The hardwood was cold under his hands, the grains course under the thin waxy finish. He couldn't remember how long he'd been sitting at this table. He remembered trying to mark time once as if he was waiting for a time when he would leave, but that moment was long past now, a distant memory. The feel of the table under his hands was comforting. The chair, now well worn through use, seemed to have sprouted from the floor. The age darkened wooden legs firmly embedded themselves making it hard to slide the chair back to stand up, though why he should ever want to do that he couldn't imagine. The chair was comfortably warm, and, though not padded, somehow soft. He sat in his chair, hands on his table, and thought that somehow life was complete. The room was not large, but comfortable. Four walls surrounded him. The roof above him didn't leak. The lamp in the corner shown with a dim light, but still enough to see everything in the room. He and his table. He and his chair. They were his friends and he enjoyed their company. But the door. The door was looking at him again. He didn't like the door, and for all that he could tell the door didn't like him. He sat staring back at the door. Sometime he could ignore it but right now he just couldn't. He starring back at the door he dared it to blink, dared it to do anything. He knew how this contest would end, the door being a door would lower it's eyes and leave him in peace to enjoy the comfort of his chair and table. He just had to wait. It always ended the same way. Oh, sometimes the door would hold it's gaze for a time, but soon it would give in and resume it's normal stance of ignoring him. He thought of the many battles he and the door had, they were fond memories, and he smiled knowingly at the door. The door simply stared back unwaveringly. It never blinked, in fact he couldn't remember the door ever closing it's eyes. It would simply look away. He suddenly felt...angry. He thought that was what it was called, angry. He couldn't remember the last time he felt angry. He didn't like it, which was simply another reason to dislike the door. Staring at him silently, making him feel angry. He suddenly had the thought that he might even hate the door, but dismissed it quickly, the door would soon leave him alone anyway. He smiled again, knowing the contest would end the way it had always ended. The door stared back. He smoothed his hands against waxy surface of the table, cool and comforting. The table was on his side. It never said that it was, but it never said that it wasn't. The chair of course was on his side, how could it not be? The three of them sat staring at door. He was proud of his little coalition of furniture. Feeling that this would solidify them as friends for good, having a common enemy. Door didn't seem impressed though, still staring. He wandered how long door would last this time, not that he was waiting for anything. He even thought about looking away first this time, but considered that impossible now that his two friends had joined the fray, and continued staring defiantly at door. Door stared back...and smiled. He blinked, door had never done that before. He suddenly didn't know what to think. It was all he could do to just to keep staring at door. It was a trick. It had to be. He just had to keep staring. Door would look away soon. Door always did. He kept staring, willing door to look away. Door smirked at him, winked, and opened.

un-alone in the dark...

I sometimes envision myself in a dark room. standing somewhere off center. I don't know where I am, but that doesn't seem to bother me. I seem perfectly content to stand there, trying to notice anything that might be around me. people and faces rush by, talking to me, sometimes just barely noticing that I'm there. Some I recognize, other I don't. Voices call out from a distance and an barely hear them, yet somthing tells me they're important. Sometimes everything stops, the people, the faces, the voices disapear. The quiet of it fades until I can hear the blood pounding in my ears. then slowly the voices, then the faces, and eventually the people reappear. I see them all, though many i ignore. Sometimes, I try to move toward one of them, but every step seems to take me nowhere. Sometimes the steps seem to drive them away, as if the distance was what was needed between us and the lose of it enough to send them into hiding. I never seem confused, I seem to accept this reality, though still push the boundries of it. Through it all, I never quite feel alone. even when the faces, and voices disappear, I never have the sence that I'm alone. In fact, it's in those cases when they are gone that I have a greater sence that there is more than me in this room...
A.T.H.

The Lauridsen "Lux Aeterna"

I've always loved the sound of sung Latin. It's flows, almost as if it was created for singing. There are only a few languages I know that make singing easier, French and Latin are my favorites. Latin is first of those. Jordan Davis introduced me to the Lux Aeterna. It never fails to ease my mind. I never consider it a waste of time simply to sit and listen to it start to finish. To be honest I don't know if I've ever not listened to it in it's entirety. It wasn't until recently that I found a copy of the vocal score with a translation of the text. The text is taken from portions of the the Requiem mass, Te Deum, O Nata Lux, and Veni, sancte spiritus. Each passage speaks of God the source of light. I love the text of this cycle. It speaks of how the light of the world came to save us, how it purvades our lives, shines through us, grants us peace and rest. The phrase Lux Aeterna occures only once through out the piece, and that is at the end:

Lux aeterna luceat eis, Domine:
cum sanctis tuis in aeternum:
quia pius es.

May light eternal shine upon them, O Lord:
in the company of thy Saints for ever and ever;
for thou art merciful.

Lux Aeterna, Eternal Light. It's an important concept for someone like me who often sees himself in very dark places, surounded by dark influence, steeped in dark thought. Honestly when my thoughts grow overly dark this is the first piece of music I turn to. It's not that I only turn to this, but I feel that if God has granted me a piece of music that can ease my mind, and remind me of part of who He is and who I am to Him that I should be grateful and indulge in it regularly. I see God in music, I hear God in music, and I feel God in music...and I bless him for it.

Lux Aeterna

I. Introitus

Requiem Aeternam dona eis, domine:
et lux perpetua luceat eis.
Te decet hymnus Deus in Zion
et tibi redetur votum
in Jerusalem:
exaudi orationem mean,
ad te omnis caro veniet.
Requiem Aeternam Dona eis, Domine:
et lux perpetua luceat eis

rest eternal grant to them, O Lord,
and let perpetual light shine upon them
A hymn befits thee, O God in Sion.
and to thee a vow shall be fulfilled
in Jerusalem:
Hear my prayer,
for unto thee all flesh shall come.
Rest eternal grant to them, O Lord,
and let perpetual light shine upon them.

