The Clean Sacrifice

I don't do devotions everyday. The time between the varies, though it's normally not much more than a few days. I do on the other hand make it a habbit to read more than just a few verses of so. I like to read larger passages, and have time to think about them before I return to read somthing else. A few days ago I read thru the book of Malachi. It's the last book of the Old Testement (OT), and towards the end seems to become rather prophetic in nature. Normally this is enough to catch my eye, but this time around it was a passage that I've read before but never was able to link together in my mind. The first half of the book is God telling his priests and the people how unhappy he is with them. It seems that the priest especially had been offering up sacrifices that were blemished, animals that where blind or had broken legs or were diseased. Earlier in the OT God gives a command that sacrifices should be pure and spotless, and that this was the only sacrifice that He would accept. These priest, a thousand years later, are offering animals that do no come close to meeting the standard that God set. What seems worse is that they then refer to Gods table, the alter on which the sacrifice was laid, as being contemptible. The priest don't seem to recognize what they are doing as wrong, and when confonted with the problem, they out rightly ask the question, "How have we shown contempt for your name?" But I was left wondering about the sacrifice itself.

After I had read this, I immediately was reminded of Romans 12. In the first verses Paul urges us to lay our own lives down as living sacrifices, instead of the dead ones of the past. Now, knowing the break between these two passages, the sacrifices of Christ who became the world spotless lamb and subsequently the lose of reason for daily sin sacrifices, I was left with the question of what kind of sacrifice should we be? We sing in our churches "come as you are," but in Malachi we are told to bring a correct sacrifice. What does it mean to become a living sacrifice, daily laying down my life to do the will of God. Is there required a time of preparation before we lay ourselves down? I see this as a "post-cross" act. I still believe that before we come to Christ there is no way in which we can cleanse ourselves, but that God thru Christ and the Spirit makes the initial preparation for us, and stoops to our level so that we can take from his hand the free gift of life that He is offering, and we like a timid dog, unsure of the intentions behind this, slowly, ears down and back, take what we are given, but quickly retreat. What if after this, we are meant, thru the help of Christ, to work in our own cleansing before we can truly lay down our lives on God's alter. I guess I could ramble into a Calvinist/Arminian arguement, but I hate that arguement. It does do anyone any good. But I can't help think that there is something much deeper here.

While I'm not Arminian enough anymore to say that I have much of anything to do with my redemption; I'm not exactly Calvinist enough to say that free will is bunk. Should we atempt to cleanse ourselves before we lay down on the alter of God? Should we seek to be the clean sacrifices that He so richly deserves and demands? Were we clean from the first drop of Christ's blood? Maybe I'm over anaylizing again; I seem to be doing that a lot lately. But maybe, just maybe we're missing somthing. Maybe our Christian walk isn't as easy as we make it out to be. Maybe it's more a long distance trek, somthing we need to prepare for. I'm not done thinking about this. I could be coming from a completly backwards direction, and the only connection is in my rather deranged mind. Tell me what you think.
A.T.H.

I've been thinking about a lot of things since my last post. There's the Lewis that I'm reading, and the thoughts that he provokes. There are ideas that I want to write about, and I will eventually. There are so many things that I could probably write about, but last night on my drive back things where put on hold, as they often are, by a song. Music has long been my inspiration, and yesterday I came across lyrics and a melody that struck a strong chord in my heart. The spoke what I've been feeling in my soul lately and I felt the need to share them with you. So there's no philosophy, no literary comment, no life update, but more simply a cry of the heart put to music.

"I Need You"
by The Swift

My heart is restless in me
My wings are all worn out
I'm walking in the wilderness,
and I cannot get out.
I need you, oh I need you.
Blessed savior come.
I need you, oh I need you.
Fill the every longing of my soul.

Oh, how I need you Lord.
I need your perfect word.
With tearful eyes I see the sin that afford.
I need to weap and pray
for all the thousand ways
that I have failed you just today

My bed is soaked with sadness.
My sadness has no end,
a downward spiral of despair
that I keep falling in.
I need you, oh I need you.
to you my soul shall fly.
I need you, oh I need you.
Yahweh how I love you more than life.

Oh how I need you Lord
I need your perfect word
With tearful eyes I see the sin that I afford
I need to weap and pray
for all the thousand ways
that I have failed you just today

Your silence is like death to me
so won't you hear my desperate plea

Today my soul is soaring
way over mountians high
though I can see the valleys
there all just passing by
it's not that I am stronger
look at my feable wings
but I've been lifted higher
Yahweh's lifted me in His own strength

Oh how I love you Lord.
I love your perfect word
with tearful eyes to see the God, who always will endure.
Now I will celebrate
for all the thousand ways,
that you have shown me grace
And made my heart in grace to stay
make my heart in grace to stay
Lord make my heart in Grace to stay

I need you, Lord I need you...

A.T.H.

Somthing new and interesting...

