The Life Unexpected

There's no philosophy tonight, just simple amazment. This morning I recieved a call from Erica. It was nice to talk to her, nice to hear her voice. To be honest I was worried that somthing was rather wrong. She had been trying to reach me on my cell and I was in the shower, when I caught the message she said she really needed to talk to me, which in my analytical mind translated as trouble. So I was slightly worried. I say slightly because I've reached a point in my life where I know right away the things I can and cannot do somthing about, and this was obviously somthing I couldn't do much about, so worried but only slightly worried. Like I said the conversation was nice, very refreashing and unexpected. To be honest it kind of set the mood for the rest of my day. I seemed lighter on my feet today, and while I've been anything but melancholic the past few weeks, things where just different today. Not much else happened. I picked up around the house, went to Walmart, had my mom add to the list of things she thinks I should do before I what I'm not sure. I'd say before I grow up, but I'm afraid that happened along time ago and an immaturity on my part can be attributed to a simple regression of my state of mind. (Though I normally enjoy it thoroughly) I've been blindsided a good bit today. Calls from Viet Nam that were fervently trying to get a hold of me, finding somthing called "Coke Zero" (if you see this and don't like Diet Coke, just ignore it. They just renamed Diet Coke), Rereading old email and seeing things I'd not read before, or at least not in the way that I read them this time around. But there's no heavy thinking tonight, I'm tired and don't really want to think on them. So the moral of the story is this, even when life is slow it comes at you fast, and in many cases rather unexpectedly.
A.T.H.

So...Now What?

Ok, so...now what? It's a question that I've heard a lot over the past 5 years of school, and especially now since I've left. Every Sunday I'm at church I have at least five or six people ask me the question right after they've asked me how it feels now that I'm graduated. Personally I've asked myself that particular question every day I've been back in this country. It's at this point that my dreams kick in and I pick on and go with it. I don't think that I've given the same answer to any two people I've talked to so far. Heck, I don't even give myself the same answer. I've really been considering the possibility of packing up my gear and heading out into the woods for a few days. Maybe hike some of the Appalachian trail. I've got things that might happen in the future, things to work toward, to strive for, but nothing for right now. I've been kind of just sitting around, doing some work around the house, reading, playing video games, watching movies and tv, and waiting for my car to be fixed (which it is by the way), and trying to find a job. Since the last one on the list hasn't worked out so far, I've been doing a good bit of the other ones. Frankly, some of the stuff is really wearing thin. In anycase, I'm just going to keep going at things. If I find some work that woudl be great, if not...oh well. I'll know if I'll have that internship in a few weeks and if I don't get it I can move forward appropriatly. I'm not sure what that move would be, probably a year or so with GEM, Greater European Missions. I've been talking with them the past semmester, and they seem pretty interested in me, but I need to wait on that until I hear about the internship. So...now what? I'm back to that question. I'm starting to thing that my answer for now is just to wait and enjoy the time that I have to relax and just be where I am for the time being. I keep talking about not having a home, and moving around a lot, you know the "foxes have dens" things, but now that I have time to just be where I am I think of it more as wasting time and being stuck. If there is one thing that school taught me it was to be active, and the inactivity of the past few weeks has had me on edge more than anything, but maybe that's the point. Maybe I need to, just for a while, be somewhere and not have somthing to do or a dead line to meet. So...now what? Come what may, even if I just have to wait for a while.
A.T.H.

20/20 vision

I know that this isn't somthing that is new for anyone, but as I've noticed it is somthing that constantly sneaks up on us, or me in anycase. As humans we have the innate ability to walk our live almost completely backwards. Every once and a while we get to turn around and actually see where we are going, but for the vast majority of the time we walk backwards. We strive to see the future as clearly as we see the past. It is something that all of us are taken by to one degree or another. Whether we just have a little laugh at the comical fortune in our fortuue cookie, seek out the help of a medium or a psychic (though I don't endorse or suggest this), or read the apocalyptic passages or books in our religious texts. The great success of Tim Lahaye and Jerry Jenkins' series based on an interpretation of the Biblical texts of the Revelation of St. John. For centuries we have been desperatly trying to know what our future is. You might say that we are obsessed with it. It permeates our liturature in texts like H.G. Wells' "The Time Machine", or our films like the success of the Terminator trilogy, the Matrix trilogy, or any number of films set in the future.
On a side note, I don't believe that it is possible to truly know the future. I don't believe that mediums who commune with the dead, or psychics who claim to know the future are...for lack of a better term, for real. I think it's all bunk. I believe that the only one who knows our future is God, and he isn't always forth comming with it, except for what we absolutly need to know so that we can be prepared for it. As for the writings of Mr. Lahaye and Mr. jenkins...I don't necissarily believe that that particular interpretation of the Scripture is correct, though it does provide for a good story line. I'm not saying that they are wrong and that I'm right. We both have done research, though they have, I believe, done a good amount more that I have. I have found holes in their theology, and simply cannot except it whole hartedly as my own. If you disagree with me, that's fine, we don't have to believe exactly the same thing.
So we're obsessed with the future, why? I'm starting to believe that we are so obsessed because we can see the past so clearly. As obscured as our future is, our past opens up to us a sense of pattern, chance that wasn't so much chance, and every once and awhile, purpose. This is really my reason for writing late into this night. When we finally sit down and look into our past, if we are truthful, I believe that all of us will see a design to our lives. It's the same with any rug or tapestry ever weaved. If you sit on the strand as it is being woving you will never see you purpose, even when you look around you. You would see the other strands, but nothing makes sense. You look ahead of you, but there is no connection. But turn around and before you opens up a colorful peice of fabric, and suddenly you understand. You can see in what way you fit into the pattern, you see the pattern. We say that we can learn from the past, which implies that at least some of what we know, can be use to protect us from our future, or at least from repeating the our past mistakes.
I was thinking tonight about what this past year has given me, what I've learned, what I've grasped, and the things that still seem to escape me. If you know me at all you know that this time last year and most of the way through the year I would not have said that I wanted to be there or that I thought that I had a reason to be there beyond finishing up my requirments. But as I sat in my brothers car to night I started to realize some of those reasons. If I hadn't come back for a 5th year I would have never gone to New Zealand and spent two of the best weeks of my life with a wonderful group of people that I did not know until this past year. I never would have had my conversations with Cami, my 'freshmen' friend. I never would have met Andrea, a blessing of a women, who it has been my privilage and joy to get to know. Phill and Steph, Phil G., Steve, Stephen, everybody. I've grown in this past year. I've learned to commite to things in such a way that I've never done before. I was able to keep in touch and deepen my relationship with Erica. I learned new things, bettered my grades, and convinced myself of what I can do, and what I'm willing to do anyway. I'm a new man, recreated again and again by the forger and founder who first created me. Every email I send out is stamped with the same lyrics, the last chorus of Bebo Norman's The Hammer Holds, and I think it would be appropriate to stamp it here.
"So dream a little, dream for me in hopes that I'll remain
And cry a little cry for me so I can bear the pain
And hurt a little hurt for me, my future is so bold
But my dreams are not the issue here, for they the hammer hold
This task before me may seem unclear, but it, my Maker holds"
Once again I look back, and at least chose to see the pattern in it. Maybe you don't believe that the pattern is so obvious in your own life, but if you havn't yet turned around maybe you should. The pattern is there. It is there because the designer is there.
A.T.H.