II. In Te, domine, Speravi

Tu ad liberandum suscepturus hominem
non horruisti Virginis uterum.
Tu devicto mortis aculeo,
aperuisti credentibus regna coelorum.
Exprtum est in tenebris lumen rectis.
Miserere nostri, Domine
miserere nostri.
Fiat misericordia tua, domine, super nos
quemadmodum speravimus in te.
In te domine, speravi:
non confundar in aeternum.

To deliver us, you became human,
and did not disdain the virgin's womb.
having blunted the sting of death, You
Opened the Kingdom of heaven to all believers.
A light has risen in the darkness for the upright.
haver mercy upon us, O Lord,
Have mercy upon us.
Let thy mercy be upon us, O Lord,
as we have trusted in thee.
In thee, O Lord, I have trusted
let me never be confounded.

III. O Nata Lux

O nata lux de lumine,
jesu redemptor saeculi,
dignare clemens supplicum
Laudes preces que sumere.
Qui carne quondam contegi
dignatus es pro perditis.
Nos membra confer effici,
tui beati corporis.

O born light of light,
Jesus, redeemer of the owrld,
mercifully deem worthy and accept
the praises and prayers of your supplicants.
thou who once deigned to be clothed in flesh
for the sake of the lost ones.
grant us to be made members
of your holy body.

IV. Veni, Sancte Spiritus

veni, Sancte Spiritus,
Et emitte coelitus
Lucis tuae radium.
Veni, pater pauperum,
Veni, dator munerum,
Veni, lumen cordium.

Come, Holy spirit,
send forth from heaven
the ray of thy light
come, Father of the poor
Come, giver of gifts
come, light of hearts.

Consolator optime, Dulcis hospes animae,
Dulce refrigerim.
In labore ruquies,
In aestu temperies,
In fletu solatium.

Thou best of consolers,
Sweet guest of the soul
Sweet refreshment.
In labor, thou art rest,
In heat, the tempering,
In grief, the consolation.

O lux beatissima,
Reple cordis intima
Tuorum fidelium.
Sine tuo numine
Nihil est in homnie,
Nihil est innoxium.

O light most blessed,
fill the inmost heart
of all thy faithful
without your grace,
there is nothing in us,
Nothing that is not harmful.

lava quod est sordidum,
Riga quod est aridum.
Sana quod est sucium.
Flecte quod est rigidum,
Fove quod est frigidum
Rege quod est devium.

cleanse what is sordid,
moisten what is arid,
heal what is hurt
flex what is rigid
fire what is frigid
correct what goes astray

Da tuis fidelibus,
In te confidentibus,
Sacrum septenarium.
Da virtutis meritum,
Da salutis exitum,
Da perenne gaudium.

Grant to thy faithful,
those trusting in thee,
thy sacred seven-fold gifts
Grant the reward of virtue
Grant the deliverance of salvation
grant everlasting joy.

V. Agnus Dei - Lux Aeterna

Agnus Dei,
qui tollis peccata mundi,
dona eis requiem.

Lamb of god,
who takest away the sins of the world,
grant them rest

Agnus Dei,
qui tollis peccata mundi,
dona eis requiem.

Lamb of god,
who takest away the sins of the world,
grant them rest

Agnus Dei,
qui tollis peccata mundi,
dona es requiem sempiternam

Lamb of god,
who takest away the sins of the world,
grant them rest everlasting.

Lux aeterna luceat eis, domine:
cum sanctis tuis in aeternum:
quia pius es.

Light eternal shine upon them. O Lord
in the company of thy Saints forever
for thou art merciful.

Requiem aeternam dona eis, Domine,
et Lux perpetua luceat eis.

Rest eternal grant to them, O Lord,
and let perpetual light shine upon them.

Alleluia. Amen.

Recovering...

There's a silence so deep that it' can be felt in the core of your being. Where you hold your breath at the risk of disturbing it. That moment between the conductor's baton click and the first note lasts an eternity. The anticipation of what's to come can stop your heart in that moment, then release you. Release you from all that encumbers you. In that moment, life is perfect. At least I think so...

I saw the movie the soloist yesterday...well, Friday...I guess it's already Sunday as I type this. It wasn't what I thought it would be. It was a movie about a relationship, and one that in itself would make you feel good at the end. What I didn't expect was that it's a movie about belief. About a man who didn't believe anything, a man without passion, who was change by a man who believed so hard in one thing, believing that, as the movie stated, if all else failed that it "would carry him home." That's all I really have to say about it now, which i guess is nothing. It's a major statement, it moved me, I was moved by it, but now...life goes on.

I'm really tired right now, but I just feel that I need to get some more out before I crash. So tired. I've not been sleeping well lately. I get to the point where I should be sleeping and I either stay up for some reason, usually not a good reason either, or at the moment I'm about to fall asleep a thought will pop into my mind and keep me up. To be honest it's normally people who keep me up. They don't do it on purpose, and I'm sure if they knew they would remove themselves from my thoughts so I could get a bit of restful sleep.