Yesterday marked my baptism by first in to the music life of NPC. Kids Choir. Now I'm going to be honest here, not that I'm normally dishonest when I write here, but little kids worry me. I'm not comfortable around them at all, so putting me in the middle of of a group of about 40 of them is not exactly my ideal situation. I'm just not good with young kids, I'm not that good with older kids, but at least they won't start crying just because you looked at them. And no, I'm not making scary faces. I'm being very conscience about smiling, and not looking to serious. Maybe the facial hair throughs them off, I don't know. Yesterday went well, but it was still a rather uncomfortable hour for me. There was one little girl there, who didn't quite want to be there to begin with, but I don't think I helped the situation any. Whenever I would look over toward her and her mother, she'd bury herself even more into her mother's side. I eventually sent Kelly over to see if she could help at all, I knew that I was just aggravating the situation and a kinder looking face would probably help. I made myself as scarse as I could, and eventually the little girl, Lilly was her name, came and stood by Kelly's side untill the hour was up. So all was eventually well, no thanks to me. It was an interesting little time. I've got another little voice to teach if I want. I have three so far, but there all younger than I would like them to be. Hopefully after monday I'll have students more of an age that I like. It's hard to teach voice lessons to young kids because there voices haven't changed at all and there isn't much you can do since all of that training won't help them much after there voice has changed. But we'll see what happens with that. I'm heading back up to the Christian school on monday to work with the choir there so I should have a few students come out of that.
I found it very interesting yesterday, and a little scarry to be honest, how mature many of these kids sound. These were 1st to 5th graders, and I don't mean the cute kind of rote maturity that all little kids get after a while, but an actual maturity. Maybe maturity isn't the best word here. There was a display of expressions of mature disgust when name tags weren't found for returning kids. An attitude of impatience when answering questions that normally only comes after long hours of study or the power mindset of think you know much more than the person asking the question. This really disturbed me, most of the kids where really good don't get me wrong, but just seeing how the life style that their parents live was being instilled in them was upsetting. It was somthing I'm not used to, and while they were still kids they we're also more sullen, especially the guys, then at least I thing that they should be.
Over all things are going very well here, I just got paid so that brighten my day considerably. It rain here, something that it hasn't come close to doing since I started here over a week ago. The weather has been gorgeous, and I've been trying to enjoy as much of it as I can while it lasts. The leaves are starting to change, so the whole of Indiana can kiss my white behind. Any state that cuts down almost all of it's trees to level it off, plow it under, and grow miles and miles of corn instead has officially gone insane. I love Autumn. It's probably my favorite season, and I'm looking forward to spending my first autumn in five years one the east coast. If you've not seen it your missing out big time, and should plan to come visit. I suggest the mountains of Pennsylvania, but then I'm partial. I'm hopefully going to Yale tomorrow. There's going to be an open discussion on Faith and Justice, and I've heard that the Justice that the president has tapped might be there. I want to make it over there anyway but this would be to good of an opportunity to pass up. I'd also like to get into the city sometime this weekend. I've not been down since I got here, and it's past time I think. So...theres a lot on the plate today. I've got choir tonight, a jr. high choir to start up, and a voice lessons to plan are among the things I need to do or start today. I think it's going to be a good day, a long day ( I won't leave here until close to 10pm), but a good day. I pray that all of my friends out there are doing well, and I hope to hear from you soon. And I think, If I can work it out, I've got a proposition for you guys come Christmas time. Oh yeah, Combs is working on a plan...Booyah.
A.T.H.

Hiding

I'm hiding in a Starbucks right now. Darien, you must remember, is a commuter town for the lawyers, wall street traders, bankers, and business men of New York City. So...yeah I feel a little out of place, but that happens when you all most run into the Benz that rolls out in front of you. The people are pretty nice for the most part, at least the ones that I've meet so far. I feel out of place, but except for the difference in pay and the facts that most of the houses around here cost over half a million to start, it's really not that different. I came to starbucks to read and talk on the IM with my friends, but no one is on. I forgot that the friends that would be on are at school, and that it's saturday night. Kind of a sad thing. I went out last night with Elisebeth, her boyfriend, and Kelly. We went ot this trendy little Japanese resturant in South Norwalk, got some Cold Stone and then came back to E.B.'s and played some games. So I really didn't feel like (translation: I'm broke) going out again to night, but Starbucks seemed like a good escape. So I'm here continuing my reading. I've been fervently reading C.S. Lewis' "The Screwtape Letters." Definatly an interesting and enlightening read. Written from the perspective of a chief tempter to a juior tempter Lewis gives us a perspective of the otherside and what it looks like to the followers of Satan. There are some very interesting ideas about what it truly means to be a Christian and the tactics use by the enemy to keep us from reaching that point.
So I'm hiding in Starbucks. Reading. Feeling...I don't know how I feel right now. I'm kind of board, but not that board. I'm a little lonely, but not really. I'm just kind of in that in between state that I hate so much. I'm not enough of anything to be content with what's going on. At least if I was content I would know what the problem is, but as of right now I've got nothing. I'm really just looking for a good conversation with someone whose got the time to sit down and have one, but so far that person hasn't been found. I'm busy, everyone else is busy, so I'll be happy with reading blogs and responding. I really don't like the techological world. There's way to little human contact. But right now there's not much else I can do. I've been watching the people over my book and laptop as they come through they lines. Everyone ordering what they want. Decaf this, latte that, each absorbed in what there plans dictate for them. Some of them are my age, so high school age, some middle age. Alone, or in a group. One studying. I wonder if any of them are hiding like me.
So...I'm hiding in Starbucks. Hiding from what I'm not sure, but that's definatly what it feels like.
A.T.H.

