The edge of the World

I have the desire to write, though again I'm not sure what the subject should be. So please excuse me if it seems that I'm rambling for a while. The past several weeks have been a flurrie of activity. Finishing projects, packing, cleaning, preparing, classes, parties, it's been hard to get a few waking moments just to sit and think. But now I sit in my room, alone in my house, playing the music loudly so the sound fills the room, if not the house. The list of things to do before graduation is quickly waning away to nothing. Only a few more items remain, and I find myself inadvertently suspending them. Not wanting to go to bed, in hopes that the day won't end and tomorrow will be delayed in coming. Trying to hold to the last few precious moments that I have to spend here at college with my friends.

I sit here and think of all that I'm leaving behind, but what about the future. I stand at the edge of the world, and for once the darkness lifts. I don't see it clearly, but...there before my eyes is the trailhead. It winds off into the distance, into the rocks and forest. I can see a ways a head of me, but the trail vears off, and I loose it in the trees as the haze once more envelops it. It's not much, and I don 't think I'll ever see more of my future than that, but it's enough.

I wrote a few days ago about how some times in our lives we just have to jump. I don't know what all of you thought about that. You may be saying to yourself that, no you are able to thing about everything before you make a decision. You may be like that, and never make a rash decision about anything. Maybe you can make it through life and feel completly confident in everything you do because, you thought about it before it happened. I stand here and tell you, I've thought about this point in my life for 5 years. I am about to complet my current task, and soon will be given another one to undertake. It's not about the decisions that I've made to get me to this point, it's about the next decision that I have to make. Do I stay where it's safe? Or do I jump in to the maw that is before me. It's cold, hazy if not dark at times, it's lonly. When you hike, it's the first step that is the most adventurous, the most perilous. With the first step, you lose control of your life. The planing stops, the training stops, and you have only what you know and what you are able to carry with you.

The theory of my life is about to end. The practice is about to start. The great experiment, that will prove to be my defining trial. Sure there are times when you return to the books for more research, but never like this. So I stand at the edge of the world, holding to what I know, to my memories, and training. I stare across the vast expance that is my life and smile, chuckle to myself, and Jump...

A.T.H.

The right question to ask

(I started this before my last post)
After a brief hiatus I think I'm ready to write again. I could have writen last week, but the subjects seemed to be of a very personal nature, and as I once promised Bryan Young, I'm not going to write on those sorts of things. I do this both for my gain and your's. I don't want my overly personal details posted on the internet, and I'm sure that you don't want to read them.

So what do I write about? I thought about writing on the Phantom of the Opera and how his character is really one of the most lovable villains ever conceived. You really can't help but feel bad for him. But no not that.

I've actually been thinking a lot about a conversation I had with a very good friend of mine a little over a year ago. Through the course of the conversation, which I won't get into, we can to the point in decribing ourselves. I made some comment concerning "why not," and she stop and said, "That's the difference between us. You think in 'why not's' and I think in terms of 'why." I've thought about that a lot since that evening. At first I honestly took it as something that I was doing wrong, but I've come to realize the opposite. She was right, as she normally tends to be. I do think in terms of "why not." George Bernard Shaw wrote in his play "Back to Methuselah," "You see things; and you say 'why?' But I dream things and say, 'why not?" Now I'm not about to say that I'm more of a dreamer than my dear friend (I'm most certainly not), but I do dream differently. I argue here for my own sake, for my own piece of mind. There are times in our lives when the only reason for doing somthing is because I don't have a reason not to do it. You could argue then that this really is the reason why I do it, but thats not how I would term it. I do a decent amount of hiking and traveling, and I've done a lot of things. When you're standing on the banks of the Rio Frio in the semi-wilderness of the Dominican Republic you find the question rolling around in your mind. Not consciously, but it's still there. When you think back it's there, just before you leap its there. You don't have a reason to be there, there's no reason any one would ever want to leave the city, to leave society, to leave the thing's we know and go off into the wilderness. So you jump, not because you have a reason to, but because you don't. You don't have a reason to leap blindly into the freazing cold water, such an oddity in the tropical climate.

So what am I saying? Am I right or is my friend right? Personally, I think we're both right. Sometimes you need a dead on reason to do somthing, and other times...you just have to jump.

A.T.H.