I'm going through a bit of an identity crisis right now. It's hard for me say that. I'm going through a bit of an identity crisis right now. I think that I've been trying to find myself in the wrong things. In people who really don't have any weight in my life. Only one of them in fact would I actually say that I cared about what she thought of me. My stomach is doing somersaults right now just by writing this, as if I was telling this to her face. Words are starting to fail me right now...Without knowing it I've placed the value of my existence in her opinion of me. I can't do that. It's fruitless to begin with, that one. And it's not just her, there are several people lately that I've placed a lot on what we do together, where we go, how much time we spend with each other. I've seemingly given my purpose to people who neither want it or deserve it for that matter. I'm not even sure when I started doing this. I mean, I've always wondered what my friends really think of me, who I am to them, that sort of thing, but I've at least always known that my reason for being doesn't rest on them. I'm still me after they're gone, just like I was me before they were there. I don't understand how this happened. The one I know, but the rest...it doesn't make sense.

I sometimes get the feeling that I want to sever all ties. Start over. I'm not saying it's a smart idea, and I'm sure there are some people out there who would say that I've done that already. That maybe that would be easier. Just cut everything off, leave or stay, and just start my relationship over again. That maybe the ones I have are too complicated, too hard, not really worth it. clean sweep...no. That wouldn't be good. it's a bad idea, and I'd never be able to pull it off anyway.

I don't know why I have the feeling that a boulder is about to drop on my head. That one last piece of information that comes and destroys the fantasy that you've created. I'm just tired I guess. I mean even if the one that I'm thinking of did happen, life would continue. Saving grace I guess. Life goes on. We continue existing, we continue moving. I mean in the end I don't believe that this is everything. I get hung up on it all the time, but this is not the end all be all. I had a conversation back in January I think, it been a while and I don't remember when it was. Before I moved in with Ben, but that doesn't mean anything to anybody but me. I was siting in one of my local coffee shops...yes I said one of, I have three that I frequent...no one should be surprised. I was still there with a cup of tea, reading Mear Christianity...which has no basis to the story unless the gentlemen who sat down at my table noticed what I was reading before he sat. He asked me if he could sit, and I said yes, the place being pack with high schoolers and college students, and me having a table to myself. We quickly struck up a conversation. He was an older gentlemen, retired lawyer actually. It was a long conversation about right and wrong, afterlife or no afterlife. world conspiracies, and the ridiculousness of life. The man was a bit of a nihilist. He never said that out right of course, no one would unless they were completely pretentious. He told he that he didn't believe that there was an absolute right or wrong. He was not comfortable with absolutes of any kind, To the point where he questioned me when I said that murder was wrong no matter what historical, cultural, or other perspective we chose to look at it through. He told me he didn't believe in an afterlife because he didn't want to see the point in living past this life. Not that the idea was a bad one, not that he's an atheist and doesn't believe in God, not that there's no scientific proof. He didn't want to believe that there was one...I cried a little bit afterwards. I asked him, what If? He would say that there is so much that can't be known and maybe this was one of those things, and I said what if he could know? I dont' want to know know, but eternity I would say. legacy he would say, exactly I would say. I just don't know the if he would say, I want to but I can't. He so wanted to believe that there was somthing better that what he knew. Eventaually words failed both of us, he finished his coffee, thanked me, and left. This man wanted to believe that there was somthing more, but didn't know if he could face it, and for that matter didn't want to face it.

I have to believe that there is something else there. I have to believe that this shit of an existence, this hell I'm living is not all there is. There as to be more than loneliness, than absurdity, than swine flu and cancer, than economic downturn and endless debt, than gay rights and right to life, than war on drugs, terrorism, hunger, and global warming. There has to be more than what I see around me. Because what's around me, it's not worth the effort of getting out of bed in the morning. This world is lost and wants to keep me lost with it, but there's more, I know there's more. And I'm constantly at odds with the world, because I know that there's more. I've been promised that there's more. And that more that is trying to guide me home, I just keep letting the world get in the way.
A.T.H.

Observations...