Lifting a glass to new beginning

So I'm sitting here listening to Beethoven's Romance no. 2. If you've not heard it I strongly suggest that you look for it. Hear it, but more importantly feel it. Beethoven's music is not simply to be heard, to truly understand and appreciate his genius you must feel his music in your very being. Otherwise it's pointless, and simply aesthetically pleasing. But that's not the point here. I'm sitting here, spending a few quite moments taking it all in. This is the last night that I'll be spending at this house for sometime to come. This marks the beging of a new life for me. Tomorrow I move to Connecticut to start my intership. I know what your saying, so what, for the past five years you've packed up for this same weekend and moved back to school, but it's different this time. There's a permanace to it this time that wasn't there before. That was school, that was familar and safe. This is a job, the chance of a life time, my first test as a college graduate. This is the point by which the rest of my life will be measured. Not in the sense failure or success, but rather how far I will go and the opportunities that I will have. This is my chance to set out and be the person I want to be, now is the time to change.

For five years I was a college student, unstable, imbalanced, yet solely focused on achieving my degree. Now, my focus has changed, though to exactly what I'm not sure. But as my parents reminded me earlier, as long as my focuse is truth I'll not have a problem. Right now the goal seems to be money, to a point, I've never been comfortable with that but bills need to be paid, self-improvement through whatever means are available, having some fun (it's New York for pete's sake), and of course planing the next step. The next step being grad school and the mission field, whether they come one after the other or both at the same time.

So right now the butterflies are going to make it hard to sleep, but tomorrow excitement will step in and take control. I'll say goodbye to my mom, and drive to my new home, my new job, and my new life. I've been give the chance of a life time, and I pray to my gracious Father above that I'll make the best of it. So would you lift a glass with me, as we listen to Vaughn Williams Fantasia on a theme by Thomas Tallis, and toast my new life. May you be as rewarding as my previous life.
A.T.H.

Sometimes the Heart Cries…

The howling whirl wind with hurricane force
Drives me from all that which should be mine
Once thought sacrosanct, my very thought
Has turned to memory and even now seems like
Someone else’s story, from someone else’s time

The mind cannot be trusted to know black from white
So with animal instinct the mind is discarded
Trust moving like a misfit from organ to organ
Lost it seems, if only for a moment
Confusion is king here and his mistress is the heart

A mistress cold and warm, filled with grief and love
She finds comfort in the solace of knowledge
Knowledge not of books and the minds philosophy
But in the intent of purpose, the stoicalness of freedom
What the heart knows can only be known through confusion

Confusion comes now in the form of emotion
The mind speaks in words, but the heart in action
Through anger the heart bleeds
Through love the heart rejoices
Through emotion the heart is moved to more than ideal

And sometimes the heart cries
Through pain and lament the heart is changed
And this mistress takes on the gown of the widow
Clothed in black she hides away her crumbling form
And speaks to no one, but with tears

A.T.H.

social commentary

I've gotten in to the habit of blog hopping. Some of them have been my friends and some of them are mere acquaintances. But one difference that I've noticed is a lack of social commentary on my part. This may lead to the thought that I'm not concerned with social concerns or society in general. This just isn't so. I am a student of society, an anthropologist of sorts. I like to know what make people tick, and in doing so I must also study society. While never impressed with it, I am normally intrigued by pop culture and the fads that seem to advance it, if it can be called advancement. But these aren't real social concerns are they? These are a just the movements of a pampered, infant culture that indulges itself in what it thinks is its most deserved and self-earned power, but I digress. There are of course more pressing social concerns, some would say the war in Iraq, others would say the removal of Israeli citizens from the Gaza Strip. Still more would speak of racism throughout the world., or the situation of the Indian Dalit people. Needless to say there are countless causes, not including the Miss Universe answers of ending world hunger and bringing about world peace. So why pick one?
We tend to argue over which one is better, and who is right. We write out treatises in the hopes that other will be so conviced that they mobilize into some sort of action. Even worse is what happens in the, and please excuse me for useing this cliche, "Christian sector." We have a propensity to over socialize the gospel. I say over socialize here simply meaning that the mandate of Christ comes with a certian social aspect. We are to 'Love your neighbour as yourself.' Other passage blatently state that there will be rewards for those who care for the helpless, or even that heaven may not be obtainable without helping them. Matthew 25:31-46 explicitly states that there will be a seperation between those who have done and those who have not done. Those who are considered the goats, those who are unrighteous and and not helped the helpless, sent away eventhough they do not understand how they failed. They are sent away from God forever. But again, I said over socialize. I sometimes think that we can get so caught up in our need to satisfy this social gospel that we forget why we are to do it. We as a church get caught in our fights over social issues like allowing homosexuals to be clergy or even apart of our congregation. I'm not here to argue this point so I'll withhold my thoughts on the issue. We waste so much time arguing and writing about these things. Personally I'm done with it. We are to love, and be love for those around us.
I cringe at the thought of war. I weep for those in Gaza who could not live peacefully with each other. I am moved to action for the Dalit denied the basic human dignity. I choose to love the homosexual. So social concerns...we write on them to make people aware of the situation, but it really doesn't do much good. At IWU we were taught, or at least it was jamed into our heads, to be world changers. I've adapted this a little bit. I define it as my world, the people in my area, the ones I come in contact with on a daily basis. I can't change the world. I can't change anyones mind. The first is something only God can do, and if he chooses to change the small portion I'll come in contact with in my sort life I am both honoured and willing to be used. The second is harder. Only the individual can change his mind. I can make my arguements, but in the end it is not my choise as to what you believe. I may write on some social issue later on, but it's not to provoke thought, not to bring light to a particular situation, or to move you to action. I have no reason so call anyone into action but myself. Provoke yourself, do not be provoked. I deal in philosophy for a reason. I only seek to stimulate the mind, my mind normally. If you come along for the ride that's fine too. I like it when I travel with people.
A.T.H.