Messy Christianity

One of my best friends here on campus is Josh Morton, you'll find a link to his cite off to the right here. I highly suggest that you read his most recent blog on "quitting Christianity." This is a topic that we talk about often here, what it means to be a Christian and where we as Christian's are going awry. Reading through it all I could do was nod my head in agreement. Both Josh and myself have grown up in in the church and both of us to differing degrees have been hurt or dissolutioned by the entity that we love. Someone who is, I'm assuming, Josh's friend made a comment, citing James 4:11-12. This text basically says that you should not slander you brothers (fellow Christians) and that you should not judge against the law because you are then are not keeping the law. My friend I don't think that you reading the blog as carefully as you could. We are simply stating the discrepancies we see in the church today. We are a hypocritical people and I'm sure josh would echo me here, we include ourselves in it. We don't want to, but we have to. There is no judgment being spoken here, just a simple statement of what is happening. And no it's not everyone, and we know that as well. But I'm with Josh on this one. If I can't walk into a bar, have a drink, and start a conversation with someone just so I can ask them if they'd like to come to church with me on Sunday or Saturday night, and I can't still call myself a Christian while I do it. Then fine, I'm not a Christian, and I'm ok with that. Christianity is not the religion, it's not the legality, it's the relationship, and how dare you say that I can be a Christian and be in a bar at the same time. If I am to be judged for being real in my life, God will judge me. I believe that there is a God, and I believe that He is the God, but sometimes I have to remind myself of that fact.

Besides all that, I want the chance to stand up and say, "I feel like crap today. I'm not happy, I don't want to be happy, and no amount of devotions will make me feel happy. In fact, reading the Bible today makes my head hurt." I don't understand why being a Christian makes people feel like they have to be super human. The have to be stoic in their happiness. Because if you aren't happy then you are defiantly not doing something right. "Here let me pray for you, that the evil spirit of unhappiness will leave you, and the bla bla bla." Last time I checked, the Bible said nothing about being happy all the time. It never says that I won't be angry, tempted, melancholic, or depressed. It never says that I'll be happy all the time, that life will be cherries and roses, and sweet candy gum-drops. Anyone who thinks so needs to spend some more time out of there house dealing with everyday people, and stop inserting their own ideas into the text. I love life, I love the chances and opportunities that I have and will have, but I know better than to think that everything will always be nice and happy. It's called joy my friends, and peace. Faith, hope and love. Happiness is a component of all of these, but not a requirement. Faith and hope indicate that things may not be going the way we would like them to go. We are told to be ready to face trial of may kind (James). Back to my original statement, we were created to have the full range of emotion. We didn't become angry, melancholic, or depressed at the fall. The ability was always there to have a bad day, we're just more likely to have them now. Emotion is not sin, though I believe suppressing them may be. We are told to not let the Sun go down on our anger, not to not get angry. We are emotional people, we were created that way, and that is why I think to suppress them is a sin against the one who created us.

So Morton, are we leaving Christianity behind? In away, yes, but then again maybe we are just striving to become the Christian's we are supposed to be. Maybe it is our lot in life to show those who have stopped believing in Christian that there is more to it than what they where shown. Gandhi once said that Christianity would be wonderful, if it weren't for all of the Christian's. I think he had a good point, maybe it's time to start listening to the fallen world around us and realize that maybe we're as broken as they are.

A.T.H.

Turning the Page

By the time I post this I will be safely back home in my apartment on campus, but as I sit here typing I’m amongst friends. Most of who are asleep or close to it. Conversations haven’t quite lulled but the ones that are let are of a nature that a third party would not be appropriate. So I sit here in a rocking van, rolling westbound down I-94, and pondering the events of an emotional roller coaster. So far I’ve pondered these things to the tune of Nickel Creek, set to write them down to the now famous “Dragostea Din Tea” (Numa numa) by O-zone, and now writing to a bit of lite jazz, courtesy of Miss Jane Monheit. This was a chorale weekend, and so sleep is well deserved, but for me it was more. It was my last chorale weekend. This was my last concert, my last chance to do it right, to do it with my all of my heart. This was my last chance to ware the tux, and sing with this group. It’s a mix of emotion, I’m happy to be rolling back to campus, but in the same way I wish we could turn around and head out on tour again.
My reason for righting this isn’t really for the benefit of my foreign readers, but for more for my friends who keep tabs on me this way. I own you all so much. I expressed to a friend at the conclusion of our concert that my tears were not necessarily for Prof, though some of them most defiantly were, but for a grand mix of people and traditions that I will be leaving behind me after the next three weeks. I plan to keep in touch, and I hope you do as well, but it will never be the same. It is a great thing to know that you are loved. As friend after friend sought me out after the concert, and I tried desperately to hold back the tears that welled up in my eyes, I knew that I was loved. Which makes the parting even harder. I love you all, though I often show it in the oddest ways, and will never forget you. For those who have gone before me, thank you for your time, hours spent talking into the wee hours of the morning. You’ve helped me ask the questions that I needed to ask and find the answers in the right place. To you I am eternally grateful, you filled my time with memories that will stay with me until I die. You pushed me, kept me on track, inspired me, enlightened me, and supported me. I love you all and pray that God is blessing you where you are right now.