The good things in life

When we hear that phrase we so often think of things we would consider extraordinary, but what about the small things that happen everyday that we so often miss? Today, someone from church gave me a car, and said use it as long as you need it. Others told me how glad they were that I'm home for a while, and wondered how I managed to make it up front today but didn't manage to sing, people I don't even know. I got to see a lot of my old friends and got the chance to have lunch with them. It was a gorgeous day, and I ended up having a lot of fun. So, life is good, yes? I guess it depends what you consider a good life. I consider it good, though from time to time it's a little boring, but not all of life can be exciting right? Even on the trail you have to walk through a lot of forest to get to somthing really spectacular. Even the trail can be mundain after you've been on it for a while. But so what.
I've often looked down at people who I think are over spiritualizing there life. Maybe I should start this by saying that in my theology I believe that we are responsible for many things in life. True I often confess to be a Calvinist but...God created us to be intellegent, rational, movable creatures, and pardon me if I believe that he expects me to use it from time to time. It's a fine line that I walk, but I believe that by constantly making decisions, and choseing to live for his will and pleasure that I will find it no matter which way I decide. So obviously I believe anyone who believes that God told you directly to do somthing, especially somthing like marrying some one, should be taken with a grain of salt. I don't believe that we should wait around for God to answer all of our questions and make all of our decisions. It just does not make sense to me to sit and pine away doing this. I say that it is a fine line that I walk, because I also believe that I should wait for God to answer me and show me the way in some cases. I know that I probably just said the most ludicrous things you've ever heard, but it works in my mind. I'm one always looking for a balance in life, in my life especially. I truly believe that God allows us to make dicisions on our own, but I also believe that He reveals his will to us on certain occasions when there is no other way or He choses to do so.
So what was all this about? For a long time I placed relationships in the catagory of, God will provide, but now I'm not so sure. I'm not totally in the camp of "it's completly up to me" either. I think that this may even create a new catagory of working together. I still believe that God will bring the people into my life that need to come into my life, but it maybe up to me to explore those relationships and find out who fits where.
Am I saying this, becuase I've found that particular someone I've long sought? Frankly, no. I may have meet her, or she may still be out there, but for now...it needs to be just the two of us, God and me that is. It's not that I believe that I'm not ready, of course I think that I'm ready, but...there needs to be more time where I just settle in with my heavenly father and learn. I need to be prepared to spend the rest of my life on my own, and I would rather do that than chase shadows. I'm actually fine with being single, I like it. I can make the decisions I need to make, and have them effect only me. I like being able to pick up at litterally a moments notice and leave, and not know exactly what is out there for me.
So other than the rather personal retort at the end, what do you think? Can there be a balance? Are we the rational, intellegent beings (though often I think we don't use it) that I've made us out to be? Are we expected to use it? Or should we all be ultra-Calvanist and wait for God to releave every part of our lives to us? Is there really anything like special revelation or do we just experience it on a daily basis and not realize it? I'd love to hear your thoughts on this.
A.T.H.

Ok, here's the thing.

