Dé hAoine, Aibreán 24, 2009


my life has changed...I'm not the man I was when I left college. If fact I would have to say that I've changed more in the last year, then I did during my entire collegiate career. The fundamentals are still the same, I am still me. I'm still sarcastic to a fault, I still find humor in dark subjects, my faith is steadfast if not always as strong as I would like it to be, I still see the beauty in small things, the things that most people know about me are still the same. It's really the small things that have changed about me, my overall world view has changed, I question more, trust less. I question myself more and more, and seem to find that the conclusions that I come too are not always the ones I'm comfortable with. I find myself more an more trying to separate my feelings from what actually is. Sometimes it's easy and simple, sometimes it's hard to tell where one stops and the others begin. We spend so much time steeped in emotion, we often let them guide us solely, and sometimes that is the right action. Sometimes we need to jump in with both feet, led by the heart, not caring what the consequences maybe, knowing only that they are worth enduring. But sometimes we have to separate ourselves from what we feel, so that we can step back and take moment to understand the situation better, know the consequences, know which evil we are to chose.
I don't find myself in the situation currently, but it has been where my thoughts are lately. My thoughts have been dark lately, but not always, and not for long. I've been spending a great deal of time alone, which ultimately means I've spent a lot of time thinking. never a good idea, I know. I was talking to Liz last night, we were going to watch a movie together...which means we were going to watch the same movie while talking on the phone...but that didn't happen. I talked a lot last night. I know that a lot of it sounded depressed, melancholic, it was a dark day. I was alone, didn't have much to do, I've been confused lately about my career choice. I have the sinking feeling that I'm not cut out for this, but I enjoy it too much to not give it my best shot. I think the thing is, I just have so much that I want to do. I'm afraid of getting stuck in a situation where I can't get out simply because I need to pay the bills. I'm terrified of that. There's so much to do. I want to act, I want to be the music minister in a church, I want be an academic and pursue knowledge, I want to go into the mission field, I want to teach, I want to get married and start a family. I good many of these can be followed with the phrase "Someday...". One at a time, maybe two. Each in their time, in God's time. I just wish, and I say this with all reverence and respect, that God would hurry up. I've always wanted to know the ending first, I've learned to take joy in the journey, it's just that there are times during the journey that you wish that it was over. (I don't mean completely)
Last Saturday was gorgeous. Clear blue skies, upper 60's, not humid at all. So I went hiking...naturally. I drove to Doubling Gap, about an 1hr and half away so that I could hike Flat Rock. It's 5 miles round trip, 2.5 miles up and thus the same back. 2.5 miles of pure hell. I hate hiking it, I dread it. I know that it will take me at least 2hrs just to get up. That I'll stop every fifty yards, simply because my legs can't take it anymore. I'll contemplate turning around every time I stop. I'll swear out loud at myself for doing something as absurd as hiking to Flat Rock. And I mean swear, those of you unfortunate enough to see me truly angry know what that looks like. It's quite impressive if I say so myself, dirty, hot, tired, and unable to express myself in anything but "four letter words." This is one of the reasons I normally hike alone. The thing is I know all of this before I go. I know exactly what it's going to be like, and I know exactly what the temperature will do to further exacerbate the problem. I know all of this and yet I take the best day of the year so far and throw it into at least 2hrs of what was described to me on Saturday as a "hell walk." Why? Because I know what waits for me at the end of those 2hrs of hell. I'm not going to share a picture, I'm not going to explain to you what you see, any attempt to do so would cheapen the experience. If you're ever in the area on a nice day and want to see something breath taking, just ask and I'll try not to swear to much...
I say all this because I know that this is what life is like. I know that in the end everything will make sense, or with all hope it all won't matter. The end may not justify they means, but it will give purpose to the journey. It will all have meaning in the end. It all has meaning now, I just seem to be stuck on the fact that I don't know what that meaning happens to be. I know it has purpose, He gave it purpose. I may not always seem happy, but I always have joy. May He never let me be content, complacent, or contrived. May He always keep me true, loyal, persistent, and loving. Amen.
To the journey, and the destination...may I enjoy them both...someday.