Dé Máirt, Eanáir 31, 2006


What does it mean for my faith if a planet is found with life on it. Is my God big enough for two worlds? What if it's true and they've never heard of Christ? Am I suddenly worried over nothing?

A french man commenting on america said that said that the state of the church has changed since the days of Tocqueville. I would imagine that it has, but what does that mean? He said he visited the great churches of america, names like willow creek and saddleback. He called my God, buddy buddy after a fashion. A great friend to the people. This man seemed un effected by this friendly god. Is that who I worship? Do I pray to my friend, and nothing more? Is that who I truly represent? Is this a bad thing, or has something been lost in translation?

Rick Warren, is obviously a Calvinist. Not that I care, but the facts are facts. Is there truly a reason for everything, or is that just more wishful thinking. Doors open and doors close, are they just euphemisms for having to do something we didn’t want to do in the first place. Does it really matter in the long run whether I chose or I was chosen? Will I ever really know? Are there some things in that are just meant to be? Was I really the one who was supposed to sing that song on Sunday, praying through the service that I wouldn’t be me that they would see? Or was it just a fluke, did Tim just get sick at the last minuet?

What is the point of doing something to please someone else it you feel you are just wasting your time? What is the point of talent? Why practice when it’s all just going to come out anyway? What does the effort prove? Why does not practicing the worship music bother me? Is it truly better to just not do something you don’t have your heart in, or should you plug through it just because that’s what everyone else wants? What’s the point if your hearts not in it, especially as the leader.

I don’t want to lose my voice students. I like teaching them, and the income is nice too.

Why is there nothing so infuriating as when a child lies to you, straight faced? What makes them do it? Is it learned, is it taught? Are we truly born so deprived that we lie and think of nothing other than ourselves from day one? Is the wrong inbreed and right a learned response? Must the leash be kept so short, that we can’t be trusted to stay within the boundaries? Why did I get so angry at that?

I’m so tired of wanting to be in love. I don’t want to try. I don’t want to care. I don’t want to be jealous of my friends. I don’t want to listen to another person complain because they’ve not found the one they’re looking for. I don’t want my mom to talk about me being married and having kids. I tired of the world treating love like a game. I’m tired of wanting to be content. I’m tired of what the world has made it out to be. I hate the lizards on our shoulders. I’m tired of worrying about my friends, and I’m tired of not hearing from them.

Why, if everything were pre-ordained, would God allow a child to have leukemia? Why were pain, sickness, and death needed to create a more perfect world? Sometimes I think that if we allowed God one mistake, things could be explain a lot easier.

Faith, Hope, Love…Sometimes I think God asks too much…and every time I do, I’m ashamed to admit it.

Terence said, “Quot Homines Tot Sententiae.” Voltaire said to “judge a man by his question rather than by his answers.” Einstein says, “The important this is not to stop questioning.” Christ said, “Seek and you will find, Ask and it will be given to you, knock and the door will open.”

So I ask.


Dé Luain, Eanáir 23, 2006

Kind of...

I'm not feeling so hot right now...Kind of lonely...Kind of sad...Kind of depressed...Kind of anxious...
It's hard to explain, when you don't understand yourself. I...am without words...

Dé Céadaoin, Eanáir 18, 2006


This is the message you heard from the beginning: We should love one another. Do not be like Cain, who belonged to the evil one and murdered his brother. And why did he murder him? Because his own actions were evil and his brother’s where righteous. Do not be surprised, my brothers, if the world hates you. We know that we have passed from death to life, because we love our brothers. Anyone who does not love remains in death. Anyone who hates his brother is a murderer, and you know that no murderer has eternal life in him.
This is how we know what love is: Jesus Christ laid down his life for us. And we ought to lay down our lives for our brothers. If anyone has material possessions and sees his brother in need but has no pity on him, how can the love of God be in him? Dear children, let us not love with words or tongue but with actions and in truth. This then is how we know that we belong to the truth, and how we set our hearts at rest in his presence whenever our hearts condemn us. For God is greater than our hearts, and He knows everything.
Dear friends, if our hearts do not condemn us, we have confidence before God and receive from him anything we ask, because we obey his commands and do what pleases him. And this is His command: to believe in the name of his Son, Jesus Christ, and to love one another as He commanded us. Those who obey his commands live in Him, and he in them. And this is how we know that He lives in us: We know it by the spirit He gave us…
Dear Friends, let us love one another, for love comes from God. Everyone who loves has been born of God and knows God. Whoever does not love does not know God, because God is love. This is how God showed his love among us: He sent his one and only Son into the World that we might live through him. This is love: NOT that we loved God, but that He loved us and sent his Son as an atoning sacrifice for our sins. Dear friends, since God so loved us, we also ought to love one another. No one has ever seen God; but if we love one another, God lives in us and his love is made complete in us.

