Dé Luain, Feabhra 28, 2005

To the next step

I've been extremely irritable lately. Every little thing has begun to ware on me, rubbing me the wrong way. I believe that this is happening because of all of the unanswered questions that I have and the lack of time that I seem to have to even just look into them. I've been wondering about the next steps of my life and I'm finding that I may not be as ready to move on as I once believed. The trouble comes from not wanting to be at College anymore. As I was explaining earlier, I'm tired of volunteering. I'm doing to much and not being paid for any of it. One one side of the coin, I love to do what I'm doing, working in churches, leading the music, etc, but I'm to the point that I can't do it for free anymore. It's just one of many things that has begun to ware on me. I need the freedom to focus on a job and split my time between study and work. I've been accused on several occasions of being pulled in to many directions and I agree that I am, but just don't have a choice right now. I don't have time either. A commodity that is in high demand but extremely low supply. One of my friends wrote me an email a little while ago citing my up coming graduation and saying that I must be going through a plethora of emotions, though I think that the under ridding emotion that she was pointing towards was excitement. Now I am excited, anyone in my position would be and I would be an idiot not to be excited about the accomplishment of College graduation with a double major, but there is a lot more that is going along with that. I have options...Good ones, and I'm excited about them as well. I'm sad to leave, sad that I will miss my friends and may not see them in a long time. I find myself increasingly angry and irritated like I said before, which makes me angry and irritated because I don't like be angry and irritated (stupid I know). I find myself continually separating myself from people here, or they're separating from me I don't know. That goes along with friends who are dating and spending increasingly more time with each other, which is a good thing, but its becoming harder to simply spend time with these people. I'm finding that I don't want to. I'm uncomfortable around them, and being uncomfortable is becoming way to familiar and I would rather be alone than feel uncomfortable. I'm being overloaded with emotion and thought and feel that I'm about to just shut down. I don't know. There is so much to process and no time to do it. I'll probably end up braking down the day after graduation. So be it. Here's to the adventure called life. To the valley's and mountain tops. To the times when paths run together and to the times when they veer away never to meet again. Here's to the ones I'll never forget. To the one's who brighten my day, even though they maybe half a world away. Here's to the journey. Lead me where you will. My destination is set. My lamp is lit. My feet are ready. It's time for the next step.

No comments: