Dé Máirt, Samhain 15, 2005

Ups and downs

Life is full of ups and down. Anyone has live for more than three minutes out in the open knows this for a fact. And it starts right away, we can't get away from it. We start off warm and safe never feeling hungry, then all of a sudden we're squezed through a tiny whole we shouldn't be able to fit through and some guy we don't know holds upside down in the cold frigide air and discrase of all discrases, he smacks us on the crack. If that's not a clue to you that the rest of life may no me sunshine and roses I don't know what is.

My weekend was a veritable roller coaster. Friday was apprehensive with moving into a new house, again not a place of my own but it's not a bacement either. I really wasn't worried with all that, though. I don't like moving. I don't like packing everying up, and having to load and unload it. This is an oddity because I love to travel, I love new places and new people, yet I hate packing. You see when I start packing I start thinking of everything that I am leaving behind. Not necessarily the immediate things, but I remember my friends and family that I've left behind and won't be seeing in anytime soon. I remember all of the memories that I have, good and bad. I start feeling sentimental about the whole situation, which makes me wish I was somewhere else. It also makes me think about my future and who this is what I have to look forward to, not in a overly bad way though. I think about how I don't expect to have a home, and yesterday about how there's no one really to share that with. I like being single, but that is the one thing I've not been able to get over yet, the fact that when somthing good happens there no one at home to tell it too. After I get settled in this all goes away, of course. It just make for a rough couple of hours or how ever long I'm packing and moving.

Saturday on the other hand, was hillarious. I had decided that it had been too long since I had last been into NYC, so I made it a point to go. Kelly went with me and we had a blast. We walked around Wall st and checked out Trinity Church, which is an amazing Pre-Revalution building and Church yard. Alexander Hamilton is burried there, as well as a few other people influential to the beginnings of our country. We walked around Chinatown and had lunch/dinner at Joe's Shanghi, a great place for Dumplings. After that we walked through a lot of the shops looking for anything really. We did find a store that was selling china for cheap (tea pots, plates, bowls, really anthing you'd want), and we both vowed to come back. We went up to times square and walked to Rockefeller Center and watched people skate on the rink for a while. The tree was up, but not lit yet. We walked on almost to the park before we decided to turn around an come back to Times Square. We decided we'd head back to Connectiquet at this point, but realized we only had about 10 mins to catch our train. So, I suggested dessert. We went to Angelo's, an Italian resturant across the street from Carnegie Hall. I had the Tiramisue and kelly had cheesecake. We still had to rush back to Grand Central to catch our train, which we were just on time for. It was at this point the conductor came over the loud speaker and said that the metro-North New Haven Line was going to be delaied...about 15 mins. Even Better when we got to Stamford we were told that the train could go no further and that we could take busses to our stops. Kelly and I got shuffled onto a bus which took us to South Norwalk, which was past were we wanted to go. We had to hop a cab back to our station. I thought this was completly hillarious for some reason.

Sunday was normal, up at 6:30 and at the church by 7:30. I finally got to leave at about 1pm after cleaning up the sound equipment. I went to Sactuary, which has a Chaple feel for those from IWU (except for the fact that its good and I actually want to go). They had a dinner afterwards so I stayed for free food and got to meet some people there. I even found gas for 2.29 on the way back. I was excited. And then there was yesterday.

The day started out benignly enough, but after a while I started feeling aprehensive again. I've been checking out schools that I might want to apply to, but to this point havn't had time to make any real decisions. I noticed yesterday that many of the applications have to be in by the end of the month, or the beginning of December. I should add here that these schools arn't schools that I'm likely to get into. Eventhough I know this, and I put them up there simply to look at and use as reference, I started to freak out. I spent the rest of the day worrying about what I'm going to do next. My Low self-esteem managed to come back telling me that I'm an idiot for even thinking that I could do grad. school in the first place, let alone even be qualified for any of the jobs I was looking for. So by 4pm I felt like crap. I didn't know what I was meant to do anymore and I didn't care. I just wanted to go home to PA, curl up on my bed, and cry because I didn't have anyone to share my life with because no one would be stupid enough to take me. But I didn't...I went to McDonald's instead. I drove to Cove Island park, and sat in my car and watched the sunset as I ate. I wasn't sure of anything, but I knew that God had set somthing in motion that I could sit and watch and take my mind off of my worries. And as I sat there watching it get darker and darker the thought came across my mind that it didn't matter what I did next. My next decision wasn't going to ruin my life. I'm 24, single, willing to go almost anywhere and do almost anything. I heard the though come across my mind, "be faithful." Just be faithful. I was reminded one more time that my future isn't in my hands, and I was annoyed that I had suddenly in a fit of angst tried to snatch it back from the one who had it planed out before I gave it to him. The rest of the day was a bit more fun after that.

Life is full of ups and downs. But like I told Kelly last night on our way to Trumble and the High school choir practice, if we focus on one thing that goes wrong we start looking for the other things to go wrong. Everything in the right perspective can look like its backfired. We can CHOOSE to see the things are going right. We can CHOOSE to be positive. I've worried a lot in my past and it's not done me any good. I worried most of the day away yesterday, and I now I wish I hadn't. What did you choose to do yesterday? What did you choose to do to day? What are you worrying about right now?


Anonymous said...

Thanks for your openness. The whole be faithful thing was something that I definitely needed to hear tonight. Good luck with grad schools or whatever you do!

Combs said...

Dear Anony...
You are very much welcome. I won't ever profess to be a smart person, but I would like the think that I've gained just a little wisdom. I'm not sure what your going through, but just remember to have faith. We were only ever told to have faith like a mustard seed but even that can be so elusive. Just trust in Him for what will happen next.

Amy said...

great stuff. thanks for making me laugh out loud and making me think and vulnerably sharing your heart all in the same post. miss ya!