Dé Luain, Eanáir 09, 2006

Frustrated is an easy word

Frustrated would be the closest thing to explaining what I feel like right now. That point where anger and confusion collide, when there are no easy answers and dwelling on what is happening is simply not helping any more. Unfortunately, I'm all too accustomed to this feeling. I've spent most of the last 5 days wondering why I'm here. Not the grand philosophical question, you know ultimate question that has an answer of 42, but a smaller, minute version of the question that grates on all of us from time to time. Here being Connecticut, why am I here? I'm not sure how much I want to say on this matter, but I'm not sure that this internship is all it was cracked up to be. There are times when I feel that I'm doing a lot, and I really have enjoyed the...majority of my time here. Meeting a new part of the body is always exciting for me and always worth my time, yet I can't help but feel that I'm not the correct person for this internship. As a vocalist, it’s not been worth it. As a chorister is been fun, at times enlightening, and at the very least interesting. As a conductor, again sadly it’s not been worth it. As a worship leader, it's been interesting simply because I'm no longer immersed in the not quite, yet so close, post-modern worship at IWU. Here Hymns are still very much the order of the day on every Sunday, with a small homage given to "modern" praise songs right before the sermon. I'm sometimes left with a dry feeling in my mouth, wishing that we'd simply not do the "praise chorus." They don't quite feel thrown in at the last minute, I believe that they're appreciated, but they just don't seem to fit. There's to much of a contrast going from a classical prelude that was played either by the pipe organ, the occasional brass quintet (Broadway caliber), or possibly the bell choir, the organ/brass accompanied hymns, the full choral anthem and the two or three small praise chorus that we rush through on a Sunday morning. I'm all for blending a service. I love the brass, I like the organ, I love the hymns, but this time I could do with out the attempt at the modern choruses.
I'm half way through this internship and while I would go as far to say that I wish I hadn't taken it, I do wish I were more involved. I majored church music not interior design. That's not a knock on anyone who has; it’s just that I seem to be doing more of that than actual church music. There is still the kid’s choir, which starts up again on Wednesday, and the Middle School Choir that is slowly getting off the ground. Those have both been good experiences so far and hopefully will stay that way. They've of course not been without they're frustrating moments, but that's to be expected. I guess in a way it's all to be expected. There's only one constant when your working with people and that is change. So I’ll be happy with all the changes, surprises, accidental mishaps, blatant pass-overs, annoyances, frustrations, and even the fact that I’m moving…again, because whether or not I think I’m learning something, I still am, and that in the end will make it all worth it.
A.T.H.

1 comment:

elizabeth said...

I stand if frustration with you, cause for once I have no words.