Dé Máirt, Deireadh Fómhair 31, 2006

Not much of anthing...

It's very interesting that I could feel disapointment over not getting somthing, even after I purposefully talked myself out of it. It's just so strange. I can't seem to wrap my mind around it. I talked myself out of it. It doesn't even matter that I talked myself out of it. I'm free, which is what I wanted...and that disapoints me. It really makes me want to hit somthing. It's just frustraiting. Am I that far gone? Please tell me this is normal.

The hardest thing I have to do in my life is talk to my friends about their relationships, especially when they're not going so well. I want to reach out, to hold them. It kills me on the inside. It's not becuase I'm not in a relationship, that's not the point. I don't like the fact that I don't have anyone in my life like that, but it doesn't bother me that much. I just feel for my friends, I want to do everything that I can for them, and it very feel like I've done enough. There's always somthing more that I could do, somthing else that I could say. It's just that tend to be active, I'm never satified with words. It's part of the reason I want to go into the missionfield. I can't just take a passive approch, I need to go.

I go to talk to Pam today. First time I think since Amy's wedding. It was great to talk to her, just to find out what she's up to and how she's doing. We talked about grad school, and what I should expect. We might meet up in NYC in December, catch the Opera, just have some fun. Actually this week has been a catch up we for me. Yesterday I had an hour long conversation with probably my best friend from High School. I've not talk to him in 6 years or more and then just out of the blue he calls. It was great to just catch up and hear what he's been doing since college. John-Phillipe is a great guy and I always hated that I lost track with him.

this post has been about a lot and really nothing at all. I've got a good story from the weekend, but right now this is what's on my mind.

Dé Máirt, Deireadh Fómhair 24, 2006

a few thoughts...

There are things that I've never told anyone. I have my reasons for some of them, and for others...I just can't make the timing work.
I get jealous easily and it's somthing I hate about myself.
I never feel content with where I'm at or what I have, and I fear the times that I am content.
I rush to change, but what things to stay the same.
I have conversations with myself, and every once and a while I answer back.
I tell a good story, but even I don't believe them.
I'm full of advice but can't seem to follow any of it.
I've stopped making plans because they never work.
There are certain things in life that I want, but I don't know how to go about getting them.
I suck at conversations, I never know what to say.
I hate that the people I like live worlds away, and I never get to see them.
If I was a man, I'd tell you...