To my friends I am about to leave…there are no words for what you mean to me. In the past two years you have been my smile when I have had none, my comfort when there was none, my sanity when my world was failing all around, my laughter when I could not, my strength when I could not stand on my own. I meant it when I said that you’ve become my family. There are so many things I want to say to you, and in the next three weeks I know I will find the time to say them. You’ve been my joy, and now you are my reason for sorrow. Morty, you’ve been my company this year that I could not have lived with out. Jones you’ve kept my sense of humor in a very sick, corrupted sort of way. Yankey, you’ve been the spark of innocence that I could only strive to obtain. Do not strive to be like me, it’s not a place I would want to see you, instead I should be striving to be like you. Aeron, you’ve been a smile in my life, and I own you more than the sarcasm that you all too often get from me. Bryan, you’ve been a sense of release for my stress, an outlet for my wit, and a comrade in the finer things of life. Erica, even though you graduated last year, I include here because our friendship has grown to be something I depend on. Even though you’re half a world away you’ve become my confidant and one of my greatest friends and allies. And you’re sister did me an honor by putting me on that list, not a disservice. Liz, though we haven’t seen each other in three years, our conversations this year have been bright spots in my day/even/night/late night. I treasure our conversations and while I don’t believe it will happen any time in the near future, I do hope to see you again soon. Finally Allison. What you’ve been to me there is no word for in the English language. The things we’ve talked about, the problems we’ve discussed, the council that you’ve given. In my distress you’ve given me you ears, in my tears you’ve given me you’re shoulder, in my blindness you’re eyes, for my lose you’re observation. You’ve been the friend I’ve longed for. The debt I have to the school doesn’t even measure next to the debt of gratitude I’ve amassed with you. I will be less nest year without you. I will be less next year with out all of you. But as Prof has said, the page is turning. This chapter of my life is almost over, and the rest of my life a waits me elsewhere in this world. And far or near I must run to meet it.

I will say all this an more to you before I graduate, but I wanted to write it here to make public the debt that I have with you. A debt irreparable and which I will carry with joy. Thank you will never suffice but non the less, thank you. This day could not have been any better. An amazing van load of people (Morty, Steph, Yank, Allison, Byan, Jones, Kent, Scott...love you guys) singing, laughing, and just having fun on a long drive home. Forever, thank you.
A.T.H.

Somethings missing

I have the distinct feeling that I'm missing something. The conversations I've had today have varied quite a bit. Most of them with one of my best friends. I'm working with her on her final sermon, helping develop ideas for what will take place, and the music that will be done. The group was only semi-productive to say the least though I believe that we did accomplish everything that we set out to do. I think. We've got music, we've got set up, we've got production, she's got the sermon and I think we're ready to go. Conversations with other friends on the future, mainly mine since I'm graduating and people want to know what's up with me. Then there was the completly theological conversation that I had with the original friend that is for mentioned here. A really good conversation on the voice of God and whether or not we can actually perceive it, whether or not it's our fault. Is God really silent? Personally it sounds like a really good paper to write and discuss later on. Chance of me doing that...zero. Not any time soon anyway. It may make a good sermon, though most of the theory would have to find hard fact and scripture referance first. Good conversations, Good day. Actually I think I'll pose that question to you. Is God really silent? What's your proof? Is it possible that when you believed God to be silent you simply weren't asking the right question, or listening to the right responce? Could it have been your fault that you didn't here God at that point in your life?

But still it feels like something is missing. I'm not sure what. So much has happened in the past three days, something could have slipped through the cracks. The Pope has died, and many of my Roman Catholic bretheren around the world are without an earthly leader. I'm not Catholic, but still it is a great loss. Many will now be searching for that leader. I only hope that the right man will be found to lead the Roman Catholic Church. Terry Shaivo has died, and still the on going legal battles are of captial importance in our country. Do we have the right to death? Do we have the right to Life? Should the government be involved in these matters? On a personal note I believe that Shaivo had a right to die. Though I am sickened by the manner in which it took place. We fight to save starving people all over the world, many of whom are on the last breath and just waiting to die, yet we will let Mrs. Shaive die in this manner. Do I think she wanted to die? That I can't answer, I know I would rather have died peacefully and with out pictures of my wasted form plastered all over national television. But still something is missing.

I just don't know. It feels like there's more, and I guess that there will always be more in a sense, but that doesn't resolve my problem. Maybe I'll find it in sleep tonight, or maybe like we talked earlier, silence is the only answer.
A.T.H.