Life as I know it...

...so I've been sitting here catching up on the lives of at least some of my friends by reading their various blogs. Liz, my great Canadian missonary friend, is currently in Japan teaching English. I knew that this was happening before tonight but hadn't heard anything from her in a while. My friend Josh Morton seems to be obsessed with the so-called social norm. He mentions Starbucks, a favorite haunt of mine, and lemon flavored or an flavor of water. I know that he's just being sarcastic in his responce to another blog, but I like to play ignorant from time to time just to provoke him. Not that anything here would be overly provoking.
I ended up remembering that I've not writen in a while and that the last time I wrote I promised to write about somthing else. My sincerest apologies to Amy, I'll get back to it at some point. My thoughts on the book of Ephesians are scattered at best and I am still left with many more questions that I simply havn't had time to think about. One question in particular relates to the philosophical question of reality. I had made a statement relating my thoughts on the spiritual nature of the book. Ephesians is where you find the passage "For we wrestle not against flesh and blood, but against principalities, against powers, against the rulers of the darkness of this world, against spiritual wickedness in high places." This passage should be familar to the guys in my chorale. I really think that this is the crux of the entire letter, and it is important to remember that when reading the rest of the letter. The letter is full of referances to the higher powers at work in the world, and the importance on being united against them. I don't quiet remember what I said, but I'm sure I made some distinction or some reference to there being a "real" world and a "spiritual" one. To this my professor wisly reminded me that Paul may not have seen a distinction between the two. I can, and probably should, get into this topic a little more, but I'll do that a little later on. As you can imagine there are streams of questions flowing from this, and personally I've yet to formulate an adequate response. So I hope that gets you started, and hopfully I'll beable to respond to this further at a later time.
On a happy note, not that anything so far has been unhappy, I'm done with my summer traveling. That's right, no more long car rides, no more 24 hour follies, praise the Lord I'm done. This last trip was extremly fruitful, I am now gratefully employed. I'm taking the internship position in CT, and am every excited about it. That's actually where I was this past weekend. I visited, I sang, I enjoyed myself, and became ever increasingly impressed if not a bit intimidated by the area and sheer quality of the music that they do there. It was amazingly impressive, and I'm going to greatly enjoy my time there.
I've also watched two movies in the past couple of days, The Godfather and Sin City. Now the Godfather I've seen before. It's a great peice of cinema, and I was in the mood for something manly and not necessarily thought provoking. Sin City, is a great new addition to the Film Noir genre. If you've never seen anything from this genre, the quintessential film noir is dark in its cinematography with an equally dark plot, filled with antiheros and people you would love to hate if you didn't feel so sorry of them. It's understandly why I like them so much. Sin City is a great peice of work, and if you can stand a good bit of blood, bad language, a little nudity, and some scantily clad women, then you might want to pick this one up. It's not for the faint of heart and if you're looking for somthing light hearted this definatly isn't the film for you, but if your like me and you want to explore the seedy underbelly of human existance than this movie is for you. But don't take my word for it. (que reading rainbow outro)
So there you have it. I've pretty much summed everything that's not overly personal in my life right now. There is still the Ephesian question left to ponder, and life goes on, as it normally does. So I'll leave you with the immortal words of Dr. Suzano...more to come!
A.T.H.

Simple Memories

I recieved something today that I've been waiting for for a long time. My copy of the pictures and dvd that steve was sending everyone from my New Zealand team. I had time, or rather I made time, to sit down and look at all of them. I laughed, I cried, I got staired at by my mom as I tried to explain some of what was going on. I was increasingly suprised to find all of the details that I remembered. I know that it wasn't that long ago but still memories fade and things get fuzzy, there's nothing odd or wrong about that it's just the way it is. But as I sat and watched those images flashing before my eyes, I could remember every detail, every impression, every emotion attached to the image on the screen. I remembered being freaked out of my mind at that first friday night meeting with the Tongan youth. We all had been caught by surprise, what do you do when you just find out that you and your group are incharge of the next hour or so, and that they are looking forward to the service that we've prepared. Prepared? Did you prepare anything? I didn't prepare anything, I mean my guitar is in the van. I didn't think that we'd need it. Oh nutz!
I remembered everything. It was a wonderful thing, just to sit and remember somthing so vividly. The pictures definatly helped. They allowed me to put faces to the names that I've been telling my family. It was just a great time for me if no one else. It put a smile on my face. I remembered again how badly I want to go back someday. I remembered the smiles on my friends faces, and I heard their laughter. Sometimes all you need is a picture to spark a memory, and sometimes all you need is a memory.
Between that and my contued research into the book of Ephesians, which is bring about as many questions as answers. I'll probably write about this later on, I need to coalesce my thoughts and formulate some actual questions before I do that. My questions right now just have a lot to do with the evidence and the idiosyncrasies that come up between the data. I love history. No matter who you'll ask, you'll never get the same answer twice. I was this close to becomeing a historian, but I like being outside to much. Anyway, I need to sleep. More on the history of Ephesus to come.
A.T.H.

