peterson, followed quickly by his song “Let Me Sing.” Both songs show what I feel at my heart, complacency, with the want of action, darkness being burned away in the light, victory in failure, utter awe at what was done for me, doubt with a driving desire to believe. I want to share the lyrics with you, so maybe you’ll understand.

“No more Faith” Andrew Peterson
This is not another song about the Mountains
Except about how hard they are to move.
Have you ever stood before them,
Like a mustard seed that’s waiting for some proof?

I say faith is a berden
It’s a weight to bare
It’s brave and bitter sweet
And hope is hard to hold to
Lord I believe
Only help my unbelief

Till there’s no more faith
No more hope
I’ll see you face and Lord I’ll know
That lonely love remains

Have you ever heard that Jesus is the answer?
And thought about the mean doubts you hide
Have you wondered how he loves you
If he really knows how dark you are inside

I say faith is a burden
It’s a weight to bare
It’s brave and bitter sweet
And hope is hard to hold to
Lord I believe
Only help my unbelief

Till there’s no more faith
No more hope
I’ll see you face and Lord I’ll know
That lonely love remains

So I will drive these road
In thunder and in rain
And I will sing your songs
At the top of my lungs
And I will praise you Lord
In glory and in pain
And I will follow you till this race is run
And I will drive these roads
Till this motor won’t run
And I will sing your song
From sea to shining sea
And I will Praise you Lord
Till you Kingdom come
And I will follow where you lead

I say faith is a burdon
It’s a weight to bare
It’s brave and bitter sweet
And hope is hard to hold to
Lord I believe
Only help my unbelief

Till there’s no more faith
No more hope
I’ll see you face and Lord I’ll know
There’s no more faith
There’s no more hope
I’ll sing your praise and let them go
There’s only love,
only love
That’s what I want, I don’t want faith, and I don’t want hope. Only love.
A.T.H.

Let me Sing...

2006-02-07T12:36:00.000-05:00

"Let me Sing" Andrew Peterson

I wanna open up my eyes
and see a more beautiful world
Let the hand of God almighty
sweep his colors through my life
I wanna hold tight to the laughter
and ride it like a child
on the winds that billow joyful through the sky
I wanna open up my heart
but you know sometimes it hard to find
cause I've buried it beneath the selfishness
That I've hidden behind
I wanna stand my ground unshaken
I wanna tremble when I kneel
and let my song remain un broken through the tears

So let me sing for the love
Let me love for the lost
let me lose all I have
for what I found on the cross
let me trust you with my life
let me live to give you praise
let me praise you by which I'm saved
Lord, let me sing

I wanna open up you word
and let the thirsty enter in
so they can drink deep of the water
that you’ve given to them
I wanna run the race with vigor
I wanna fight the fight with strength
And let my song rise from a whisper to a scream

I wanna open up my arms
And embrace that old rugged cross
I wanna take pride in the reason
And be humbled by the cost
And when this lisping stammering tongue
Lies silent in the grave
In a nobler sweeter song I’ll sing your praise
I’ll sing your praise

So let me sing for the love
Let me love for the lost
let me lose all I have
for what I found on the cross
let me trust you with my life
let me live to give you praise
Lord, let me praise you by which I'm saved
Lord, let me sing
Lord, let me sing

February sucks...

2006-02-02T13:15:00.000-05:00

I'm not kidding. I don't like february. I have a plethora of reasons as to why I don't like this particular month, and if you will permite me (as if you could stop me) I'll gladly share them with you know.
First, the month just sounds stupid. No one pronounces it correctly, including myself. We all go around saying its "febuary," when it's actually "febRUary." No one has enough respect for this particular month to even pronounce is correctly. Personally I'm glad we don't. I've tried to pronouce it correctly and it just makes you sound like you have a studdering version of terets. Which in it's own way would be alittle fun if it wern't so horrible.
Second, it’s cold, dreary, gray, windy, and completely unpleasant…All – The – Time. Even January has a few days when the sun’s out, and it feels half warm. At least in January it snows. In February it seems like the abominable snowman, from here forward to be know as the Yeti, knocked you down and took a big gray dump on your face. Interestingly enough the Yeti enjoys this; it’s almost a sport to him. A big beast covered with fur, sounds like Surfer Curt. In any case, February is just an unpleasant that lacks, decent weather. If it snowed through February things would be different, you could ski or snowboard, you could work on doing donuts in the church parking lot, you could spend more time pegging people with snowballs. Anything, other than stare at the cold, gray, useless dead ground around you.
Third, as if to add insult to injury some idiot placed Valentine’s Day, from here forward known as V.D., right smack dab in the middle of this crap bucket of a month. V.D., as every civilized person knows, is no more than an excuse to remind people not unlike myself that we’ve got something we really don’t want. Now let me make it perfectly clear, I enjoy being single, I just don’t want to be reminded of it every year in the middle of the dead of winter when everything looks dead. The symbolism is truly perfect. For those of you planning to share your V.D. this year with someone else, please, for everyone sake, give him or her the chance to refuse. The only thing worse than having to endure V.D. alone is having it forced on you by a well-meaning friend. I am thankful that I will not be at IWU this year. It always seemed to me that V.D. was a mandatory thing, and that it started to spread through campus a month before, infecting us with an itch to find that special someone to share V.D. with. Let’s face it; there really isn’t anything good about V.D.
Finally, of all the reasons I dislike the month of February my greatest reason steams from my heritage. I’m not quiet about being from Pennsylvania; it’s part of my introduction. It truly is the one of the greatest places on Earth. We’ve got farm land, we’ve got rolling hill, we’ve got endless stretches of undisturbed forest, we’ve got majestic mountains shrouded in mist, we’ve got great football, we’ve got cities and culture. In fact we have two cultures in PA. We’ve got a modified East Coast culture on my side of the mountains, and we’ve got a mountain culture a people of the wilderness who are pleasant if a bit redneckish. But of all of this I am ashamed to admit that every February 2nd in a town called Punxsutawney in Western Pa, we completely embarrass ourselves. Since 1887, the small town of Punxsutawney, yes it really exists, has been pulling a sleepy fat rat thing we call a groundhog out of it’s hole just so it can “see” it’s shadow and be forced back into it’s hole. Why? So we can say that there will be 6 more weeks of winter. Apparently this started in Europe as a holiday called Candlemas; except the animal was a hedgehog, a smaller spiny rat-like creature. When the Pilgrims came over they couldn’t find any hedgehogs so they drug the fat thing that kept eating their vegetables out of its hole instead. There’s even a movie based around day, call “Groundhog Day” of course, staring Bill Murray. This kind of puts a hole in my theory that a bunch of drunk guys decided to pull one of the rats from their holes on cold February morning and everyone was entertained enough that they didn’t again the next year…only sober. To my everlasting shame I was asked if Groundhog Day was real, when I was in New Zealand. I never thought that I would be asked about it, but there I was sitting at the table explaining the legend to the kind old lady.
So there they are, four of my most prominent reasons for disliking February. I hope I was able to supply a bit of a laugh for you.

A.T.H.

Questions

2006-01-31T01:25:00.000-05:00

What does it mean for my faith if a planet is found with life on it. Is my God big enough for two worlds? What if it's true and they've never heard of Christ? Am I suddenly worried over nothing?

