Dé Máirt, Eanáir 27, 2009

I took this picture with my phone when I was in Connecticut. I don't know why like it so much. Maybe it's because it explains who I am so well. Someone who seems to be just coming out of the darkness, or slowly sinking into it. I can't tell which sometimes. I can't tell even know. I feel odd, it's weird, not that I feel odd that's almost normal...which raises the question how I know I feel odd...I won't get into it anymore than to say that I know myself and I know when this are different. boring...I just realized I'm writing off the top of my head with no where to go...no where to go...trapped. I don't feel...

Dé hAoine, Eanáir 16, 2009

Things I remember...

Jenny and Erica used to sneak up behind me each grabbing an arm and start singing the Truly Scrumptious song from Chitty Chitty Bang Bang. They did this because I hate the song, lucky for them it made me love them even more. It's a simple memory, but it's one that I only remembered because I stumbled upon this photo while going through boxes of junk I needed to throw away. I remember my first senior year, Jenny ended up getting mono at the beginning of the year and went home to get better. She ended up not coming back at all that year. It was a sad day when I found that out. Erica and I both took it hard, and I really started to miss those little surprise sing-a-longs. Jenny was like a sister to me, and I've not heard from her in a long, long time. Miss you both.

What I want...

does it matter? Does it really matter what I want? Some would say no, that fate has chosen what I'm meant to do in my life, who I'll meet, what friends I'll have, whether or not I'll marry. I mean is that all there is? Has life decided for me what roll I'm to play in the world? Or is it simply safer that way...
What if what I want has merit? What if by one single decision I could change the world? What if what I wanted, was how God decided what I'm to be doing with my life? What are the desires of my heart? Are they placed there by a loving God directing me toward the path I should be walking? But this is dangerous you see. When my desires, my wants, have purpose I am then culpable for what I do and what happens because of what I do.
What if what I want...changes? Does that make what I wanted before any less right and true? Does it mean that what my wants become are now something less than before? Or worse yet, what happens you can't decide what you want? What is the pain you feel when you're torn between what you want?
What if you run from what you want? What if what you want scares you because your afraid you can't have it, or that you'll change into something you don't understand? Does it corrupt it when you want something you can't have, just by the nature of wanting it? Or is it the nature of the unavailability of what you want that makes it wrong? Can you hide from what you want, or are you fated to long for it, until you have it, until you want something else? And if you want something else does that mean that you never really wanted the other thing in the first place? Can you allow others to effect what you want? Is their objection to you wanting something a valid reason for then trying to not want it?

I don't know, and I don't see an easy answer. I do know that I now know what I want, and while I'm not sure if I can have it, I will pursue it. I've been brought up to believe that a man is honest, loyal, slow to anger, and while not eager to please willing to do so. Sometimes we live by our obligations to others, but sometimes we must be obligated to ourselves. Sometimes it's simply trying something new, following through on a project you started, but sometimes...sometimes it's laying it all out to be seen. There comes a time when it's best to lay all of your cards on the table, and see where you stand.

That's where I am. I'm about to show my hand, and what will come of it? The risk of it all is what is on my mind right now, does the dividend out weigh the risk? Do I have any real provocation for acting so? Right now, my only provocation is peace of mind. I simply need to know, and move forward. What I risk losing, what I have now no longer seems sufficient, and what I have to gain...we it's all I can think about. So much so that it keeps me up at night. I'm tired and I'm ready to sleep. God knows I need peace of mind, and I have only one option left. I can't see things staying the same, and I don't want them too.