Well, It's late...again. Though not as late as before. So I sit here, semi watching t.v., a past-time which to be honest bores me greatly, but every once and a while there's somthing pretty decent on. currently Dances With Wolves is on. I'd write on somthing different but my situation stays the same. Nothing changes not yet anyway. I was going ot go out today, but everyone left before I had a chance to ask for a car, and so I spent the day here at the house. It's fliping hot out side already and I really wasn't prepared to walk anywhere I really wanted to go. I really hope my car is fixed soon. It's kind of hard to look for a job when you have no car, and there is only so much you can do over the phone. I did mow the lawn, or at least the back yard. Dad and I split the responsiblity so it didn't take very long, but it was nice just to do somthing other than read, watch t.v., play video games, or watch movies. I like the time I have to relax, don't get me wrong. I've longed for it for so long, but I'd like to beable to do a few of the things that I like to do as well, or find a job. I'd love the chance to go to Gettysburg and hike the battlefield, or take a trip down to Cuttingham falls and hike there along the stream, or really anything but sit around here. But sit here I do, and I'll be happy for the time of stillness. It's something that I've grown very unaccustomed to being at school. I had to learn what it was in North Dakota last summer, and I have to relearn it now in PA. I think, that God is using these times of uncomfort to teach me lessons that I will need for my future. I say this with only half a heavy heart. I know that in the coming years I will find myself alone a good deal of the time, and while I don't like the prospect of this I don't believe that it is somthing that I'll beable to avoid. Before this sounds like the depressive ramblings of a hopelessly single guy...I'm glad to be single. I need to be free to make the decisions that I need to make in the next few months, and know that what I'm looking to do would not be such an easy thing if I'm "attached." While I don't think that being "attached" would keep me from these things, in fact there isn't much that could, I don't think it's fair to ask anyone to be apart of my no home, moving every so often, never knowing where I might be going, kind of life. Now I could be wrong, and there is someone out there who would want to do this with me, but for now...I'll do it on my own. So...I need somthing to do, but I'm glad I don't at the moment...I'm board, I've got stuff...welcome to my crazy, mixed up, so called life. again for those who know me...no big suprise.
A.T.H.

So when do I leave

So I'm sitting here...thinking about things...mostly because I've nothing else to do. I don't really like being here in Pennsylvania. I don't entirely know why. For a long time I've felt that I don't belong here, and everytime I come back I get the feeling even stronger than before. It's like I should have found a way not to come back. I never feel effective when I'm here. I don't like to feel this way, I try very hard not to feel this way, but still I do. I want this to be time when I feel safe and comfortable, like a home should. I know part of my problem is that I'm lonely. The majority of the people I knew from here either arn't here anymore or I've lost contact with them for any number of reasons long ago. I've decided that this time what I really need is just somthing to do. I'll be here for at least the summer, and hopfully not much longer. So I just need to find some summer work to get me out of the house for a couple of weeks. I say a couple of weeks because then I start traveling again. I've got several weddings to go to, family vacation, maybe Creation fest for at least a few days, and that could be it. Mostly likely that'll be it. But for now I'm stuck here.
I say stuck here, and mean it in the litteral sense, because as of friday afternoon my car is not drivable. I was in my first accident on friday. I didn't hit anyone, and I'm fine. The it was raining, as it had been most of the day, and if you've never seen hanover on a friday afternoon let me just tell you, I think the entirity of northern Maryland comes up here to do there weekend shoping. It's a mad house anywhere in Hanover, but south Hanover on a friday afternoon make be cringe. So, I'm driving and random person infrount of me decides to slam their breaks on and of course forcing me to as well. My wheels lock up, and in trying to avoid the person in frount of me I jerk the wheel. Of course as I do this my wheels come unlocked, find the only dry spot on the road and jerk me right into the curb. I've got a bent axle for sure, which means my car is in bad need of repair, and I'm am stuck here. The good thing is that everything is taken of and the car will begin to be fixed on monday. I'm not hurt. This is the only accident that I've been in, that I was driving in any case. I've decided that neither I nor my car like being in PA for very long. If you'll remember the last time I was here my car snaped it's timing belt. I can learn to drive and not have a problem in New Zealand, but I get back here and things just go to pot. Oh well.
So yeah, I'm kind of down right now. I'm board, lonely, and in a place I no longer feel like I belong. There's a lot more I could write about, but it's going to have to go into my journal. It's just a bit too personal to put on here. So...if you're the praying kind of person, I think there's enough in here to keep you busy. I just need something really good to happen to me. I'm not the kind of person to live in the past, and my road trip and New Zealand are in the past. I'm hoping that those things will come back around, but for now...I'm here. Not everything can be exciting, somthings have to be mundain. I'm just not used to this type of mundain. School mundain yes...PA mundain, no. Anyway, It's time to go. Bed time has come, and I should try to do that. I think that the jet-lag is just about gone.
A.T.H.

If anyone has any Idea what this is I would really like to know. It's not a beaver, the tail is wrong.

