The howling whirl wind with hurricane force
Drives me from all that which should be mine
Once thought sacrosanct, my very thought
Has turned to memory and even now seems like
Someone else’s story, from someone else’s time
The mind cannot be trusted to know black from white
So with animal instinct the mind is discarded
Trust moving like a misfit from organ to organ
Lost it seems, if only for a moment
Confusion is king here and his mistress is the heart
A mistress cold and warm, filled with grief and love
She finds comfort in the solace of knowledge
Knowledge not of books and the minds philosophy
But in the intent of purpose, the stoicalness of freedom
What the heart knows can only be known through confusion
Confusion comes now in the form of emotion
The mind speaks in words, but the heart in action
Through anger the heart bleeds
Through love the heart rejoices
Through emotion the heart is moved to more than ideal
And sometimes the heart cries
Through pain and lament the heart is changed
And this mistress takes on the gown of the widow
Clothed in black she hides away her crumbling form
And speaks to no one, but with tears
Dé Luain, Lúnasa 29, 2005
The howling whirl wind with hurricane force
Dé Domhnaigh, Lúnasa 21, 2005
I've gotten in to the habit of blog hopping. Some of them have been my friends and some of them are mere acquaintances. But one difference that I've noticed is a lack of social commentary on my part. This may lead to the thought that I'm not concerned with social concerns or society in general. This just isn't so. I am a student of society, an anthropologist of sorts. I like to know what make people tick, and in doing so I must also study society. While never impressed with it, I am normally intrigued by pop culture and the fads that seem to advance it, if it can be called advancement. But these aren't real social concerns are they? These are a just the movements of a pampered, infant culture that indulges itself in what it thinks is its most deserved and self-earned power, but I digress. There are of course more pressing social concerns, some would say the war in Iraq, others would say the removal of Israeli citizens from the Gaza Strip. Still more would speak of racism throughout the world., or the situation of the Indian Dalit people. Needless to say there are countless causes, not including the Miss Universe answers of ending world hunger and bringing about world peace. So why pick one?
We tend to argue over which one is better, and who is right. We write out treatises in the hopes that other will be so conviced that they mobilize into some sort of action. Even worse is what happens in the, and please excuse me for useing this cliche, "Christian sector." We have a propensity to over socialize the gospel. I say over socialize here simply meaning that the mandate of Christ comes with a certian social aspect. We are to 'Love your neighbour as yourself.' Other passage blatently state that there will be rewards for those who care for the helpless, or even that heaven may not be obtainable without helping them. Matthew 25:31-46 explicitly states that there will be a seperation between those who have done and those who have not done. Those who are considered the goats, those who are unrighteous and and not helped the helpless, sent away eventhough they do not understand how they failed. They are sent away from God forever. But again, I said over socialize. I sometimes think that we can get so caught up in our need to satisfy this social gospel that we forget why we are to do it. We as a church get caught in our fights over social issues like allowing homosexuals to be clergy or even apart of our congregation. I'm not here to argue this point so I'll withhold my thoughts on the issue. We waste so much time arguing and writing about these things. Personally I'm done with it. We are to love, and be love for those around us.
I cringe at the thought of war. I weep for those in Gaza who could not live peacefully with each other. I am moved to action for the Dalit denied the basic human dignity. I choose to love the homosexual. So social concerns...we write on them to make people aware of the situation, but it really doesn't do much good. At IWU we were taught, or at least it was jamed into our heads, to be world changers. I've adapted this a little bit. I define it as my world, the people in my area, the ones I come in contact with on a daily basis. I can't change the world. I can't change anyones mind. The first is something only God can do, and if he chooses to change the small portion I'll come in contact with in my sort life I am both honoured and willing to be used. The second is harder. Only the individual can change his mind. I can make my arguements, but in the end it is not my choise as to what you believe. I may write on some social issue later on, but it's not to provoke thought, not to bring light to a particular situation, or to move you to action. I have no reason so call anyone into action but myself. Provoke yourself, do not be provoked. I deal in philosophy for a reason. I only seek to stimulate the mind, my mind normally. If you come along for the ride that's fine too. I like it when I travel with people.