A french man commenting on america said that said that the state of the church has changed since the days of Tocqueville. I would imagine that it has, but what does that mean? He said he visited the great churches of america, names like willow creek and saddleback. He called my God, buddy buddy after a fashion. A great friend to the people. This man seemed un effected by this friendly god. Is that who I worship? Do I pray to my friend, and nothing more? Is that who I truly represent? Is this a bad thing, or has something been lost in translation?

Rick Warren, is obviously a Calvinist. Not that I care, but the facts are facts. Is there truly a reason for everything, or is that just more wishful thinking. Doors open and doors close, are they just euphemisms for having to do something we didn’t want to do in the first place. Does it really matter in the long run whether I chose or I was chosen? Will I ever really know? Are there some things in that are just meant to be? Was I really the one who was supposed to sing that song on Sunday, praying through the service that I wouldn’t be me that they would see? Or was it just a fluke, did Tim just get sick at the last minuet?

What is the point of doing something to please someone else it you feel you are just wasting your time? What is the point of talent? Why practice when it’s all just going to come out anyway? What does the effort prove? Why does not practicing the worship music bother me? Is it truly better to just not do something you don’t have your heart in, or should you plug through it just because that’s what everyone else wants? What’s the point if your hearts not in it, especially as the leader.

I don’t want to lose my voice students. I like teaching them, and the income is nice too.

Why is there nothing so infuriating as when a child lies to you, straight faced? What makes them do it? Is it learned, is it taught? Are we truly born so deprived that we lie and think of nothing other than ourselves from day one? Is the wrong inbreed and right a learned response? Must the leash be kept so short, that we can’t be trusted to stay within the boundaries? Why did I get so angry at that?

I’m so tired of wanting to be in love. I don’t want to try. I don’t want to care. I don’t want to be jealous of my friends. I don’t want to listen to another person complain because they’ve not found the one they’re looking for. I don’t want my mom to talk about me being married and having kids. I tired of the world treating love like a game. I’m tired of wanting to be content. I’m tired of what the world has made it out to be. I hate the lizards on our shoulders. I’m tired of worrying about my friends, and I’m tired of not hearing from them.

Why, if everything were pre-ordained, would God allow a child to have leukemia? Why were pain, sickness, and death needed to create a more perfect world? Sometimes I think that if we allowed God one mistake, things could be explain a lot easier.

Faith, Hope, Love…Sometimes I think God asks too much…and every time I do, I’m ashamed to admit it.

Terence said, “Quot Homines Tot Sententiae.” Voltaire said to “judge a man by his question rather than by his answers.” Einstein says, “The important this is not to stop questioning.” Christ said, “Seek and you will find, Ask and it will be given to you, knock and the door will open.”

So I ask.

A.T.H.

Kind of...

2006-01-23T16:59:00.000-05:00

I'm not feeling so hot right now...Kind of lonely...Kind of sad...Kind of depressed...Kind of anxious...
It's hard to explain, when you don't understand yourself. I...am without words...
A.T.H.

love...actually

2006-01-18T18:15:00.000-05:00

This is the message you heard from the beginning: We should love one another. Do not be like Cain, who belonged to the evil one and murdered his brother. And why did he murder him? Because his own actions were evil and his brother’s where righteous. Do not be surprised, my brothers, if the world hates you. We know that we have passed from death to life, because we love our brothers. Anyone who does not love remains in death. Anyone who hates his brother is a murderer, and you know that no murderer has eternal life in him.
This is how we know what love is: Jesus Christ laid down his life for us. And we ought to lay down our lives for our brothers. If anyone has material possessions and sees his brother in need but has no pity on him, how can the love of God be in him? Dear children, let us not love with words or tongue but with actions and in truth. This then is how we know that we belong to the truth, and how we set our hearts at rest in his presence whenever our hearts condemn us. For God is greater than our hearts, and He knows everything.
Dear friends, if our hearts do not condemn us, we have confidence before God and receive from him anything we ask, because we obey his commands and do what pleases him. And this is His command: to believe in the name of his Son, Jesus Christ, and to love one another as He commanded us. Those who obey his commands live in Him, and he in them. And this is how we know that He lives in us: We know it by the spirit He gave us…
Dear Friends, let us love one another, for love comes from God. Everyone who loves has been born of God and knows God. Whoever does not love does not know God, because God is love. This is how God showed his love among us: He sent his one and only Son into the World that we might live through him. This is love: NOT that we loved God, but that He loved us and sent his Son as an atoning sacrifice for our sins. Dear friends, since God so loved us, we also ought to love one another. No one has ever seen God; but if we love one another, God lives in us and his love is made complete in us.

No, these words are not mine. John penned them almost two millennia ago. We sometimes get caught in between the words here. We believe that there is so much we have to do to keep God’s love. Even if we don’t think of it that way, I think subconsciously we’ve convinced ourselves that we have some great part in all of this. It says that we can have “confidence before God and receive from him anything we ask.” All he asks in return is for us to obey His commands. We’re even told what that command is, “believe in the name of His Son, and to love one another.” That’s it. It’s that simple. But why then is it so hard for us to love? We talk about loving God and loving others, but we so often fail. I so often fail, maybe your better at this than I am, I don’t know, but I know that I fail. I read that next part. I read how God loved us before we could ever truly love Him back. I read the price of my life, not my sins. The price for my sins was my death, but the price for my life was greater. The price for my life cost someone else his life. It cost someone else his son. And all that person wants from me is for me to love him? Humanity reels at the idea that what cost someone else so much, would cost us any less, but to be honest I don’t understand that either. We’re such a consumer driving people, we want something but we don’t want it to cost and arm and a leg. I get angry because I have to pay 2.50 for a gallon of gas and am sure I’m being cheated. So why isn’t that we haven’t caught on to the bargain of the ages? Is it possible that we realize with realizing it that love, true love, not the adulterated idea of love known as romance, but the word, the action, the feeling that breathed life into the world, that shaped and molded it, isn’t – really – free. That for us to love Him back would mean that we were sorry for things that hurt him, for killing his son, that we’d have to give up our plans and follow His, that we’d have to say we were wrong, that we should have pulled over and asked for directions years ago, but were too stubborn to do it, that we actually like worrying about our live because then when it all goes to pot, we know who to blame it on, or at least can think of a way to blame it on someone else. That’s why we don’t want to love those around us…because if we love them, we love Him. And that is harder than it seems to be. I can still hear him say it, “come to me, my yoke is easy, and my burden light.” All you have to do is love. All you have to do is be who you never knew you could be. The funny thing is, all He wants to do is make us what we were. We’ve forgotten what it’s like to be like Him, to walk with him, to look into his eyes, to simply be with him. We’re the ones who are broken. I don’t have much of a point to this; I do, but I don’t. I’ve read over this passage at least twice a day since Sunday, and this is what I have. Nothing. Questions without answers, answers without questions, and underneath it all a desire to do nothing but live this out. I want so much to be worthy of the price, to know in my heart that it’s not in vain. Maybe God’s love is something I can’t understand. Maybe love is something I can’t understand. Maybe that’s why we make such a mess of it; distort it until its something it was never meant to be, a lizard on your shoulder that really should be a white stallion. I’m just wrestling with things here so if your confused…just go on about your life like you would. Ignore the ramblings of a young, professionally confused, bohemian, who’s got a knack for music.
A.T.H.

I...ahh...riiight...