No, these words are not mine. John penned them almost two millennia ago. We sometimes get caught in between the words here. We believe that there is so much we have to do to keep God’s love. Even if we don’t think of it that way, I think subconsciously we’ve convinced ourselves that we have some great part in all of this. It says that we can have “confidence before God and receive from him anything we ask.” All he asks in return is for us to obey His commands. We’re even told what that command is, “believe in the name of His Son, and to love one another.” That’s it. It’s that simple. But why then is it so hard for us to love? We talk about loving God and loving others, but we so often fail. I so often fail, maybe your better at this than I am, I don’t know, but I know that I fail. I read that next part. I read how God loved us before we could ever truly love Him back. I read the price of my life, not my sins. The price for my sins was my death, but the price for my life was greater. The price for my life cost someone else his life. It cost someone else his son. And all that person wants from me is for me to love him? Humanity reels at the idea that what cost someone else so much, would cost us any less, but to be honest I don’t understand that either. We’re such a consumer driving people, we want something but we don’t want it to cost and arm and a leg. I get angry because I have to pay 2.50 for a gallon of gas and am sure I’m being cheated. So why isn’t that we haven’t caught on to the bargain of the ages? Is it possible that we realize with realizing it that love, true love, not the adulterated idea of love known as romance, but the word, the action, the feeling that breathed life into the world, that shaped and molded it, isn’t – really – free. That for us to love Him back would mean that we were sorry for things that hurt him, for killing his son, that we’d have to give up our plans and follow His, that we’d have to say we were wrong, that we should have pulled over and asked for directions years ago, but were too stubborn to do it, that we actually like worrying about our live because then when it all goes to pot, we know who to blame it on, or at least can think of a way to blame it on someone else. That’s why we don’t want to love those around us…because if we love them, we love Him. And that is harder than it seems to be. I can still hear him say it, “come to me, my yoke is easy, and my burden light.” All you have to do is love. All you have to do is be who you never knew you could be. The funny thing is, all He wants to do is make us what we were. We’ve forgotten what it’s like to be like Him, to walk with him, to look into his eyes, to simply be with him. We’re the ones who are broken. I don’t have much of a point to this; I do, but I don’t. I’ve read over this passage at least twice a day since Sunday, and this is what I have. Nothing. Questions without answers, answers without questions, and underneath it all a desire to do nothing but live this out. I want so much to be worthy of the price, to know in my heart that it’s not in vain. Maybe God’s love is something I can’t understand. Maybe love is something I can’t understand. Maybe that’s why we make such a mess of it; distort it until its something it was never meant to be, a lizard on your shoulder that really should be a white stallion. I’m just wrestling with things here so if your confused…just go on about your life like you would. Ignore the ramblings of a young, professionally confused, bohemian, who’s got a knack for music.

Déardaoin, Eanáir 12, 2006


I feel like a circus clown. Not the Ringling Brothers one that gets his head stuck in a horses butt. The cirque du soleil one that comes out with the sad music and the blue and gray color scheme and everyone feels bad for, but then the magic fairy women comes out and spins on a string around him making him dizzy and then there is happy music and everything looks fruity again and the clown is dragged off stage because his brain hemorrhaged from the sudden shift in music and color scheme. I feel like that clown.

Dé Luain, Eanáir 09, 2006

Frustrated is an easy word

Frustrated would be the closest thing to explaining what I feel like right now. That point where anger and confusion collide, when there are no easy answers and dwelling on what is happening is simply not helping any more. Unfortunately, I'm all too accustomed to this feeling. I've spent most of the last 5 days wondering why I'm here. Not the grand philosophical question, you know ultimate question that has an answer of 42, but a smaller, minute version of the question that grates on all of us from time to time. Here being Connecticut, why am I here? I'm not sure how much I want to say on this matter, but I'm not sure that this internship is all it was cracked up to be. There are times when I feel that I'm doing a lot, and I really have enjoyed the...majority of my time here. Meeting a new part of the body is always exciting for me and always worth my time, yet I can't help but feel that I'm not the correct person for this internship. As a vocalist, it’s not been worth it. As a chorister is been fun, at times enlightening, and at the very least interesting. As a conductor, again sadly it’s not been worth it. As a worship leader, it's been interesting simply because I'm no longer immersed in the not quite, yet so close, post-modern worship at IWU. Here Hymns are still very much the order of the day on every Sunday, with a small homage given to "modern" praise songs right before the sermon. I'm sometimes left with a dry feeling in my mouth, wishing that we'd simply not do the "praise chorus." They don't quite feel thrown in at the last minute, I believe that they're appreciated, but they just don't seem to fit. There's to much of a contrast going from a classical prelude that was played either by the pipe organ, the occasional brass quintet (Broadway caliber), or possibly the bell choir, the organ/brass accompanied hymns, the full choral anthem and the two or three small praise chorus that we rush through on a Sunday morning. I'm all for blending a service. I love the brass, I like the organ, I love the hymns, but this time I could do with out the attempt at the modern choruses.
I'm half way through this internship and while I would go as far to say that I wish I hadn't taken it, I do wish I were more involved. I majored church music not interior design. That's not a knock on anyone who has; it’s just that I seem to be doing more of that than actual church music. There is still the kid’s choir, which starts up again on Wednesday, and the Middle School Choir that is slowly getting off the ground. Those have both been good experiences so far and hopefully will stay that way. They've of course not been without they're frustrating moments, but that's to be expected. I guess in a way it's all to be expected. There's only one constant when your working with people and that is change. So I’ll be happy with all the changes, surprises, accidental mishaps, blatant pass-overs, annoyances, frustrations, and even the fact that I’m moving…again, because whether or not I think I’m learning something, I still am, and that in the end will make it all worth it.

Dé Domhnaigh, Eanáir 01, 2006


You Are Apple Pie
You're the perfect combo of comforting and traditional Those who like you crave security
What Kind of Pie Are You?