That's just random

I'll normally write on things that bugg me or topics that I just feel that I need to comment on. It's a passion of mine and it found it's outlet here. But I do have other passions, as I've probably eluded to with previous entries. Randomness is somthing I seem to reval in. Take today for instance, two of the most random things i've seen in a while. First there was a couple walking on campus this afternoon. Nothing out of the normal right? That's what I thought untill I saw the two ducklings following them. This wasn't the curious, off in the distance kind of following either. The two were right under foot of the girl. Really cute, but rather random for a college campus. The second was even more random. Picture this: two guys, tandem bike, and a ukulele. First they road around outside, the second one playing and singing as the passed. The next time I saw them someone had opened the door to the student center and they decided to ride through. Like I said random. I would never have guessed that I would have seen that today. Anyway, I just thought I'd like to share that bit of randomness for today.
A.T.H.

What do I say?

As I sit here igoring the intellectual banter going back and forth, I've been wishing that I was outside. I can almost see it through the blue-grayish, semi-transperent, this first glorious day of spring. We sit here supposedly discussing the question of whether or not to use apologetics to further Christianity. I say supposedly because we have yet to broach that question, we've discussed what it is to both a greater and lesser degree, we've talked about it's history citing both C.S. Lewis (who I'll write later about) and Francise Shaeffer, and how Christianity must come back into the for ground now. But we've yet to say out rightly whether or not apologetics are necessary to our faith. To a point, by not speaking of why apologetics should not be used we are inadvertently supporting the idea with out outrightly stating it.

Personally I don't think that this is a bad thing. I support apologetics and believe that they have a prominent place in intellectual circles, and in working out the flaws of both Christainity and opposing religions through out the world. There is a point at which we must stand up and say, "You are wrong." While this is necessary it must be done with a great deal of understanding and tacte, with sensitivity to both the good in the religion being rebuffed and the to the culture in which it resides. I think this is where many well meaning christians fall short. We go out with our signs, believing we will "win the world for Christ," but instead of turning people to the idea of christianity we beat them with the idea that they are wrong, worthless scum, that we really shouldn't be taking our time to talk to. People in a world of hoplessness need no help believing that they are powerless, hopless, and worth nothing. We take Calvin's idea of total depravity to far, and try to convince people that they are worth nothing. We forget whose image we are in, we forget that when God created us he looked down and He smiled and said that it was good, a term only ever used to decribe God in the Bible.

So now what? Are apologetics good? Are they bad? Are we as the church simply afraid of reason as a basis for and arument for God? I don't see why we should be. God, the creator of human thought, the creator of reason, is both bound by it, understood with it and completly beyond it. God himself is not necessarily a reaonable being. I have trouble using reason solely to describe and understand God. There is always an aspect of faith, truth be that faith is the more important of the two. That is not to say that we should have a blind faith that is unfounded and unsupported. To the contrary, our faith should be supported by our reason. It's not one or the other it is a combination of both. As we are told by Paul in 1 Corinthians, the three greatest attributes of Christianity are faith, hope, and love. But again as Paul says, the greatest of these is love. We must LIVE our faith out in love for those around us.
A.T.H.

Car trouble

I'm praying that tomorrow my car will have a new timeing belt and that I'll be able to be on the road by 12. I hope. I mean it would be nice to get back to school on time and not at like four in the morning, but as long as I get back it'll be fine. So that's what's pressing in my life, apart from my up coming graduation, my pending joblessness which because of this weekend will hopfully be short, my trip to Wyoming and Yellowstone with some of the boys, my mission trip to New Zealand, and a host of other things that battle for the few seconds of free time that my mind has to give up. There's a lot of fun to be had in the next month and I'm am dead set on having as much of it that I can, legally or otherwise, with my friends as is inhumanly possible. But first I have to make it back to campus.

Home again, home again, jigidy jig

Have you ever felt like your living out of your suit case? In the past month I've put on at least two thousand miles to my resume. Florida and back again and all the driving that that entailed on the trip. And now I find myself at home again. PA in anycase. Not so much home anymore, but it will do for the moment. To be honest I kind of like it, I just wish I wasn't so busy when I'm at school, but that will soon end. In a month I'll be a college grad, which is both a sorce of excitment and fear, but I'm not talking about that right now. It's nice to be at home again, it feels right this time. I happy to be here, even though it was an adventure to get here. My car kind of died. It did that in town so it wasn't that big of a deal, and hopfully it won't be to big of a problem, I dont' think it will be. This is really all I have to say. Tomorrow I'll probably write about somthing with more substance to it. I just finished a book by Lewis and really need to put some thoughts down in writing. Well untill then.
A.T.H.

