The trouble with IM...

I've come to the conclusion that I really don't like IM. It's been my main mode of keeping in touch with people since I left school, but honestly I've really just had enough. I feel dehumanized when I'm on it. I feel like I've become at best a disembodied voice that pops every now and then, and annoyingly asks what you're up too. "Talking" over IM just takes so much out of a conversation. You miss the inflection of the voice that makes somthing a joke instead of a serious comment, or in my case the biting edge the lets you know I'm just being sarcastic, (I dare you to guess which is more important to me). It's just that I love conversations, and while IM is acceptable, and for all intesive purposes necessary, it just doesn't match up to the human interaction that you get through a good conversation. Moreover, there are just certain things that I want to say, but don't feel right saying them online, over IM. The same thing applies here, because you can't see the other persons reaction, can't hear the inflection in their voice, and because the can't perceive the way in which you say somthing it just won't sound the same to them as you may have intended it.

There are just certain things that you want to hear instead of read, not because of the words, but because of the way they are said. If you were to tell someone that you love them or even just like them, and actually let them hear the words, they would understand the truth behind them, or the lie if your being false. But simply to type out the words, I love you. The response changes, or you don't know how to respond, for that matter, why should you respond. You can just get up and walk away, close the window, say you had computer problems. It's easy to ignore a conversation online, you don't have to commite yourself to it. You can get up and walk around, go find a cup of coffee, get somthing to eat, or continue watching whatever you were watching on t.v. Maybe you're different, but I never feel the compuction to fully engage in a conversation online that I would feel when I'm looking directly into the face of the person talking. Honestly the disconnect that I do feel is rather disturbing.

The content of the conversations seem different as well, possibly because if neither participant is obliged to engage in the conversation, there's no need to talk about anything above the trivial. Opening questions of how a day has gone cease to be openings and instead become the conversation. There's no awkward silence to fill, because there is no awkward silence. You just move on to the next conversation, or switch back to watching t.v., or playing your game, or what ever else you were doing before you just happened to start a conversation with someone else.

I just feel at a loss with it it all. People I want to get to know better, I can't becuase I'm stuck with small talk conversations that even I can't force myself out of. I want to know more about the people I talk to, but find myself stalled by a lack of questions, and a perseived lack of interest on the otherside. I'm not being accusatory here, I know that almost all of this in on me. My mind runs wild like it always does, and I begin to believe things that I only percieve to be true whether they are or not. It's the eccentric musician in me I guess, we can't all me normal now can we. In all honesty I'm stuck. As much as I dislike it, I won't stop using IM. I don't really have a choice. I'm just tired of it. I'm tired to conversations that don't lead to much of anything but disapointment. I'm tired of asking all of the questions. I'm tired of starting the majority of the conversations. Maybe I've gone too far with that last statement, but it does feel like it.

When you've think, like I do, that you'll spend much of your life on the road, moving from place to place, country to country, never really having a home you tend to feel that at the very least that you should hold on to the friendships that I have, to strengthen them, pursue them. Relationship do one of two things, they grow or they die. It's a harsh reality and you may not agree with me right now, but I've not come by this conclusion lightly. It's been a hard lesson that I've hated to learn, and it is the driving reason behind my seriousness now. I don't like that my friends are spread across the country and the world, I don't like that the person I have an interest in lives in another country, but I live, work, worship, and strive through things that I don't like. When you tell yourself somthing enough times, eventually you believe it no matter what it is. It's a simple equation of mind over matter, but even with that I've never convinced myself that I can go it alone. I don't want too. In fact I never want to believe that I can go it alone, and so I hang on desperatly to the what I have.

I want to leave on a happy note. This whole thing has been rather melancholic. Things are well for the most part. I'm busy, work most days, and practices most nights. It's a good life. It's my life, and while I'm always trying to find ways to better it, I really wouldn't trade it for anything.
A.T.H.