To my dear sweet anonymous commenter

I have many friends, and while I make it my business to discern from them their emotions both towards me and towards daily life...I'm not always as discerning as I like to think that I am. It is possible then that someone I don't know very well harbors feelings for me and that I am unaware of them. Though I like to think that I would be observant enough to notice that, or that that person would make themselves known to me.
Now, before I over step my bounds and out rightly assume that you are such a person, let me set at least one thing straight. I am happy being single. My confusion that I talked about in my last blog is simply my inability to reconcile that feeling with the strong feelings that I still hold for one of my dearest friends. That's really all that it is. I write things down to get them out and into the air. It helps me understand what I'm thinking and how I feel if I write them down. So, my anonymous commenter, if you are the person you write about just keep in touch, write to me, tell me what your up to. If your not, thanks for responding. I don't mean to sound down and out, maybe just melancholic. You too should keep in touch, not everything I write about is so confusing and melancholic in nature. At least I don't intend it to be.
A.T.H.

Lifting the Veil

Slow, ever so slowly, the confusion is lifting. The past couple days have been...weird, I guess that would be the word for it. Whether it all stems from being tired, I don't know, but I has been almost impossible to gather my thoughts and put together one coherent thought. I've been doing a lot of writing on the side to help. I've written song lyrics, though I haven't looked at them yet and I'm not sure there any good. I've written a letter, or at least part of it. The letter is probably the most confusing of all my rantings and scribblings. Letters have recipients, and I'm not sure who this one is too. It's possible that it's for the person whose name I've placed at the top, but then again it's very possible that the letter is for me and will never be sent. It's something I'll only know when I've finished it, and even then if it's for the person whose name stands at the top of the page it still may not be sent. So...Some of the confusion is lifting, but much of it is still veiling my eyes.
So much of my life right now is like that though. I guess I should be getting used to it by now, but there is just something about it, call it human fear of the unknown, that prohibits me from becoming comfortable with my current situation. Again maybe this is just a divine set up, a movement in providence, an unveiling of sorts to reveal to my sight the kind of awkward, blinded existence that I'm stepping into. I don't want this to sound like I'm surprised, shocked, or even caught off guard by this. I know full well, as I believe any thinking person would, that life is full of surprises, of veiled emotion, and caution movement forward. I still plan, and hopefully even now, to live boldly. To step out when it seems hard, and I guess that this is where my problems lies. In one sense I want to step out, I want to live boldly and say the things I feel I need to say, but in another sense...I've known for a long time, though my friends will attest that I don't always act this way, that prudence is often then best course of action. Sometimes you just need to know when to keep your mouth shut, and live like nothing is bothering you at all.
So what is to be done? I know that this has been rather ambiguous, and I do apologize for that, but I just don't think that laying the full story on the line right now, especially with the way I feel is the best gambit to be played. So...Now what? I think that I'll finish that letter first and see what happens next.
A.T.H.

Tired...and there's a reason.

I've come the the conclusion that I'm no longer going insane. I think I've reached my destination at least half a year ago, and I'm finally realizing it. I managed to make it to Nate and Maria's wedding, but I was dumb enough to do it in one day. Up at four, on the road by five, Eau Claire by 1:30, wedding at 2:30, reception till 7:30, home again home again by four. It was a great day, though I don't want to do that again anytime soon. But it all had to be done, to meet up with everyone on monday, and by everyone I mean Erica in particular. I wish I wouldn't have been as tired, but I guess that's was I had to give to get there. I was great to see her again, I just wish that we would have more time to talk. I was just so tired from the day before that I couldn't think straight for most of the day, and by the time I felt better it was just about time for us to part ways again. I don't know when I'll see her again, and all I really could think about today was the next time we'd meet. So with a hug we said good bye again, to be honest I didn't want to say good bye. I didn't want to let go, and it took a lot just to walk away. I don't know...I'm tired. I'm going to bed.

On the Road Again...

In the past four days I managed put another thousand miles on my odometer. I was out in Ohio for the wedding of one of the greatest friends it has been my privilage to come to know. It was a good trip, though to be completly honest I really had no desire to do any more traveling, but it was good all the same. I got to see a lot of friends that I haven't seen in years, it really was great. I even ended up in Marion, and will most likely be headed back there for a few more days in the next couple of weeks.
Needless to say I spent a lot of time by myself, in a rather confined space, moving at a rather fast pace, and we all knows that this little equation normally equals out to Aaron thinking about a lot of the things that were on his mind. All of this happened, and I had a lot of really interesting things rolling through my mind. Unfortunately, I can't really remember much of it. There was a lot of life, a lot of realizations, things that I noticed for the first time in myself (good and bad). For all my talk about being happy being single, I finally found it being second nature this past weekend. I said it, and meant it. It was almost a shock to me, somthing I never though I would do.
So I really don't have much to say right now. I'm still mulling over a lot of what I thought about. Still running some of those scenarios through the rational side of my mind, weeding out out the things that just are not right, or just way to far fetched to ever really happen. So...If you read this and are wondering what the crap is going on...Sorry, theres no point to this one. I'm just clearing the air, creating a tabula rasa of sorts. So, we'll start fresh on a new day. Just not today.
A.T.H.