Dé hAoine, Lúnasa 19, 2005
...so I've been sitting here catching up on the lives of at least some of my friends by reading their various blogs. Liz, my great Canadian missonary friend, is currently in Japan teaching English. I knew that this was happening before tonight but hadn't heard anything from her in a while. My friend Josh Morton seems to be obsessed with the so-called social norm. He mentions Starbucks, a favorite haunt of mine, and lemon flavored or an flavor of water. I know that he's just being sarcastic in his responce to another blog, but I like to play ignorant from time to time just to provoke him. Not that anything here would be overly provoking.
I ended up remembering that I've not writen in a while and that the last time I wrote I promised to write about somthing else. My sincerest apologies to Amy, I'll get back to it at some point. My thoughts on the book of Ephesians are scattered at best and I am still left with many more questions that I simply havn't had time to think about. One question in particular relates to the philosophical question of reality. I had made a statement relating my thoughts on the spiritual nature of the book. Ephesians is where you find the passage "For we wrestle not against flesh and blood, but against principalities, against powers, against the rulers of the darkness of this world, against spiritual wickedness in high places." This passage should be familar to the guys in my chorale. I really think that this is the crux of the entire letter, and it is important to remember that when reading the rest of the letter. The letter is full of referances to the higher powers at work in the world, and the importance on being united against them. I don't quiet remember what I said, but I'm sure I made some distinction or some reference to there being a "real" world and a "spiritual" one. To this my professor wisly reminded me that Paul may not have seen a distinction between the two. I can, and probably should, get into this topic a little more, but I'll do that a little later on. As you can imagine there are streams of questions flowing from this, and personally I've yet to formulate an adequate response. So I hope that gets you started, and hopfully I'll beable to respond to this further at a later time.
On a happy note, not that anything so far has been unhappy, I'm done with my summer traveling. That's right, no more long car rides, no more 24 hour follies, praise the Lord I'm done. This last trip was extremly fruitful, I am now gratefully employed. I'm taking the internship position in CT, and am every excited about it. That's actually where I was this past weekend. I visited, I sang, I enjoyed myself, and became ever increasingly impressed if not a bit intimidated by the area and sheer quality of the music that they do there. It was amazingly impressive, and I'm going to greatly enjoy my time there.
I've also watched two movies in the past couple of days, The Godfather and Sin City. Now the Godfather I've seen before. It's a great peice of cinema, and I was in the mood for something manly and not necessarily thought provoking. Sin City, is a great new addition to the Film Noir genre. If you've never seen anything from this genre, the quintessential film noir is dark in its cinematography with an equally dark plot, filled with antiheros and people you would love to hate if you didn't feel so sorry of them. It's understandly why I like them so much. Sin City is a great peice of work, and if you can stand a good bit of blood, bad language, a little nudity, and some scantily clad women, then you might want to pick this one up. It's not for the faint of heart and if you're looking for somthing light hearted this definatly isn't the film for you, but if your like me and you want to explore the seedy underbelly of human existance than this movie is for you. But don't take my word for it. (que reading rainbow outro)
So there you have it. I've pretty much summed everything that's not overly personal in my life right now. There is still the Ephesian question left to ponder, and life goes on, as it normally does. So I'll leave you with the immortal words of Dr. Suzano...more to come!
Dé Máirt, Lúnasa 09, 2005
I recieved something today that I've been waiting for for a long time. My copy of the pictures and dvd that steve was sending everyone from my New Zealand team. I had time, or rather I made time, to sit down and look at all of them. I laughed, I cried, I got staired at by my mom as I tried to explain some of what was going on. I was increasingly suprised to find all of the details that I remembered. I know that it wasn't that long ago but still memories fade and things get fuzzy, there's nothing odd or wrong about that it's just the way it is. But as I sat and watched those images flashing before my eyes, I could remember every detail, every impression, every emotion attached to the image on the screen. I remembered being freaked out of my mind at that first friday night meeting with the Tongan youth. We all had been caught by surprise, what do you do when you just find out that you and your group are incharge of the next hour or so, and that they are looking forward to the service that we've prepared. Prepared? Did you prepare anything? I didn't prepare anything, I mean my guitar is in the van. I didn't think that we'd need it. Oh nutz!
I remembered everything. It was a wonderful thing, just to sit and remember somthing so vividly. The pictures definatly helped. They allowed me to put faces to the names that I've been telling my family. It was just a great time for me if no one else. It put a smile on my face. I remembered again how badly I want to go back someday. I remembered the smiles on my friends faces, and I heard their laughter. Sometimes all you need is a picture to spark a memory, and sometimes all you need is a memory.