2006-01-12T21:20:00.000-05:00

I feel like a circus clown. Not the Ringling Brothers one that gets his head stuck in a horses butt. The cirque du soleil one that comes out with the sad music and the blue and gray color scheme and everyone feels bad for, but then the magic fairy women comes out and spins on a string around him making him dizzy and then there is happy music and everything looks fruity again and the clown is dragged off stage because his brain hemorrhaged from the sudden shift in music and color scheme. I feel like that clown.
A.T.H.

Frustrated is an easy word

2006-01-09T13:44:00.000-05:00

Frustrated would be the closest thing to explaining what I feel like right now. That point where anger and confusion collide, when there are no easy answers and dwelling on what is happening is simply not helping any more. Unfortunately, I'm all too accustomed to this feeling. I've spent most of the last 5 days wondering why I'm here. Not the grand philosophical question, you know ultimate question that has an answer of 42, but a smaller, minute version of the question that grates on all of us from time to time. Here being Connecticut, why am I here? I'm not sure how much I want to say on this matter, but I'm not sure that this internship is all it was cracked up to be. There are times when I feel that I'm doing a lot, and I really have enjoyed the...majority of my time here. Meeting a new part of the body is always exciting for me and always worth my time, yet I can't help but feel that I'm not the correct person for this internship. As a vocalist, it’s not been worth it. As a chorister is been fun, at times enlightening, and at the very least interesting. As a conductor, again sadly it’s not been worth it. As a worship leader, it's been interesting simply because I'm no longer immersed in the not quite, yet so close, post-modern worship at IWU. Here Hymns are still very much the order of the day on every Sunday, with a small homage given to "modern" praise songs right before the sermon. I'm sometimes left with a dry feeling in my mouth, wishing that we'd simply not do the "praise chorus." They don't quite feel thrown in at the last minute, I believe that they're appreciated, but they just don't seem to fit. There's to much of a contrast going from a classical prelude that was played either by the pipe organ, the occasional brass quintet (Broadway caliber), or possibly the bell choir, the organ/brass accompanied hymns, the full choral anthem and the two or three small praise chorus that we rush through on a Sunday morning. I'm all for blending a service. I love the brass, I like the organ, I love the hymns, but this time I could do with out the attempt at the modern choruses.
I'm half way through this internship and while I would go as far to say that I wish I hadn't taken it, I do wish I were more involved. I majored church music not interior design. That's not a knock on anyone who has; it’s just that I seem to be doing more of that than actual church music. There is still the kid’s choir, which starts up again on Wednesday, and the Middle School Choir that is slowly getting off the ground. Those have both been good experiences so far and hopefully will stay that way. They've of course not been without they're frustrating moments, but that's to be expected. I guess in a way it's all to be expected. There's only one constant when your working with people and that is change. So I’ll be happy with all the changes, surprises, accidental mishaps, blatant pass-overs, annoyances, frustrations, and even the fact that I’m moving…again, because whether or not I think I’m learning something, I still am, and that in the end will make it all worth it.
A.T.H.

Ummm...pie

2006-01-01T11:40:00.000-05:00

You Are Apple Pie

You're the perfect combo of comforting and traditional Those who like you crave security

What Kind of Pie Are You?

Merry Christmas

2005-12-24T23:30:00.000-05:00

I would just like to wish all of my friends across the globe a merry Christmas...may the day be bright and joyful for you all.
A.T.H.

What to write and what to read...

2005-12-21T19:21:00.000-05:00

I’ve been at a loss lately as to what to write here. I thought long and hard about writing about the things that really tee me off this time of year, but being that it is Advent, and I really would rather be happy about all of this I’ll refrain. It would have been a hilarious post, and maybe once we’re into the New Year I’ll come back to it. I’ve been busy lately as well. Christmas is a very buys season in the church, and so I’ve been running around making sure everything gets done like it should. I’ve glad I got into the city last week and have no really reason to go back in this week, seeing that the transit workers are on strike. I’d say something about that, but instead I’ll say Happy holidays and I’m glad it’s not me. Ok, one thing that really bother’s me right now and then I’ll move on. There are several retail store being boycotted, or suited right now. Why, you might ask? Because, well meaning Evangelicals have thought it necessary to do so that’s why. I guess we don’t have enough to keep ourselves busy with at the moment, it being Christmas and all, that we need to boycott SECULAR establishments about not putting the word “Christmas” into their add. I know it says in Revelation that every knee will bow and every tongue confess, but I don't think it was talking about Walmart and their not putting the Christmas into the add campaign. I think we've gotten off the path here and ventured into idiocy. Now if a church did somthing like that I'd be upset, but the last I checked Walmart doesn't sell morals with the mac and cheese, and target did put Jesus on any of there Fall fashions. Come on guys, give it a rest. Lets remember who we are, we're not militant we're penitent, or at least we should be. There I said it.
The real reason I'm writing this because I've decided to create a reading list for myself for the next year, or at least the next 6 months. I've been book shoping along with my christmas shoping and have a few titles already but could use some tips on what to look for. So...Those of you who read, and I know who you are, give me somethings to look for. I'm up for anything, fiction and non-fiction, Classics, contemporary, Philosophy, Religion, Music, really almost anything. So speak up, tell me what your favorite book is, and I'll if I can add it to my list. Give me your top ten, anything you want. Thanks everybody.
A.T.H.

The traditional holiday...

2005-12-02T16:07:00.000-05:00

I was listening to NPR the other day, at least I think that's what it was. The women was interviewing several authors about books that I'm assuming have published recently. In the last interview that I listened to seemed to be based around a statement that the author made that basically went like this..."I love my family but the holidays are like an episode of survivor." What this particular person was saying was that the family was basically waiting for someone to mess with tradition. The first person to do that was then ostrasized. Personally it sounded like any number of made for T.V. Christmas movies that you might see this time of year. From there the conversation became about traditions and there place in the family and holidays. They talked about the importance of the traditions and why it seemed to many a mortal sin to break with tradition and do something totally to the contrary. They blatently asked the question, "Why are the traditions so important in the first place?" They really couldn't answer it that satisfactorally. They tried to say the normal thing that it wasn't the traditions that made the holidays, but once they did it left the Holidays very open and formless. The problem is that once you strip away your traditions for the holiday, your left with nothing socially. That's the problem with Social holidays, which is what they were avocating here. Seriously, think about it. Memorial Day for instance, what do you do on Memorial day? There's a parade, a family picinic, a baseball/softball game (if your into that), there's a patriotic service or speach at the local Cemetery, but to be honest that all there really is. If you take all of that away what do you have? Thanksgiving is the same way, it's the things that you do on the last thursday of November that make it thanksgiving. It's the Macy's Parade, it the family laughing loudly around the turkey. We atempt to sanctify the day by asking each other what we are thankful for this year and we smile sweetly at the child who spouts out "Jesus." It's the tradition that makes a Social holiday what it is. Can the same be said about Christmas? This was the particular holiday that these two women where talking about. There are so many traditions surrounding christmas, both old and new.