The Life Unexpected

There's no philosophy tonight, just simple amazment. This morning I recieved a call from Erica. It was nice to talk to her, nice to hear her voice. To be honest I was worried that somthing was rather wrong. She had been trying to reach me on my cell and I was in the shower, when I caught the message she said she really needed to talk to me, which in my analytical mind translated as trouble. So I was slightly worried. I say slightly because I've reached a point in my life where I know right away the things I can and cannot do somthing about, and this was obviously somthing I couldn't do much about, so worried but only slightly worried. Like I said the conversation was nice, very refreashing and unexpected. To be honest it kind of set the mood for the rest of my day. I seemed lighter on my feet today, and while I've been anything but melancholic the past few weeks, things where just different today. Not much else happened. I picked up around the house, went to Walmart, had my mom add to the list of things she thinks I should do before I what I'm not sure. I'd say before I grow up, but I'm afraid that happened along time ago and an immaturity on my part can be attributed to a simple regression of my state of mind. (Though I normally enjoy it thoroughly) I've been blindsided a good bit today. Calls from Viet Nam that were fervently trying to get a hold of me, finding somthing called "Coke Zero" (if you see this and don't like Diet Coke, just ignore it. They just renamed Diet Coke), Rereading old email and seeing things I'd not read before, or at least not in the way that I read them this time around. But there's no heavy thinking tonight, I'm tired and don't really want to think on them. So the moral of the story is this, even when life is slow it comes at you fast, and in many cases rather unexpectedly.
A.T.H.

So...Now What?

Ok, so...now what? It's a question that I've heard a lot over the past 5 years of school, and especially now since I've left. Every Sunday I'm at church I have at least five or six people ask me the question right after they've asked me how it feels now that I'm graduated. Personally I've asked myself that particular question every day I've been back in this country. It's at this point that my dreams kick in and I pick on and go with it. I don't think that I've given the same answer to any two people I've talked to so far. Heck, I don't even give myself the same answer. I've really been considering the possibility of packing up my gear and heading out into the woods for a few days. Maybe hike some of the Appalachian trail. I've got things that might happen in the future, things to work toward, to strive for, but nothing for right now. I've been kind of just sitting around, doing some work around the house, reading, playing video games, watching movies and tv, and waiting for my car to be fixed (which it is by the way), and trying to find a job. Since the last one on the list hasn't worked out so far, I've been doing a good bit of the other ones. Frankly, some of the stuff is really wearing thin. In anycase, I'm just going to keep going at things. If I find some work that woudl be great, if not...oh well. I'll know if I'll have that internship in a few weeks and if I don't get it I can move forward appropriatly. I'm not sure what that move would be, probably a year or so with GEM, Greater European Missions. I've been talking with them the past semmester, and they seem pretty interested in me, but I need to wait on that until I hear about the internship. So...now what? I'm back to that question. I'm starting to thing that my answer for now is just to wait and enjoy the time that I have to relax and just be where I am for the time being. I keep talking about not having a home, and moving around a lot, you know the "foxes have dens" things, but now that I have time to just be where I am I think of it more as wasting time and being stuck. If there is one thing that school taught me it was to be active, and the inactivity of the past few weeks has had me on edge more than anything, but maybe that's the point. Maybe I need to, just for a while, be somewhere and not have somthing to do or a dead line to meet. So...now what? Come what may, even if I just have to wait for a while.
A.T.H.

