the things I miss...and somthings I won't

Kelly and I were talking yesterday, and we’ve both come to the same conclusion. We didn’t come to it right away, but we really just had to admit it to each other. We miss being at school. I know that this may come as a shock to some of you, especially to anyone who talked to me at all my last two years at college. I know that I made endless statements about leaving and never coming back, about not missing the place at all, but some thing’s changed. The past couple of days I’ve been a little lonely, missing my friends and professors, and while I didn’t out rightly wish that I were somewhere else, I was coming close to it. I actually admitted yesterday that I even miss been in class. No all of my classes mind you, but defiantly some of my classes. I miss getting together with people for coffee at McConn, or complaining about not having anything do with people who were as lazy as I was (Morty), I miss talking with Alison about any of the plethora of things that we would talk about, I miss shaking my head at something that Dan would say and wonder why I hadn’t thought of that (but suddenly remembering that I wouldn’t because I’m normal), I miss Jones complaining about things in the Box Office, I miss playing volleyball with Kinky, I miss making fun of things with Bryan. I miss singing in the Chorale; I miss “doing homework” with everyone else. I miss talking to Dave about life and the Bible, I miss Philosophy with Horst, and I miss Prof. and his crazy comments about anything. I miss being called Combs; I even miss being called Timmy…If you don’t know that’s too bad. I don’t want this to sound like I’m depressed or anything like that, trust me I’m not, I’ve just been missing things that I used to have at finger tips. I don’t feel that I squandered any of these, I feel sad that I had to leave them, but it was time to move on. I love the work that I’m doing right now and am extremely happy that God placed me were He did. The experiences that I’m gathering here are beyond compare. I’ve made friends since I’ve been here, there not quite the same yet. Mike and Frank are the youth guys here, about my age, and they’re a blast to hang out with. Kelly and ElisaBeth of course, and several others that I now call my friends. But still, yesterday I found myself longing for the things that were. No more than a simple statement of truth. I just felt slightly lonely and wondering if I can finagle a chance to get back on campus in the spring semester.
Oddly enough I picked up Blue Like Jazz again last night and turn to my next chapter, which turned out to be on romance, followed quickly by one entitled Alone. Of course this had me thinking right off the bat, and the deeper I got into the chapter the more engrossed in thought I became. Of course man was not meant to be alone, God says that almost from the beginning (Gen. 2:18). This doesn’t mean of course a wedding to the prescription for this, absolutely not, but more that we just should not be alone. I don’t know about anyone else, but when I had spent to much time in a practice room without talking to anyone all day my first urge was to go and talk to someone. I know Jones can’t go anymore than three minuets or so without exploding. It’s true that each of us is different in our own right and we each need different levels of social action to make us feel like we thing we should feel. Yankey like more, Alison likes less, Jones needs a constant audience, myself I need to have at least one really good deep conversation with someone other than myself a week or I start to get stir crazy. Donald Miller relates a story about a Park Ranger that he meet while out on the trail with some friends. The Ranger walked out of the darkness, obviously tired, starred into their campfire for a while before asking for their permits. It came to the attention of Miller that this man had been the only ranger in the park for the last two months, and unable to leave he simply had not seen anyone else in that amount of time. The Man was obviously lonely but when they tried to engage him he tired of the conversation quickly and walked off without saying anything at all. Miller suggests that the man had simply forgotten what it was like to be around people.
At the end of the chapter I found myself thinking about Hell of all things. We have these images of what we might thing that hell is, from the fiery description from the Book of Revelation to the icy description of Dante’s oddly named Inferno. I happen to believe that a truer description of Hell is one of complete separation from God. Miller says that if Love can be seen as a bit of Heaven on earth, a lose of self concern, then isolation is a bit of hell, and then to a certain degree we decide in which state we would like to live. When we isolate ourselves from other people the only person to become involved with is ourselves. We dive in deep and become so immersed that after a while feeling disappears and the only thing that matters is the self, because that is all that is left. The mind will turn itself inside out to find stimulation even if it has to create the stimulant itself, this maybe where we find our imaginary friends. But in this isolation we can find Hell. Not a communal pit of fiery desperation, but lonely, cold existence, from which we know there is know escape. It was interesting sequence of thoughts. Hell is one of those things that we don’t like to talk about. It frightens us, so we ignore it because we, as Christians, don’t have to deal with it, but what of the people who do. What of the friends we enjoy so much now, that we will lose forever in the eternal separation?
Just so I’m not ending on a somber note, I’ve had to write small Christmas narrative for Christmas Eve. I guess I didn’t have to write it, but I though it would be easier than trying to go out and find something that I would like. I actually finished it before I started writing this. I wanted it to be a funny version, something from the Shepherds perspective. I think it turned out well, though I have three different versions (very different versions). It was fun to write, and just be light hearted about the whole thing. So there, a happy note to end on.
A.T.H.