I "talked" my family in to getting a Christmas tree the day after thanksgiving this year. I only had to tell my Mom and Dad that I was working Christmas day and that I wouldn't be back before then, so it was difficult at all. But this was a break from tradition for us. We always go out as a family to pick our tree. Mom gives it the hug test to make sure it's big enough and yet not too big, Dad scouts around looking for trees that are tall enough and don't have holes in them, and Matt and I cut it down and drag it out. This year mom had to work and so did matt, so Dad and I went out and found our tree. We all still beamed at this because we all got to decorate it. But it was this that makes christmas for us. A lot of Christmas traditions will be broken this year in the Combs house hold, and while we don't like it, we don't have much of a choice either. Both Mom and myself are working, and I'll have to drive for about 4 hours before I get there. No presents Christmas morning, no family Christmas eve service. So are they right? Will my family break apart because of this? Will I be ostrasized for not showing up until 4 or 5 in the afternoon?

You know...Dr. Suss was right. If you remember, this great mogul of American Lit. once wrote a story by the name of "How the Grinch Stole Christmas." If you've not read it...get up right now, go find it, and take five minutes out of your day and read it. Don't go get the Jim Carey movie, read it. If you really want to watch it, there is a cartoon version that is on T.V. ever year, watch that one. Anyway, for those of us who are normal, and know this story like we know our own names, you'll remember that at the end of the story the Grinch has all the Christmas trees, all the Who toys, the rare Who-roast-beast, and even the last can of Who-hash! But there perched of the pinnacle of Mount Crumpit, the Grinch heard somthing he had not expected to hear.
"Every Who down in Who-ville, the tall and the small,
Was singing! Without any presents at all!
He HADN'T stopped Christmas from coming!
IT CAME!
Somehow or other, it came just the same!"
The Grinch of course has a change of heart, the Who's welcome him, and even let him carve the roast beast. (small sniffel) Even though Dr. Suss never meantions what more there could possibly be to Christmas than the traditions we set up around it, he does acknowledge that there is more. Nothing can change the fact that Christmas is a true "holy day." While they give it their best shot, no tradition can replace the true reason for Christmas. That a Child was born, that Angles sang, that time was split, and our lives forever changed. God's Reconciliation come to earth. So...I sit here and listen to the Trans-Siberian Orchestra wail out there version of christmas music. I'm thinking about how different this christmas will be, but I remember that the message is the same everywhere you go. In Connecticut, Christ came. In Pennsylvania, Christ came. In Tennesee, Christ came. In Japan, Christ came. In Indiana, Christ came. In California, Christ came. In Canada, Christ came. In Europe, Christ came. In Baghdad, Christ came. "Hark! The herald angels sing, "Glory to the newborn King. Peace on earth, and mercy mild. God and sinners reconciled!" Joyful, all ye nation, rise. Join the triumph of the skies; With the angelic host proclaim "Christ is born in Behtlehem!" Hark! The herald angels sing, "Glory to the newborn King!"
A.T.H.

Somthing in my pocket

2005-11-30T13:22:00.000-05:00

I have somthing in my pocket. I bought it to remind me that no matter where I am or what I am doing I am always the same. I bought it to remind me that I am a man, a tool of God, shaped with purpose. Useful both in the earthy work of everyday mundain labor and the intricate motion of art. Hard and fast, pounded out in the heat, shaped and reshaped, broken and forged anew. I feel its weight and know my burden, to live.
Thoreau says in his Book Walden, "I went to the woods becasue I wished to live deliberately, to front only the essential facts of life, and see if I could not learn what it had to teach, and not, when I came to die, discover that I had not lived." I've always loved thoreau. Many think of his time at Walden pond as an escape from humanity, to better understand nature, to be the original hippy, but Thoreau went into the woolds and found himself, moreso he found what he needed. I went into the woods in search of a prize, a four legged one to be exact. I didn't find what I was looking for, but I did find somthing I had lost. You see hunting is in my family, the woods are in my blood. Think what you may of hunting, because I really don't care. Be you a animal rights activist or the President of the NRA. I go hunting because I enjoy nature, because I like seeing the animals more than I like shoting at them, because it's the only thing that my Dad and I truly and exclusively share. I go into the woods because that is where my Father has lead me there.
So I went into the woods before the thought about being up on monday morning. As the day streached on, I found myself regaining somthing lost. I found in again in me a sense of hushed excitement. My heart raced as I loaded my rifle, not at the thought of shooting it, but that it might go off. I thought of the power I held in my hands, cold forged steel, rough wood. I felt it's weight. In my hands was a marvel of human ingenuity, each peice thought over, scretinized and finally put together. But as it came light the thought came across my mind, "you aren't seriously thinking about killing somthing today?" I struggled with that question as dawn broke, I wondered if I could aim and pull the trigger. I wondered if I could do what was necessary. What kind of Christian would I be if I killed one of God's creatures? The boy screamed at me not wanting to feel that guilt. That moment never came, sitting under my tree I never saw anything.
Later that evening, before I left to go back to work I got a chance to talk to my dad. We were both disapointed, neither of us saw anything that day. But in my dad's eyes I saw the same disapointment that I felt in my heart. We both felt as if we had let each other down. Dad had failed in putting me in the right spot to see the deer, and I had failed my dad by not shooting at anything. You see this is my first hunt in five years. Before that I was never lucky enough to see anything, and now five years later I'd failed agian. Dad has been waiting for that day, when he can stand proudly and snap a picture of my and my first buck. But we didn't talk about it, but we both knew. We had failed. The feelings of power were still there, but fail loomed.
It wasn't untill I was a hundred miles away, driving down I-80 in my car, that I relived any of this. I cried a little thinking about my dad, how I wasn't sure if I would ever get to hunt with him again. How he must see this, trying to pass down skills that he learned from his dad. I thought of the rite of passage that we were both waiting for me to take, yet relizing that I had already step beyond it. I thought of the voice in my head that morning that tried so desperatly to keep me from what I wanted, telling me that it wasn't christian, that it wasn't moral. And now it spoke again, as it sensed my failure. "You couldn't do it if you had the chance. Your not man enough." The boy sneered at me. So I looked him in the eyes. I remembered my Dads smile, saying that he was proud of me. I remembered the feeling of holding the gun in my hands both fully of knowing how to use it and willing. I remembered my reason for going out, to simply spend time with my dad. The boy shrank away. The boy doesn't understand the gentleness of a man. He cannot comprehend the ability to possess power in raw untamed form and yet not useing it.
I woke up tuesday morning, uncomfortable being in a warm bed. I went to work, and was disapointed at not being challenged. I drove in traffic wishing I was in the woods. I thought that yesterday wasn't real, that it was exception to the rule. No one can hold power, no one can truly be a man. So I went to walmart. I picked up a few items, shampoo, deoderant, contact solution. I walked around for a while, not wanting to end the day in defeat, knowing that there was power to hold. But it wasn't in clothing, it wasn't in video games, it wasn't in food, it wasn't in tools. I walked until I came to the knives. On the wall there hung a folding knife, a little longer than my hand. I thought about the process that made it, the time, effort, ingenuity, patience, strength, and power. I picked it up, paid for it and walked out of the store.
Power doesn't come from the things that we have. Power comes from the one who fashioned us. It comes from the one who holds us. There is nothing special about the knife I carry in my pocket. It can't open itself, it can't hurt anything, it can't be disobediant. In it I see myself. I have no power except that which was given to be by my Craftsmen. I cut myself on it last night making sure it was sharp. It's a dangerous tool, just as I am a dangerous man. Dangerous not in the way that I'm armed and ready to kill, but I'm dangerous because I'm desperate. I have nothing to lose. Power has been placed in my hands, power to infulence the world around me. I have a knife in my pocket, because I am a dangerous man.