The Tetons in the Clouds

jones in the snow

jones stuck in the snow, and some of the mountains

Our campsite on the snow

Snow outside of Denver

the reason's I've been gone for a month

Well, now that my month of travel and adventure is over and I’m settling down to at least a few weeks of mundane frivolity here in Pennsylvania I thought that I would spend a little bit of time and chronicle some of the adventures that I’ve had.
Right after graduation I spent a long time in a car, driving with some friends, Jones, Morty, and Justin, out to Colorado. Our thoughts were that we would have a bit of a camping trip in the Rocky Mountains. I was absolutely spectacular. I had never seen the Rockies before and never expected to see what I saw. It was absolutely gorgeous, right up to the point it started to snow. I was driving us out of Denver and up to Estes Park, which is at the entrance to Rocky Mountain National Park. Dave Smith once said that it was probably the prettiest town in the world, and seeing as much of the world as I have I would have to agree with him. On the other hand, if you ever plan to go to Rocky Mountain National Park make sure you keep an eye on the road. More importantly keep an eye out for the elk that will most likely be on the road at the time. Back to the snow, the further we got up into the mountains the more snow there was on the ground. Normally this wouldn’t bother me at all, but remember this is a camping trip. By the time we got to where we were going to camp there was about six inches of snow on the ground. We decided to tough it out and just sleep on the snow. WE ARE NOT EQUIPPED FOR THIS!!!! What the crap am I doing? Granted I was the last one out of the tent in the morning. I thought we were headed out for a morning hike, but no. Morton had been there since 3 or 4 in the morning. So we spent a few more hours in the car before packing everything up, exploring at 10,000 feet for a while, and then starting the drive north to the Grand Teton National Park.
We thought that it might be nicer up there, and it was for a while. We got there a sunset and for the second time we had to hurry to set up the tent before it was too dark. On the other hand we were determined to have a warm meal, that we cooked ourselves over an open fire. For all intensive purposes we did accomplish this, though none of us are willing to admit that we enjoyed said meal. The next day we went for a hike in the piedmont. We had been informed at the ranger station that all of the trails that lead any higher were still closed with the winter snow. We had a good hike, thought it was only about 5 miles total. It was a great little hike right in front of South Teton. The hike got a little rough about half way through, when the clouds that I had watched pour through the passes and down into the canyons of the mountains started to empty a rather cold rain.
The Teton’s are amazing, and I would have loved to spend more time there, but it rained, and then it got cold, and we woke up with frost on us, and we decided to once again move on after two nights. We ended up in the Black Hills of South Dakota, and finally found good weather. We meet up with Nate Lail, camped out one more night and he showed us around the next day. We hiked, and then climbed (literally) to the top of old Baldy. I’ve never done any type of bouldering, free climbing, before and it really was a great experience. We later climbed down into a small cave in the rocks above Silvan Lake. It was just a really great day. We had dinner at the Alpine Inn in Hill City, and later that night the original four of us climbed back into the car and headed back. We spent sometime at Justin’s house before dropping Morty off at O’Hare and then heading back to Jones’ house for the night. Thus ended the great Road Trip O5’, as Morty was calling it. If you want too, Morty has a bit more detail on his site. The link is off to the side, Josh Morton.
So after a night at Jones’ house, I headed back to Marion. I crash there with Thorn for the night, went to church and then looked for things to do for the rest of the day. I found Ryan Miles and Jon Dodgril and played a little bit of campus golf. Spend the night at Umf. Lo’s house with other members of my New Zealand team and prepared ourselves for what would prove to be one of the best times of my life. We left mid morning on Monday the 9th for the Indianapolis Airport and spent the rest of the day/days, I’m not quite sure, in an airplane. This doesn’t include our layovers in Denver (hmm, familiar), LAX, and Tahiti (yes, Tahiti). Over all I think it was over 16 hours that wee spent in the air. After landing technically two days later on Wednesday afternoon, and being rather exhausted from the travel we loaded into our temporary transport and headed out to pick up the vans we would be driving the rest of the time. After that we headed to the Fussner’s house for a bit of rest, and to clean up for the evening meal at which we would meet the families that we would be staying with. This was the first time I meet Atu and Sam.
Phil Gormong and I were going to be staying with Sam for the next seven days or so, but first we would be meeting some of the people from the Streams Church. I hadn’t expected to need my guitar the first day I was in New Zealand; I was tired and thought I’d be just going to bed as soon as possible. To my great surprise I was introduced and handed a guitar and asked to provide the group with a song. I should have known that this would be my fate for the rest of the week. I don’t do well when I feel that I’m that under-prepared, not to mention not-fit-to-drive tired (though I did), and yet I provided the group with a few songs. And yes, I not being in the country a full 8 hours, I found myself behind the wheel of a van. This would be a normal spot for me to be in during the trip, driving not necessarily being tired all the time. Sam is a great guy. A bachelor living on his own, which automatically means that there was no food to be found in the house. Which was fine, I don’t eat much for breakfast anyway and that was the only time that we were there, except for at night once we got back. That first week was great, though like I said before I was constantly finding myself in the position of having to come up with music for different activities and for group meetings. We started our work at Papakura Wesleyan church. They’re in the middle of building an early childhood center. They have amazing plans, and I’m very excited about the work they are already doing as well as the things they are planning. They are so focused on their community, as are all of the Wesleyan churches there. Umf. kept saying it but I really do believe that we were working with a church that came as close to the early churches of Acts that is possible in today’s society. The Papakura church had us doing some different things. We helped around the work site cleaning up and arranging things, braking some blocks, helping with the kids club (to which I helped with the music), and canvassing the neighborhood with surveys and inviting people to the kids club and Sunday service. We worked there for two days.
