Dé Céadaoin, Iúil 09, 2008

Things unsaid...

I've been reading old posts...I'm not sure what to think about them either. I like them, but they're mine I kind of have to like them. The one thing that really stuck out was the topics I chose to write about. Mostly they where centered around relationships, or rather the relationships that I would like to have. I don't know what to think about that. Of course relationship are important to me, but they're important to everyone, to one degree or another. I guess that they are just normally at the forefront of my mind, so when I start to write that's what comes out. Relationships, or my lack there of. As if I find my self worth based in them. I don't, or at least I don't think that I do. Maybe it's because I'm surrounded by them. Even to night, I spend time with a couple from work. I didn't intend to, but it turned out that we we're the only ones who went for wings tonight. I enjoyed the time, they're both friends and I feel comfortable around them. In fact I love to hang out with the both of them. We've do this twice, where it ends up being Ben, Kristan, and me. We sit and talk and enjoy each other's company, and I don't feel like a third wheel. I would even go so far as to say that I enjoy watching them interact as a couple. They are just a blessing to be around. They make me feel comfortable even though I'm the single guy at the table, they're the kind of couple that make me hope that one day I'll be in that type of relationship.

I was in a relationship a few months back. Romantically it lasted maybe two weeks. I ended it. I ended because it was going so fast for me. She was great, she was lovely, wonderful, funny, but it happened so fast. I never saw it coming, and I wasn't ready for it, and all of a sudden there it was. I got scared, just a little...maybe more than a little. So, I ended it. I didn't do it with the idea of backing up, spending some time getting to know her, or making sure I was doing the right thing. I did it because I was uncomfortable with the idea of having someone that close. There I said it. I'm not an open person, I've never been an open person, and I found myself telling her the things that I didn't want to tell anyone. So, I stopped. But I knew I was doing the right thing. She came over one Sunday after church, she sat in my chair and asked me straight out if there was a chance for us. Part of me actually wanted to say yes. Yes, there is a chance for us, but just not right now. I've been alone for so long that when I finally wasn't I wasn't comfortable with the idea. I couldn't handle it at all. I kind of wanted to be with her, but not really. I didn't think that was fair so I told her, with a heavy heart, no. I stopped thinking about it. I felt hounded even after that. She would send me text messages a lot. She would call and ask to come over. None of my other friends did that. In fact if I want to hear from one of my friends it seems that I need to call them, or text them first. I got annoyed, and acted like a jerk. Something I wish I hadn't done. I started to build the walls back up that seemed to have fallen down. A few weeks ago she started dating some other guy, a new guy in the cast. At first I was fine with it. I was happy for her. Then I snapped. What the hell had I just done? I wanted to be in a relationship, remember? I wanted to date someone, remember? All this longing after people who don't spend enough time to give you the time of day, all this wishing you could find someone who actually liked you for a change, and now it's gone? I actually tried to get her back, but that didn't happen. In fact I almost succeeded in the complete destruction of any relationship that had left. It's been a process to getting to today.

I've been trying to understand why I did what I did. It doesn't make sense to me. But today, walking in the animal hallway, I started to think about the situation again and immediately stopped and though it'll work out the way that it will work out...and I moved on. Now would I date her given the chance...yes, I would. Do I see that happening...no I don't.

I had a rather bad day today. I woke up 20 minuets after I should have been at work for tour this morning. I slept through one alarm, and two phone calls. I was not impressed at the time, but I kind of am now. I got there in time for tour to start, and actually tour went well. We had a good group, and they asked a lot of questions. Later at cast meeting I found out that the Casting Director wanted to see me for 5 minuets. I knew exactly what the reason was, and exactly what she was going to say. "We're going to keep you in the backup position." I knew this, but was still thoroughly disappointed when I heard the actually words. You see backup is the number three position for a roll, but for Lucifer, the roll I currently "backup," there are only two of us. Which makes me the understudy by proxy. I feel like I'm being jerked around. I feel taken advantage of. I feel like I want to call the principle, who's a friend of mine, and telling him to pick a day when we both just don't show up for a show. I wanted to just go home at this point, but I didn't. the show must go on. My show run was bad, I couldn't get my timing right, I couldn't get my mind in the scenes, I missed dance steps, flubbed notes. I just had a bad day. Then said girl above asks me how I'm doing, so I tell her. I'm having a bad day. She sent me a text on the way home saying if I need someone to talk to she'd be there. I read that in my car, and I guy reaction was "no you won't. Not the way I'd want you to be." I can't tell her that. For friendship sake I can't tell her that. So I talked to Ben and Kristan, and I felt better. The right people, at the right time, for the right purpose.

I don't think she was the right person at the right time, but I guess only time will truly tell. Just like Sarah wasn't that person in High School, and Erica wasn't that person at University. This is where this gets hard. My mind is completely empty right now, and I'm writing in the present. There are few people in my life that I would consider dating. Erica, I would date, but know that it would never happen. I'm fine with that. This current girl I would date, but it can't happen. I'm not sure I'm fine with that but I do still think that I was right in the first place...no matter how much I've gone back on that thought, and seconded guessed it. And Liz, I would date, but she's a thousand miles away, and for all that I can ponder out has no interest in dating me. I have a picture of the two of us siting above my computer. It's from the last day we were on Caton's Island, inside the mess hall. Do you remember? I love that picture. I always have. I always thought that we looked good together in that picture. Liz has always been in the back of my mind as someone that I liked, and that I thought that I could date if we ever lived close enough, but that chance has never happened. And the logistics of a long distance relationship of that magnitude have always been daunting to me. I've often thought about how it might work, but I never get very far in the planing, mostly because it would take the both of us to make it work, and that's something that we've never had. That's it. Three women, that I would date, and seemingly none that I can.

I've spent the last six months living outside of my box. I'm completely steeped in a life that I never thought that I would be involved in, living a dream basically. A dream that I did not prepare for, was not planing on, yet here I am an Actor by trade. I have an audition coming up on the 14th for a new show, and the possibility of staying at sight and sound another year. It's because of this that I've been taking that chance to say those things that I've never said, or maybe just hinted at. It's better to have said them I think, than to have wished you said them after it was too late. Things that need to be said. The things I wrote about here were some of them. I need to clear the air, even if it on a blog that no one reads anymore. I want a relationship, but I want it with who I want it. I'm not good at intimacy, or relationships but I do try. I try to open up. Maybe it is as simple as a friend of mine said, "maybe it wasn't God's timing." Maybe. Maybe it wasn't God's person. Maybe. Maybe I just screwed up royally and have to suffer for a while. Maybe. It's been an uncomfortable, but good six months.


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