2005-11-28T18:36:00.000-05:00

2005-11-28T18:19:00.000-05:00

Ups and downs

2005-11-15T15:19:00.000-05:00

Life is full of ups and down. Anyone has live for more than three minutes out in the open knows this for a fact. And it starts right away, we can't get away from it. We start off warm and safe never feeling hungry, then all of a sudden we're squezed through a tiny whole we shouldn't be able to fit through and some guy we don't know holds upside down in the cold frigide air and discrase of all discrases, he smacks us on the crack. If that's not a clue to you that the rest of life may no me sunshine and roses I don't know what is.

My weekend was a veritable roller coaster. Friday was apprehensive with moving into a new house, again not a place of my own but it's not a bacement either. I really wasn't worried with all that, though. I don't like moving. I don't like packing everying up, and having to load and unload it. This is an oddity because I love to travel, I love new places and new people, yet I hate packing. You see when I start packing I start thinking of everything that I am leaving behind. Not necessarily the immediate things, but I remember my friends and family that I've left behind and won't be seeing in anytime soon. I remember all of the memories that I have, good and bad. I start feeling sentimental about the whole situation, which makes me wish I was somewhere else. It also makes me think about my future and who this is what I have to look forward to, not in a overly bad way though. I think about how I don't expect to have a home, and yesterday about how there's no one really to share that with. I like being single, but that is the one thing I've not been able to get over yet, the fact that when somthing good happens there no one at home to tell it too. After I get settled in this all goes away, of course. It just make for a rough couple of hours or how ever long I'm packing and moving.

Saturday on the other hand, was hillarious. I had decided that it had been too long since I had last been into NYC, so I made it a point to go. Kelly went with me and we had a blast. We walked around Wall st and checked out Trinity Church, which is an amazing Pre-Revalution building and Church yard. Alexander Hamilton is burried there, as well as a few other people influential to the beginnings of our country. We walked around Chinatown and had lunch/dinner at Joe's Shanghi, a great place for Dumplings. After that we walked through a lot of the shops looking for anything really. We did find a store that was selling china for cheap (tea pots, plates, bowls, really anthing you'd want), and we both vowed to come back. We went up to times square and walked to Rockefeller Center and watched people skate on the rink for a while. The tree was up, but not lit yet. We walked on almost to the park before we decided to turn around an come back to Times Square. We decided we'd head back to Connectiquet at this point, but realized we only had about 10 mins to catch our train. So, I suggested dessert. We went to Angelo's, an Italian resturant across the street from Carnegie Hall. I had the Tiramisue and kelly had cheesecake. We still had to rush back to Grand Central to catch our train, which we were just on time for. It was at this point the conductor came over the loud speaker and said that the metro-North New Haven Line was going to be delaied...about 15 mins. Even Better when we got to Stamford we were told that the train could go no further and that we could take busses to our stops. Kelly and I got shuffled onto a bus which took us to South Norwalk, which was past were we wanted to go. We had to hop a cab back to our station. I thought this was completly hillarious for some reason.

Sunday was normal, up at 6:30 and at the church by 7:30. I finally got to leave at about 1pm after cleaning up the sound equipment. I went to Sactuary, which has a Chaple feel for those from IWU (except for the fact that its good and I actually want to go). They had a dinner afterwards so I stayed for free food and got to meet some people there. I even found gas for 2.29 on the way back. I was excited. And then there was yesterday.

The day started out benignly enough, but after a while I started feeling aprehensive again. I've been checking out schools that I might want to apply to, but to this point havn't had time to make any real decisions. I noticed yesterday that many of the applications have to be in by the end of the month, or the beginning of December. I should add here that these schools arn't schools that I'm likely to get into. Eventhough I know this, and I put them up there simply to look at and use as reference, I started to freak out. I spent the rest of the day worrying about what I'm going to do next. My Low self-esteem managed to come back telling me that I'm an idiot for even thinking that I could do grad. school in the first place, let alone even be qualified for any of the jobs I was looking for. So by 4pm I felt like crap. I didn't know what I was meant to do anymore and I didn't care. I just wanted to go home to PA, curl up on my bed, and cry because I didn't have anyone to share my life with because no one would be stupid enough to take me. But I didn't...I went to McDonald's instead. I drove to Cove Island park, and sat in my car and watched the sunset as I ate. I wasn't sure of anything, but I knew that God had set somthing in motion that I could sit and watch and take my mind off of my worries. And as I sat there watching it get darker and darker the thought came across my mind that it didn't matter what I did next. My next decision wasn't going to ruin my life. I'm 24, single, willing to go almost anywhere and do almost anything. I heard the though come across my mind, "be faithful." Just be faithful. I was reminded one more time that my future isn't in my hands, and I was annoyed that I had suddenly in a fit of angst tried to snatch it back from the one who had it planed out before I gave it to him. The rest of the day was a bit more fun after that.

Life is full of ups and downs. But like I told Kelly last night on our way to Trumble and the High school choir practice, if we focus on one thing that goes wrong we start looking for the other things to go wrong. Everything in the right perspective can look like its backfired. We can CHOOSE to see the things are going right. We can CHOOSE to be positive. I've worried a lot in my past and it's not done me any good. I worried most of the day away yesterday, and I now I wish I hadn't. What did you choose to do yesterday? What did you choose to do to day? What are you worrying about right now?