my life has changed...I'm not the man I was when I left college. If fact I would have to say that I've changed more in the last year, then I did during my entire collegiate career. The fundamentals are still the same, I am still me. I'm still sarcastic to a fault, I still find humor in dark subjects, my faith is steadfast if not always as strong as I would like it to be, I still see the beauty in small things, the things that most people know about me are still the same. It's really the small things that have changed about me, my overall world view has changed, I question more, trust less. I question myself more and more, and seem to find that the conclusions that I come too are not always the ones I'm comfortable with. I find myself more an more trying to separate my feelings from what actually is. Sometimes it's easy and simple, sometimes it's hard to tell where one stops and the others begin. We spend so much time steeped in emotion, we often let them guide us solely, and sometimes that is the right action. Sometimes we need to jump in with both feet, led by the heart, not caring what the consequences maybe, knowing only that they are worth enduring. But sometimes we have to separate ourselves from what we feel, so that we can step back and take moment to understand the situation better, know the consequences, know which evil we are to chose.
I don't find myself in the situation currently, but it has been where my thoughts are lately. My thoughts have been dark lately, but not always, and not for long. I've been spending a great deal of time alone, which ultimately means I've spent a lot of time thinking. never a good idea, I know. I was talking to Liz last night, we were going to watch a movie together...which means we were going to watch the same movie while talking on the phone...but that didn't happen. I talked a lot last night. I know that a lot of it sounded depressed, melancholic, it was a dark day. I was alone, didn't have much to do, I've been confused lately about my career choice. I have the sinking feeling that I'm not cut out for this, but I enjoy it too much to not give it my best shot. I think the thing is, I just have so much that I want to do. I'm afraid of getting stuck in a situation where I can't get out simply because I need to pay the bills. I'm terrified of that. There's so much to do. I want to act, I want to be the music minister in a church, I want be an academic and pursue knowledge, I want to go into the mission field, I want to teach, I want to get married and start a family. I good many of these can be followed with the phrase "Someday...". One at a time, maybe two. Each in their time, in God's time. I just wish, and I say this with all reverence and respect, that God would hurry up. I've always wanted to know the ending first, I've learned to take joy in the journey, it's just that there are times during the journey that you wish that it was over. (I don't mean completely)
Last Saturday was gorgeous. Clear blue skies, upper 60's, not humid at all. So I went hiking...naturally. I drove to Doubling Gap, about an 1hr and half away so that I could hike Flat Rock. It's 5 miles round trip, 2.5 miles up and thus the same back. 2.5 miles of pure hell. I hate hiking it, I dread it. I know that it will take me at least 2hrs just to get up. That I'll stop every fifty yards, simply because my legs can't take it anymore. I'll contemplate turning around every time I stop. I'll swear out loud at myself for doing something as absurd as hiking to Flat Rock. And I mean swear, those of you unfortunate enough to see me truly angry know what that looks like. It's quite impressive if I say so myself, dirty, hot, tired, and unable to express myself in anything but "four letter words." This is one of the reasons I normally hike alone. The thing is I know all of this before I go. I know exactly what it's going to be like, and I know exactly what the temperature will do to further exacerbate the problem. I know all of this and yet I take the best day of the year so far and throw it into at least 2hrs of what was described to me on Saturday as a "hell walk." Why? Because I know what waits for me at the end of those 2hrs of hell. I'm not going to share a picture, I'm not going to explain to you what you see, any attempt to do so would cheapen the experience. If you're ever in the area on a nice day and want to see something breath taking, just ask and I'll try not to swear to much...
I say all this because I know that this is what life is like. I know that in the end everything will make sense, or with all hope it all won't matter. The end may not justify they means, but it will give purpose to the journey. It will all have meaning in the end. It all has meaning now, I just seem to be stuck on the fact that I don't know what that meaning happens to be. I know it has purpose, He gave it purpose. I may not always seem happy, but I always have joy. May He never let me be content, complacent, or contrived. May He always keep me true, loyal, persistent, and loving. Amen.
To the journey, and the destination...may I enjoy them both...someday.
A.T.H.

I took this picture with my phone when I was in Connecticut. I don't know why like it so much. Maybe it's because it explains who I am so well. Someone who seems to be just coming out of the darkness, or slowly sinking into it. I can't tell which sometimes. I can't tell even know. I feel odd, it's weird, not that I feel odd that's almost normal...which raises the question how I know I feel odd...I won't get into it anymore than to say that I know myself and I know when this are different. boring...I just realized I'm writing off the top of my head with no where to go...no where to go...trapped. I don't feel...
A.T.H.

Things I remember...

Jenny and Erica used to sneak up behind me each grabbing an arm and start singing the Truly Scrumptious song from Chitty Chitty Bang Bang. They did this because I hate the song, lucky for them it made me love them even more. It's a simple memory, but it's one that I only remembered because I stumbled upon this photo while going through boxes of junk I needed to throw away. I remember my first senior year, Jenny ended up getting mono at the beginning of the year and went home to get better. She ended up not coming back at all that year. It was a sad day when I found that out. Erica and I both took it hard, and I really started to miss those little surprise sing-a-longs. Jenny was like a sister to me, and I've not heard from her in a long, long time. Miss you both.
A.T.H.

What I want...

does it matter? Does it really matter what I want? Some would say no, that fate has chosen what I'm meant to do in my life, who I'll meet, what friends I'll have, whether or not I'll marry. I mean is that all there is? Has life decided for me what roll I'm to play in the world? Or is it simply safer that way...
What if what I want has merit? What if by one single decision I could change the world? What if what I wanted, was how God decided what I'm to be doing with my life? What are the desires of my heart? Are they placed there by a loving God directing me toward the path I should be walking? But this is dangerous you see. When my desires, my wants, have purpose I am then culpable for what I do and what happens because of what I do.
What if what I want...changes? Does that make what I wanted before any less right and true? Does it mean that what my wants become are now something less than before? Or worse yet, what happens you can't decide what you want? What is the pain you feel when you're torn between what you want?
What if you run from what you want? What if what you want scares you because your afraid you can't have it, or that you'll change into something you don't understand? Does it corrupt it when you want something you can't have, just by the nature of wanting it? Or is it the nature of the unavailability of what you want that makes it wrong? Can you hide from what you want, or are you fated to long for it, until you have it, until you want something else? And if you want something else does that mean that you never really wanted the other thing in the first place? Can you allow others to effect what you want? Is their objection to you wanting something a valid reason for then trying to not want it?

I don't know, and I don't see an easy answer. I do know that I now know what I want, and while I'm not sure if I can have it, I will pursue it. I've been brought up to believe that a man is honest, loyal, slow to anger, and while not eager to please willing to do so. Sometimes we live by our obligations to others, but sometimes we must be obligated to ourselves. Sometimes it's simply trying something new, following through on a project you started, but sometimes...sometimes it's laying it all out to be seen. There comes a time when it's best to lay all of your cards on the table, and see where you stand.

That's where I am. I'm about to show my hand, and what will come of it? The risk of it all is what is on my mind right now, does the dividend out weigh the risk? Do I have any real provocation for acting so? Right now, my only provocation is peace of mind. I simply need to know, and move forward. What I risk losing, what I have now no longer seems sufficient, and what I have to gain...we it's all I can think about. So much so that it keeps me up at night. I'm tired and I'm ready to sleep. God knows I need peace of mind, and I have only one option left. I can't see things staying the same, and I don't want them too.
A.T.H.

