Recovering...

There's a silence so deep that it' can be felt in the core of your being. Where you hold your breath at the risk of disturbing it. That moment between the conductor's baton click and the first note lasts an eternity. The anticipation of what's to come can stop your heart in that moment, then release you. Release you from all that encumbers you. In that moment, life is perfect. At least I think so...

I saw the movie the soloist yesterday...well, Friday...I guess it's already Sunday as I type this. It wasn't what I thought it would be. It was a movie about a relationship, and one that in itself would make you feel good at the end. What I didn't expect was that it's a movie about belief. About a man who didn't believe anything, a man without passion, who was change by a man who believed so hard in one thing, believing that, as the movie stated, if all else failed that it "would carry him home." That's all I really have to say about it now, which i guess is nothing. It's a major statement, it moved me, I was moved by it, but now...life goes on.

I'm really tired right now, but I just feel that I need to get some more out before I crash. So tired. I've not been sleeping well lately. I get to the point where I should be sleeping and I either stay up for some reason, usually not a good reason either, or at the moment I'm about to fall asleep a thought will pop into my mind and keep me up. To be honest it's normally people who keep me up. They don't do it on purpose, and I'm sure if they knew they would remove themselves from my thoughts so I could get a bit of restful sleep.

I'm going through a bit of an identity crisis right now. It's hard for me say that. I'm going through a bit of an identity crisis right now. I think that I've been trying to find myself in the wrong things. In people who really don't have any weight in my life. Only one of them in fact would I actually say that I cared about what she thought of me. My stomach is doing somersaults right now just by writing this, as if I was telling this to her face. Words are starting to fail me right now...Without knowing it I've placed the value of my existence in her opinion of me. I can't do that. It's fruitless to begin with, that one. And it's not just her, there are several people lately that I've placed a lot on what we do together, where we go, how much time we spend with each other. I've seemingly given my purpose to people who neither want it or deserve it for that matter. I'm not even sure when I started doing this. I mean, I've always wondered what my friends really think of me, who I am to them, that sort of thing, but I've at least always known that my reason for being doesn't rest on them. I'm still me after they're gone, just like I was me before they were there. I don't understand how this happened. The one I know, but the rest...it doesn't make sense.

I sometimes get the feeling that I want to sever all ties. Start over. I'm not saying it's a smart idea, and I'm sure there are some people out there who would say that I've done that already. That maybe that would be easier. Just cut everything off, leave or stay, and just start my relationship over again. That maybe the ones I have are too complicated, too hard, not really worth it. clean sweep...no. That wouldn't be good. it's a bad idea, and I'd never be able to pull it off anyway.

I don't know why I have the feeling that a boulder is about to drop on my head. That one last piece of information that comes and destroys the fantasy that you've created. I'm just tired I guess. I mean even if the one that I'm thinking of did happen, life would continue. Saving grace I guess. Life goes on. We continue existing, we continue moving. I mean in the end I don't believe that this is everything. I get hung up on it all the time, but this is not the end all be all. I had a conversation back in January I think, it been a while and I don't remember when it was. Before I moved in with Ben, but that doesn't mean anything to anybody but me. I was siting in one of my local coffee shops...yes I said one of, I have three that I frequent...no one should be surprised. I was still there with a cup of tea, reading Mear Christianity...which has no basis to the story unless the gentlemen who sat down at my table noticed what I was reading before he sat. He asked me if he could sit, and I said yes, the place being pack with high schoolers and college students, and me having a table to myself. We quickly struck up a conversation. He was an older gentlemen, retired lawyer actually. It was a long conversation about right and wrong, afterlife or no afterlife. world conspiracies, and the ridiculousness of life. The man was a bit of a nihilist. He never said that out right of course, no one would unless they were completely pretentious. He told he that he didn't believe that there was an absolute right or wrong. He was not comfortable with absolutes of any kind, To the point where he questioned me when I said that murder was wrong no matter what historical, cultural, or other perspective we chose to look at it through. He told me he didn't believe in an afterlife because he didn't want to see the point in living past this life. Not that the idea was a bad one, not that he's an atheist and doesn't believe in God, not that there's no scientific proof. He didn't want to believe that there was one...I cried a little bit afterwards. I asked him, what If? He would say that there is so much that can't be known and maybe this was one of those things, and I said what if he could know? I dont' want to know know, but eternity I would say. legacy he would say, exactly I would say. I just don't know the if he would say, I want to but I can't. He so wanted to believe that there was somthing better that what he knew. Eventaually words failed both of us, he finished his coffee, thanked me, and left. This man wanted to believe that there was somthing more, but didn't know if he could face it, and for that matter didn't want to face it.

I have to believe that there is something else there. I have to believe that this shit of an existence, this hell I'm living is not all there is. There as to be more than loneliness, than absurdity, than swine flu and cancer, than economic downturn and endless debt, than gay rights and right to life, than war on drugs, terrorism, hunger, and global warming. There has to be more than what I see around me. Because what's around me, it's not worth the effort of getting out of bed in the morning. This world is lost and wants to keep me lost with it, but there's more, I know there's more. And I'm constantly at odds with the world, because I know that there's more. I've been promised that there's more. And that more that is trying to guide me home, I just keep letting the world get in the way.
A.T.H.