20/20 vision

I know that this isn't somthing that is new for anyone, but as I've noticed it is somthing that constantly sneaks up on us, or me in anycase. As humans we have the innate ability to walk our live almost completely backwards. Every once and a while we get to turn around and actually see where we are going, but for the vast majority of the time we walk backwards. We strive to see the future as clearly as we see the past. It is something that all of us are taken by to one degree or another. Whether we just have a little laugh at the comical fortune in our fortuue cookie, seek out the help of a medium or a psychic (though I don't endorse or suggest this), or read the apocalyptic passages or books in our religious texts. The great success of Tim Lahaye and Jerry Jenkins' series based on an interpretation of the Biblical texts of the Revelation of St. John. For centuries we have been desperatly trying to know what our future is. You might say that we are obsessed with it. It permeates our liturature in texts like H.G. Wells' "The Time Machine", or our films like the success of the Terminator trilogy, the Matrix trilogy, or any number of films set in the future.
On a side note, I don't believe that it is possible to truly know the future. I don't believe that mediums who commune with the dead, or psychics who claim to know the future are...for lack of a better term, for real. I think it's all bunk. I believe that the only one who knows our future is God, and he isn't always forth comming with it, except for what we absolutly need to know so that we can be prepared for it. As for the writings of Mr. Lahaye and Mr. jenkins...I don't necissarily believe that that particular interpretation of the Scripture is correct, though it does provide for a good story line. I'm not saying that they are wrong and that I'm right. We both have done research, though they have, I believe, done a good amount more that I have. I have found holes in their theology, and simply cannot except it whole hartedly as my own. If you disagree with me, that's fine, we don't have to believe exactly the same thing.
So we're obsessed with the future, why? I'm starting to believe that we are so obsessed because we can see the past so clearly. As obscured as our future is, our past opens up to us a sense of pattern, chance that wasn't so much chance, and every once and awhile, purpose. This is really my reason for writing late into this night. When we finally sit down and look into our past, if we are truthful, I believe that all of us will see a design to our lives. It's the same with any rug or tapestry ever weaved. If you sit on the strand as it is being woving you will never see you purpose, even when you look around you. You would see the other strands, but nothing makes sense. You look ahead of you, but there is no connection. But turn around and before you opens up a colorful peice of fabric, and suddenly you understand. You can see in what way you fit into the pattern, you see the pattern. We say that we can learn from the past, which implies that at least some of what we know, can be use to protect us from our future, or at least from repeating the our past mistakes.
I was thinking tonight about what this past year has given me, what I've learned, what I've grasped, and the things that still seem to escape me. If you know me at all you know that this time last year and most of the way through the year I would not have said that I wanted to be there or that I thought that I had a reason to be there beyond finishing up my requirments. But as I sat in my brothers car to night I started to realize some of those reasons. If I hadn't come back for a 5th year I would have never gone to New Zealand and spent two of the best weeks of my life with a wonderful group of people that I did not know until this past year. I never would have had my conversations with Cami, my 'freshmen' friend. I never would have met Andrea, a blessing of a women, who it has been my privilage and joy to get to know. Phill and Steph, Phil G., Steve, Stephen, everybody. I've grown in this past year. I've learned to commite to things in such a way that I've never done before. I was able to keep in touch and deepen my relationship with Erica. I learned new things, bettered my grades, and convinced myself of what I can do, and what I'm willing to do anyway. I'm a new man, recreated again and again by the forger and founder who first created me. Every email I send out is stamped with the same lyrics, the last chorus of Bebo Norman's The Hammer Holds, and I think it would be appropriate to stamp it here.
"So dream a little, dream for me in hopes that I'll remain
And cry a little cry for me so I can bear the pain
And hurt a little hurt for me, my future is so bold
But my dreams are not the issue here, for they the hammer hold
This task before me may seem unclear, but it, my Maker holds"
Once again I look back, and at least chose to see the pattern in it. Maybe you don't believe that the pattern is so obvious in your own life, but if you havn't yet turned around maybe you should. The pattern is there. It is there because the designer is there.
A.T.H.

The good things in life

When we hear that phrase we so often think of things we would consider extraordinary, but what about the small things that happen everyday that we so often miss? Today, someone from church gave me a car, and said use it as long as you need it. Others told me how glad they were that I'm home for a while, and wondered how I managed to make it up front today but didn't manage to sing, people I don't even know. I got to see a lot of my old friends and got the chance to have lunch with them. It was a gorgeous day, and I ended up having a lot of fun. So, life is good, yes? I guess it depends what you consider a good life. I consider it good, though from time to time it's a little boring, but not all of life can be exciting right? Even on the trail you have to walk through a lot of forest to get to somthing really spectacular. Even the trail can be mundain after you've been on it for a while. But so what.
I've often looked down at people who I think are over spiritualizing there life. Maybe I should start this by saying that in my theology I believe that we are responsible for many things in life. True I often confess to be a Calvinist but...God created us to be intellegent, rational, movable creatures, and pardon me if I believe that he expects me to use it from time to time. It's a fine line that I walk, but I believe that by constantly making decisions, and choseing to live for his will and pleasure that I will find it no matter which way I decide. So obviously I believe anyone who believes that God told you directly to do somthing, especially somthing like marrying some one, should be taken with a grain of salt. I don't believe that we should wait around for God to answer all of our questions and make all of our decisions. It just does not make sense to me to sit and pine away doing this. I say that it is a fine line that I walk, because I also believe that I should wait for God to answer me and show me the way in some cases. I know that I probably just said the most ludicrous things you've ever heard, but it works in my mind. I'm one always looking for a balance in life, in my life especially. I truly believe that God allows us to make dicisions on our own, but I also believe that He reveals his will to us on certain occasions when there is no other way or He choses to do so.
So what was all this about? For a long time I placed relationships in the catagory of, God will provide, but now I'm not so sure. I'm not totally in the camp of "it's completly up to me" either. I think that this may even create a new catagory of working together. I still believe that God will bring the people into my life that need to come into my life, but it maybe up to me to explore those relationships and find out who fits where.
Am I saying this, becuase I've found that particular someone I've long sought? Frankly, no. I may have meet her, or she may still be out there, but for now...it needs to be just the two of us, God and me that is. It's not that I believe that I'm not ready, of course I think that I'm ready, but...there needs to be more time where I just settle in with my heavenly father and learn. I need to be prepared to spend the rest of my life on my own, and I would rather do that than chase shadows. I'm actually fine with being single, I like it. I can make the decisions I need to make, and have them effect only me. I like being able to pick up at litterally a moments notice and leave, and not know exactly what is out there for me.
So other than the rather personal retort at the end, what do you think? Can there be a balance? Are we the rational, intellegent beings (though often I think we don't use it) that I've made us out to be? Are we expected to use it? Or should we all be ultra-Calvanist and wait for God to releave every part of our lives to us? Is there really anything like special revelation or do we just experience it on a daily basis and not realize it? I'd love to hear your thoughts on this.
A.T.H.