So now What?

Well...I'm back. After a week hiatus from the drudgery that all to often comes from my studies here at IWU, I'm back at the computer, slowly blinding myself by starring unwaveringly into the bright depths that is my screen. My problem tonight is what to write on. there is just so much to write on, geriatric tour 05' in Florida, being back on campus, my sunburn itches, turning into Mr. Fix-it for cars, St. Paddy's day, Morty's 21st birthday, Christians and alcohol, etc. The list litteral just keeps on going. I could write pages alone on what happened over tour. I'm currently writting a semi-brief over-view of my favorite points that I'll post at a later date. It's been an interesting couple of days being back. It's probably fairly obvious that I'm done with being at school, and being away from it for a week doing somthing I absolutly love to do didn't help my demeanor. It was amazing how good I felt, not because I was in Florida, to be honest I really don't like floriday that much (nice to visit, but I don't want to live there), but just because I was off campus. I felt like I was unattached to those things that seem to bring stress just becuase I'm around. I felt normal for the first time since summer. I had time to myself, I was able to sit on the beach and just relax, think, and pray. I needed some time to pray about what is going to happen in the next couple of months after I graduate. I really don't think that I should be going to Fuller, not yet anyway. Maybe I just need some time off but I don't think the time is right for me to go there. I still would love to go to graduate school, but I'm starting to wonder if now is the right time for me to do so. I got back in contact with a church in Connecticut about an internship that I thought would be a really good musical opportunity and I might get the chance to do it with a friend from school who gratuated last year. Then there is the new opportunity with a missions organization that works in Europe. I will need to do a lot more contact work with them before I could really get involved with them, but it could be an opportunity to do exactly what I want to do. It really would be great to get involved with them and it was after prayer for clarification that I found them rather randomly on the net. I may still aply for Grad school, but I right now I'm rather done with school. I want to work, I want to get out there and get my hands dirty. Maybe I'll do what I've been threatening to do and simply just disapear, find cabin or tent in the woods and not come back for a few months, travel to Europe and move around from hostel to hostel playing guitar and singing, working odd jobs here and there for a while. I'm looking for a more fulfilling life and I'm not finding it here. I don't know, I know that I need to graduate so that's my focus for right now. After that, I'm headed to New Zealand, and then PA for the summer. I'll work on it, and hopfully I'll make a decent decision before the summer is out. So that's what's been currently on my mind. There's a lot more, on this subject and on many others. I'll have to keep up with this so I get them all out.

Not too Shabby

So by the look of my past several blogs I sound pretty depressed. I’m really not. True I’ve been stressed lately and have the inevitability of my looming graduation, a source of both great joy and great frustration, staring me in the face and daring me even think I know what I’m going to do next. I really do live a great life. I have amazing friends, literally all over the world, from whom I receive the greater part my joy and blessings. I am constantly faced with amazing opportunities to travel, meet new people, be spontaneous (one of my more favorite activities), and just basically have fun. This Saturday morning I’ll be boarding a plane with 68 of my closest and greatest friends. Yes, sir it’s time for another Choral tour Florida 05’ baby, sun, warmth, fun, and a schedule nowhere near the ferocity of Tundra Tour 04’. We have a mere 15 concerts during the next week which leaves plenty of time for lounging beachside and getting nice and toasty before heading back for the last two months of school. I can almost feel it. I’m gearing up to go to New Zealand in May after I walk in April. I’ll be there for about two and a half weeks working primarily with Chinese nationals who are there for graduate studies. After that, I’m looking at a summer full of unexpected happenings and relaxing with the family on last time before I head out on my own. But until then I’m remain here, Aaron the college student. It’s not a bad life, just confusing at times. I am happily single, of course open to the possibility of changing that but I don’t expect it will happen any time soon and I like it that way. I have time for me, and doing what I want to do. I can spend what little money I have on myself and the things I like. As it looks right now I’m going to be moving around a lot in the next 5 to 10 years and I don’t have any desire to drag someone into the life I am prepared (yeah right) to live. I just don’t think it’s fair to ask someone to not have a home and move around constantly. Just doesn’t seem right to me. Anyway, things really are good. God is good, even when I’m not.
I’ve recently started reading C.S. Lewis’s “The Screwtape Letters,” in hopes that I’ll actually get the chance to finish it. It’s not likely but I still hold to my hope. I was reading a chapter, and if you don’t know “The Screwtape Letters” are a fictional set of letters supposedly written by Screwtape, a demon higher up, to Wormwood, apparently his nephew and a relatively new tempter just starting out. In the letter I read today Screwtape said something that really intrigued me. I’ll quote it so that I get it right and you can understand where I’m going:
“When I see the temporal suffering of humans who finally escape us, I feel as if I had been allowed to taste the first course of a rich banquet and then denied the rest. It is worse than not to have tasted it at all. The Enemy (God), true to His barbarous methods of warfare. Allows us to see the short misery of His favorites only to tantalize and torment us – to mock the incessant hunger which, during this present phase of the great conflict, His blockade is admittedly imposing. “
Now of course this raises questions of the Problem of Evil, does God really cause some of it? And in reading this I almost made the mistake of thinking that God may cause us to go through things just so that Satan will go through this torment. While I don’t think that is possible, and I will admit I don’t have a very good answer to the problem of evil, it is interesting to think that our temporary misery would cause so much in the way of torment to Satan. You would think that for a being that hates us almost as much as he hates God, and would seek to cause us harm, would find so much torment in our suffering on earth because he knows that for us it is temporary and to the ones that overcome will be given great rewards, but for him the suffering is just beginning. I think it interesting that something we dislike so much, could cause the enemy even for pain. “Take joy, my brothers, when you face trials of many kinds” James.
A.T.H.