That Friday night the group split up to go to two different youth groups, just to spend time and fellowship with them. The other group had a great time doing this, or so I’ve heard. My group on the other hand arrived at our meeting, and was subsequently given the rest of the time to do what ever we had planned on doing. Which wasn’t much considering we hadn’t planned anything. I jumped up there really quickly, introduced our team and had the group introduce themselves individually, then grabbed the guitar I had seen in the crowed and started playing. Sarah and I went through a few songs, enough to make my fingers bleed in any case, while the rest of the team gather in the back creating some sort of plan for was we were going to do. Steve gave us a game, followed by Steph and Andrea giving their testimonies, then Steve came back up and gave his and a short message. It was a fun night over all, though it was a very nerve racking night. Things went well, and it was the first time that I realized that Andrea and I had a bit more in common that I had originally thought.
Saturday was blast. We spent time with the Streams church, watched a bit of the rugby match, learned some of the games intricacies, and had a worship service that was very much God filled. I was asked to lead some music for the group, I was rather uncomfortable with this, again because I was caught off my guard and hadn’t expected to do this, but god work just the same. It was a great time of fellowship and worship. We later meet with the Fijian Church for our evening feast. We soon learned that when the Island churches feed their guests they go all out, and we felt bad for not being able to eat more. This happened again on Tuesday when we went to meet with the Tongan Congregation, the singing that night was amazing. I’ve never heard such harmony or such sound, absolutely breathtaking. I could have listened to it all night. At some point I would love to write it all down for them. Just so they can keep it for records and posterity sake. It would be an awesome undertaking, one that I would gladly give years of my life to accomplish.
Sunday was a great day, a long day, but great. Three different services each with their own different little pleasures. Streams church in the morning, Pastor Atu made more comments about me coming to New Zealand to be a music pastor, then to East City Wesleyan for the Mandarin service, we got to sing “You are my All in All” in English while they sang in Mandarin, then cession/community church for their service. The last one was good because we didn’t have to do much of anything to do. I got to have a good discussion with Umf. on the type of service it was and whether or not I though it would prosper and last.
Monday we started at the Habitat for Humanity headquarters. We worked there for two days, doing all sort of work, from mowing the lawn, moving and cleaning the workspace, to moving several tons of bricks, and cleaning up there display at the performing arts center. That night a vanload of us went with lupeti on his bread run. We had a lot of fun in the van, just talking and laughing with was the norm for us. I drove and Andrea sat up front with me. We had a good conversation and talked about different things, there was quiet between us, but it wasn’t overly awkward. We we’re both tired and the quiet was nice.
The week went on; Wednesday we started work on the Redoubt Wesleyan Church. We would be there for most of the next week. The greater part of our trip was spent with this church and it was surely a great time. We worked at the different peoples houses cleaning, and doing yard work. At the church we started digging trenches and prepping the garage to be painted. The trenches probably wouldn’t have taken as long as they did except that we we’re digging through almost pure clay. I say this knowing that we accomplished more work than they expected us too.
Thursday we were supposed to go back to Papakura, but instead we helped out several families in the area. Those of us who had helped with the kids club the week before went back and had a blast with the kids. We also moved all of our stuff to the Lee’s house where we all stayed for the rest of our time there.
Friday we were all back at it at Redoubt North, where I tried to prepare a bit of something for us to do at the Penrose High School that afternoon. We had a great time of sharing testimonies and singing. Back to Redoubt North for more work, then clean up and a meal at Chas and Gloria’s. My group from the Friday before stayed there for their youth group and the other group went to the Chinese youth group.
Saturday was a fun day, doing yard work for and Elizabeth and then spending the rest of the day with some of the leadership from North Shore Wesleyan. We spent time on the black sand beaches of the north shore and I got some time just to be quiet and let everything sink in. A meal with everyone at the Lee’s house and then a bit earlier of a bedtime. Sunday wasn’t as rushed or busy as the week before. Many of us skipped out on the middle service so we could just relax. I was one of them. I got my Starbucks coffee and walked the mall there and just spent some more time. That night we traveled out to North Shore where I got to plan the service, kind of on the spot, and played with the worship team. It was great up until the point I snapped a string, my g-string, and had to play with 5 the rest of the night. Cindy and Cami gave their testimonies, Joe gave a greeting, we had a skit, and Umf. gave the message. It was a great night
Monday, we spent out on Auckland. We just went around and saw things. Spent the morning at the Auckland Museum with was fun. We had the Maori experience, saw them do the Haka and many other dances and songs. We then caught the ferry to North Head, where they had the first gun emplacements to protect the Auckland harbor. We made it back in time for fish and chips with the Lee’s and others that we had meet along the way. Tuesday we were at redoubt again and the Lee’s made us the best meal we had had the entire time we were there. It was wonderful. We had a great time of just fellowship with one another, and some of us watched Star Trek First Contact. Wednesday was more of the same work at Redoubt, and again at Elizabeth’s house. Then we all met at the Lee’s for our farewell dinner. I got to see Sam again and talk with him a bit more. The next day started on my journey back to PA, and to be completely honest…I haven’t stopped looking for reasons and ways of getting myself back to New Zealand. In the next few years, I really do hope to go back. Their graduate school in Auckland looks really good, and they have a musicology major. Who knows, maybe this was the start of something I never expected.
A.T.H.