Thankful thursday...

I was just inspired to do this, (thankyou liz). It was an interesting day, and I spent most of it in a pretty annoyed mood. Honestly I was pretty angry at one point. Because of that I think that I need to do this, and just remind myself of the truth of my situation. I am thankful for...

• The ability to make dang good chili
• A country where I can be involved in the elector process, even if it takes a year and a half and makes me want to hurt every third person who opens there mouth about it.
• The chance at a career that I never considered possible
• Friends who know me, and still want to eat lunch with me, and will on occasion have a conversation with me.
• People who believe in me when they have no good reason to do so.
• Little old ladies who can walk faster than a two year old.
• Children who believe the angels on stage are real.
• The quickness that with which summer became Autumn.
• The cold air against my face, and burning my lungs
• My Father who understands the frustration of unemployment, understands the frustration of moving on, and who in brief moments becomes my daddy one more time to pray with me over the phone when I'm at my wits end.
• My Mom who believes that everything I do is golden.
• Liz Stewart who listens to me from a thousand miles away
• Friends how gladly tell me that they told me so.
• the knowledge that life goes on.
• Being existential enough to believe that my reason and purpose comes from a God who created me, loves me, died for me, and wants only the best for me, even when I ignore Him, yell at Him, and blame Him.
• The grace to be a performer in need of a little attention from time to time.
• Ten months at a "job" that gave me my first real friends in three years, a chance to try a new career, and the apperance of passion that I didn't know was there.
• The patience to wait for a new contract to come out, and knowing that it doesn't define me as a person, or a performer.

A.T.H.

because I like to eat...

Ok, I really do have other things to write about, but I want to wait just one more day to write about those things. I'm waiting because by tomorrow I should know whether or not I have Christmas employment at the theatre or if it's back to the drawing boards...among other things. So he it is, because it sounded interesting and I was wondering myself.

The question is, which of these 100 foods have you eaten. If you want to participate feel free...here are the rules:


1) Copy this list into your own blog, including these instructions.
2) Bold all the items you’ve eaten.
3) Cross out any items that you would never consider eating.
4) Post a comment here once you’ve finished and link your post back to this one.
5) Pass it on!

1. Natto
2. Green Smoothie
3. Tofu Scramble
4. Haggis
5. Mangosteen
6. Creme brulee
7. Fondue
8. Marmite/Vegemite
9. Borscht
10. Baba ghanoush
11. Nachos
12. Authentic soba noodles
13. PB&J sandwich
14. Aloo gobi
15. Taco from a street cart
16. Boba Tea
17. Black truffle
18. Fruit wine made from something other than grapes
19. Gyoza
20. Vanilla ice cream
21. Heirloom tomatoes
22. Fresh wild berries
23. Ceviche
24. Rice and beans
25. Knish
26. Raw scotch bonnet pepper
27. Dulce de leche
28. Caviar
29. Baklava
30. Pate
31. Wasabi peas
32. Chowder in a sourdough bowl
33. Mango lassi
34. Sauerkraut
35. Root beer float
36. Mulled cider
37. Scones with buttery spread and jam
38. Vodka jelly
39. Gumbo
40. Fast food french fries
41. Raw Brownies
42. Fresh Garbanzo Beans
43. Dahl
44. Homemade Soymilk
45. Wine from a bottle worth £60/$120 or more
46. Stroopwafle
47. Samosas
48. Vegetable Sushi
49. Glazed doughnut
50. Seaweed
51. Prickly pear
52. Umeboshi
53. Tofurkey
54. Sheese
55. Cotton candy
56. Gnocchi
57. Piña colada
58. Birch beer
59. Scrapple
60. Carob chips
61. S’mores
62. Soy curls
63. Chickpea cutlets
64. Curry
65. Durian
66. Homemade Sausages
67. Churros, elephant ears, or funnel cake
68. Smoked tofu
69. Fried plantain
70. Mochi
71. Gazpacho
72. Warm chocolate chip cookies
73. Absinthe (But I want too...)
74. Corn on the cob
75. Whipped cream, straight from the can
76. Pomegranate
77. Fauxstess Cupcake
78. Mashed potatoes with gravy
79. Jerky
80. Croissants
81. French onion soup
82. Savory crepes
83. Tings
84. A meal at Candle 79
85. Moussaka
86. Sprouted grains or seeds
87. Macaroni and “cheese”
88. Flowers
89. Matzoh ball soup
90. White chocolate
91. Seitan
92. Kimchi
93. Butterscotch chips
94. Yellow watermelon
95. Chili with chocolate (Chocolate with chili's?)
96. Bagel and Tofutti
97. Potato milk
98. Polenta
99. Jamaican Blue Mountain coffee
100. Raw cookie dough

My life as an actor...

I have an audition tomorrow...
It's kind of odd to hear myself say it. It's a really good opportunity to see if this is a direction that I should be pursuing. Up until now I've not been sure how to take my new life as an actor. I mean I love it, I've alway dreamed of performing for a living (most musicians do), but I never really considered the idea that this is something I could do at least for a season. And now I'm presented with possibilities that really astound me.
It's a new musical, Amazing Grace. It's centered on the life of John Newton. The music is powerful, as is the story. It could lead to...I don't really know. I new opportunity somewhere else with another theater, another show. It could prove that I really should be pursuing this career, or it could tell me that this is only a season and to enjoy it while it lasts. I don't know. I'm prepared for the audition, though. I feel good about my songs, my voice feels good (though a little tired right now), and I'm looking forward to it. I'll have friends at the audition, and we're all kind of excited about it. New Opportunities...wow. That's all I can really say...wow.
A.T.H.