the things I miss...and somthings I won't

2005-11-10T17:25:00.000-05:00

Kelly and I were talking yesterday, and we’ve both come to the same conclusion. We didn’t come to it right away, but we really just had to admit it to each other. We miss being at school. I know that this may come as a shock to some of you, especially to anyone who talked to me at all my last two years at college. I know that I made endless statements about leaving and never coming back, about not missing the place at all, but some thing’s changed. The past couple of days I’ve been a little lonely, missing my friends and professors, and while I didn’t out rightly wish that I were somewhere else, I was coming close to it. I actually admitted yesterday that I even miss been in class. No all of my classes mind you, but defiantly some of my classes. I miss getting together with people for coffee at McConn, or complaining about not having anything do with people who were as lazy as I was (Morty), I miss talking with Alison about any of the plethora of things that we would talk about, I miss shaking my head at something that Dan would say and wonder why I hadn’t thought of that (but suddenly remembering that I wouldn’t because I’m normal), I miss Jones complaining about things in the Box Office, I miss playing volleyball with Kinky, I miss making fun of things with Bryan. I miss singing in the Chorale; I miss “doing homework” with everyone else. I miss talking to Dave about life and the Bible, I miss Philosophy with Horst, and I miss Prof. and his crazy comments about anything. I miss being called Combs; I even miss being called Timmy…If you don’t know that’s too bad. I don’t want this to sound like I’m depressed or anything like that, trust me I’m not, I’ve just been missing things that I used to have at finger tips. I don’t feel that I squandered any of these, I feel sad that I had to leave them, but it was time to move on. I love the work that I’m doing right now and am extremely happy that God placed me were He did. The experiences that I’m gathering here are beyond compare. I’ve made friends since I’ve been here, there not quite the same yet. Mike and Frank are the youth guys here, about my age, and they’re a blast to hang out with. Kelly and ElisaBeth of course, and several others that I now call my friends. But still, yesterday I found myself longing for the things that were. No more than a simple statement of truth. I just felt slightly lonely and wondering if I can finagle a chance to get back on campus in the spring semester.
Oddly enough I picked up Blue Like Jazz again last night and turn to my next chapter, which turned out to be on romance, followed quickly by one entitled Alone. Of course this had me thinking right off the bat, and the deeper I got into the chapter the more engrossed in thought I became. Of course man was not meant to be alone, God says that almost from the beginning (Gen. 2:18). This doesn’t mean of course a wedding to the prescription for this, absolutely not, but more that we just should not be alone. I don’t know about anyone else, but when I had spent to much time in a practice room without talking to anyone all day my first urge was to go and talk to someone. I know Jones can’t go anymore than three minuets or so without exploding. It’s true that each of us is different in our own right and we each need different levels of social action to make us feel like we thing we should feel. Yankey like more, Alison likes less, Jones needs a constant audience, myself I need to have at least one really good deep conversation with someone other than myself a week or I start to get stir crazy. Donald Miller relates a story about a Park Ranger that he meet while out on the trail with some friends. The Ranger walked out of the darkness, obviously tired, starred into their campfire for a while before asking for their permits. It came to the attention of Miller that this man had been the only ranger in the park for the last two months, and unable to leave he simply had not seen anyone else in that amount of time. The Man was obviously lonely but when they tried to engage him he tired of the conversation quickly and walked off without saying anything at all. Miller suggests that the man had simply forgotten what it was like to be around people.
At the end of the chapter I found myself thinking about Hell of all things. We have these images of what we might thing that hell is, from the fiery description from the Book of Revelation to the icy description of Dante’s oddly named Inferno. I happen to believe that a truer description of Hell is one of complete separation from God. Miller says that if Love can be seen as a bit of Heaven on earth, a lose of self concern, then isolation is a bit of hell, and then to a certain degree we decide in which state we would like to live. When we isolate ourselves from other people the only person to become involved with is ourselves. We dive in deep and become so immersed that after a while feeling disappears and the only thing that matters is the self, because that is all that is left. The mind will turn itself inside out to find stimulation even if it has to create the stimulant itself, this maybe where we find our imaginary friends. But in this isolation we can find Hell. Not a communal pit of fiery desperation, but lonely, cold existence, from which we know there is know escape. It was interesting sequence of thoughts. Hell is one of those things that we don’t like to talk about. It frightens us, so we ignore it because we, as Christians, don’t have to deal with it, but what of the people who do. What of the friends we enjoy so much now, that we will lose forever in the eternal separation?
Just so I’m not ending on a somber note, I’ve had to write small Christmas narrative for Christmas Eve. I guess I didn’t have to write it, but I though it would be easier than trying to go out and find something that I would like. I actually finished it before I started writing this. I wanted it to be a funny version, something from the Shepherds perspective. I think it turned out well, though I have three different versions (very different versions). It was fun to write, and just be light hearted about the whole thing. So there, a happy note to end on.
A.T.H.

A hike and two free concerts

2005-11-07T13:57:00.000-05:00

This past weekend, not to mention this past week has gone by in quite a rush. Friday being the bla day that it was needed some spicing up, and since I had no desire to see a chic flick of any kind what so ever I had to do this on my own. I went to see Jarheads which is a decent movie and asked questions like, why is there war, what's the purpose, what makes a man, what defines me? Not the "war movie" that it was advertized as at all, but still good in its own right. After that I walked the streets of South Norwalk, SoNo. It's a rocking place on a friday/saturday night. Lots of clubs, live music, louges, and things like that. I was rather straped for cash so I didn't stay long, though there were a few Martine lounges there that piqued my interest. In anycase the evening ended with a book. Saturday was a rush to set up for the next morning, at least from my end. But then I took the rest fo the afternoon off. I drove to a state park out side of East Hadden, about a hour and a half away, call Devil's Hopyard. It had been a gorgeous day, and I had wanted to get out and go for a hike in the autumn air. This place was wonderful, complet with 6o ft water fall, and hiking trails. I even go a chance to climb just a little, when I got a little intepide and took off straight up the hill. It was a great day just to be outside and enjoy nature.
On Sunday, I woke up late. By the time I got over to church, the choir was practicing already, and things where beginning to be set up. There was a lot of set up to be done, it's not everyday that the Newsboys come and do worship at your church. Now knowing that many of you, mostly the ones who've know me for a while, won't believe much of what comes out of my mouth, which is to your benefit, I snagged a camara and snapped off a photo for everybody:

yeah it's the Newsboys
The only lead worship for the third and final service of the day, but it was a great time. Very uplifting and a very positive time the church here in general. I got a chance to meet them all and talk to them, while they where waiting for a van to come and wisk them off to the airport. We got to talk about ministry, music, missions, even how hard it can be to work in Austalia and New Zealand. It really was a great time.
Later that day I went to Blackrock community Church in Fairfield, about a half hour east, and saw Audio Adrenaline perform. They had both been in the area for a very large Christian Concert called Rock the Sound that had been the evening before. All in all it was a great weekend with wonderful worship and fellowship. I never would have thought that the Newsboys would lead the worship in a church where I was working. Sweet as, bro, sweet as.
A.T.H.

2005-10-31T21:52:00.000-05:00

I don't often have a great deal to do...but when I do it comes all at once. This past weekend I wore as many hats as I probably have to ware at anyone time. I was a Museum Curator and designer, I was stage manager, techie, and rigger, I was a learned philosopher, the knowledgeble musician, as well as actor, I was first tenor and second, dock manager, music director and consultant, youth group guy, and last and definatly not least of all I was the guy that didn't know what was going on. This week marked the churches 5th annual COTA, celebration of the arts. It was a great time, we had Carol Bomer, an accomplished christian artist, come in and present some of here works as well as give a lecture on Saturday night on Faith and Art. My "weekend" actually started friday morning at 8am when I arived at church, cup of coffee in hand, to start turning the churches basement into the Noroton Museum of Modern Art. It was fun for the most part. As it turned out I knew more about art and the display of art than I must have let on. I ended up spending time on a ladder focusing lights that were not rigged at all the way they should have been, making my job of keeping the artist happy have how her art was being displayed just a bit more difficult. But as it turns out, I'm good at doing things that are hard, and all was well. At which point I changed hats, and became at photographer...forgot to put that one up there. Saturday, I finish setting up some last minuet pices that showed up late friday night, but I'm always happy to help out a struggling art student...I guess. Spent the remainder of the day doing all of the things that I had failed to get done the day before, then went to dinner and then off to the lecture. Both durning and afterwards I got to ware my intellectual hats, though not by choice. I talked to several people who asked my feelings on what had been presented, being an artist of sorts myself I guess I was a good pick for conversation. I do enjoy that by the way. It truly envigorating when you get to talk about things you're devoting your life to, and since art and music have many correlations and share many of the same problems I have a decent amount to say about all of that. It was all very enlightening, and tiring. I didn't have to help set up anything for the lecture and was shoved out the door when I asked if I needed to stay, but it had been a long day for me anyway. Sunday was even longer. I was up at 6am to start getting ready, or rather that was when my alarm went off. I'm assuming that it went off becasue when I woke up at 7:55, while needing to be there at 7:30, it really didn't matter much. I was a little late, but none the worse for ware. We had the brass, and the full band, which I helped set up the afternoon before. Everything was great, I sang a song with a male quintet that was great. I got to finally talk to Carol about her art, just a little, before running off to find somthing quick to eat. I say quick becasue I had to eat and change and be back before 1pm to tear down from the morning, and prepare to set up for the evening. We had Max Mclain come in and recite dramatically the first 24 chapters of the Book of Genesis completly from memory. It was a truly wonderful experiance. But before all of that we had to set up. Gene and Jeff, we're Max's two tech guys. Gene showed up first to set up lights, and since I some experince I got some more practice. Steve, a new friend of mine, was there to help as well, but is much more acustomed to the front of the stage instead of the sides of wings, so again Aaron gets to wear more hats. It was fun to help set up, I always liked doing that sort of thing, and it was fun to talk to Gene about the rigging he was useing. I was a basic rigg, only four dimmers, two trees, and some small back lights, so it didn't take long. I finally got some rest that afternoon, though not quite able to sleep. I was back by 6pm, to finish set up, help people out as they came in. I got settled into a seat and let Max show me things that I've never realized about the book of Genesis. So many correlations and elusions to the coming of Christ even in the beginnings, things that you miss unless you've heard it read. Anyway, more on that later. There was of course the inevitable tear down after the performance. And then finally I was done...but no. I returned this morning, to help dismantle the museum that we had made in our basment, which took just as long as it did to set it up. I got there around 9am this time and we finally finished around 12:30 or so.
So that was Cota. Now I find myself prepareing for a week that will most likly be equally busy. I just got back from Trumbell, about a half hour to forty five minute drive depending on traffic, and a High School Specialty choir that Tim normaly directs, but he's probably just ariving in Germany right now on his way to Liverpool, England. So I have all of the responsiblity for the next week, culminating in a very bizarre occurance surely never to be equaled here are NPC. the Newsboys leading the worship for our third service. I'm not sure whether to be excited or cry. It's going to be a fun week, boo ya...that's right Josh Cash, boo ya.
A.T.H.
(P.s. Happy reformation day to everyone in the Religion office.)