The edge of the World

I have the desire to write, though again I'm not sure what the subject should be. So please excuse me if it seems that I'm rambling for a while. The past several weeks have been a flurrie of activity. Finishing projects, packing, cleaning, preparing, classes, parties, it's been hard to get a few waking moments just to sit and think. But now I sit in my room, alone in my house, playing the music loudly so the sound fills the room, if not the house. The list of things to do before graduation is quickly waning away to nothing. Only a few more items remain, and I find myself inadvertently suspending them. Not wanting to go to bed, in hopes that the day won't end and tomorrow will be delayed in coming. Trying to hold to the last few precious moments that I have to spend here at college with my friends.

I sit here and think of all that I'm leaving behind, but what about the future. I stand at the edge of the world, and for once the darkness lifts. I don't see it clearly, but...there before my eyes is the trailhead. It winds off into the distance, into the rocks and forest. I can see a ways a head of me, but the trail vears off, and I loose it in the trees as the haze once more envelops it. It's not much, and I don 't think I'll ever see more of my future than that, but it's enough.

I wrote a few days ago about how some times in our lives we just have to jump. I don't know what all of you thought about that. You may be saying to yourself that, no you are able to thing about everything before you make a decision. You may be like that, and never make a rash decision about anything. Maybe you can make it through life and feel completly confident in everything you do because, you thought about it before it happened. I stand here and tell you, I've thought about this point in my life for 5 years. I am about to complet my current task, and soon will be given another one to undertake. It's not about the decisions that I've made to get me to this point, it's about the next decision that I have to make. Do I stay where it's safe? Or do I jump in to the maw that is before me. It's cold, hazy if not dark at times, it's lonly. When you hike, it's the first step that is the most adventurous, the most perilous. With the first step, you lose control of your life. The planing stops, the training stops, and you have only what you know and what you are able to carry with you.

The theory of my life is about to end. The practice is about to start. The great experiment, that will prove to be my defining trial. Sure there are times when you return to the books for more research, but never like this. So I stand at the edge of the world, holding to what I know, to my memories, and training. I stare across the vast expance that is my life and smile, chuckle to myself, and Jump...

A.T.H.

The right question to ask

(I started this before my last post)
After a brief hiatus I think I'm ready to write again. I could have writen last week, but the subjects seemed to be of a very personal nature, and as I once promised Bryan Young, I'm not going to write on those sorts of things. I do this both for my gain and your's. I don't want my overly personal details posted on the internet, and I'm sure that you don't want to read them.

So what do I write about? I thought about writing on the Phantom of the Opera and how his character is really one of the most lovable villains ever conceived. You really can't help but feel bad for him. But no not that.

I've actually been thinking a lot about a conversation I had with a very good friend of mine a little over a year ago. Through the course of the conversation, which I won't get into, we can to the point in decribing ourselves. I made some comment concerning "why not," and she stop and said, "That's the difference between us. You think in 'why not's' and I think in terms of 'why." I've thought about that a lot since that evening. At first I honestly took it as something that I was doing wrong, but I've come to realize the opposite. She was right, as she normally tends to be. I do think in terms of "why not." George Bernard Shaw wrote in his play "Back to Methuselah," "You see things; and you say 'why?' But I dream things and say, 'why not?" Now I'm not about to say that I'm more of a dreamer than my dear friend (I'm most certainly not), but I do dream differently. I argue here for my own sake, for my own piece of mind. There are times in our lives when the only reason for doing somthing is because I don't have a reason not to do it. You could argue then that this really is the reason why I do it, but thats not how I would term it. I do a decent amount of hiking and traveling, and I've done a lot of things. When you're standing on the banks of the Rio Frio in the semi-wilderness of the Dominican Republic you find the question rolling around in your mind. Not consciously, but it's still there. When you think back it's there, just before you leap its there. You don't have a reason to be there, there's no reason any one would ever want to leave the city, to leave society, to leave the thing's we know and go off into the wilderness. So you jump, not because you have a reason to, but because you don't. You don't have a reason to leap blindly into the freazing cold water, such an oddity in the tropical climate.

So what am I saying? Am I right or is my friend right? Personally, I think we're both right. Sometimes you need a dead on reason to do somthing, and other times...you just have to jump.

A.T.H.

Messy Christianity

One of my best friends here on campus is Josh Morton, you'll find a link to his cite off to the right here. I highly suggest that you read his most recent blog on "quitting Christianity." This is a topic that we talk about often here, what it means to be a Christian and where we as Christian's are going awry. Reading through it all I could do was nod my head in agreement. Both Josh and myself have grown up in in the church and both of us to differing degrees have been hurt or dissolutioned by the entity that we love. Someone who is, I'm assuming, Josh's friend made a comment, citing James 4:11-12. This text basically says that you should not slander you brothers (fellow Christians) and that you should not judge against the law because you are then are not keeping the law. My friend I don't think that you reading the blog as carefully as you could. We are simply stating the discrepancies we see in the church today. We are a hypocritical people and I'm sure josh would echo me here, we include ourselves in it. We don't want to, but we have to. There is no judgment being spoken here, just a simple statement of what is happening. And no it's not everyone, and we know that as well. But I'm with Josh on this one. If I can't walk into a bar, have a drink, and start a conversation with someone just so I can ask them if they'd like to come to church with me on Sunday or Saturday night, and I can't still call myself a Christian while I do it. Then fine, I'm not a Christian, and I'm ok with that. Christianity is not the religion, it's not the legality, it's the relationship, and how dare you say that I can be a Christian and be in a bar at the same time. If I am to be judged for being real in my life, God will judge me. I believe that there is a God, and I believe that He is the God, but sometimes I have to remind myself of that fact.