Things unsaid...

I've been reading old posts...I'm not sure what to think about them either. I like them, but they're mine I kind of have to like them. The one thing that really stuck out was the topics I chose to write about. Mostly they where centered around relationships, or rather the relationships that I would like to have. I don't know what to think about that. Of course relationship are important to me, but they're important to everyone, to one degree or another. I guess that they are just normally at the forefront of my mind, so when I start to write that's what comes out. Relationships, or my lack there of. As if I find my self worth based in them. I don't, or at least I don't think that I do. Maybe it's because I'm surrounded by them. Even to night, I spend time with a couple from work. I didn't intend to, but it turned out that we we're the only ones who went for wings tonight. I enjoyed the time, they're both friends and I feel comfortable around them. In fact I love to hang out with the both of them. We've do this twice, where it ends up being Ben, Kristan, and me. We sit and talk and enjoy each other's company, and I don't feel like a third wheel. I would even go so far as to say that I enjoy watching them interact as a couple. They are just a blessing to be around. They make me feel comfortable even though I'm the single guy at the table, they're the kind of couple that make me hope that one day I'll be in that type of relationship.

I was in a relationship a few months back. Romantically it lasted maybe two weeks. I ended it. I ended because it was going so fast for me. She was great, she was lovely, wonderful, funny, but it happened so fast. I never saw it coming, and I wasn't ready for it, and all of a sudden there it was. I got scared, just a little...maybe more than a little. So, I ended it. I didn't do it with the idea of backing up, spending some time getting to know her, or making sure I was doing the right thing. I did it because I was uncomfortable with the idea of having someone that close. There I said it. I'm not an open person, I've never been an open person, and I found myself telling her the things that I didn't want to tell anyone. So, I stopped. But I knew I was doing the right thing. She came over one Sunday after church, she sat in my chair and asked me straight out if there was a chance for us. Part of me actually wanted to say yes. Yes, there is a chance for us, but just not right now. I've been alone for so long that when I finally wasn't I wasn't comfortable with the idea. I couldn't handle it at all. I kind of wanted to be with her, but not really. I didn't think that was fair so I told her, with a heavy heart, no. I stopped thinking about it. I felt hounded even after that. She would send me text messages a lot. She would call and ask to come over. None of my other friends did that. In fact if I want to hear from one of my friends it seems that I need to call them, or text them first. I got annoyed, and acted like a jerk. Something I wish I hadn't done. I started to build the walls back up that seemed to have fallen down. A few weeks ago she started dating some other guy, a new guy in the cast. At first I was fine with it. I was happy for her. Then I snapped. What the hell had I just done? I wanted to be in a relationship, remember? I wanted to date someone, remember? All this longing after people who don't spend enough time to give you the time of day, all this wishing you could find someone who actually liked you for a change, and now it's gone? I actually tried to get her back, but that didn't happen. In fact I almost succeeded in the complete destruction of any relationship that had left. It's been a process to getting to today.

I've been trying to understand why I did what I did. It doesn't make sense to me. But today, walking in the animal hallway, I started to think about the situation again and immediately stopped and though it'll work out the way that it will work out...and I moved on. Now would I date her given the chance...yes, I would. Do I see that happening...no I don't.

I had a rather bad day today. I woke up 20 minuets after I should have been at work for tour this morning. I slept through one alarm, and two phone calls. I was not impressed at the time, but I kind of am now. I got there in time for tour to start, and actually tour went well. We had a good group, and they asked a lot of questions. Later at cast meeting I found out that the Casting Director wanted to see me for 5 minuets. I knew exactly what the reason was, and exactly what she was going to say. "We're going to keep you in the backup position." I knew this, but was still thoroughly disappointed when I heard the actually words. You see backup is the number three position for a roll, but for Lucifer, the roll I currently "backup," there are only two of us. Which makes me the understudy by proxy. I feel like I'm being jerked around. I feel taken advantage of. I feel like I want to call the principle, who's a friend of mine, and telling him to pick a day when we both just don't show up for a show. I wanted to just go home at this point, but I didn't. the show must go on. My show run was bad, I couldn't get my timing right, I couldn't get my mind in the scenes, I missed dance steps, flubbed notes. I just had a bad day. Then said girl above asks me how I'm doing, so I tell her. I'm having a bad day. She sent me a text on the way home saying if I need someone to talk to she'd be there. I read that in my car, and I guy reaction was "no you won't. Not the way I'd want you to be." I can't tell her that. For friendship sake I can't tell her that. So I talked to Ben and Kristan, and I felt better. The right people, at the right time, for the right purpose.

I don't think she was the right person at the right time, but I guess only time will truly tell. Just like Sarah wasn't that person in High School, and Erica wasn't that person at University. This is where this gets hard. My mind is completely empty right now, and I'm writing in the present. There are few people in my life that I would consider dating. Erica, I would date, but know that it would never happen. I'm fine with that. This current girl I would date, but it can't happen. I'm not sure I'm fine with that but I do still think that I was right in the first place...no matter how much I've gone back on that thought, and seconded guessed it. And Liz, I would date, but she's a thousand miles away, and for all that I can ponder out has no interest in dating me. I have a picture of the two of us siting above my computer. It's from the last day we were on Caton's Island, inside the mess hall. Do you remember? I love that picture. I always have. I always thought that we looked good together in that picture. Liz has always been in the back of my mind as someone that I liked, and that I thought that I could date if we ever lived close enough, but that chance has never happened. And the logistics of a long distance relationship of that magnitude have always been daunting to me. I've often thought about how it might work, but I never get very far in the planing, mostly because it would take the both of us to make it work, and that's something that we've never had. That's it. Three women, that I would date, and seemingly none that I can.