To the next step

I've been extremely irritable lately. Every little thing has begun to ware on me, rubbing me the wrong way. I believe that this is happening because of all of the unanswered questions that I have and the lack of time that I seem to have to even just look into them. I've been wondering about the next steps of my life and I'm finding that I may not be as ready to move on as I once believed. The trouble comes from not wanting to be at College anymore. As I was explaining earlier, I'm tired of volunteering. I'm doing to much and not being paid for any of it. One one side of the coin, I love to do what I'm doing, working in churches, leading the music, etc, but I'm to the point that I can't do it for free anymore. It's just one of many things that has begun to ware on me. I need the freedom to focus on a job and split my time between study and work. I've been accused on several occasions of being pulled in to many directions and I agree that I am, but just don't have a choice right now. I don't have time either. A commodity that is in high demand but extremely low supply. One of my friends wrote me an email a little while ago citing my up coming graduation and saying that I must be going through a plethora of emotions, though I think that the under ridding emotion that she was pointing towards was excitement. Now I am excited, anyone in my position would be and I would be an idiot not to be excited about the accomplishment of College graduation with a double major, but there is a lot more that is going along with that. I have options...Good ones, and I'm excited about them as well. I'm sad to leave, sad that I will miss my friends and may not see them in a long time. I find myself increasingly angry and irritated like I said before, which makes me angry and irritated because I don't like be angry and irritated (stupid I know). I find myself continually separating myself from people here, or they're separating from me I don't know. That goes along with friends who are dating and spending increasingly more time with each other, which is a good thing, but its becoming harder to simply spend time with these people. I'm finding that I don't want to. I'm uncomfortable around them, and being uncomfortable is becoming way to familiar and I would rather be alone than feel uncomfortable. I'm being overloaded with emotion and thought and feel that I'm about to just shut down. I don't know. There is so much to process and no time to do it. I'll probably end up braking down the day after graduation. So be it. Here's to the adventure called life. To the valley's and mountain tops. To the times when paths run together and to the times when they veer away never to meet again. Here's to the ones I'll never forget. To the one's who brighten my day, even though they maybe half a world away. Here's to the journey. Lead me where you will. My destination is set. My lamp is lit. My feet are ready. It's time for the next step.
A.T.H.

Random Acts of Violence

So my friends and I...ok so morty and I have started a trend of random acts of violence toward each other and the other members of our little group. Now I say we've started it because currently we're the only two implementing the idea. Now for those of you asking, "why not random acts of kindness?" It's simple. It's and overdone, overused concept. We're not talking about slashing tires, breaking windows, or putting knives to peoples throats. No this is just an excersize in the stealthiness of our friends. We're talking about unexpected shots to the arm or side, swift kicks in the rear. And while I could forsee this escalating into a prank war, somthing that I'm not at all object to, I don't think there is anything wrong with it. We're not out to hurt people, just startle them...rattle them a little. We're just looking for a little good, clean, stress releaving fun that all of us are finding in short supply lately. I think Florida will do us all a lot of good. Yes, well still me on tour and maybe not doing exactly what we would like to do, but we will be off campus and in the company of friends. A little sun, a little fun, some good food, and few great experiences, and a little rest. It's definatly deserved by all of the friends in my group. And for those friends who are no longer physically with the group, we wish you were. I hope you are all finding that stress releaf that you need.
A.T.H.