Ok, here's the thing.

Well, It's late...again. Though not as late as before. So I sit here, semi watching t.v., a past-time which to be honest bores me greatly, but every once and a while there's somthing pretty decent on. currently Dances With Wolves is on. I'd write on somthing different but my situation stays the same. Nothing changes not yet anyway. I was going ot go out today, but everyone left before I had a chance to ask for a car, and so I spent the day here at the house. It's fliping hot out side already and I really wasn't prepared to walk anywhere I really wanted to go. I really hope my car is fixed soon. It's kind of hard to look for a job when you have no car, and there is only so much you can do over the phone. I did mow the lawn, or at least the back yard. Dad and I split the responsiblity so it didn't take very long, but it was nice just to do somthing other than read, watch t.v., play video games, or watch movies. I like the time I have to relax, don't get me wrong. I've longed for it for so long, but I'd like to beable to do a few of the things that I like to do as well, or find a job. I'd love the chance to go to Gettysburg and hike the battlefield, or take a trip down to Cuttingham falls and hike there along the stream, or really anything but sit around here. But sit here I do, and I'll be happy for the time of stillness. It's something that I've grown very unaccustomed to being at school. I had to learn what it was in North Dakota last summer, and I have to relearn it now in PA. I think, that God is using these times of uncomfort to teach me lessons that I will need for my future. I say this with only half a heavy heart. I know that in the coming years I will find myself alone a good deal of the time, and while I don't like the prospect of this I don't believe that it is somthing that I'll beable to avoid. Before this sounds like the depressive ramblings of a hopelessly single guy...I'm glad to be single. I need to be free to make the decisions that I need to make in the next few months, and know that what I'm looking to do would not be such an easy thing if I'm "attached." While I don't think that being "attached" would keep me from these things, in fact there isn't much that could, I don't think it's fair to ask anyone to be apart of my no home, moving every so often, never knowing where I might be going, kind of life. Now I could be wrong, and there is someone out there who would want to do this with me, but for now...I'll do it on my own. So...I need somthing to do, but I'm glad I don't at the moment...I'm board, I've got stuff...welcome to my crazy, mixed up, so called life. again for those who know me...no big suprise.
A.T.H.

So when do I leave

So I'm sitting here...thinking about things...mostly because I've nothing else to do. I don't really like being here in Pennsylvania. I don't entirely know why. For a long time I've felt that I don't belong here, and everytime I come back I get the feeling even stronger than before. It's like I should have found a way not to come back. I never feel effective when I'm here. I don't like to feel this way, I try very hard not to feel this way, but still I do. I want this to be time when I feel safe and comfortable, like a home should. I know part of my problem is that I'm lonely. The majority of the people I knew from here either arn't here anymore or I've lost contact with them for any number of reasons long ago. I've decided that this time what I really need is just somthing to do. I'll be here for at least the summer, and hopfully not much longer. So I just need to find some summer work to get me out of the house for a couple of weeks. I say a couple of weeks because then I start traveling again. I've got several weddings to go to, family vacation, maybe Creation fest for at least a few days, and that could be it. Mostly likely that'll be it. But for now I'm stuck here.
I say stuck here, and mean it in the litteral sense, because as of friday afternoon my car is not drivable. I was in my first accident on friday. I didn't hit anyone, and I'm fine. The it was raining, as it had been most of the day, and if you've never seen hanover on a friday afternoon let me just tell you, I think the entirity of northern Maryland comes up here to do there weekend shoping. It's a mad house anywhere in Hanover, but south Hanover on a friday afternoon make be cringe. So, I'm driving and random person infrount of me decides to slam their breaks on and of course forcing me to as well. My wheels lock up, and in trying to avoid the person in frount of me I jerk the wheel. Of course as I do this my wheels come unlocked, find the only dry spot on the road and jerk me right into the curb. I've got a bent axle for sure, which means my car is in bad need of repair, and I'm am stuck here. The good thing is that everything is taken of and the car will begin to be fixed on monday. I'm not hurt. This is the only accident that I've been in, that I was driving in any case. I've decided that neither I nor my car like being in PA for very long. If you'll remember the last time I was here my car snaped it's timing belt. I can learn to drive and not have a problem in New Zealand, but I get back here and things just go to pot. Oh well.
So yeah, I'm kind of down right now. I'm board, lonely, and in a place I no longer feel like I belong. There's a lot more I could write about, but it's going to have to go into my journal. It's just a bit too personal to put on here. So...if you're the praying kind of person, I think there's enough in here to keep you busy. I just need something really good to happen to me. I'm not the kind of person to live in the past, and my road trip and New Zealand are in the past. I'm hoping that those things will come back around, but for now...I'm here. Not everything can be exciting, somthings have to be mundain. I'm just not used to this type of mundain. School mundain yes...PA mundain, no. Anyway, It's time to go. Bed time has come, and I should try to do that. I think that the jet-lag is just about gone.
A.T.H.

If anyone has any Idea what this is I would really like to know. It's not a beaver, the tail is wrong.