I've spent the last six months living outside of my box. I'm completely steeped in a life that I never thought that I would be involved in, living a dream basically. A dream that I did not prepare for, was not planing on, yet here I am an Actor by trade. I have an audition coming up on the 14th for a new show, and the possibility of staying at sight and sound another year. It's because of this that I've been taking that chance to say those things that I've never said, or maybe just hinted at. It's better to have said them I think, than to have wished you said them after it was too late. Things that need to be said. The things I wrote about here were some of them. I need to clear the air, even if it on a blog that no one reads anymore. I want a relationship, but I want it with who I want it. I'm not good at intimacy, or relationships but I do try. I try to open up. Maybe it is as simple as a friend of mine said, "maybe it wasn't God's timing." Maybe. Maybe it wasn't God's person. Maybe. Maybe I just screwed up royally and have to suffer for a while. Maybe. It's been an uncomfortable, but good six months.

A.T.H.

Sometimes you fight for what you want, but what if you can't. What if you had exactly what you said you wanted in your hands and you threw it away because you were scared of what it meant? Have you ever realized you made a mistake at the exact moment that it became impossible to fix. What does a man do when all he wants is to be happy, and he is the only one who stands in the way of it? All I can do is nothing...and nothing is all I have a right too.

The man...

It's been a rough week. Last Sunday my Grandfather died. He was 85 and had not been doing well. When he caught a cold late last week the doctor knew that the only thing he could do was work through it on his on. It was a good guess. My grandfather worked himself through everything. At 75 he built his newest house with his own hands, eventually he had to be forced to stop so that he wouldn't hurt himself. He was stubborn to a fault, sarcastic, and a practical joker. You never knew exactly where you stood with my grandfather and that was the way he liked it. He dropped out of school after the eighth grade because his father was forced to retire from the Logging mill at the age of 75...the stubbornness runs in the family. He enlisted in the Army during WWII. He trained as a combat engineer and was shipped to the south pacific. He island hopped, spent time in the Philippines and latie, and was on a ship waiting for landing orders to invade Japan when the bomb was dropped. He never talked about the war, but we all understood. We listened to the stories he would tell and nodded with out questioning when he got silent. I never really knew that part of my Grandfather, but I knew that look in his eye. That glint that let you know he was up to no good, which was most of the time. I loved that look. I'll miss that look.

I didn't get to spend a lot of time with him these last few years. I tried to get up whenever I could but I normally wasn't around. We were alike in lots of ways, most of them mentioned above. I remember when I graduated from High school, He came down for my graduation party. He took me aside and started telling me about when he left for the army. He told me about how some of the boys he was with would cry at night because they were away from home for the first time. He looked me in the eye and said...Don't do that. I just had to laugh. He knew I was nervous about college, just the way he had been nervous about leaving for the army, but that was his way of telling me that I'd be ok. He was a good man. A brave, intellegent, loving, man, and I'll miss him. I just wish he and been well enough to come see me in the show. The last time I saw him, we hugged, he told me he was proud of me, and that he would be down soon to see the show. He never made it, but he wasn't a show guy so I won't hold it against him.
A.T.H.

It just occurred to me that I have once again failed to keep a promise...even if it is just to myself. The "job," heh...it's my job, is great. We opened Daniel and the Lions Den on the 7th of this month, and while I won't say that it's been going swimmingly, I can't say that it's going badly. I would have to imagine that most theaters have the small hiccups that we've had. Honestly I find them kind of nice. They're a break from what could become monotony and they do keep you on your toes. I'm really enjoying myself here in Lancaster. It's not the booming metropolis that I sometime think I would enjoy, but it's not completely dull either. The apartment I moved into is in a slightly nicer section of town a few blocks from Franklin and Marshall College. For me that means hearing college kids walking around most of the night. I like it though, the neighborhood isn't scary, at least to me it's not, and I can park right out front of my door most of the time.

Honestly it's been a very busy two months, between rehearsals, commuting, moving to Lancaster, making new friends, and just getting myself set up it's been a veritable whirl wind of activity. I have pictures of my apartment, but they're on my camera and right now I'm too lazy to even attempt to post them, maybe tomorrow. As far a pictures of work go, I'm not really allowed to take any pictures inside the theatre, so poop on that idea. I got a very part-time job as a tour guide for the theater, but I think I'm going to look for something else to supplement my income. I'm hoping that in the next few weeks I'll become more accustomed to my schedule and start to find the many cracks so I can get out and do a few of the things I want to do. I really do love my job, and often find myself sitting on the side stage where I start from and just wondering how in the world I ended up on stage. I'll be honest it was not a goal of mine to be on stage in anyway. Partly because it wasn't something I necessarily wanted to do and, to be very honest, I never thought that I was good enough. It's been an interesting two monthes for my ego. I don't have big roles, and there are times when I'm on stage that the scene could go just as well without me, but simply to be here...to have the opportunity to be on stage...it's beyond a dream. It's beyond what I thought God would do in my life.