75 or bust

I was thinking earlier about how I've often said that I don't plan on living past the age of 75. I really don't. On this thought I began to have a conversation with myself (no I'm not crazy) about how ludicris this statement might be, but I actually have several reasons as to why this might not be to far from the truth.

Reason One - This is me we're talking about here. I'm not always known for making "good" decisions, or having safe past-times. For example, diving 2400 miles in a weekend to make it to a friends wedding, the shear amount and distences that I drive by myself, especially considering the times I've driven long distances (6 hrs or more) on less than three hours of sleep, doing double doses of Nyquil then forcing myself to stay awake to watch a movie because it will be funnier that way, Alpine Skiing, never looking when walking across the street, standing in the line of traffic for fun, my constant neglect of personal safty, holding bottle rockets in my hand until they take off, or almost explode. I'm not smart, you'll never hear me say that I'm smart. I'm sure I friends out there who have many more stories to add to this area. I'm as likely to die saying, "hey guys watch this!" as I am lieing in my bed at a ripe old age, probably more likely.

Reason Two - I'm a musician and we're not known for our longevity. How many composers do you know that actually lived long, happy, productive lives. Not many. I mean seriously, we're plagued with bad marriages, emprisonment, poverty, public humiliation, drug abuse, alciohol abuse, venereal disease, insanity and other mental problems, depression, the list just keeps going. We're screwed up people. Walk into any music department of any college and you'll know, there's a reason we normally don't have friends outside of the department. Man if I'm not deft, blind, and half way insane by 75, I'll want to end it just to make sure it doesn't happen. Kind of like retiring in my prime instead of trying to stick it out with younger players.

Reason Three - I'm not exactly headed in to the church after I'm done here at the WU. I'm planning on going into the mission field. I'll probably where myself out, and die on some mountianside somewhere. That's really all I have to say here

So after this rather morbid thought process I got out of the shower and took a nap. Yes, I was so relaxed I was able to sleep. But lets face it, I'm not afraid of many things, and death really isn't in that list, though it probably should be. In anycase it was kind of fun to think about. I'm not actually going to euthanise myself at the age of 75, I'm not even sure I'll make it to that point, but if I do I'm sure I'll come up with a few reasons to keep going. When God is done with me, I'll go home.
A.T.H.

Gotta love Sunday Nights

I love nights like last night. Well...Almost. I was "doing homework" in the student center, which basically means I was doing anything but. Talking to friends as they pass by, or eating with them, getting up and walking around. Eventually two friends came and joined me at my table and started talking about the Batchlor party that we want to through for another of our friends. They want to take him camping. A whirl wind trip from Indiana to Yellowstone and back in time for the wedding. I was helping them out with some of the details, even though I won't be able to go. They're leaving the Thursday after graduation and won't be back until after I leave for New Zealand. After we got most of the preliminaries worked out we started talking about trips that we'd love to take. Next May we want to drive to Alaska, hit Glacier N.P., and then maybe Denali and end up in Anchorage. The trip of a life time. Just the four of us that sat there in that booth, taking Justin's car. He wants to retire his car before Grad. school and this would be going out in a blaze of glory. We also talked about driving to the southern most tip of Argentina or Chile and pushing his car off of a cliff. An amazing conversation that really can't be put into words. We were all laughing so loudly that we disrupted several study sessions. Ah-mazing. Simply stunning. I love nights like that. We really didn't get much done, but we all needed some time to just sit back a laugh and plan some fun for the future. We're all "over work and under paid" as I put it the other day. Time to relax has been at a premium lately, and laughter especially seems forced of late. We're all tense. We're all upset to our own degree. We all love the things we're doing, for the most part anyway, but sometimes you just need time away. I glad for all our sakes that Spring Tour this year will be a fairly easier one, compared to previous years. Florida will be a nice change for us all. WE NEED A BRAKE!!!
I said that I enjoyed last night for the most part. I said that simply because, as always happens on this campus, the conversation turned to relationship, which is to be expected when planning a Batchlor party. It also always seems to happen that the conversation will end up pointed in my direction. First because I'm single, but second because I really don't talk about it. I don't talk about people that I know that I "like in that way," mostly because there really is no one at this point in time that I would want to be, or am able to be with. I have lots of friends and am rather satisfied with those relationship. I happened to be talking to a friend online while I was in the middle of conversations about dropping cars of the cliffs of Argentina, and they found out who it was and the next logical step in conversation was, "Combs you should date her." I graciously turned down the thought, it's just not what I want right now. Unfortunately that wasn't good enough for my friends, but thankfully we started talking about the problems of driving to Argentina and the focus was once again off of me. I love my friends. I think they just get excited when I start talking about a women that I know who I talk to and have decent relationship with. God Bless em'.