2005-10-28T17:48:00.000-04:00

Since I was asked nicely to do this, meaning my name was on a list and it looked like fun, I took the time out to fill in the blanks. I hope you enjoy this journy into the mind of Combs.

10 years ago-
I was 14, I hardly remember being that young. I know it sounds odd, but I really don’t. It would have been my 8th grade year. 8th grade was kind of fun I guess, though school never seemed to interest me all that much. I had Mr. Smath for math. We had two Mr. Smiths on the particular “team” that I was on, one taught English comp and the other taught math, and to give us something fun to separate them he told us to call him Mr. Smath. Odd? Yeah, but it was kind of funny at the time. I defiantly enjoyed English Comp more though. It allowed me to be creative and have a free reign with what and how we want to write. I actually still have some of the things that I wrote, and for an 8th grader they’re not all that bad. 8th grade was also my first encounter with foreign languages. The year was split into quarters and we took equal classes of French, German, Spanish, and Latin. I ended up taking Spanish in High School but this started that process the year before. I was in the Middle school Show Choir, I think I even had a solo, but as to what it was I couldn’t tell you. I played Soccer for the YMCA, and loved it. Outdoor in the Fall and Spring and indoor over the winter. I read a lot even at that point. When everyone else was reading Goosebumps or what ever other else they might be reading, I was reading Sir Arthur Conan Doyle’s The Lost World. Which I always thought was interesting.
5 years ago-
I was 19. I was a freshman at Indiana Wesleyan University. I was wondering how I slipped through the cracks. By this time I was in Choral, again wondering how I slipped through the cracks. I remember sending an email to my Choir Director from high school say I was so surprised, and very excited to be in the elite choir from my school, especially as a freshmen. Those particular feelings died quickly, however. I was never too impressed with the choir as it was. The people were fun and nice, when they weren’t being jerks. I know that’s an odd thing for a professing jerk to say, but still it does take one to know one and at least I recognize it. I don’t do anything about but I recognize it. I meet Jon and Caleb who became two of my best friends throughout college. I meet so many people that year who would influence my life, for both good and ill. I was in Music theory 2 and sinking fast. I was in World Changers, groaning like everyone else. What I remember most are the people. Dave, Marcello, Paul, Lisa, Jason G-nard, Jason Howe, Jason (I knew several Jason’s), Brian and Bryant (my roommates), Matt and Tyler (my other roommates), Rob and his brother, so many people…
1 year ago-
A year ago began my last year at IWU. 5 years as “home” and things weren’t the same. But lets face it, a College changes every year. It grows and put on a new face with every new class of freshmen. I was a great year, and I wouldn’t take it back for anything. I was gearing up for Two weeks in New Zealand, which turned out to be two of the most amazing weeks of my life. Not life changing, though possibly in the near future it may turn out that it was. First semester was weird getting used to things again. One thing that helped a great deal was my constant correspondence with a great friend of mine, Erica, who had left for Vietnam a month after classes started. There was Thanksgiving, there was Christmas. My classes stretched me to thinking in ways I hadn’t reached, I grew and became a different person. Spring Break in Florida with the Choral, Blasting the Numa Numa song out the windows and singing along with the guys in the van. I’d not known calm like that before, relaxed isn’t quite the word for it. I was a good year all in all.
Yesterday-
I got into the office around 10am. I left again about an hour later to go drop Tim (my boss) off at a house so he could pick up a car that the church needed for the weekend. I then went to cash a check and almost asked the girl at the counter out for a date. I really didn’t think about it until I was almost out the door, but the thought did cross my mind. That was the second time that she’s waited on me, and she’s pretty, but I won’t do that. I have no desire to date anyone anyway. I then, after laughing at myself the whole way back to my car, proceeded to drive into Stamford, about a 15 min drive, to find Connecticut Music. We had ordered several mics and some cords, and I was there to pick them up. I signed over 1300 of the churches dollars, again I laughed a little to myself. I went to Coromendelle for lunch, and Indian place that I had just found. It was all very nice. I came back to the church and proceeded with all of the normal things that I normally have to do on a Thursday. I set up for Handbells, I made fun of Kelly, I set up a little for choir, made fun of Kelly some more, and then it was time for the Elliot Twin’s voice lessons. Not normally on a Thursday, this was another change of pace for me. Their lessons went well, there getting it, but slowly which is fine. I got there music all switched back around because some how the week before I has given them the wrong pieces. For being identical twins that have two completely different voices, One very much an Alto, the other will be a nice lyric Soprano one day if she works at it. I didn’t eat dinner, because lunch had been late. And then it was time for Bells. Average rehearsal. And Choir, again average rehearsal. I started reading when I got back, I picked up with my fantasy series that I’ve not read in 4 years, and about 10:30 my Mom called, a surprise because my parents are currently in the Dominican Republic. Every time I’ve left the country I’ve only called them once, if I’ve called them at all. Mom has called my twice since leaving. So after a brief conversation with her, called my brother which she asked me to do, and suddenly felt very alone. I started reading again and finally went to sleep around 1am, but I’ve not been able to shake the feeling. Even now.
10 Songs I know all the words to:
I’m going to have to put down some groups here because I can’t just pick ten songs. Jars of Clay songs, Third day songs, Most Chris Tomlin songs, Several Hawk Nelson songs, A couple Rachmaninov Songs, including Сонъ and Не пой, касавица!, Die Mainacht, Geheimnis, and Feldeinsamkeit all by Johannes Brahms, Recontre and Adieu by Gabriel Faure. Plus a host of Choral pieces.
5 things I'd do with a $100 Million:
- Pay off school loans, Grad School, and other debts
- Pay back my parents, and buy their house and car
- Pay off my brothers school loans
- Pay for my Grandparents medications
- Fund Mission’s endeavors (mine or someone else’s)
5 places to run away to:
- Irland
- New Zealand
- Colorado
- Home (Pennsylvania)
- Continental Europe
5 things I should/would never wear:
- Spandex
- A speedo
- A bra
- A Bikini
- A thong
5 favorite TV shows (as of right now):
- Ghost Hunters, on Sci-Fi
- Family Guy
- Futurama
- Most things on the History Channel
- Aqua Team Hunger Force, it’s random…’nough said
5 joys:
- Family
- Friends
- God
- God’s Creation
- Good Choral Music
5 favorite toys:
- Lisa, my Jetta
- Samuel, my guitar
- My computer, no name
- My hiking pack, that I havn’t gotten to use much
- Xbox, its not mine but I use it like it is
5 things I cannot stand:
- People who talk about things like they know what they are talking about, even though you know they haven’t a clue.
- People who don’t ever drive the speed limit
- People yelling at me for know reason, or who some how think they are qualified to give advice on a subject that completely foreign to me.
- People who think they’re always right (no one is ever always right, unless you’re God. And you not God, even though you think you are!!!)
- People who don’t know when to be quiet. Sometimes there are times when it perfectly ok not to talk and it is perfectly ok to use those times accordingly. It’s not a skill, it’s not a talent, it’s common sense…use it, for the love of all that is good and holy use it.