Between that and my contued research into the book of Ephesians, which is bring about as many questions as answers. I'll probably write about this later on, I need to coalesce my thoughts and formulate some actual questions before I do that. My questions right now just have a lot to do with the evidence and the idiosyncrasies that come up between the data. I love history. No matter who you'll ask, you'll never get the same answer twice. I was this close to becomeing a historian, but I like being outside to much. Anyway, I need to sleep. More on the history of Ephesus to come.
Dé Luain, Lúnasa 08, 2005
I have many friends, and while I make it my business to discern from them their emotions both towards me and towards daily life...I'm not always as discerning as I like to think that I am. It is possible then that someone I don't know very well harbors feelings for me and that I am unaware of them. Though I like to think that I would be observant enough to notice that, or that that person would make themselves known to me.
Now, before I over step my bounds and out rightly assume that you are such a person, let me set at least one thing straight. I am happy being single. My confusion that I talked about in my last blog is simply my inability to reconcile that feeling with the strong feelings that I still hold for one of my dearest friends. That's really all that it is. I write things down to get them out and into the air. It helps me understand what I'm thinking and how I feel if I write them down. So, my anonymous commenter, if you are the person you write about just keep in touch, write to me, tell me what your up to. If your not, thanks for responding. I don't mean to sound down and out, maybe just melancholic. You too should keep in touch, not everything I write about is so confusing and melancholic in nature. At least I don't intend it to be.
Dé Domhnaigh, Lúnasa 07, 2005
Slow, ever so slowly, the confusion is lifting. The past couple days have been...weird, I guess that would be the word for it. Whether it all stems from being tired, I don't know, but I has been almost impossible to gather my thoughts and put together one coherent thought. I've been doing a lot of writing on the side to help. I've written song lyrics, though I haven't looked at them yet and I'm not sure there any good. I've written a letter, or at least part of it. The letter is probably the most confusing of all my rantings and scribblings. Letters have recipients, and I'm not sure who this one is too. It's possible that it's for the person whose name I've placed at the top, but then again it's very possible that the letter is for me and will never be sent. It's something I'll only know when I've finished it, and even then if it's for the person whose name stands at the top of the page it still may not be sent. So...Some of the confusion is lifting, but much of it is still veiling my eyes.
So much of my life right now is like that though. I guess I should be getting used to it by now, but there is just something about it, call it human fear of the unknown, that prohibits me from becoming comfortable with my current situation. Again maybe this is just a divine set up, a movement in providence, an unveiling of sorts to reveal to my sight the kind of awkward, blinded existence that I'm stepping into. I don't want this to sound like I'm surprised, shocked, or even caught off guard by this. I know full well, as I believe any thinking person would, that life is full of surprises, of veiled emotion, and caution movement forward. I still plan, and hopefully even now, to live boldly. To step out when it seems hard, and I guess that this is where my problems lies. In one sense I want to step out, I want to live boldly and say the things I feel I need to say, but in another sense...I've known for a long time, though my friends will attest that I don't always act this way, that prudence is often then best course of action. Sometimes you just need to know when to keep your mouth shut, and live like nothing is bothering you at all.
So what is to be done? I know that this has been rather ambiguous, and I do apologize for that, but I just don't think that laying the full story on the line right now, especially with the way I feel is the best gambit to be played. So...Now what? I think that I'll finish that letter first and see what happens next.
Dé Céadaoin, Lúnasa 03, 2005
I've come the the conclusion that I'm no longer going insane. I think I've reached my destination at least half a year ago, and I'm finally realizing it. I managed to make it to Nate and Maria's wedding, but I was dumb enough to do it in one day. Up at four, on the road by five, Eau Claire by 1:30, wedding at 2:30, reception till 7:30, home again home again by four. It was a great day, though I don't want to do that again anytime soon. But it all had to be done, to meet up with everyone on monday, and by everyone I mean Erica in particular. I wish I wouldn't have been as tired, but I guess that's was I had to give to get there. I was great to see her again, I just wish that we would have more time to talk. I was just so tired from the day before that I couldn't think straight for most of the day, and by the time I felt better it was just about time for us to part ways again. I don't know when I'll see her again, and all I really could think about today was the next time we'd meet. So with a hug we said good bye again, to be honest I didn't want to say good bye. I didn't want to let go, and it took a lot just to walk away. I don't know...I'm tired. I'm going to bed.