Faith Like a Child

In a devotion earlier this evening, meaning yesterday when it was still today and not tomorrow already, a friend of mine reminded me of a song that I once listened to a great deal. I never really understood all of the song. Faith like a child was the title, Jars of Clay. Still a favorite but not listened to as often as some now. It talks about a girl who, like me grew up in church never questioned it, but later grows up only to notice that things have changed. Now I'm not the most philosphic person ever, but like everyone who goes off to college in persute of knowledge and a good time, I ask my questions sometimes trivial, sometimes a touch more deep. In the past five years I have gone from the newness of fresh faith, to skepticism and near cynicism for some of the practices of the church. In the course of my life I've questioned my life, I've quesitoned my faith, and I've questioned my religion. I don't have many answers. In fact I seem to only have more questions. The more knowledge I gain the lest I realize that I know, and the more I question what I do know. There are days that I wish that I didn't question everything. I wish that I had that faith like a child that the song and my friend talks talked about. I envy people like him who can simply take the Bible what as absolute truth. Instead I sometimes see it as a starting place for an argument. If knowledge is power, why do people with so much knowledge seem to be so powerless. Just food for thought. What is better, to choose faith over knowledge or to choose knowledge over faith? Or can we choose both?

on the edge

The Hellish Weekend

Ok, becuase internet explore freaked out and lost my last post. I'll give you a run down of what was said. I don't have time to write it over.
My Weekend sucked, spent alone. Annoyed with V-day, worst holliday ever, yes I'm single. Couldn't do what I wanted to becuase roommate spending weekend on the phone with girlfriend in Cali, I think i'm going to puke. Life sucks, I hate mine right now. I've looked, I've gone out, I've been a good friend, still no one wants to date/hang out with me. Singleness causing me to be a campus reject, especially becuase of Christian Ministries major. Wanna be pastors leaving without wife a laugable offence. Don't want to be a pastor, missionary life for me. Expecting to travel a great deal, no where to call home. Don't want to drag anyone into this, thats just not fair. My future both excites and scares me.
I think that was it. I'll probably write on this again, the weekends not over yet folks. anyway. Gotta go.
A.T.H.

The Duality of Man

First let me start off by saying...I know I switched spots. I didn't inadvertently but I did it so deal. Oops my bad, anyway.
Stevenson put to paper a story. One with roots in his native Edinburgh. Changing the names and adding elaboration to the pieces of this political folktale, Stevenson tells the story of a man searching to do good in his life. Being a medical doctor, he wants to end suffering, to defeat evil once and for all. He creates an elixir that he is convinced will separate once and for all the evil in man from the good, but in the end he must finally test it on himself. In doing so he releases a being from inside of him that is fully evil. For the rest of the story we are thrust into the struggle between two characters sharing one body yet, so different in the mindset, yet again so intrinsically tied together that separation would result in the death of both. Obviously the story is that of “The Strange Case of Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde.” I was thinking about this earlier today, after a discussion with a friend. We we’re talking about how quickly one can change their moods. This set me along this track but my thoughts quickly changed to a question. How much is this story like the Pauline disease of wanting to do what is right yet not being able to? What is it that ties us so tightly to the “old life?” Is it merely habit or is there, like Dr. Jekyll sought to discover, something buried deep in us that if we were to actually dig it out, would simply kill us? But now the pagan, cynic in me crawls out of its whole and asks the question, what is the real façade that we are trying to destroy? What happens if you come to the end of your search and realize that the façade was not the good…but instead the truth is the evil? What if the longing to be known as the Noble Savage is the biggest lie you could tell yourself? This synicism doesn't last long but it's effects are certianly pervasive. I think that like Lewis my greatest fear of late has become not a realization that God doesn't exist, I don't think that is possible, but worst that the Theist are right. That God who can feel ever present in the "good times" can feel so absent in the evil times. Again this stems from my current cynical thoughts, and isn't actually founded in my current situation. I simply find myself asking these questions, and compounded with answers that are often more mysterious than insightful I find myself lost in my own thoughts. I've been doing that a lot lately.
I feel so ever increasingly alone. Transitioning from one life to the next, from college to the "real world." I often wonder what lies ahead. I feel like the charater of Frost standing at the divergence of those two road in that innocent yellow wood. I'm just not sure that I want to take the path less traveled by. For Frost it seemed to make all the difference, to me...I'm afraid of the world I'm about to set into.
So many questions, so few answers. Its no wonder Christ talked of mustard seeds when it came to faith. It may move a mountian, but its just as likly to easy you through one more day of walking in His direction.