People I have tagged for doing this next:
I’m not going to put any names down here. If you want fill this thing out, do it. If not…it’s your loss. It was actually kind of fun.
A.T.H.

confession

2005-10-25T14:50:00.000-04:00

One of the most interesting things that I've experienced since coming to NPC is the addition of a prayer for forgiveness at every service. There are many things that my evangelical upbringing has not prepared me for, not that I paid much to that upbringing untill a few years ago. But this is one thing that I am really coming to believe should be included in the average evangelical liturgy. I think that this is somthing we often miss in our lives, the simple act of public confession. A good Catholic goes to confession, what makes us think that we are better than them? Maybe it's not that, but we are told to confess to one another. This simply does it corporatly, out loud, in fount of everyone. No one any better saying anything different, no one acting any better than the person next to him. You can't think about the person next to you when you say it, it's about you and God in front of everyone else. I really don't have much to say on this subject, I really would just like to share a few of these prayers with you.

Oct. 16
"Our heavenly Father, forgive us for forgetting your gracious care,
Your Careful assistance and Your wise Word,
which are always there to help us each and every day.
Your have been faithful, and we have been half-hearted.
Your have been gracious and giving, and we are so demanding.
In Your mercy, we ask you to create in us thankful, joyful, believing hearts
in Christ Jesus our Lord, in whose name we pray. Amen"

Oct. 23
"Most merciful God, You created us to reflect Your glory,
But we make choices which cause us to fall short of living a life in the likeness of
Your Son. Each day You call us to know Christ, to grow in christ, to be transformed in Christ, but we are often gripped by complacency which hinders the working of Your Spirit within us. Unveil our hearts and minds so that we might brightly reflect the true glory of the Lord. Amen."

I want to write on this later, but I wanted to share some of these prayers with you guys, so forgive my lack of writing.

Disapointment and other things

2005-10-19T20:20:00.000-04:00

The Oddity of my situation has just dawned on me. I'm sitting here at starbucks listening to people around me talk, not because there conversations are interesting but becasue I'm the only one sitting outside useing an american accent. There are eight people sitting outside, including myself, and I've heard eastern European accents, Russian or Romanian possibly, possibly Scandinavian accents, and the blond haired girls sitting directly infront of me are speaking together in German, I'm disapointed that it took me so long to understand them. So at the moment I feel more like I'm traveling in Europe than interning at Chruch in Southern Connecticut. This isn't that much of a surprise really, the majority of the labor around here is foreign based. The families hire Au pairs for the kids that they havn't sent to boarding school and most of the Au pairs come from Europe. Leaving me with the impence feeling that I'm more of an American in Pairs than my situation actually supports. Of course I find it all highly amusing, so I sit here and chuckle to myself. I never thought that the language barrier would catch up to me in Darien, CT.
Disapointment struck for the second time today. I say second, because my house situation hasn't changed. I havn't talked about that before simple because it matters so little to me. I honestly am very happy living my rather bohemian life in the Yoders basement. I've a chair, and bed stand, two lamps, my own refrigerator, a clothes rack and drawers, and a bed. It's actually quite quaint and, like I said, rather bohemian. I remember wishing, not all that long ago, that I could live the life in Walden. Living with the bare minimum, simply taking care of myself. So here I am in my basement, not quite the starving artist that I imagined but probably as close as I would like to be. Anyway, I digress. My main disapointment comes from the middle school choir that kelly and I are trying to get started. We've had two "rehearsals" if you can call them that, have had a grand total of three kids show up. Two at a time I might add. Matt, Emily, and today we added Elenor to our list. Only Matt returned this week, and while Elenor said that she knows Emily very well she did know why she wouldn't have been there. So...we have know idea what to do. We've talk personally to people, handed out fliers, mailed out fliers, I called members of the old choir and people who would have moved up from the kids choir last night. I got several yeses and a few maybe's that sounded very positive, and only a few we're definat no's. We really are at a lose as to what to do. I would be happy if 5 kids showed up and wanted to sing, really that's all I'm looking for. It's just all very disapointing. Kids choir was a lot of fun anyway, especially since everything that Kelly and I worked on laid untouched. I don't say this because I'm annoyed. It really is a happy thing. Kelly and I are as of today successfully two weeks ahead of all projects, papers, etc. For the procrastinator this is a wonder that it happen, and thank goodness for it.
I'm taking on a new voice student, Jenny. She's one of the kids from the High school choir that Tim directs one day out of the week. She has an amazing soprano voice already. Tim had us up there for practice this past week so I could work with the Tenors. I needed more than five minuets to do anything more than go over the phrase that Tim wanted me to go over, but that was all I got. They need some serious work, but what high school tenor doesn't? Working with them I started remembering what it was like to be a high school tenor. Absolutly horrible is what it's like. Not only are you a guy in choir, which is an invite by itself for any gay joke you could imagine, but your a tenor. You sing high, non manly tones and have more in common with the girls than you do the basses. Anyway, over the rest of the choir I hear this voice. More than the voice I hear the vibrato. A controled, articulate, mature sounding vibrato that you almost never hear in a high school setting. She's either working on getting into All State choir, or she's already made it, which wouldn't surpise me. She's never taken voice lessons, and needs help with foriegn languages, especially Italian. She also would like two half hour lessons, which was a shock by itself especially that this came up after I told her I charge $25 per half hour (music can be lucrative if you're in the right area). So we're starting next week, and I'm very excited. I'll need different liturature for her, but I need to hear her voice before I start looking for books.
So...That's an update on life. The internet has been down at church, so that's more or less why I'm at starbucks. Things are going well. Waiting to hear back from people about New Years, don't let the basement thing fool you, I've got room for you I just need to know if you are coming. No questions to ponder...except for maybe this...What does it mean that one of the only words I've really been able to understand from the two german girls sitting across the table has been Scheisse? Does that make me a bad person or just by lingual?
A.T.H.