Besides all that, I want the chance to stand up and say, "I feel like crap today. I'm not happy, I don't want to be happy, and no amount of devotions will make me feel happy. In fact, reading the Bible today makes my head hurt." I don't understand why being a Christian makes people feel like they have to be super human. The have to be stoic in their happiness. Because if you aren't happy then you are defiantly not doing something right. "Here let me pray for you, that the evil spirit of unhappiness will leave you, and the bla bla bla." Last time I checked, the Bible said nothing about being happy all the time. It never says that I won't be angry, tempted, melancholic, or depressed. It never says that I'll be happy all the time, that life will be cherries and roses, and sweet candy gum-drops. Anyone who thinks so needs to spend some more time out of there house dealing with everyday people, and stop inserting their own ideas into the text. I love life, I love the chances and opportunities that I have and will have, but I know better than to think that everything will always be nice and happy. It's called joy my friends, and peace. Faith, hope and love. Happiness is a component of all of these, but not a requirement. Faith and hope indicate that things may not be going the way we would like them to go. We are told to be ready to face trial of may kind (James). Back to my original statement, we were created to have the full range of emotion. We didn't become angry, melancholic, or depressed at the fall. The ability was always there to have a bad day, we're just more likely to have them now. Emotion is not sin, though I believe suppressing them may be. We are told to not let the Sun go down on our anger, not to not get angry. We are emotional people, we were created that way, and that is why I think to suppress them is a sin against the one who created us.

So Morton, are we leaving Christianity behind? In away, yes, but then again maybe we are just striving to become the Christian's we are supposed to be. Maybe it is our lot in life to show those who have stopped believing in Christian that there is more to it than what they where shown. Gandhi once said that Christianity would be wonderful, if it weren't for all of the Christian's. I think he had a good point, maybe it's time to start listening to the fallen world around us and realize that maybe we're as broken as they are.

A.T.H.

Turning the Page

By the time I post this I will be safely back home in my apartment on campus, but as I sit here typing I’m amongst friends. Most of who are asleep or close to it. Conversations haven’t quite lulled but the ones that are let are of a nature that a third party would not be appropriate. So I sit here in a rocking van, rolling westbound down I-94, and pondering the events of an emotional roller coaster. So far I’ve pondered these things to the tune of Nickel Creek, set to write them down to the now famous “Dragostea Din Tea” (Numa numa) by O-zone, and now writing to a bit of lite jazz, courtesy of Miss Jane Monheit. This was a chorale weekend, and so sleep is well deserved, but for me it was more. It was my last chorale weekend. This was my last concert, my last chance to do it right, to do it with my all of my heart. This was my last chance to ware the tux, and sing with this group. It’s a mix of emotion, I’m happy to be rolling back to campus, but in the same way I wish we could turn around and head out on tour again.
My reason for righting this isn’t really for the benefit of my foreign readers, but for more for my friends who keep tabs on me this way. I own you all so much. I expressed to a friend at the conclusion of our concert that my tears were not necessarily for Prof, though some of them most defiantly were, but for a grand mix of people and traditions that I will be leaving behind me after the next three weeks. I plan to keep in touch, and I hope you do as well, but it will never be the same. It is a great thing to know that you are loved. As friend after friend sought me out after the concert, and I tried desperately to hold back the tears that welled up in my eyes, I knew that I was loved. Which makes the parting even harder. I love you all, though I often show it in the oddest ways, and will never forget you. For those who have gone before me, thank you for your time, hours spent talking into the wee hours of the morning. You’ve helped me ask the questions that I needed to ask and find the answers in the right place. To you I am eternally grateful, you filled my time with memories that will stay with me until I die. You pushed me, kept me on track, inspired me, enlightened me, and supported me. I love you all and pray that God is blessing you where you are right now.

To my friends I am about to leave…there are no words for what you mean to me. In the past two years you have been my smile when I have had none, my comfort when there was none, my sanity when my world was failing all around, my laughter when I could not, my strength when I could not stand on my own. I meant it when I said that you’ve become my family. There are so many things I want to say to you, and in the next three weeks I know I will find the time to say them. You’ve been my joy, and now you are my reason for sorrow. Morty, you’ve been my company this year that I could not have lived with out. Jones you’ve kept my sense of humor in a very sick, corrupted sort of way. Yankey, you’ve been the spark of innocence that I could only strive to obtain. Do not strive to be like me, it’s not a place I would want to see you, instead I should be striving to be like you. Aeron, you’ve been a smile in my life, and I own you more than the sarcasm that you all too often get from me. Bryan, you’ve been a sense of release for my stress, an outlet for my wit, and a comrade in the finer things of life. Erica, even though you graduated last year, I include here because our friendship has grown to be something I depend on. Even though you’re half a world away you’ve become my confidant and one of my greatest friends and allies. And you’re sister did me an honor by putting me on that list, not a disservice. Liz, though we haven’t seen each other in three years, our conversations this year have been bright spots in my day/even/night/late night. I treasure our conversations and while I don’t believe it will happen any time in the near future, I do hope to see you again soon. Finally Allison. What you’ve been to me there is no word for in the English language. The things we’ve talked about, the problems we’ve discussed, the council that you’ve given. In my distress you’ve given me you ears, in my tears you’ve given me you’re shoulder, in my blindness you’re eyes, for my lose you’re observation. You’ve been the friend I’ve longed for. The debt I have to the school doesn’t even measure next to the debt of gratitude I’ve amassed with you. I will be less nest year without you. I will be less next year with out all of you. But as Prof has said, the page is turning. This chapter of my life is almost over, and the rest of my life a waits me elsewhere in this world. And far or near I must run to meet it.

I will say all this an more to you before I graduate, but I wanted to write it here to make public the debt that I have with you. A debt irreparable and which I will carry with joy. Thank you will never suffice but non the less, thank you. This day could not have been any better. An amazing van load of people (Morty, Steph, Yank, Allison, Byan, Jones, Kent, Scott...love you guys) singing, laughing, and just having fun on a long drive home. Forever, thank you.
A.T.H.