You always assume that God has great plans for your life, but you tend to see them in the scope of what you believe is possible. Being on stage was a possiblity for me, I'm not good enough to do this, but here I am, sitting next to a guy who's actually been on broadway, who's traveled with Les Mis and sang as Valjan. I don't do this, but this job makes me wonder. I'm getting back into voice lessons, getting into the gym, and even starting some Ballet classes. If I'm going to do this, I'm going to do it right and better myself. It makes me wonder where I'll be in 5 years. Because I never thought that I would be here. I am in awe, and I want to know more.
A.T.H.

My New Job...

I know I've not really written consistantly for quite some time now. I hope to rectify that this year, though I'm pretty sure that by now my minimal following has dwindled to nothing. In any case, let me introduce you to my new reason to blog. The picture is of my new office. Sight and Sound theater in Lancaster, PA. I'm in the process of move there, but for the time being I'm enduring an hour and a half one way commute, fortunatly it's the worst thing about my Job. I'm now among the true ranks of the starving artist's, being paid to sing, dance and act...that's right I get to play for a living. completly awesome, and completly God. I'm going to try and do a photo journal for this year, posting photos and maybe some video from time to time to document my first year here. It's going to be great, it's only been four days, two of which spend in nothing but meetings, and I love it. I never dreamed of actually being able to do somthing like this, it's completly mind blowing to me. If anyone is still reading this, immediate friends in anycase, I'm giving an open invite to come and see the show's this year. let me know a head of time and I'll get you good tickets for cheap. This place is amazing...I just have to keep saying it.
A.T.H.

What Church should be...

I don't often have the answer that question. Normally my idea of "church" is vague and even I couldn't tell you what I really think it should be, but this morning it hit me. I've been up all night, I'm exhausted, I've got great news that I should be writing about, but what I just experienced was just too good. We had a youth all-nighter last night, it was fun but I don't want to do another one for a long time. This morning Mark(our youth pastor), Ben, and I, the three leaders for the evening, just started talking. The conversation was one that was long overdue for me. We talked about the church, what we liked, what we didn't like, but eventually the topic changed to theology, actually the question of Free will. It was good, questions firing back and forth, answers to try and support the statements that we were making. We referenced Scripture, Old and New Testaments, we didn't site anything outside of scripture actually. It really exemplified "working out your faith in fear and trembling." It reminded me of the conversations I would have at school with Allison, Morty, Jones, Erica, Jon, Jeff, and all the rest. I never felt like I needed to go to church, because we talked about our faith. We questioned each other, supported each other. I missed that...That's what church is supposed to be.
A.T.H.

...yeah...

Have you ever felt like your blowing something completely out of proportion? I know that I have a habit of doing that, and while I don't like I know that it's a part of me and I've come to know the signs of when I'm doing it. It's the price I pay for trying to be a practical romantic. In any case the particular situation doesn't matter...or at least I'm not going to be specific about it. This time I just can't tell. I can't decide if this is just my emotions getting the best of me or if I'm truly upset over this, and then I don't know what I want to do about it even if this is something that is real and not just some over blow fantasy I've created in my mind. There's not much to be said about situations you create in your mind in the Bible at least I've not found any. Though I guess it falls under the category of leaving all things to Christ and not worrying...I guess. That doesn't make me feel much better about the whole thing. I don't mean to sound unfaithful about this, but...I can't help this feeling right now. I'm just praying that if I can't come to a good decision that at the very least it doesn't blow up in my face...I can't have this blow up in my face.
A.T.H.

Harmonious Dischord...

There's nothing quite like trying to lead worship for a youth group. The blank faces, the people talking right in front of you, the adults sitting in the back waiting for everything else to get going, the pastors kid who stares back defiantly daring you to make him do anything. I normally don't care. Normally I just let it slip off my back. Normally I can just ignore it. Tonight though...tonight I'm sure that youth group would exist with out the music. It did before, and there wouldn't be anything different even know. I'm just disappointed is all. I'm not up there to give a concert, and if I was I'd treat it differently. Part of me thinks that maybe I should. Maybe I should treat it like a mini concert...but then I'm playing for them, and I frankly don't care what they think. None of them have very good taste...average high schooler musical taste. No I won't make it a mini concert. It's just frustrating, completely dis hearting, and it makes me wring their fat little necks. They want a mic in front of them, but they won't sing when there out there looking at you. They want to play, and confront you about not calling them and telling them about practices, but they don't show up for youth group...ever. They say they don't sing because they don't know the words, but when the words are put up in front of them they still just stare back at you like you just spit in their food.

I don't know what I can do. I don't know if I want to do anything. I don't know if I can. This is only temporary, but part of me would like to leave something behind. The other part of me wants to do something so shocking that it's scars the lot of them for life. There's this idiotic dichotomy I find in my self. The musician what's praise, for someone to tell him that what he does is good and worth listening too, and for people to enjoy him music. Because the music is apart of him, and to not like the music is to hate him. Then there's the servant...I want nothing more that to do my best, and to lead and play to the best of my ability because I'm doing this for God and the people in front of me. And who cares if they like the music or not because it's not fore them, the music is simply the catalyst for something higher. Bull. The music is the ultimate. It is the conduit for emotion, and in itself has life and breath and can survive beyond the simple rudimentary forms in which the so called pop stars find there fame. Taste via popularity, pure music prostituted into a form that is less than it was ever meant to be. Yes I am an elitist, yes I do think that I have a better ear than the average person out there...

This is my problem. The Musician and the Servant, the two constantly colliding never truly finding common ground. This is my dilemma. Constantly fighting off pride, and trying desperately to stay with in His will. Every time someone stares blankly, every time they refuse to sing, I can't stand it. I just...This is who I am.
A.T.H.

Thinking hard. sometimes some thing's got to give. I'm just not sure what.
A.T.H.