Somethings missing

I have the distinct feeling that I'm missing something. The conversations I've had today have varied quite a bit. Most of them with one of my best friends. I'm working with her on her final sermon, helping develop ideas for what will take place, and the music that will be done. The group was only semi-productive to say the least though I believe that we did accomplish everything that we set out to do. I think. We've got music, we've got set up, we've got production, she's got the sermon and I think we're ready to go. Conversations with other friends on the future, mainly mine since I'm graduating and people want to know what's up with me. Then there was the completly theological conversation that I had with the original friend that is for mentioned here. A really good conversation on the voice of God and whether or not we can actually perceive it, whether or not it's our fault. Is God really silent? Personally it sounds like a really good paper to write and discuss later on. Chance of me doing that...zero. Not any time soon anyway. It may make a good sermon, though most of the theory would have to find hard fact and scripture referance first. Good conversations, Good day. Actually I think I'll pose that question to you. Is God really silent? What's your proof? Is it possible that when you believed God to be silent you simply weren't asking the right question, or listening to the right responce? Could it have been your fault that you didn't here God at that point in your life?

But still it feels like something is missing. I'm not sure what. So much has happened in the past three days, something could have slipped through the cracks. The Pope has died, and many of my Roman Catholic bretheren around the world are without an earthly leader. I'm not Catholic, but still it is a great loss. Many will now be searching for that leader. I only hope that the right man will be found to lead the Roman Catholic Church. Terry Shaivo has died, and still the on going legal battles are of captial importance in our country. Do we have the right to death? Do we have the right to Life? Should the government be involved in these matters? On a personal note I believe that Shaivo had a right to die. Though I am sickened by the manner in which it took place. We fight to save starving people all over the world, many of whom are on the last breath and just waiting to die, yet we will let Mrs. Shaive die in this manner. Do I think she wanted to die? That I can't answer, I know I would rather have died peacefully and with out pictures of my wasted form plastered all over national television. But still something is missing.

I just don't know. It feels like there's more, and I guess that there will always be more in a sense, but that doesn't resolve my problem. Maybe I'll find it in sleep tonight, or maybe like we talked earlier, silence is the only answer.
A.T.H.

That's just random

I'll normally write on things that bugg me or topics that I just feel that I need to comment on. It's a passion of mine and it found it's outlet here. But I do have other passions, as I've probably eluded to with previous entries. Randomness is somthing I seem to reval in. Take today for instance, two of the most random things i've seen in a while. First there was a couple walking on campus this afternoon. Nothing out of the normal right? That's what I thought untill I saw the two ducklings following them. This wasn't the curious, off in the distance kind of following either. The two were right under foot of the girl. Really cute, but rather random for a college campus. The second was even more random. Picture this: two guys, tandem bike, and a ukulele. First they road around outside, the second one playing and singing as the passed. The next time I saw them someone had opened the door to the student center and they decided to ride through. Like I said random. I would never have guessed that I would have seen that today. Anyway, I just thought I'd like to share that bit of randomness for today.
A.T.H.

What do I say?

As I sit here igoring the intellectual banter going back and forth, I've been wishing that I was outside. I can almost see it through the blue-grayish, semi-transperent, this first glorious day of spring. We sit here supposedly discussing the question of whether or not to use apologetics to further Christianity. I say supposedly because we have yet to broach that question, we've discussed what it is to both a greater and lesser degree, we've talked about it's history citing both C.S. Lewis (who I'll write later about) and Francise Shaeffer, and how Christianity must come back into the for ground now. But we've yet to say out rightly whether or not apologetics are necessary to our faith. To a point, by not speaking of why apologetics should not be used we are inadvertently supporting the idea with out outrightly stating it.

Personally I don't think that this is a bad thing. I support apologetics and believe that they have a prominent place in intellectual circles, and in working out the flaws of both Christainity and opposing religions through out the world. There is a point at which we must stand up and say, "You are wrong." While this is necessary it must be done with a great deal of understanding and tacte, with sensitivity to both the good in the religion being rebuffed and the to the culture in which it resides. I think this is where many well meaning christians fall short. We go out with our signs, believing we will "win the world for Christ," but instead of turning people to the idea of christianity we beat them with the idea that they are wrong, worthless scum, that we really shouldn't be taking our time to talk to. People in a world of hoplessness need no help believing that they are powerless, hopless, and worth nothing. We take Calvin's idea of total depravity to far, and try to convince people that they are worth nothing. We forget whose image we are in, we forget that when God created us he looked down and He smiled and said that it was good, a term only ever used to decribe God in the Bible.

So now what? Are apologetics good? Are they bad? Are we as the church simply afraid of reason as a basis for and arument for God? I don't see why we should be. God, the creator of human thought, the creator of reason, is both bound by it, understood with it and completly beyond it. God himself is not necessarily a reaonable being. I have trouble using reason solely to describe and understand God. There is always an aspect of faith, truth be that faith is the more important of the two. That is not to say that we should have a blind faith that is unfounded and unsupported. To the contrary, our faith should be supported by our reason. It's not one or the other it is a combination of both. As we are told by Paul in 1 Corinthians, the three greatest attributes of Christianity are faith, hope, and love. But again as Paul says, the greatest of these is love. We must LIVE our faith out in love for those around us.
A.T.H.